Bonnets and Bondage Ch. 05

This is a story about damsels in distress in the Regency period. It contains non-consensual bondage and bad period dialogue; reader discretion is advised.

1.

"You must not stare, Georgiana," said Miss Catchpenny to her sister; "it is not genteel."

Georgiana nodded. She knew perfectly well that Eliza was right, but that did not make her advice any easier to follow. Count Malamar's ball was overwhelming to the inexperienced and even to the tolerably experienced eye, and calculated to be so; profusion lay on every side; experience had been ignored as any kind of consideration whatsoever. The ball-room was stuffed with footmen from floor to ceiling, well-looking and immensely tall, almost outnumbering the guests;--while near as many maidservants, collared, uniformed, and startlingly pretty, flitted about demurely in pursuance of their duties. Silver platters lay on every surface, dazzling white linen, a dozen kinds of fork; riots of spiced biscuits, toad in the hole, cherries and turnips, kippers and sweet wine, Scottish eggs, scarcely conceivable quantities of ham; while village gossip told, that his Excellency had laid out more on a single oddly soft, white-rinded species of French cheese--most excessively delicious, quite impossible to resist--than the average host spends on champagne.

The ball, moreover, was as well supplied with beauty as it was with material goods; for the young ladies of the village had resolved to make a brave and brilliant shew, each arrival surpassing the last in colour and countenance, and in the costly good taste of their toilette and garments. They were assisted in the latter regard by a further demonstration of the count's largesse:--in recent days his servants had visited the great beauties of the ærea, encompassing naturally among their number all three Catchpenny sisters, to present them with the most costly, fashionable, and scandalously revealing gowns available to humanity. The room shimmered with silk and satin, and gold and silver; with the glossy shine of young ladies' hair, dark and fair and auburn, and the glimpsed promise of their bodies.

"Sister, look; it is Major Shilling!"

"And what is that to me, Georgiana? I do not care three straws for his scarlet coat, I assure you. Where is he, if you please?"

"He comes this way. Hush!"

The young ladies adopted an attitude of studied nonchalance, Eliza putting one hand on a hip and examining her glass of wine and Georgiana, rather less convincingly, gazing directly upwards at the noble ceiling.--The officer approached, drew level, and then continued past having signally failed to ask how they did, how their mother and father did, whether they were quite well, and did they propose to dance? This omission was so vastly scandalous, the cut so cruel and undeniable, that both sisters were temporarily struck dumb; they gazed after the departing gentleman with unfeigned horror on their faces, which could only increase when they saw him walk up to their younger sister and with the most courteous address ask her for the first two dances. Ann!--The Major!--The first two dances! Eliza and Georgiana should have been no more baffled and disgusted had Major Shilling elected to pay his addresses to Tsar Alexander I.--But a more objective judge might have noted that Ann was in exceptionally fine looks; that she was indeed a veritable vision in burgundy velvet; and that her gown's high waistline and plunging neckline made her pert pale breasts look as inviting and accessible as a plate of soft white peaches. But I must offer my humblest apologies, for I digress.

The youngest Catchpenny having agreed to the said arrangement, and the count himself having failed to make an appearance, Eliza and Georgiana were very much at a loss. Disaster had struck:--they had not been asked to dance. They sat at the side of the room with the aunts and the plain girls and pretended not to mind, while the music began and the dancers took their places.

"Ann dances ill, does not she?" said Georgiana, maliciously.

"I scarcely call that dancing at all," replied Eliza; "Major Shilling shall be bruised all over, depend upon it. The Peninsular War can hold no fears once a man has survived our sister's quadrille."

"I did not wish to dance any way."

"Nor I.--It is an entertainment for small minds."

"The band play rather well, however."

"Moderately well; that violin is a trifle flat, I believe you will find."

The violin soldiered on, and the dancers did not appear to suffer any ill effects from its imperfections. Miss Ann and Major Shilling circled the room, returned to their places, bowed, shook hands, exchanged a few words and broke into laughter.

"I cannot imagine what the Major can find to talk about," said Miss Catchpenny. "Ann has no wit and very few topics."

"Perhaps he is taking the trouble to suggest a number of amendments to her manner of dancing," said Georgiana. "Were I obliged to stand up with Ann, I dare say it should make me laugh."

The sisters agreed that this was undoubtedly the case; each, however, privately feeling that Major Shilling had the air of a man well satisfied with his evening's exercise, and Ann an expression of great and deplorable complaisance. The dance proceeded; Major Shilling and Miss Ann parted once more; and then--

"I ask your pardon, good ladies and gentlemen:--but I must beg a moment of your time," said Mrs Fitzgerald in a commanding voice, bringing the dance, and almost every conversation in the room, to an end. "If you will be so good as to remain where you are, my colleague and I will undertake to conclude our business and be gone before you know it. I shall have done in five minutes, I assure you."

Georgiana looked about, her mind swirling in a lamentable confusion of spirits. Count Malamar had also appeared and wore an expression blended of displeasure and morbid anticipation; Mr Fox, having advised the band to cease their playing, was presently discussing a point of musical theory with their leader, Mr Yorke; and there were strangers, burly gentlemen with the appearance of hired constables, standing in groupes at each door. What on earth was happening?

"You are doubtless wondering what is happening," said the widow, who, I must note very briefly in passing, looked exceedingly well in a most becoming gown of dark blue silk which made much of her pretty neck and delightful cleavage. "We wish to make an announcement. Happily, we are now at liberty to inform you of the identity of the highwayman who has plagued our village and left young maidens afraid to step out of doors lest they be captured and bound. Indeed, you will be most shocked to learn that this person stands among you at this very moment."

2.

"Let us not wait any longer, my dear madam," cried Mr Catchpenny, bounding to his feet and glancing about with a wild surmise. "Name the villain directly, and I shall gladly see him hang."

"It should be my very great pleasure, sir," replied Mrs Fitzgerald, frowning; "but I fear the information will bring you little joy."

"Nonsense! The name, I beg."

"Then I must inform you, sir, that the highwayman is your own daughter.--Ann Catchpenny is the villain."

Mr Catchpenny turned scarlet with mortification, then pale with anger.

"You jest, ma'am? You teaze and jape, after I laid out, in good faith and with no receipt, three shillings ha'penny plus expences?"

"It is more--and less--than a jape," cried Miss Ann, her lovely chest rising and falling with outrage, straining against its velvet prison and threatening to escape. "It is an unpardonable libel, upon my honour! What possible motive could induce me to kidnap, strip, bind, gag, and thoroughly humiliate my esteem'd sisters? Shew me the proof, ma'am.--Shew me the proof!"

Mrs Fitzgerald looked calmly at Mr Fox, who smiled enigmatically, then whispered in Mr Yorke's ear. The band began to play once again, softly but with considerable nervous energy. The atmosphere in the ball-room became suffused with tension.

"What motive?" mused Mrs Fitzgerald. "Oh! merely the motive of escaping your sisters' oppressive collective shadow."

"Phoo!"

"Not phoo, young lady. Not phoo at all. You wished to marry, but saw that, living in a small village with two older and equally beautiful sisters, your prospects were sadly limited; you believed that by humiliating your sisters you should elevate your own chances of an advantageous match. Do you deny it?"

"Most assuredly I deny it.--The notion is ridiculous."

"Look at Major Shilling, I beg." That gentleman looked troubled, and vext, and tried to step away from Miss Ann without exciting further comment. "He paid you, I happen to know, very little heed before recent events; none at all, in fact; he was full of admiration for Miss Catchpenny, and to a lesser degree as etiquette demands, Miss Georgiana. And now he ignores your excellent sisters and pays you the compliment of asking for the first two dances. This is a happy development, is not it?"

"You believe I committed the most shocking crimes out of love for the Major? Ha!"

"Dash it all, I say--" He began to object, but was roundly ignored.

"By no means, Miss Ann. You had designs on a far more advantageous match, if the Major will forgive me. You wished to sabotage any chance of Count Malamar making an offer of marriage to either of your sisters, and thereby increase the chance that he should make one to you."

All eyes turn'd to the Count, who smiled at this, raised an eyebrow, and lifted a glass in mocking salute.

"A very pretty story, my dear madam," said Ann. "But I notice, that you have still failed to offer any proof. This is merely a theory."

"A theory--perhaps so; at least at first. Do you know when my suspicions were roused? 'Twas when you thwarted the plan hatched by myself and the estimable Reverend Fox to bait the highwayman into reckless action. How came he to know about the said plan? I could not understand it, Miss Ann.--Only the family knew of it.--The only possible conclusion was that a member of the family was implicated in the crime."

"This would be the occasion, I collect, when you yourself were captured and bound. Bound most securely and humiliatingly, as I recal," Ann sneered; "with a pleasing excess of tight, skilfully knotted rope, and bridled and leashed like a pretty poney. Doubtless you will inform us all why I should wish to see you thus defeated and humbled; why you should hold the least significance to me."

Mrs Fitzgerald coloured slightly at the re-collection; momentarily she forgot what she was about, and experienced once again, in the vibrant and oft-visited theatre of her memory, the bite of the cords, the discomfort of the gag, the shame of her vanquishing and capture at the highwayman's, the highwaywoman's hands. But Mr Fox had anticipated this and stept forward with smooth facility to take up her burden.

"Why!" cried he; "I can assure you that Mrs Harriet Fitzgerald is a woman of the utmost significance in a general sense; you will find a livelier mind, a steadier character, a truer friend in no part of the British Isles, nor indeed in France. But in the particular sense, my colleague was naturally significant to you because she was the most like to bring you to justice for your crimes."

He smiled self-deprecatingly, and adjusted his wig.

"It is really rather obvious, if you will forgive the liberty."

There was a gentle murmur of amusement at this dash of wit, and Miss Ann looked put out. She opened her mouth to deliver a riposte... and was unable to think of one;--which produced an other gale of laughter.

"Miss Ann with no thing to say for herself, upon my word!" laught the Major; "will wonders never cease?"

Mrs Fitzgerald, smiling and poised, once again in controul of her sentiments, now continued her narrative.

"You tied me too tight, Miss Ann.--That was your mistake. I have been bound by many men, and they are for the most part (bowing to Mr Fox) fond and soft-hearted creatures, who will truss a damsel tight enough that she cannot escape, but no tighter. But to yank the cords so hard, to knot them with such fiendish strength, that the captive moans and writhes with agony? Only a woman has ever bound me as tight as you.--Which told me at once, that our highwayman was no man, at all."

Miss Ann laught at this unusual deduction; but her countenance betrayed a slight diminution in her self-possession.

"A pretty supposition, upon my word!" cried she. "What a shame there are so few women in existence in the Home Counties. I suppose I must be your culprit. Take me away, constables!" Pleased with herself, the young lady presented her wrists for the gyves with an eyebrow raised mockingly.

"Oh! my dear girl--you cannot possibly suppose I am finished?" laught Mrs Fitzgerald. "Of course we checked your room to make sure. And found this." She produced a black mask from the depths of her cloathing, and flourished it with a smile. "I do hope you shall not miss it! Now kindly shew yourself an amiable obedient young creature for once and cross your wrists behind your back; it is your turn to wear the ropes."

Ann's eyes opened wide with alarm and vexation. For the merest fraction of a second, she gave the matter her fullest consideration; and then her arm whipped out and snatched the heavy cavalry sabre from Major Shilling's belt. There was a satisfying whetstone shriek as it slid from the scabbard, accompanied by sounds of consternation from its former possessor:--"That sword cost him three guineas in the Burlington-arcade; it was a confounded liberty, &c."

"Well, my dear," said the lady, brandishing the blade with practised intent; "this is a very bad thing for me; but it shall be still worse for you."

Mrs Fitzgerald sighed; this development was most inconvenient, but wholly predictable. Scarcely could she recal a mystery that did not culminate in the villain insisting on a battle to the death. And here she was, without the pistols.

"A sword, if you please!" she cried. "A cutlass, given the choice; but a sabre or spadroon should serve admirably."

There was a sort of baffled quiet in the ball-room, as if no one had the least notion of the etiquette. The hired gentlemen looked among themselves, unsure of the best course of action:--they had evidently and not unreasonably believed that a pretty young gentlewoman presented no great threat to men of their physical capabilities and had brought not a single sword nor pistol between them. Ann darted forward, grasping the sabre in both hands, and swung wildly at Mrs Fitzgerald's scull.--The latter ducked with the utmost alacrity.

"A blade of any description would meet my requirements," she continued, a little breathlessly, endeavouring to keep her distance from the bloodthirsty young gentlewoman; "or indeed a bludgeoning instrument, pole-arm, blowpipe or crossbow."

Replies came there none; the room appeared lamentably weaponless, with the notable exception of Ann Catchpenny's hands.--She emphasised this fact by swinging at Mrs Fitzgerald's calves with the monstrous sabre and then expressed considerable disapprobation when her quarry leapt nimbly over the blade. A second swipe passed perilously close to the widow's throat and knocked off the wig of a constable who had come too near.

"Ma'am! May I take the liberty of offering my humble assistance?" Mrs Fitzgerald turned to see who offered aid; she was surprised to learn that the lady's maid Alice had acquired the presence of mind to offer up the poker from the large fire. She nodded, relieved; Alice hurled the item towards her, tumbling end over end; she plucked it deftly from the air, tested its weight, gripped it tight.

"It is not what I had in mind," she cried; "but it will serve.  En garde, madam;  en garde."

Ann smiled, remarked that the lady's sword suited her no better and no worse than her gown, and switched to a single-handed stance, side on to her foe. The girl's limbs were slender, Mrs Fitzgerald observed inwardly, but they must be bless'd with astonishing strength to wield a sword of that size with such apparent ease.

"I am, you see, a person of consequence," said Ann.

"I do not doubt, madam, that your capabilities are considerable; and you have squandered them all."

Ann snarled and thrust the tip of the sabre at the blue silk of the widow's midriff.--The latter leapt back and brought the poker across in a neat parry. The weapons clashed with a shockingly loud report.

"You have not I think wasted your time learning to play the pianoforte and hiding behind your fan," said Mrs Fitzgerald; "but no more have I."

She feinted in the direction of Miss Ann's shoulder, dropt the tip of the poker when that lady moved to obstruct its passage, and then slashed it across the younger woman's posterior. There was a small and suppressed yelp, and Ann massaged her person.

"Depend upon it," she cried, "I mean to slay you."

"You are all kindness, my dear madam."

Ann's composure was now wholly departed; there was a want of grace in her movements, but a compensatory increase in the speed and ferocity of her attacks.--To Mrs Fitzgerald's weary eye there appeared at least half a dozen sabres whirling about her head and body. As the ladies danced their deadly cotillion about the room, a wide and wary circle of onlookers moving with them, she called upon her deepest reserves of pluck and skill, parrying the strikes she was able and doing her best to dodge the rest; occasionally the blade found its target, but happily the damage was limited to her gown, which began to lose its structural integrity as more and more pieces were hacked off. Tolerably vast expanses of her legs and torso were by degree put on shew, and she coloured to be thus exposed; but this was preferable to the same fate befalling her viscera.

The lady's comparative felicity could not however be expected to last, and in due course an especially vigorous swipe at her left ear, parried in good time and with commendable style, proceeded to cleave fully through the brittle iron of the poker and continue on its way, having lost a little of its momentum but none of its murderous intent. The sabre completed its vicious semicircle, cutting away a lock of Mrs Fitzgerald's hair and coming within an ace of her cheek. The top half of the poker fell to the parquet floor, and the blonde hairs fluttered gently after it.

"You will presently I trust have the goodness to die," cried Ann, preparing for a final and definitive strike, "and rot in the earth with your fool of a husband."

Disarmed and provok'd most severely, Mrs Fitzgerald looked about desperately for aid, but saw that it was quite impossible for any one to thwart Miss Ann's purpose without putting their own person in the gravest of danger. Only Mr Fox, she knew for a certainty, would make such a sacrifice, but he was the very one she could least wish to do so; and she advised that gentleman most firmly that his intervention was not welcome.--Death held few fears.--She was calm.

"It should be an honour to meet that gentleman again," she said, dropping the half-poker to the floor. Ann laught, raised the heavy blade two-handed above her head, and then--

There was a loud knock, an insufficient fraction of a pause, and the door swung recklessly open.--Miss Ann was sent sprawling, the sword skittering away across the parquet with Major Shilling following hurriedly after. The room erupted amazingly: the constables fell upon Ann, taking hold of her arms and legs; Mr Fox fell upon Mrs Fitzgerald, embracing her with uncharacteristic gusto and saying he had never been so alarmed; the Major fell upon his sword and complained bitterly that there were two nicks in the steel and that he was only glad "that he happened to regain the item before it was badly spoil'd with blood."

And Pilcrow, standing in the doorway in apparent ignorance of the havock he had caused, offered the cook's compliments and desired it to be known that the ices were ready.

oOo

It was a quarter-hour later, and Miss Ann was a prisoner;--albeit a tolerably pretty one, standing erect with a dignified and haughty air, her alabaster chest displayed to advantage by her gown's plunging neckline and that lovely auburn hair cascading about her shoulders; no common criminal in Canterbury-gaol ever looked so well. Any number of volunteers had offered to bind the vanquished captive, including both of her aggriev'd sisters and almost every eligible bachelor in the room; but Mrs Fitzgerald had insisted. It was universally accepted that she had earned that honour.

The widow gave a sharp additional tug on the cord, which produced a small squeak of discomfort, and pronounced herself satisfied with her handiwork. Ann's upper body was tightly and thoroughly truss'd and she had sadly little prospect of escape: her wrists had been crossed between her shoulder blades and firmly lashed there, with the bonds tethered to further cords about the girl's neck and shoulders. Her upper body was wholly still, wholly immovable, wholly statuesque; she wriggled and writhed in her bonds, strained her arms against the tight embrace of the cords, but found, to her infinite dismay, that she was quite at the mercy of her erstwhile prisoner.

"I am convinced," said Mrs Fitzgerald with a broad smile to the assembled constables, "that this young lady shall give you no trouble; I am happy to tell you, that she is entirely bound and helpless; quite powerless to resist, fight, or otherwise give you the smallest inconvenience."

There was a round of applause at this pronouncement, for the dancers and other guests had as yet, and against Mr Catchpenny's urgent whispered hints, shewn no inclination to depart. They remained in a large circle watching the pretty prisoner's subdual with the utmost complaisance.

"We are obliged to you, ma'am," said Mr Fox, tipping his hat. "You have roped her up most efficaciously. But if I might offer a hint, our little criminal could yet run from the proper administration of legal justice. Her legs are free."

"How true, my dear sir. I thank you for the counsel and shall profit by it presently."

Kneeling next to Miss Ann with handfuls of rope, and after advising her in the warmest language that she would be well advised to refrain from kicking lest she find herself stripped naked in front of the assembled croud, Mrs Fitzgerald applied herself to binding the girl's long and exceedingly pleasant legs. She raised the hem of the burgundy gown, and desired Eliza and Georgiana to have the goodness to assist her by holding it up high; then she carefully lashed and cinched rope about the girl's ancles, her calves, her knees and her thighs, yanking the bindings as tight as she could at each point. Ann was now not merely defenceless, but unable to walk, or kick, or indeed do any thing but stand in one place.

The widow stood up, dusted off her hands theatrically, and advised the prisoner's sisters that "they might now allow the gown to drop to its former station, if you please." Eliza and Georgiana being of a different opinion, however, the sisters chose instead to gather up the velvet and tie it in an elaborate bundle behind Ann's back, thereby leaving her legs and smallcloathes on shew. The widow laught and pronounced this a most amusing conceit; Ann plainly did not agree, but was not consulted.

"Dear me! how disagreeable," said Eliza. "Outwitted, defeated, and now tied up as tight as could be in front of half the village; you must be tolerably mortified, my dear sister." She smiled maliciously.

"We did warn her, did not we?" put in Georgiana, provoking laughter among the croud. "We told the silly wench that she would be snatched up and bound in her turn. But she did not listen. How foolish!"

"You warned me that I would be bound by the highwayman, you blockhead. I am the highwayman!" Her temper rising, Ann strained to the utmost against her bonds.

"Goodness, are you unable to escape?" giggled Eliza. "How prodigiously vexing."

"I shall be free before long, I assure you," Ann replied. "I do not share your aptitude for captivity."

"Is that so? I thank you most heartily for the intelligence." Mrs Fitzgerald tossed several further loops of rope about the prisoner's shoulders and allowed them to settle above and below her prominent bosom. She pulled the ropes excessively tight, then knotted and cinched them carefully. Ann was more constrained than ever, and furious with herself for the faux-pas. Mrs Fitzgerald gave her a small wink, then curtseyed to the croud.

"Handsomely done," called out Count Malamar. "A tolerably pretty package, ready to be conveyed to gaol."

"You are most kind," replied Mrs Fitzerald, laughing still louder, then leaned in close to make a whisper'd observation in her captive's ear. The remark was too soft to be discerned by any one else; but its character could be perceived by its effect on the hearer, who gave every sign of a violent, intemperate wrath suppressed with the greatest of difficulty: her eyes narrowed; her complexion coloured; her jaw clench'd; and the muscles of her arms and legs flexed and strained against the cruel tight ropes. But she appeared determined not to give the satisfaction of a reply.

"I honour you, my dear; you are the very model of a good quiet obedient prisoner," cried Mrs Fitzgerald. Then she swatted the girl firmly on her rear.

This was too much; altogether too much. Ann could contain her fury no longer.

"Have the goodness, madam, to keep your b---- hands to yourself, you s---- f---- w---- of a c----," she remarked, straining to her utmost against the ropes holding her helpless and growing angrier with the second. "I shall see you hang for this and s---- on your b---- grave, you h---- j---- f---- s----."

The room fell silent, shocked by the intemperate violence of the girl's language. Mrs Fitzgerald smirked.

"Oh! dear me; such a shame. We really cannot allow such talk, is not that so, Mr Fox?"

"Of course not.--Our captive must be silenced. May I?"

"You may, sir, and I thank you most heartily."

Ann blustered her objections, but it was plainly necessary for social harmony that she be gagged, and gagged well.--Mr Fox sprang upon the prisoner from behind, clasping her in an iron embrace, and signalled to his friend to pass him the black mask.--He twisted this into a thick bit and jammed it between Ann's teeth despite her best efforts to avoid it, then tied it off behind her head.--This done, he released her and stept back.

"It seems most apt for the thief to be gagged with her own mask," said he; "a fitting adornment for her, and a relief from unwanted noise for us."

"Cnrphm ymn fnr n grnphph-cnmhnng hmnchgnnrn," Ann said in a discontented tone. "Rmmmnphm mm nph nncm!" [1]

"Well said, madam," he replied, to gentle laughter. "But do not allow me to detain you further;--you had better be off." He knotted a length of rope about the girl's neck as a makeshift leash, and handed the end to the nearest constable. That gentleman grasped this firmly, and walked towards the door, leaving Ann no choice but to follow closely behind, hopping upon her bound legs and fulminating incomprehensibly into her gag. The croud parted to allow them through, all eyes fixed on the shamed maiden hopping along, bound and thoroughly humbled; there was a susurration of whispered remarks, and several of the servants forgot themselves so far as to point and laugh. Tightly bound and gagged, defeated utterly and humiliated almost beyond endurance, Ann coloured deeply and lowered her eyes, a signal of surrender which Harriet Fitzgerald instantly noticed. "Perhaps," she laughingly observed, "she might after all make a good submissive wife--provided her husband be well supplied with rope."

oOo

[1] "Curse you for a grass-combing blackguard," Ann said in a discontented tone. "Release me at once!"

oOo

Epilogue

On a blazing hot but otherwise unremarkable April afternoon in the year 18--, His Excellency the Count Malamar of B---- and G---- in the Kingdom of R---- entered at last, and against popular expectation, into the blessed matrimonial state.

The ceremony, which was held at Thornfield and attended by a grand total of two persons, not counting servants and horses, was certainly the first of its kind, and will in all probability be the last, to take place in Great Britain. It was peculiar in a number of respects, and if the Count had not twelve thousand a year it might not have been considered wholly respectable.

In the first place, there were two brides, who happened to be sisters, rather than the more conventional one. The bridegroom stood facing the clergyman in a tolerably smart suit of cloathes; Miss Eliza Catchpenny stood slightly to his left, wearing a low-cut gown in virginal white silk; and Miss Georgiana Catchpenny stood to her left, clad in the like manner. Still more scandalously, the clergyman, if such a term be applicable, was American.

"As a general rule," said the first guest to the second in a more or less discreet undertone, "I do not care for weddings, which strike me as hollow and melancholy affairs; but I must confess that the irony of this union pleases me exceedingly."

"There is a happy sense of justice to the occasion," Mr Fox agreed. "The Count had not the least interest in marrying a mere dull respectable gentlewoman; but a brace of pretty damsels in distress, captured, tightly bound and gagged, and utterly humiliated?--only such a circumstance could persuade a man of his nature to form an attachment. If only Miss Ann were here to see the failure of all her schemes."

"That little criminal must be half way to gaol by now. And a most uncomfortable journey it shall be."

"Indeed; I do not care for these roads when I am sitting on a horse, let alone tied across one."

Mrs Fitzgerald smiled. "As a mode of travel I do not recommend it."

The two friends were obliged at this point to pause their conversation, for their participation was required. They had been desired to act as witnesses, principally because no one else had been willing to attend.

"Forasmuch as J---- and Ann and Georgiana have consented together in holy wedlock," said the American gentleman, "and have witnessed the same before God and this company, and thereto have given and pledged their troth; I pronounce that they be man and wife and also wife, In the Name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost. Amen. You may now bind the brides."

Well;  this was unexpected;--Harriet Fitzgerald had seen many things, but she had never previously attended a wedding which involved bondage. It was to be sure the very thing she would expect from the Count, but for the tolerably genteel Catchpenny sisters to consent to such an occurrence was a most surprising development. Yet the two ladies did not appear to entertain any doubts as to either the propriety or the wisdom of the wedding's unorthodox rituals:--They turned obediently to face the witnesses and stood quite still as their husband produced lengths of slim cord and lashed their wrists tightly together behind their backs.

"As the church submits to The Lord, so must the wife submit to her lord and master," intoned the clergyman. "The highest virtue for womankind is obedience, and chains her most fitting raiment."

Mr Fox nudged Mrs Fitzgerald. "I have always told you as much," he whispered. "How pleasing to have scriptural justification for my arguments."

She suppressed a giggle. "I am not persuaded that this gentleman has any acquaintance whatsoever with the scriptures," she replied, archly; "nor with women, for that matter."

"Perhaps not; but I must confess, that it is some time since I have enjoyed a wedding so well."

"I suppose, sir, that you wish this gentleman had presided when you were wed."

It was Mr Fox's turn to smile. "Now that would have been something to see," said he. "But I am not sure it would have suited Mrs Fox. No; I do not believe I would change any thing about that day."

The Count was now tying rope hobbles about the girls' ancles, in such a way that they could walk, but only with difficulty, and with tiny steps. While this took place the American took the liberty of observing, as if it were the most self-evident thing in the world, that wives are and always shall be mere chattel, and that in consequence their husbands have the right and the duty to keep them firmly under controul.

"Did you mean what you said before?" asked Mr Fox. "Are you truly of the opinion, madam, that weddings are hollow and melancholy?"

"I spoke in jest, sir. Although--"

"My dear?"

"The whole thing is a bargain, is not it? And a tolerably foolish one."

"I regret to say that you have lost me, Harriet."

"Love, Edmund;  love is a bargain. You purchase a few years of happiness, without knowing how many; and then the debt comes due, and you pay in sorrow the rest of your days."

Mr Fox squeezed his friend's hand while the ceremony reached its conclusion.

"Wives must be submissive and silent," said the American, while the Count flourished two white kerchiefs. "Do you renounce your voices?"

"We welcome our muzzles," said the girls in unison. "Turn us, o husband, into your silent and obedient property."

Mrs Fitzgerald rolled her eyes. But the Count smiled complaisantly as he placed a scarf between Eliza's lips, pulled back vigorously on the cloth so it was jammed between her back teeth, knotted it tight behind her head, and finally lowered her veil to conceal his handiwork.--Then he did the same to Georgiana. Both girls were now tightly and thoroughly bound and gagged. They looked exceedingly well in their wispy, scarcely-there gowns, Mrs Fitzgerald was obliged to concede;--like two pretty damsels ready to be rescued, but not too soon, if you please. The Count had precisely what he wanted, and the girls too appeared pleased. Perhaps the American knew more about womankind than she had realised.

"They mean to sail for the New World, I understand," she said to Mr Fox.

"Indeed so.--I am led to believe that unusual modes of life are tolerated more readily there."

"A happy state of affairs, sir; long may it last."

It was time to depart. Mr Fox and Mrs Fitzgerald followed the wedding party outside, the Count striding and his brides hobbling obediently behind, to the cour d'honneur where the landau awaited. But as the groupe prepared to enter the carriage, there was a muffled squeak of protest, and the maid Alice Jenkinson emerged from a service-door, hopping hurriedly towards the party and attempting to attract their attention. She was bound hand and foot, and had a thick band of cloth stretched over her mouth. The housekeeper, wearing a flustered countenance, followed behind.

"I do beg your pardon, sir and madams," cried Mrs Thrash. "I did my best to keep this little vixen restrained, upon my word. She will regret this impertinence, I do assure you."

"Nf ymn plmmnphm!" mewled the maid through her gag. "Phnhm mm wmnphh ymn!" [2]

"My wife's maid!" cried the Count, chuckling and winking at the helplessly bound servant. "Of course she must accompany us." He hefted the girl over his shoulder and bundled her into the carriage, before assisting his brides to follow her inside. He then waved to the witnesses, Eliza and Georgiana being indisposed for such courtesies, and signalled to the driver. There was a crack of a whip, and the three were whisked away.--To a new life, and perhaps a happier one.

The two friends walked back inside. The house was almost deserted; the food untouched; the band were playing to an empty room. Mr Fox bowed, and offered his hand. And without exchanging a word, they began to dance.

FIN

oOo

[2] "If you please!" mewled the maid through her gag. "Take me with you!"