Old Friends

Old Friends

This is mostly a true story. How much? About half or just over. You'll make up your own minds anyway. A love story. The story of love found and love lost.

Many people have a soundtrack to their lives. This is mine, much redacted. Songs I have found meaningful for their lyrics or, sometimes just for their title. Any songs I mention or quote from will be well worth a listen. There are no heavily descriptive sex acts herein. There are mentions of sex. This story is mostly true because I have to skirt mentions, or be very circumspect when talking, of my early sex life. Generally, apart from that, all the sex is consensual, and between people aged 18yrs and above.

Mirrorball

(Elbow, "Mirrorball")

When I was sixteen years old I met the love of my life. The philosophers say, "For every man there is a woman". She was the south pole to my north pole. We were immediately attracted to each other.

Her name was Anne. We were introduced by her friend, a common acquaintance of both of us. I was playing football, in the local park, with a whole gang of my mates. It was an open game and strangers were welcome to join in. The common practice was that two players from each side would use their sweaters as substitutes for goalposts. It was a very informal game. We often ended up with twenty players on each team. It was just boys having fun in the park. At our very informal game there were two young ladies spectating. One of them was Anne.

The games, being informal, would go on for several hours. All the while Anne and her friend were watching us. One of my pals said to me, "You're in luck there. She can't take her eyes off you."

I said, "Who can't take their eyes off me?"

"The one with the long black hair," he answered.

I immediately started to pay attention to her. Every time I ran past her she smiled at me.

Every time I ran past her I thought, "She's really, really pretty."

It was getting late, the game had been going for about 5 hours. It was becoming dark. Time to quit.

The two girls were still there. As I've said, I knew one of them. Janice was an acquaintance from school. I knew her well enough to say hello to, not much more. So, I went over and said, "Hello Janice".

Janice said, "Hiya, Tommy. This my friend Anne."

Anne said, with a blush in her cheeks, "Hiya, Tommy."

"Hello, Anne", I said in my best impersonation of a Lothario. She laughed and gathered up Janice's arm as added defence against my charms. An act. I could see she was as interested in me as I was in her. Her eyes never left mine. With that a car horn beeped.

Anne said, "That's my dad. He's come to pick us up." Then she shocked me by grabbing me, a hand on either side of my head, and planting a big kiss on my lips. I was taken by surprise, and dumbfounded that this blushing girl would be so forward. Before I could ask for a phone number she was gone. Like a modern day Cinderella, except she left no slipper behind when she gave me the slip.

This happened during the first week of the school Summer holidays. I was without the means to track down my Guinevere. I didn't know Janice's address, her full name, or her phone number. She was the only route to tracking Anne. What's worse is I had left school and was starting work. I wouldn't be going back and would never see Janice again to find out. I was simultaneously, feeling as high as a kite every time I pictured Anne, or down in the dumps thinking I would never find her.

I was a young, lusty lad. Though my heart and soul longed for it's true helpmate, my hormones longed for something else. After a while, not getting anywhere in my quest to find Anne, I gave up. I was working as an apprentice engineer. I had money and friends. I had women on my mind for other than love. Just a little physical comfort was all I required to get by.

Two years passed by. I still had Anne on my mind. I was screwing ladies left and right. I was a handsome fucker. A ladies man. I couldn't say I was truly happy, but neither was I truly sad. What was true was, I realised, I was truly in love. My lover was nowhere to be found. I dreamt of Anne, some nights. I would wake up coated in perspiration, in a panic, heart beating 120 bpm. I knew I was in love. I thought it was bloody stupid of me to be in love. I'd spoken to her for less than a minute. I'd been kissed, the kiss hit me like lightning. But, for Christ's sake, in love, how? I didn't believe in love at first sight. Poor blind me. Beyond that, I would often daydream about Anne and possible futures. When I thought of her it made my shadow ten feet tall. I succumbed in the glow of her love. I felt like a giant. In my heart I knew these were foolish daydreams. Childish daydreams.

It was a birthday party. I hadn't been invited, didn't know the birthday girl. She was my friend's girlfriend. He brought me along so he'd have company. She was from a wealthy family and he didn't know her friends, who were also wealthy. He felt a little out of place. I was his wingman and support for the evening. The parents were away for the weekend. While the cats away the mice will play.

I had set my stall out to try and charm a pretty brunette, with a charming set of knockers. Top rocks to be proud of, and I was hoping to be swinging on them by evenings end. I was making fair headway as well. She was certainly interested in a bit of rough, from the wrong side of the railway junction. Suddenly a pair of hands covered my eyes from behind. I spun to see who it was. I nearly collapsed. It was Anne. She grabbed my hand and dragged me away. We ended up out in the garden.

There was a garden seat, wooden, a bench with a backrest. We sat, we talked. She asked me where I'd been hiding. I told her I hadn't been hiding. I asked where she'd been hiding. She said her parents had moved to a big house in the country. It was just outside of a little village and the bus service was poor. Her dad was buying her a car when she passed her test, but until then she was in virtual isolation. She'd been brought to the party by a friend who could drive. The second we finished talking she grabbed me, hugged me and kissed me. We spent the next few hours kissing and hugging, first outdoors then on a couch inside the house. I thought I was in heaven. At last my true love was by my side. Then she said, "I couldn't stop thinking about you. I've dreamt of this. I fell in love with you a year before we were introduced."

I asked, "But where did you see me to fall in love with me?" My heart was tumbling in my chest like acrobats on speed.

"At a youth club dance," she said.

I knew I was in heaven. "I fell in love with you the first minute we were introduced."

We kissed some more, and more still.

When next we joined reality most people had left the party. I asked, "How are you getting home?"

She answered, "I'm not going home. I'm an overnight guest," and went on, "what about you?"

I was overjoyed, "I'm here overnight too. My pal brought me in his car. He's the birthday girl's boyfriend."

She was smiling like a cat that ate the cream. "I was brought by her brother. They're my cousins. I guess we have all night to talk," her smile saying something more lascivious.

We decided to try and find a bedroom to share. We were shit out of luck. Five bedrooms, all occupied. We lay on the couch. Everyone else was in bed or had left. We kissed and she let her hands roam over my clothes and over my body. I, likewise, did the same. Things were getting heated. She removed my shirt and I removed her top. Our hands took control as we kissed. Her bra disappeared, my trousers followed. Next her skirt and knickers were magically removed. She must have done it. I was busy taking off my boxers. We were naked and our bodies entwined, with all that entailed. She rubbed against my thigh. I pressed hard to her stomach. She said, "I'm a virgin."

I said, "I'll be as gentle as possible."

She looked a little worried, but said, "I've been told what to expect."

I said, "There'll be a little pain but I love you."

She said, "I know you'll break me in as gently as you can."

There was a little pain and a small trickle of blood. I was very careful. I'd made sure she was very wet before I put my penis in. I also made sure I broke her resistance with a short hard push. Her hymen gave way easily. After a while she said, "We can make love now." I pushed all the way in. We took a slow beat and after a while her breathing got heavier. I started to build the beat into a steady rhythm, then a faster paradiddle. She was enjoying it more and the pain was less. I applied my thumb to her sugar plum. She really started to get off. I felt her stiffen under me, her legs straightened then pulled back up to my shoulders. She was moaning and she cried out. I took a few more strokes and stopped to let her first orgasm die down. Then I began again with the slow beat, the steady rhythm, the paradiddle, thumb and plum. She came again. This time it was more pronounced. She was writhing under my last few strokes. I felt her stomach muscles doing convulsions. Her legs hooked behind my arse, trying to pull me home. Her cry was surprisingly loud. "Cumming! Oh! Oh! Cumming!". When I came I had to pull out and make my deposit on her belly. Well, a small lie. She was too slim to have a belly, her stomach.

I wondered if she could go again. She said she was feeling a bit sore. I said, "That's okay. We don't have to do it again." Instead she played with me and I played with her. Then, at some point sleep overtook us.

Fortunately everyone was still asleep when I woke up. I awoke Anne and said, "Time to rise and get dressed, before anyone catches us naked."

She led me to the kitchen and we searched the cupboards. We found cereals and bowls. I boiled the kettle and made tea. As we ate breakfast I said, "I need your phone number. I don't want to lose you for another two years"

"I can't give you a contact number. I'm going away to university later today. My course starts tomorrow. I don't have any numbers for the college. But you can give me yours."

My face fell, "You're leaving for college."

"Yes, but I'll be back for the Christmas break. Give me your number and I'll ring you with a number you can contact me at, at the college", she said.

I gathered some hope and my tone brightened, "Yeah, okay."

"I'll just find a pen and a scrap of paper," she said, as she stood and ran from the kitchen. She returned, a few minutes later, brandishing a pen and holding a torn corner from a newspaper. I could still see a small segment of the print. I gave her my number, she wrote it down. Then she quoted it back to me to make sure it was right. I was still living at home with my family. I told her the phone was in my dad's name, and gave her extra details.

We parted later that morning. Her cousin was driving her home. He sat waiting in the car patiently for her, as we made our farewells. We kissed passionately, her arms around my neck, mine holding her tight around the waist. Finally the kiss ended. I said, "Call me."

She said, "I will. As soon as I get a contact number." Then she slipped into the passenger seat. The door closed. Her cousin drove away. She waved. I waved back, and she was gone. Rain began to fall. I went back inside to find my pal, to see when we were leaving.

I felt like a giant. I felt unconquerable. I was a shining warrior. Invincible. Anne was back in my life. I was wrung through with joy, my heart ringing like a bell. The moon up in the sky had turned into a glittering mirrorball.

I waited every day for a phone call that never came. Christmas came and went. Hope was crushed. I realised that I had lost her again. The only thing that remained was the longing in my heart.

Need Your Love So Bad

(Fleetwood Mac, "Need Your Love so Bad")

Over the months that followed I tried to find her. I rang her college, a reception number, but was answered by, "We don't give out information regarding our students."

I asked my pal, who was courting her cousin, if he could find out anything. A few days later he came back, "She's swopped to a college in America. Apparently it's good for her studies, or something," he said, the message second-hand and garbled. It wasn't his problem.

America. That seemed pretty final, I thought. I don't know how I held myself together. On the outside I was fine. Inside was dust. It wasn't the sort of thing you spoke to guys about. I felt I had nowhere to go, no one to talk to. I decided the best thing to do was try and compartmentalise my feelings about her. That was almost impossible. Almost. Eventually, after a few months, she, the memories and the feelings I had for her, were tucked away in some near corner of my mind, still there, but at least I could re-join the living.

The living were a distraction at least. I took my driving test and passed. I bought a cheap second hand car. Life was returning to normal, even though I felt the tugging of my heart. The longing for her presence was still there but it was no longer overbearing, unbearable. I still had the occasional panic attack laden dreams about her, but I had set daydreams of our future aside.

Just sometimes, I would catch a glimpse of long black hair hanging over a shoulder, through a crowd of rushing people, and my heart would lurch. I would push through the crowd, only to discover it wasn't Anne. These were the moments I knew that my love was as deep and strong as ever. That she was ever in my heart.

The Birds

(Elbow, "The Birds")

Almost four years had passed since our declarations of love. I was mostly a human again, mostly in control of my thoughts and feelings.

I, and three of my friends, were on our way to a small music festival for the weekend. It was an overnighter, Saturday/Sunday. From midday of the Saturday until ten o'clock Sunday evening. The line-up was mostly local bands. Arthur Brown's Kingdom Come were the Saturday headliners. I had a couple of their albums: "Galactic Zoo Dossier", and the brilliant "Journey". Sundays headliners were The Sensational Alex Harvey Band. I had their "Next" album, "Tomorrow Belongs To Me", and their first album "Framed". As you might guess I was looking forward to being there. Midsummer's Eve and Midsummers Day.

The venue for the festival was only 15 miles out of town, in the grounds of a large country house. We could have driven but we planned on being high and drunk that weekend. So we hitched and walked, setting off very early on the Saturday morning. The weather was beautiful. Britain, for a change was having a mini heatwave. We didn't need camping gear, one night, we'd survive. All we took was our sleeping bags and a pocketful of dough (and some acid and some weed).

We arrived an hour before the first band was due. It was a good 15 mile hike. What were we thinking? No one is going to pick up four hitchers. Just a mile away from the venue, we weren't even thumbing by then, a VW camper van pulled alongside us. The window rolled down and a pretty blonde girl said, "Do you guys want a lift to the gig?". We hopped in the van. There were four girls and four of us. With some luck we wouldn't have to pay tribute, this weekend, to Onan.

The stage was set up in a large field, 4 or 5 acres of cut grass. The field sloped upwards from the stage. Getting a good view of the bands wouldn't be a problem. Our merry expanded band of 8 people found a spot midway from front to back, and we set our sleeping bags down. The girls, young ladies of around our age, shared our seating arrangements. We were paired up. Our lady friends were called Izzy, Mel, Toni, and Chrissy. I was sharing seating arrangements with Toni. She was mousey haired, had a cute face and lovely smiling eyes. We talked amongst ourselves and somebody, one of my mates, skinned up a big one. This got passed around. Soon we were feeling the effects. It was some good giggle grass, very strong, some type of skunk. We were all laughing at nothing in no time at all.

The afternoon was great. The sun was hot. The bands were decent and, as the day wore into night, got better. I had four tabs of acid in my pocket, and I knew one of my pals had four. I spoke to him and we shared out the tabs between us. This was about an hour before Arthur Brown was due on. Arthur Brown and acid are a superb combination. You wouldn't want to drop acid listening to Alex Harvey's gut-wrenching, horrifying story of a soldier and a mobile army whorehouse, rendition of Jacques Brel's sperm drenched tango, "Next". I swear on the wet head of my first case of gonorrhoea. I never want to be next. Next!

Arthur, with his booming baritone, was on top form. The acid was really kicking in. By the time the band started playing, "Spirit of Joy", we were taking off. The colours were bright and profound, stage and performer's shimmering, music trilling through our heads, and ground underneath rolling in great waves like an ocean made of earth. Even the encore, the old hit single, "Fire", with Arthur wearing a literal flaming crown was great. Though I thought it was the worst song in his arsenal.

I noticed that Toni, as the acid was hitting, had moved tight to me. Her arm wound around my back. I put my arm around her shoulders. Her eyes raised to mine and we gently kissed, just the once, and it was sweet, then we looked back to the stage. Her head rested on my shoulder. I felt excited by the acid and the band, but somehow I also sensed a feeling of peace. The restlessness that any thoughts of Anne brought had dropped away.

The stage emptied. The audience away to their slumber. The four girls opted to go back to the camper van. We, four boys, just climbed in our sleeping bags, under a cloudless sky, staring up at the stars, tripping balls.

Sunday was another sun day. It was bright and burning in a cloudless sky. As the first band started playing our previous days companions arrived. I was seated and Toni walked up, put a hand to my cheek, said, "Hi, Tommy" in a low voice, and took her place on my sleeping bag. She snuggled into me straight away and we held hands.

Halfway through the afternoon Toni turned my head and gave me a kiss, deeper and more intimate than yesterdays kiss. The she stood, took my hand, I stood, she grabbed the sleeping bag, and led me away. The field next door wasn't yet mown, the grass stood chest high. She pulled me into the long grass and the we flattened enough to spread the sleeping bag.

She was wearing a simple, deep blue, vest top. She pulled it over her head and dropped it to the floor. Her breasts, she had no bra, wear perky, not large, not small, the nipples upturned and erect begging for attention. I tore off my t-shirt. She reached out for me. I stepped into her embrace and we kissed, my arms encircling her slim waist. She nuzzled my neck and I nibbled her ears. We worked our way down each others bodies, by turns, kissing and biting and nuzzling our way down to our jeans. I popped her jeans waist button, unzipped her fly and reached in. I stroked the fuzz of her pubes, my hand reaching to cover her mound, my middle finger just reaching her hood and clit. Gently, gently, I rubbed that button. I felt it swell and slip from it's shield. Toni started to undo my jeans and unzip them, her hand slipping in to hold my half erect cock. She gently squeezed it and massaged the bell. It saluted her.

We made love until the sun dropped behind an inconvenient copse of trees. The birds the only witness to our lovemaking. A cooler breeze now we were in shadow. Dressing, we drifted back to our friends only to discover they had gone missing. So had their sleeping bags. I turned to Toni and said, incredulously, "Dirty buggers!"

She laughed and said, "Yeah, you can't take them anywhere."

We watched a couple of bands and, as Alex Harvey came on stage, the other 3 couples returned. At which point Toni, and I, gave them a severe ribbing. What's life worth if you can't have a bit of fun. Then we settled down to watch Harvey turn every song into a Hollywood production, where he played all the parts. He was a fabulous performer. During "Framed" he was the Mickey Spillane hard cased patsy. "Isabel Goudie", he was the hunter. "Hammer Song", the betrayed working man. And in "Next", the virgin soldier queueing in line to share the pleasures of an army whore whose single utterance is "Next!" Come to that, he played the whore as well.

Song To The Siren

(This Mortal Coil, "Song To The Siren")

The girls, Toni and her friends, were all from our home town. They gave us a lift back after the gig. I, and my mates, continued our newly forged relationships with them. Over the last 3 years Chrissy, Izzy, and Mel had all married, to my friends. That left just me and Toni who were courting but still single. Everyone expected us to get married too. Everyone but me. I had resisted the good natured urgings of our friends (my buddies and their partners), when we all went out together every Friday night. I was constantly being told, "You'll never meet another girl as good as Toni."

I probably wouldn't. I did love Toni, but not the way she deserved to be loved. I could never free myself of that one inhibition; Anne. I wasn't confident that love could last. Strange, because mine had, but I'd been let down. I still had a rare nightmare, when I would wake in a panic and couldn't find Anne. I was getting to the stage where, I thought, my rare nightmares where just some leftover trauma, and may not be a sign that I still loved her.

Another Friday night when we were all out drinking. We were all close, my friends, their wives, Toni and I. Friday night was our community night. Time to relax for the weekend. It was becoming somewhat of a dread for me. I didn't want them to pester me about weddings. I didn't have an answer they would be happy with. It was just peer pressure. Toni never asked, never mentioned weddings. I had been honest with her from nearly the first date. I told her I was a star-crossed lover. I said that I liked her, and hoped she liked me. I gave her my history and told her about Anne. Toni was sympathetic. I said, "Don't fall in love and, if you do, don't fall all the way. Keep something for yourself or you'll never own your soul again."

I don't know if Toni remembered my warnings. We never spoke of love. My hope was that we never would. I knew my love would be capricious. The hope, from me, was that eventually my soul would come back to me.

In the fifth year of our relationship we, Toni and I decided to move in together. We rented a flat. The property was a bargain. A flat, so cheap for it's size, was a lucky find. It was rented out by a couple that were going to work over in Dubai. The proposal was: they were there, on a five year contract, to earn enough to buy a house outright when they returned. But, if they came up short, we would vacate the flat for them. I guess that was why the rent was so cheap. It was cheap enough that either I or Toni could manage on our own financially. I let Toni sign the contract on her own, in the eventuality that, if we ever split up, she would be secure and not have to find somewhere to live.

As the first year in the flat came to a close Anne came back into my life. She was still in sole ownership of my soul.

The car needed some petrol so I pulled into a filling station. It was a Friday afternoon, the sun was out but the forecast was for rain, yet the sky was cloudless. British weather, I thought, bloody unpredictable, as I started to pump the petrol. I filled the tank and went inside the garage to pay. There was a small store in the garage. I decided I'd look to see if there was a sandwich I'd like in the fridge. As I was perusing the choice of sandwiches, bent over to see the lower shelf, a swathe of black hair fell next to me. My heart lurched, as ever. By now I never expected that black hair would belong to Anne, it never did. I couldn't see the face. The woman it belonged to was bending over, the same as I, her hair covering her face. Then she turned her head to see the sandwiches in my direction. I almost collapsed, but held myself together and stood. Her smile was immediate, I thought I saw a tear in her eye. She stood and we immediately grabbed hold of each other. Our lips met. It was as if we had never been parted. It felt so natural. Forgetting the sandwiches, we rushed to tell each other how we both were still in love. Then the questioning. Anne said, "Come back to my hotel. We can talk there".

My car was following her car to her hotel. It was at the airport. We parked and entered the hotel via the underground parking lifts. At the reception desk she requested her key, "Room II9, please." Then added her name and verified it with her passport. As the receptionist went for the key I said, "Am I staying the night?"

"Yes", as if she would never allow me to leave.

I said, "I have to make a phone call. I'll just be a minute." There were a row of phone booths against an adjacent wall. I walked over, picked up the receiver, inserted my money, and waited for Toni to pick up.

"Hello," it was Toni.

"It's me," I said, "I won't be able to make it. I have to work tonight. We've had a major breakdown. I'll be here all night."

Toni said, disappointment in her voice, more for me than herself, "Really babe, that's a shame. I'll tell the guys hi from you."

"Thanks, Toni. Got to shoot. It's pretty bad and everyone is in a hash about it. See you."

"Okay babe, see you tomorrow, I guess," she said. Then I put the phone down. I had a tinge of regret. Here I was answering the siren's song that only my heart could hear. Could/should I have told Toni? I should have, but I couldn't. I was such a coward, and I knew it had to be face to face because that is what Toni deserved.

We went up to room 119, hand in hand. I never mentioned Toni to Anne. I said I was making alternative arrangements for a night out with my mates.

She closed the door and we rushed to kiss, our hands uncontrollably roaming over each other. Then we were naked and on the bed, our lovemaking ecstatic, burning like a fever, hot as the lakes of hell, as we contaminated each other with a divine virus. Outside the rain was falling in sheets, it drummed against the window. Then, passion momentarily spent, we lay breathless, her face up, I face down with a leg over one of hers and my palm resting on her shoulder, her arm under my neck.

Breath caught we began the questions. Where had I been all this time? I told her, "Nowhere, just waiting to hear from you or find you".

She said, "You waited for me?"

I was afraid to answer, but I did, "Yes, but - - - I was with someone," I rushed on, "but I didn't fall in love. I couldn't fall in love. You were always the heart of my desire, the jewel of my world. I never had a heart to steal. It was always in your safekeeping." I was scared of what her reaction would be.

She said, "It's okay. I understand. It would be stupid to think in all this time, with no sign that I was around, that you'd remain alone." Her gentle smile reassured me.

I returned the question, "What about you, did you wait for me?"

"No," her voice quivering, "I thought you were beyond reach. You were gone forever. Eventually I took up with a guy I met at college. But we split when I left college. He was heading to Texas. I was going to New York."

"I'm jealous. He got to be with you more in, a short time, than I have over years," I said.

"We'll make up for lost time. I'm yours forever, now," she replied.

I asked, "What about you? Why didn't you ring me from your college?"

"I lost your phone number. Then I had this brilliant opportunity to study at a top US college. It's where I met that guy I just told you about. I couldn't turn it down. It was a once in a lifetime chance."

"When did you come back after college?"

She answered, "I didn't. I was offered a job afterwards, with a very prestigious company. Too good to turn down."

"So, when did you get back?"

"Just last week. I've come home a few times, but could never trace you, then had to return to America," was her reply. She added, "I'm almost home for good. My parents died three weeks ago. A car crash. I came home for the funeral."

"Oh," I said, "I'm sorry to hear that. It must've been a shock."

"Initially. You kind of expect them to be around forever. Being honest, we weren't the most affectionate family. We weren't as close as most families are. I cried when I heard they died, but that was mostly shock. I'd stopped crying before my flight back had landed. I never shed a tear at the funeral. Then I had to wait for the will to be read. They left me the house."

"So you are moving back." It was said with some relief.

"Yeah, I have to go back and see out a months notice. Then I'm on the next flight back to England."

"Before we part this time I need some way to contact you." I wouldn't let her be lost again.

We fucked the day away. We fucked the night away. We fucked until it was useless anymore. Like rust, we never slept. Her flight was at 7am. She had to check in at 5:30.

Before she left she wrote details of how to contact her. I couldn't do the same. I would have to move out of the flat. There was no way to know where I was going to stay. She said, "This is my friend Sue's number. I'm staying with her when I get back. I'm having the house emptied while I'm away. They can take all my parents furniture, it's old fashioned. I don't want it. While the house is empty the builders are coming in to modernise and refurbish the interior. They need to point the exterior walls as well. Then, when that's all done, I'll refurnish it in a more modern style. I'll be staying with Sue while all that's going on. I'll be back on the 15th next month, and staying with her from then. Call me on the 15th."

Finally we kissed and said our goodbyes. I never wanted to let her go. I went back to bed in room 119. I could still smell her scent and sweat on the sheets and pillows. The rain was still drumming against the window. I couldn't fall back to sleep. Then I thought of Toni. I was ashamed and disgusted with myself. But the heart wants what the heart needs. I was powerless in the face of the desperate need I had for Anne. I thought I was getting over her, slowly but surely. More fool I.

Old Friends

(Kenny Neal, "Old Friends")

I had to go home. But it wasn't my home anymore. Toni was waiting. I didn't know what I was going to say. I was so afraid Toni would be hurt. I never wanted to hurt anyone, should've known better than to move in with someone. Should never have doubted Anne was still my prime mover.

"Toni," I said as I walked in the door, "Toni, I have to tell you something." My eyes downcast as I spoke, an uncertain edge in my tone.

"What's up, Tommy?" Her voiced tinged with concern.

"I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. I did something. I have to leave. I'm so sorry." The shame was hard upon me.

"Tommy, what are you saying?" She asked.

"Something happened yesterday. I bumped into Anne. It's where I was last night." My utter disgust with myself took over. I started to blubber like a child. "I didn't want to hurt you. I couldn't stop myself." My tears fell like rain, dropping audibly on to the polished wooden floor. "Oh, Toni I'm sorry, I'm sorry."

Toni was calm. A tear came to her eye. "Please don't cry," she said, "I'm not that hurt. I listened to your warnings. We were just good friends. Friends who had fun together. That's all." She crossed to me and put her arms around me. "Now stop crying. Things will be okay".

"I'm so ashamed. I-I knew it was wrong. But it's like a magic spell."

"I'm still your friend," she said, "explain it to me."

I tried to get a grip on myself. "I don't know if I can. She was my first love. It was love at first sight. It's consumed me since that first moment. I tried to forget her. I thought I was getting over her. That's why I moved in with you. But I'm not over her. I don't think I'll ever be over her."

Toni held me in her arms and comforted me. She said, "I wish someone would love me that way."

"No, you don't understand," I said, "it's not a blessing. It's a curse. I wish I loved her less. I wish I'd loved you more." My tears had almost dried.

Toni was my hero. She was staunch. She held me and comforted me. She let me pack my things. Her last words to me were, "We'll always be friends." I hugged her for the last time and then walked out of her life.

I moved back home to my parents house to wait for the 15th.

Walking On Air

King Crimson, "Walking On Air"

She was coming back. I was impatient, on tenterhooks. The days dragged. I managed to distract myself when I was busy working. After work I was living on my nerves. On the 15th I rang her friend's number. "Hello", a female voice said.

I replied, "Hi, is Anne there?"

"You must be Tommy. Hang on," the voice, presumably Sue, said.

A breathless voice picked up the phone, "Tommy, come and get me," then reeled off an address and directions.

My heart was in my mouth as I drove to the address. I pulled outside and she stepped out the door. I opened the passenger door and she climbed in. "Where are we going?" I asked.

"Anywhere, so long as we're together," she replied.

We found a quiet pub, that was serving food from a carvery, ate together and made plans for the future. I would move in with her, at her parents old house, as soon as the builders finished, as soon as it was refurnished. After the meal we drove to a quiet lay-by in the country, parked, and made love in the back of the car. Then again standing, her leaning over the hood. She insisted they got back to Sue's house by 11:30 pm. She said some people had to work, and Sue was one of those people. But, she told me, to come early in the morning and, we could spend the day in bed together. Catching up for lost time.

That was the rhythm for the week. We spent the days in bed, while Sue was at work. Then we went out for a meal in the evening. Afterwards we would find somewhere quiet, kiss and canoodle, and fuck for a couple of hours. But she had to be back by 11:30. Sue had some strict rules about sleeping and getting enough sleep.

After a week of this I arrived one morning, knocked on the door. There was no answer. I knocked louder. I knocked at the backdoor. No one came. What's happening, I thought. I went back to the car and waited. Later that day Sue came home from work. As she was entering the house I stopped her. "Hi, I'm Tommy. Where's Anne?"

"Oh, Tommy," she said, slightly flustered. "Anne is probably landing in New York, right now. She left a letter for you. I'll get it. Wait here." She went inside, returned a minute later, and handed me an envelope.

"Thanks," I told Sue. Then I went and sat in my car. There I proceeded to open the envelope Inside was a tear stained letter.

Dear Tommy,

Please understand. You are my one true love. I should have told you the truth sooner. I wasn't trying to fool you. I was trying to fool myself.

Everyday without you is torture. I know you feel the same. That you will wait forever for me. Please don't. I have returned to America, to my husband. I don't love him. I love you, but I love my two sons. I have two boys aged 7 and 4. I thought I would never see you again. I never stopped thinking of you. I think my relationship, with my husband, came about as a way to distract myself from constant thoughts of you.

In the last year of my studies I fell pregnant. Then later had my second son. Oh Tommy, what have I done? I wanted to stay with you. But I was afraid I would lose my boys. When I came back for the funeral, and found you again, I hoped and wished, wanted a different outcome. I thought I could love you and leave my boys behind. I'm sorry. I couldn't do it. Every night they would ring me and ask me when I was coming back. That's why I had to be back at Sue's by 11:30. To receive their calls. I was too ashamed and too afraid to tell you. Please don't wait for me. I am shedding tears as I write this, knowing love is lost.

Yours, with all my love, Anne.

I folded the letter and replaced it in the envelope. The end of a foolish dream. A paper rock, upon which all my hopes were dashed. I went home. I didn't die, though I felt like it. I coped. At first, after believing we would finally be together forever, I couldn't get her off my mind. I drank, not to forget her, that was impossible, to forget myself. That worked for many months. I was a functioning alcoholic. When I stopped drinking, I found I no longer thought about her 24 hours of the day, but just a few. I felt that it was manageable. But the nightmares became worse, the panicked, frenetic dreams, where I couldn't find her, returned with a fury. So I drank to stop the dreams.

Cuccurrucucu, Paloma

Joan Baez, "Cucurrucucu"

Dicen que por las noches

Nomás se le iba en puro llorar

Dicen que no dormía

Nomás se le iba en puro tomar

Juran que el mismo cielo

Se estremecía al oír su llanto

Cómo sufrió por ella

Que hasta en su muerte

La fue llamando

They say that at night

He only went away crying

They say he didn't sleep

He only went away drinking

They swear that the very sky

Shuddered to hear his weeping

How he suffered for her

That even in his death

He was calling for her