Catharsis

Catharsis

A moment to share notes from the mind of a beautiful woman

Author's Note:

Just to be clear, dear Reader, this is real... not a work of fiction.

It has been a year since my wife of 35+ years passed away. I was told the first year would be hard, and they were right. One of the hardest things, though, is going through her "stuff" and figuring out what to keep, what to donate and what to trash. She was an artist of many talents and acquired quite a bit of "stuff" to go through. She was also an avid journalist.

At the time of these writings, we had both come out of prior marriages, open in nature, which in hindsight had taught us what we didn't want in a partner. Or lover.

I came across the following two entries to herself and was amazed. I had no idea they existed. I'm transcribing them here, partly because I think they are wonderfully expressed and partly because it is an exercise in catharsis for me. I've edited them to take out proper names and add some clarification of relationships (in brackets). W- is her ex. L- is me. Otherwise, these are her words in her writings. I do beg your indulgence. This time I am not concerned about voting or comments. I'm pleasing me, and not so concerned about you, the Reader. If you can identify, or appreciate, so much the better.

Six moths before we were married (apparently written to herself):

"In some ways, it was easier to try to correct what faults someone else saw in me than to learn to accept myself. I still try to run away from it sometimes, to reject what this past year has taught me and hide in some place I perceive to be safer. What keeps me going at all sometimes is an unfamiliar faith that what I felt in the center of this unholy war was more real than the fears I confront now in my moments of solitude.

"I know what is healthy. W- is not. L- is. Me being caught up in the hurricane forces of life with W- is not, because then I neglect my daughter, my business, my own satisfaction and dreams, my values and my "self". I once felt L- had caught me up in a whirlwind, a water spout that sucked me in against all my intentions. This, however, did not contradict myself or my values. Everything was drawn in. And I liked it.

"It is not easier this way. It is much better. I believe that, and that belief is stronger than any fear or ploy my mind chooses to utilize."

Five weeks after we were married (apparently written to me, but never shared):

"Truly now I have a husband for the first time in my life. I am happier than I have ever been despite the adjustments and hassles with W-, the chaos of the apartment, my separations from [my daughter], my conflicts with [my stepdaughter]. Even considering all of it, I am happy as never before.

"I did hold back with the others. I had no one in my life with whom I could share my feelings and thoughts openly, honestly. I always felt I had to filter them, translate them and edit them into a form someone else could accept. You may disagree with me but you don't discount me. And so I feel more alive than ever. I feel things more intensely, as if my vision had been clouded by cataracts and with them removed, I can see shapes and colors as they really are.

"I once told G- [ex-lover] the reason I took no other outside lovers during the two years we didn't see each other was that I was no longer willing to settle for second best. That was an important decision for me, to set my own standards and recognize I didn't need to accept less for myself. If W- straightened out his act tomorrow, or G- or anyone I've loved, they would still be second best compared to you. As you are, human and imperfect by your own standards, you are wonderful to me. You are the best lover, the best husband, the best partner, the best friend.

"You talked once last Fall about the bonding taking place between the two of us. You are amazed at how available I make myself to you. I feel secure with you. I trust you and I want the pleasure of you whether that is a fiery, sexual contact or the sweet cuddling in our sleep or the still-being-choreographed partnering of living together. You mean so much to me. You help me put in my day to day life the warmth and joy and sanity and accomplishments that I have done without for what seems like centuries.

"You can be a stern taskmaster. And I see that as a challenge I enjoy meeting. You recognize my right to choose and you reward my efforts with the attention and praise I want. Perhaps that's part of what scares you, knowing how vulnerable I am to being controlled by a process like this. I can't prove to you that I don't get lost in you. Sometimes I do. I get lost in the most wonderful ways, in your arms, in your imagination, in the things you share with me that you care deeply about.

"It is the similarities to my own desires that makes it oh-so-easy for me to melt into you. I may not wish to talk about some of these things at a particular time. That doesn't mean I don't respond to the ideas and experiences I receive. I get overwhelmed. I don't want to impede the flow. I want to increase my capacity to handle it. What you share with me is beautiful sometimes in an abstract, philosophical way, other times in a pragmatic, functional way. I'm greedy, hungry for it all.

"I know it will take time & work. I have patience and energy. Being with you is so good, I have more every day. I am not lost in you in the sense of being used up or suppressed. I feel expansive and focused better than before we got married. I have this well of love and strength and joy that deepens every day. That's mine to enjoy and use. That is for me just as your love was mine two years ago. I was loath to give it up or allow it to be threatened. Now you have my commitment to you partly because I needed to secure our rights to one another and partly because it promised to open a door within me I needed to unlock.

"Well, that door is open. I'm not pasting your methods and wants over my own. I'm not standing in your shadow worshipping you. I worship you as my beloved. The part of you I love in myself, I claim as the missing piece of me, the possibilities and hopes and dynamics that you combine in your own way and I recognize as kin to mine. I give myself to you in love. I indulge myself from time to time by not restraining the sparks and tendrils of my unedited emotions. I let you mold them, play with them as you please. I'm not lost then. I experience you as intimately as you do me. You are lovely inside your castle.

"You are quick to respond to me, sensitive so that overreaction on my part is unnecessary. You are Romantic as you love me. You aren't clumsy or disconnected from reality. You incorporate me. You love me actively and with intelligence. Of course I want to keep conflicts to a minimum. I'd be a fool to want to disrupt the positive, growing feelings I get when I'm with you. I won't trade off my wants and needs for your approval. And when I'm full of the love and joy you give me and apply my new tools in expressing that back to you, please have faith that I'm not off in a world of make believe. I know I'm not you. I am, however, very much in love with you. And very glad to be."

End Note:

Thank you for bearing with me. She was an incredible wife, mother, lover... and truly a soulmate. I was blessed to have her in my life. Once, when asked how much she loved me, she answered "infinitely." That was, to me, a perfect answer. I think that was true for both of us then, and still is now. I miss her every damned day.

~eidetic~