A Conversation

I'm waking up, and a familiar friend is waiting for me.

"Awake at last!" he says, flippantly.

"I see you've been up for a while," I reply groggily. I grab his rigid body firmly. "What brings this about?"

"Aw, c'mon," he says, rolling his eyes. "Have you already forgotten that dream you just had? Where Brian comes to visit and after forty years lets you kiss him?"

"Oh, that one again," I sigh. "No wonder I feel yearning."

Not interested in hearing my troubles, my friend says, "C'mon. Get up. I gotta pee!"

I drag us to the bathroom to relieve my bladder. My friend is nowhere near as rigid as he was a few moments ago. As I expel the last few drops, I shake him, then head back to bed.

My friend lays on my lap. He's just lounging. "Hey, how come you're so lazy these days?" I ask him.

"I'm sixty-three years old, asshole! And you kept me busy constantly, starting when you were 'eighteen'--that's what I'm allowed to say, right? Bugging me constantly. You couldn't keep your hand off of me."

"Now listen," I reply. "You were constantly getting excited! The things I had to do, the places I had to go, to get you to calm down. I swear that relief only lasted for an hour, max! And then you were at it again!"

"It wasn't my fault you spent all that time in the gym shower," he scolds me. "Remember the brothers?" he whispers conspiratorially. "The ones you couldn't keep your eyes off of? Damn, they were impressive!"

I take my friend in hand out of habit. "Fuck yeah, they were. I always wanted to spend more time with them in the shower." My friend starts to swell slightly.

"I'll still never forgive you for what you did to me in college," he fumes. "That woman! She had no idea what to do with me! Fortunately, she didn't suffocate me, I don't think she even tried very hard."

"You know, of course, she badgered me into it. Wouldn't leave me alone until I introduced you two."

"Yeah, like you didn't enjoy me interacting with her. All the time, I wanted to be playing with the other guys down at the student union, or at the library, or in that bathroom in the math department, and you kept making me endure..." He sputters, but not in the good way I'm used to.

"Well, at least you met her and discovered for once and for all that you'd rather be with your own kind, no matter what."

"Damn right," he replies, proudly. "And it's been pure bliss ever since!"

"I miss the good old days when you and I had fun all the time, often with friends, but usually alone," I say, with regret.

"Remember, we're almost sixty-four years old!" he reminds me. "And then there's...." He knows I don't want to hear what he says next, so I say it for him.

"Diabetes. Anti-depressants. Less testosterone."

"Damn right!" he says. "Remember that one anti-depressant that made it very difficult to arrive at your chosen destination?"

"There was also that period where you got a crick in your back that made you bend in all sorts of deformed ways," I remind him. "We couldn't play often because it hurt. Fortunately, the doctor suggested a few simple things that ended up taking care of most of the problem."

"Yeah, I still can't stand up perfectly straight any more, and I'm a bit shorter than I was at my peak, but I can still deliver given proper inspiration," he replies, regretfully.

"And we tried those 'miracle drugs' several times," I continue. "All I got was a headache, nasal congestion, and everything looked blue."

"Some things don't work for everyone," he sighs.

I sit back and ignore him for a few minutes. He doesn't tolerate that very well.

"Hey! Hey! HEY!!" he yells. "Aren't you going to go to those websites, where there are thousands of my cousins parading around?" He's clearly annoyed at being overlooked. "I know I can't stand up for a long time, but at least you pay attention to me while you're there!"

"Funny you should mention that," I reply. "I was just going to one of those places. It has movies of your cousins exploring dark places, and they always end up kind of sticky!"

"Oh boy!" my friend exclaims jumping. "Yes, let's do that! I love when I can pretend I'm in their place, exploring various caves and crevasses."

"Accent on the 'ass' part off 'crevasse'," I reply with an exasperated sigh.

"Hey, don't forget that you often depend on me while you watch those movies," he protests. "I may not be able to deliver like I used to, but I'm not dead yet!"

"Yeah? Well prove it!" I tune to the website in question, and sure enough, we enjoy it just like the old days.

"Thanks, buddy," I say when we're finished. "I love you."

My friend retreats into his damp hiding place, not to be seen for several hours. But I know he's never far away.