The Botched Marriage Ch. 04

CHAPTER 4. DOOM.

He came home late. Looked exhausted. The edges of his face were softer. Not peace--but resignation.

I didn't even bring it up. He did.

"Let's talk," he said, and led the way to the Den, sitting across from me, far enough away I couldn't even reach to hold his hand.

"Where is your phone, Carrie?"

I looked around. I didn't have it with me.

"Probably the kitchen counter? That's where I was when you arrived."

He got back up and quickly retrieved it, placing it on the table between us.

We both stared at it. I quickly realized what this was but did my best not to smile. This was good news. It was a test I had already passed. The serpent smiled, but I kept my poker face.

"Can you open it for me?"

"Did you hurt your fingers, Danny? We share the same password. We have since high school, when you got me my first phone, remember?"

He looked confused. "You've not changed it?"

"We've always shared a password, Danny. It's a huge convenience, though probably not the smartest security."

Troubled, he picked it up, slowly, like it might explode. I had always assumed he knew it was open to him. Funny.

"I'm going to look through it. Is that OK?"

"Baby, you know I look through yours all the time, right?"

Truly the sweetest man alive. He looked surprised. "Really? For what?"

"To make sure no bitches are getting too frisky with my husband, obviously."

He was already looking through my phone now, clicking around, swiping, scrolling. "I didn't know you did that. I guess that makes me feel less guilty about doing this now."

"You could have always done that, Danny. My email is the same password plus your name. The D is capped. I know you follow me on Facebook and Instagram because I set up your accounts and followed myself on your behalf. I assume you never go in there though, because you have never liked my posts. Feel free to check them out too."

He glanced up at me and nodded. I wasn't sure if any of this was landing, but I knew it had to be helping at least a little bit.

He scrolled and clicked for a long time. I was getting bored, so I grabbed his phone and started doing the same. He ignored me. Soon, I had more questions than he did.

"Who's Stephanie?"

"We've considered hiring an HR manager. Thought about stealing her from Lugar's, you know the metal shop. Just keeping in touch with her for now. If the MFMA contract goes through, we might have to pull the trigger."

"She asked you on a date, Danny!"

"No, she asked me on a business dinner, and I said no."

"Why did you say no? You knew it was not right -- why else would you say no?"

"I didn't think it was a good look. She was just being foolish, trying to sound sophisticated or whatever. She came in for lunch with Drew and I instead. She's young. We decided that she just didn't quite get the optics, but otherwise meant well."

"So you might still hire her?"

"If we made it a policy to not hire young women, we would never get an HR manager we can afford. Same for a client manager. Same for an office manager. We are not big enough yet to hire highly experienced people at these positions. Maybe down the road. So, our strategy has to be to hire and train young people before they get too expensive. And for those types of jobs, 90% of the applicants you get are going to be women. It's just the way it is."

I seriously did not like any of that. Why hadn't he had this talk with me before? But also, why would he? Obviously, nothing had happened. The text evidence was right there. Her suggestion, his quick correction. I could see that an hour later he had included Drew in the text chain, and it had been Drew's job to bring her in for a lunch to discuss future plans. Totally above board.

Yet, I felt a twinge of jealousy settle at the bottom of my stomach. Just more evidence of what an evil bitch I am. But I couldn't help it.

For the first time, I was actually having second thoughts. Not out of honor, or loyalty, or love. Not even out of pure survival instinct. Instead, the thing that drove me to question the path I was on was jealousy. Because there was one truth I couldn't bring myself to ignore. If I went through with this, I would forfeit my right to even ask these questions again.

All the fucking Stephanies in the world would have their chance.

A new voice was whispering in my mind. Not the winged serpent. A different one. Quieter. "That's right you whore. Stephanie is probably 23 and her tits still float in the air in front of her. You think you'll be able to compete with that forever? When you are 40? When you are 50? The only beauty that matters is what Danny's imagines in your soul, whore. And you are taking a box opener to your face right now as far as Danny is concerned. Good luck with that."

Then the snake fought back. "She's too young to think that way. This is the time to enjoy. Don't let fear scare her away from what she deserves. He will never stop loving her. He's hers, always and forever."

I shifted uncomfortably on the couch. That battle going on my head? It was ugly on both sides. I tried to shut it all off. I had set my path. I just had to see it through now.

We both kept clicking and scrolling. Soon enough, I had another question.

"And who is Maggie? I see she_"

"Carrie, stop." I did and looked up at him.

"I'm not the one planning to fuck other people. You are. I don't care if you look through my phone. I can answer your questions at another time. Or for all I care, text Maggie now, tell her you are my wife, and ask her to explain who she is. But right now, I want to get through this so we can have our talk."

"I'm not asking to fuck other people, Danny. I'm asking for us to do this together. There's a huge difference."

He chuckled. "Just let me finish this, Carrie."

And that was that. He sat there for 15 more minutes while I fumed quietly. I felt that I needed this. That I was somehow entitled to it. Not just that but entitled in some bizarre alternative universe in which I could ask for this and still be jealous of some random business contact called Maggie. A bizzarro world in which I was not insane to be offended that he would casually refer to my proposal as me getting fucked rather than describe it as an encounter or experience. I was the mother of his children, after all. The love of his life.

I had lost my mind.

Suddenly, the clicking stopped. He put the phone back down on the table.

Looking straight at the floor, he asked me if I was still ready to talk. I was.

"Carrie, is this something you think you could actually do? You would be willing to let another man use you like that, in front of me?"

"Danny, if you were there I could. I can do anything if you are there, if it's for us."

"For us? What difference would it even make if I was there? Just to be humiliated? Is that part of the fantasy for you? To humiliate me?"

That was it, right there. The whole fucking world should have been flashing red for me right there. I should have dropped to the ground, kissed his feet, and started begging. I should have tried to play it off as a joke. I should have asked him to drag me to church for an exorcism. But I was blind. Somehow, him asking if I wanted to see him humiliated was not enough.

"What would be the humiliation? You are my husband, my life, my everything. You would choose to do this. It would be done under your permission, under your control. All the rest of it is just games. You would be no more humiliated than you are in mortal danger on a roller coaster. It's just a game, an adventure to learn something about yourself."

Dan buried his face in his hands for a long minute.

Then he looked up at me. Really looked at me. My heart was beating so hard I felt like I might pass out. I wanted him to say yes so badly, and I let my face show it.

Then I put my hands together in supplication and said, "Pretty please, Danny."

I can't remember seeing a look like that on his face since back when he had broken his leg. He was in agony. I saw it but I didn't want to see it.

"Please Danny, please, pretty please."

He took a deep breath. Then another.

"Carrie if this is what you really want, then I guess you leave me no choice but to allow you to do what you are going to do."

My eyes widened. I opened my mouth to speak, but he held up a hand.

"Let me finish. I feel like it has become a sick obsession for you somehow. I have never seen you lose your mind quite like this before, and I can't even look at you right now. It's like you've been possessed."

He managed to look at me in the eyes. My lip was trembling. This is not what I wanted to hear.

"I want to be very clear, though. If we do this, it changes everything. Whatever's left between us after... it's not going to be the same. However, because I don't think you are capable of listening to reason on this issue any more, I fear I just have to trust in God that we will figure out how to manage the fallout in a way that minimizes the harm to our children. That's all I can hope for at this point."

I shook my head slowly, trying to wipe the tears now streaming down my face. "No Danny. What are you saying? What do you mean whatever's left between us after? I only want to do this if we are going to do it together. I don't want to go into this thinking there is any chance that it might hurt us in any way. I'm pushing for this because I know it's going to make us stronger, better."

"I don't think we will be stronger. That's what I'm telling you. But even as your husband, I'm still not your owner. I can't stop you from doing this and I would rather you did it openly than secretly. I'm saying yes for that one reason alone. So that if you do it, you do it with my knowledge. I will be there as a witness, not as a participant in some cruel, twisted fantasy. This is not permission; this is just acceptance of a ship that has obviously already sailed."

"Danny, I can't accept that."

"Perfect. Then don't. It's what I can offer you. I refuse to lie to you about this."

I guess the fire breathing serpent intervened again, because a surge of confidence washed through me, and my tears stopped.

"Danny, don't you trust me to know what is best for us? Best for our relationship? You know our relationship is the most valuable thing in my life. It's literally my whole life. Why would I risk it? Why would it do anything that might harm it?"

"I trusted you completely a few days ago. Trusted you so much I would have bet my right arm that you would never cheat on me. Today, I confiscated your phone so I could spend half an hour going through every corner of it, looking for evidence of your cheating."

"And what did you find, Danny?"

"Nothing."

"So, what does that tell you?"

"That I was right. Up to four days ago, I could have trusted you with my life. With our family's lives, with our future."

"That's why you were so confident," he continued. "Because for the past 10 years you have lived in the open, without fear. Yes, you flirted. All the time, but it was transparent. You had nothing to hide."

"Baby, and what am I hiding from you now? Nothing! I'm right here, with you, telling you what I want, in total honesty. You know I discovered this kink four days ago? You know how long I hid it from you, that I was fascinated by it? Zero minutes! I literally shared it with you that night. Encouraged you to watch it and explore it while I kneeled by your side and sucked on your cock. Do you think all husbands get that kind of honesty from their wives? That level of disclosure?"

He shook his head no. I had him there. It was true, even. I had mostly been honest. Or as honest about one could be about such a kink.

"And I'm being honest now. I explored the kink more. I became more fascinated by it. After a couple of days of exploration, I had the idea that we could play it out. That we could do this. That we could have an adventure with it. And so, immediately, I asked. I didn't think it over for two years. I didn't let it fester. I just asked the next time I could get a hold of you. Fearlessly. Honestly. The way a wife should be able to talk about anything with her husband, her best friend, the love of her life."

"You are twisting it. You were honest but you should not have gotten this idea in your head. If I wanted to have an affair and told you, I would not expect praise for being honest. I would expect, correctly, anger for wanting the affair in the first place!"

"I don't buy that Danny. I think being honest is best. I would want your honesty. At least then I could deal with it."

"We disagree. Personal responsibility does not disappear just because we are honest. Confessing to a crime does not make you innocent. Acknowledging you eat pizza every night will not make you skinny. Proudly telling the whole world you intend to sleep with every slut in town does not make you a loyal husband. Yes, honesty is good, but it's not enough. You also have to try to do better."

"And that's what I'm doing. I'm trying to make this work by being honest, by including you in this adventure, by reassuring you that it will be a one-time thing and that once its over, it will make our lives better."

"Carrie, you can say that til you are blue in the face. I will never believe any of it."

We must have stared at each other for 3 straight minutes then. Everything that could be said had been said. The answer was clear.

But the serpent roaring inside me would not let me quit.

I smiled. "So, in a way, what you are doing, is throwing the question back to me. You are saying you believe it will be catastrophic but that you can't actually stop me. Therefore it's up to me to decide if I'm willing to move forward with this. And that if I choose yes, that you will be a part of it, but will do so without actually approving or giving permission."

"Sure -- that's about it. And that if you do go through with it, things will never be the same between us."

"I know that, Danny. I think things will be better."

"They won't be. They will be much worse."

I smiled again, even bigger this time. "Danny, I believe it's going to make us better, stronger, closer, more in love than ever. And I believe you are going to love it. Not leading up to it, that will be nerve wrecking! It will be for both of us. And at the start, you will be shocked, disgusted. I might be too!! But as it progresses, the biology will kick in. The jealousy will turn to arousal, and when yours does, my own reticence will melt. We will both be into it, sharing one heart as a we explore my body like we never have before. You will have this need to get me back, and that need will translate into lust! And when it's over, you will only have one thought in your head: to claim me back. You will be more aroused and out of control than ever before in your life. Danny, you have to trust me on this. It's going to be amazing."

"Carrie, you are lying to me and to yourself. But as I said, I will physically go along with you if you decide to move forward, but not sexually and certainly not emotionally. I will not even pretend to be involved. However, I won't interfere."

I decided then my only option was to somehow re-interpret that obvious no as a yes, and sell it. I must have known this was as close as I would ever get to a yes, and that it would only get worse if I kept fighting.

I took a deep breath and stopped smiling. Now was the time to look serious, thoughtful and, most of all, thankful.

"I love you, Danny. You are my whole life. I know in my heart that I will never betray you, never hurt you, never jeopardize what we have. So even though you are doing so a lot more reluctantly than I would like, I will take it, because I know it will be good for us. Thank you for supporting this, however narrowly. You are not going to regret this."

He looked confused, angry, hurt.

But I never gave him a chance to say more. I jumped into his arms and kissed him, in what I thought was a passionate manner.

He did not kiss me back at all, backing up and pushing me away in the same motion, like I disgusted him.

I did not stop. I needed his wrists nailed to the cross, after all. I needed it signed in blood.

"Danny, I know you are upset. I know that somehow, me just asking for this has changed things for the worse. I'm not blind. I can see it in your body language, your words, the way you look at me. I'm not going to even pretend to not be hurt by the way you just pushed me away. Frankly, by the way you have pushed me away all week. You will change your mind once we are past this, I know it. Once we get through this, you are going to understand why we needed this."

He shook his head slowly, looking at me like my head was spinning on my shoulders.

"But you've clearly chosen to turn me into some kind of monster," the winged serpent screeched. "You've twisted this whole request into a sort of betrayal. So what I can do to make it better is move quickly. That's what I'm going to do, for us. Move fast, get this fantasy under our belt, and give us a chance to talk about this once it's over. You have my promise I will not hold this moment against you. I just ask you that when we are there, when it becomes obvious that this was never a threat to us, but rather an opportunity, you open your mind to it."

He looked at me with what looked like open disdain.

"And the promise I will make to you Carrie, is that I will pray for you. From this night until this nightmare ends, I will get on my knees and pray to the Lord to please open your eyes, to free you of whatever demon has taken over your mind."

Then he turned around and walked away.

My shameful behavior did not end there. I was too grotesquely excited to go to bed then.

Had he retained any illusions whatsoever about this being something we were doing together, he would have seen the truth right then and there. Because I said good night as he exited the den, and climbed back on the recliner, already scrambling for the remote. I masturbated a few more times until it was so late, I had to go to bed if there was any hope of getting up in the morning.

Only then, many vile orgasms later, did I shut down everything and turned off the lights.

THE MAN WHO SAID YES (DANNY'S VOICE).

I climbed the stairs slowly, each step heavy with something I hadn't named yet: grief, rage, humiliation. It felt like dragging chains. People say the truth sets you free. But tonight, I'd learned a whole lot of truth, and I didn't feel free. I felt caged. Trapped. Enslaved.

I was just past the top of the stairs when I heard the den speakers hum back to life. Faint moaning. I didn't need to guess. She was still watching more, even after I walked away.

I wanted to scream. I wanted to walk back downstairs and tear that TV right off the wall, smash it to pieces. I probably should have.

In the bathroom, I flicked on the light and looked in the mirror. My face looked like a ghost had worn it. Eyes flat, like dead paint. Skin blotched and pale. I barely recognize myself. Just four days of this had already wrecked me. Yet it had just begun. I knew she was not going to wake up tomorrow and apologize. She had said, she was moving forward.

I felt filthy, like I had participated in it, however unwillingly. I took a long shower that didn't make me feel any cleaner, any healthier. I went back in the bedroom and contemplated our empty bed.

She wasn't coming upstairs anytime soon.

And if she did... would I even be able to look at her? Let alone hold her?

I sat on the edge of the bed, elbows on my knees, head bowed. And I folded my hands. Like I had since I was a boy. Not out of ritual. Out of true desperation.

"Father," I whispered. "I don't know what to say tonight."

My voice cracked, but I kept going.

"I don't know if I'm even supposed to ask for anything. I know that's not how this works. But I'm afraid. I'm watching the woman I love fall apart, and I can't stop it."

"She's not herself... or maybe something has her now--something dark--and I don't know how to fight it."

"I said yes tonight. Hated myself for it. But I said it because I thought... if I didn't... I'd lose her anyway."

"I've tried to be a good man. Not perfect, but faithful. Honest. I've kept my vows. I've protected her, honored her. And now I feel like I'm watching it all fall into fire."

My throat closed. I swallowed hard.

"I'm begging you Lord... open her eyes. Help her see what she's doing before it's too late. Bring her back. Not for me. For her. For our children."

"And if I'm meant to carry this... if I'm supposed to be her rock, her refuge... then make me strong enough. But please Lord, show me a way. Because it doesn't feel right. It feels like she is possessed by evil. How can I be her rock through that? Any participation in this feels like doing the devil's work. Is my job to stop her, somehow? Please God, I am lost. I don't know the way."

Silence settled over the room.

I lay down eventually. Turned toward her side of the bed.

The pillow still held her shape. Her scent. It hurt to breathe it in.

Somewhere below, the moaning continued. Soft. Rhythmic. She was still watching it.

I closed my eyes and waited for sleep.

It didn't come. Not for a long time.