A Helping Hand

"See, if you have a multivariate function and you need help in finding the highs and lows... maxima and/or minima... come on guys, you know, this was on the worksheet I gave you." I couldn't concentrate well... too much going on. I know Professor Goldberg has already seen me using my phone too many times but it's just straight up disrespectful to him... I want to stop but... Andrew... why do you have to do this? "Richard? Mr. Deakin?" Shit.

"Lagrange Multipliers..." I said. I couldn't keep my phone down... I'm just worried. Why would I be worried, he's a douchebag. Why am I even. bothering to make time for him, I'm in the middle of class, Jesus Christ! Why do I care so much?

"Mr. Deakin... you do realize we have a strict policy against phones being used explicitly while I'm lecturing, right?" He said and sighed. His brown tired eyes looked at me. His eyes say: I'm not mad, just disappointed. "But, you are right. Lagrange multipliers, if we want to find the maxima and minima, we also have to account for the gradient." He continued to talk about the fundamentals of multivariable calculus. I love math. I knew about this since I did all of Andrew's paperwork for fuck's sake... and now he's not responding to my calls, my messages... anything. Just... I just wanted to know.

I'm not crazy, I'm not mad... maybe both, but I am in the right to act like this, okay? Andrew's my boyfriend. We dated for like 9 months now, we met in this class and we've been dating ever since. He's amazing, he told me shit I already knew but he's adorable when he's trying to impress me by sounding smart. I'm not smart, just driven by a desire. Engineers have good paying jobs, that's what I heard. I did well in high school, got me a 3.5 GPA and got a hefty scholarship. I don't plan on anything fancy or elaborate... I just want to graduate asap and help my parents... although it may take some time, I will repay them.

They've been super supportive to me... even after the hurricane, they still didn't stop to send me money and support for me. Our house, our land has been destroyed by the hurricane... now they're living 4 states away from me in my uncle's house and it didn't help that mom had glaucoma and needed surgery. So now, I'm juggling my studies, my part time job at Dairy Queen (occasionally at Trader Joe's and Miniso), some extra gigs I signed up as well as volunteering at local care centers, a pending loan, and also a cheating boyfriend.

Andrew has been distant to me lately. Ignoring calls, not eager to invite me to his dorm, so naturally I had to know why. Was it a family thing, an academic thing, so I snooped to his phone and found out he had downloaded Grindr. My mind metaphorically drawn dark scribbles into a blank canvas, guzzling down ink of hatred and rage... with seething eyes, I opened the messages... 4 men. He's been seeing 4 men this past month and he kept that from me. I confronted him with the whole fiasco, yet he denied it and called me paranoid and controlling. I've never seen him so mad and worked up towards me.

This past week I've been questioning myself. What did I ever do wrong? Was I being selfish, did I not give him enough? Was it the sex thing? I know the first time we did it, I was sloppy... but he was too harsh and midway our blowjob, he stopped after I gagged too much. I wanted to try it again, do it where we're finally in a place of our own, I want it to come naturally and... I guess that's not what he wanted. He hasn't called me for a week and I'm worried. What if he wants to end this with me, I can't do it. I just... I don't want to be alone anymore. Ever since I came here, he showed me around, made sure I knew my way around and also supported me. Witout him, how am I supposed to do this... now it's like he and I grew apart... I miss him... yet I never want to see him again.

"I notice you're a little... troubled, Richard." Professor Goldberg knocked on my desk as I was fighting tears as I sent the 108th message to Andrew. He noticed the chat box before I turned my phone off as I packed my stuff. The smell of graphite and sharpie ink lingered on my notes with random scribbles everywhere. Everyone was already out and I was just left here, dealing with everybody's shit... dealing with my shit. I had to work in an hour, I have to send 500 dollars for the follow up medication, I have to deal with Andrew and study afterwards... I drank the last of my provigil, and without a receipt I can't have any more, I NEED to sort everything out.

"Hey." He placed his rough, callused hand on my shoulder as I twitched a bit. The golden sunlight was reflected in his glasses. Sleek and oval, it suited him. He had a defined jawline... he was subtly attractive, he's like a daisy in a field of dandelions, noticeable but not gathering all the attention. "Richard, is this about Andrew... I noticed he rarely shows up now. You 2 were very close, what happened?" He sighs, helping me put away my stuff. "Let me." I didn't let him but he still did anyway. The professor was always chivalrous. Many girls adored him and I see that. He smelled nice like vanilla and custard cream, he knew how to dress and his lean, athletic body helped with it. He's a little old for their liking, he celebrated his 43rd birthday recently. If he shaved the thin patch of beard he had, he'd look 20 years younger. He had that gruff, tired look, but his personality and voice was warm and inviting.

I thanked him as he told me to go to his office. "Is this about my performance..." I asked. I know... I missed some quizzes, and had some absences from working overtime and crying... I should've known it would all come down to this.

"Unfortunately, yes. You're an amazing student, Richard. You're very much eligible for the dean's list... but one more mistake and it might cost your scholarship." He said, showing me my recent scores and overall performance. Lots of I's on calc III... I couldn't believe it. I was declining. "Look, Richard." He placed his hand on my shoulder once again and every time he does that I feel a tingle. "I'll say it again, you're an amazing student. And, I don't rarely offer private lessons, but I see how you desperately need it. Maybe even someone to talk to too... my wife's a therapist, I can butt in an appointment for you." He chuckled before turning off his laptop as we exited his office.

"I'd... you don't have to, Professor. I'm still short on money."

"Yes, but my lessons will be free. It'll just be the basics as well as some extra key points in the next lessons... but I assume you already read them, right?" He asked. "You were so eager to learn, kid. I just hope you still are." I still am... it's just, I don't even have the time or the mental capacity to be my best self.

"I'll... think about it. But, thank you for the offer." I said. We got outside as he tugged my shirt.

"I can offer you a ride to the mall. I keep seeing you at DQ, with your uniform. You look not so happy to be there and it cracks me up." He chuckled. The last rays of sunlight illuminated his hair. His hair was a deep blonde, yet the white strands of hair catched the golden light and illuminated them like stray Christmas lights on a May afternoon. He's handsome, yes, I am not going to lie.

"I'll... pass, I'm sorry."

"It's nothing, really. You're going to save money by hitching a ride, I'm also on my way there too, you know. Gotta make sure our froyo business is still thriving." He said. I forgot he owned the froyo shop at the mall. He knows I work there, he's mostly there to order blizzard even though he has his own froyo shop. But... you know what, I guess I have no choice but to agree. I got in his sleek black Lexus as we drove to the mall. "Ignore the crumbs, my wife was speed eating on her way to a conference." He said. I don't know why but every mention of his wife, his face scrunches.

The ride was silent... too silent... it was only a matter of time until he found a way, an icebreaker. "I noticed that you couldn't stop staring at your phone... it's been like that for a few days." He cleared his throat. "Not that I want to get involved or something, but you're my student, and it's also my obligation to find out what's troubling and concerning you... especially since it's hindering your studies." His tone was nice and comforting, like a kiln in the middle of a snowstorm. It's like if JB Blanc was a little more soft spoken and had a deeper voice. Despite his warm welcoming and his friendly approach to me... I just didn't want to bother him, so I stayed silent. He looked a little disappointed which just made me even more sad because why the fuck am I doing this, of course I wanna talk about everything, what is wrong with me, I have to stop bottling shit up.

He dropped me off at the mall as he continued with me inside. I waved goodbye as I vanished into the DQ back door, off to wear a silly uniform and forced to wear a smile. It was overwhelming, but still too much for me being the cashier. Always looking presentable and shit, it's not even my fault I got this position, Sandra took one look and said "yep, he looks like Harry Potter, we need a Harry Potter cashier." I don't even look like him, I have brown eyes and a small patch of vitiligo near my left eye. It was tiring... it was tiring to socialize, but it's almost 10 pm, yay. I can finally go home and cry more.

The last customers rolled by as Professor Goldberg came by. I thought he went home already, did he stay in his shop? "I was wondering if you have some blizzard there." He chuckled, his button down white plaid shirt was soaking in sweat. "A little refreshment after some lifting, make that 2."

"Sure, prof..."

"Duncan, too professional when you always call me professor." He chuckled. He didn't sit down, he just... stood there and waited. "So, I guess I'm your last customer for the night." He chuckled. I smiled a bit too. I don't know why but I feel like talking to him eases me a bit.

"Yes, good thing you still got... 13 minutes before we close."

"Well, that's a good thing then." He looks around. "Did everyone go home now?"

"Yeah, it's just me and Hailey... she's in a rush right now so-" Before I could butt in, the bell rang. "Like I said, on a rush." I gave him 2 DQ blizzards as he reached the other one to me.

"Come on, take it."

"No... Prof... Duncan, seriously. They'll think I'm hooking myself up with those... and Hailey's going to kill me." I whispered.

"Well then, take off your clothes then and I'll wait for you." He said, in a deep mannered voice...

"You mean, uniform, right?"

"No, I want you to strip down in a mall, of course." We both laughed as Hailey clocked out. "Guess it's closing time." I said, turning off the machines, the lights, and the revenue... nah, Sandra can do that, I don't get paid to do shit. I changed back to my clothes and... he's still there, waiting for me to accept my blizzard. "It's melting from the 90 degree weather." He chuckled before patting me on the back. I reluctantly took it as we walked outside. This wasn't the first time he offered me food and/or snacks, but this is my first time accepting them.

"You sure you're alright with commuting?"

"It isn't my first time... so, yeah." I said.

"Hey, Ricky... take care of yourself, mkay? Don't get all worked up, there's still an infinite amount of days and an infinite amount of tries for you to do what you need and want to do. Life doesn't end just because there's a roadblock on the way, that's why you've got to find a way to get over it, by yourself or by the help of others." He sighs. "I don't know what's going on between you 2 with Andrew, or is it a family thing, just know that I'm here to listen. Whatever roadblock there is in your life right now, just so you know you have me... and friends..." He pat my back as I smiled and nodded. I think he knows I don't have friends, but I'm glad he's giving me life advice... vague life advice but still.

"I will try... I think." I said as he smiled

"I'll take it. Well... I'll see you tomorrow then." He got in his car and he rolled his windows. "Don't be late!" He jokingly warned me as I couldn't help but giggle. It was nice. Even for a while, he made me forget about the piercing needles of responsibilities that were in my back... metaphorically. I got on the bus, and into my dorm... and you know what, I have no time to deal with any Andrew bullshit, I'm going to work hard and study hard for my parents and that's it. No more fake fucks and two faced promises. I got to my dorm, made sure to not make any noise as I chugged my uniform and my clothes into the laundry basket as I took a deep breath, relaxing every joints in my body as I took in what Duncan said. "I've still got an infinite amount of days and an infinite amount of tries."