Two Things You Cannot Say

THE DAY BEFORE...

My birthday is September 1. The first day of school was September 2. That meant I would legally be an adult my entire senior year. I had a lot of reasons to look forward to my senior year. After being homeschooled all the way through my ninth grade year, I loved the feeling of freedom for the past two years and this year was going to be the best. Not having my mom looking over my shoulder all the time was such a sense of freedom.

Brianna is my BFF. I call her Bribri. The day before the first day of school she and I were celebrating my birthday by testing out hair styles for school. I was helping her more than she was me. My hair is short and pretty much cut to style while hers is longer and so much fun to play with. That's when she asked me a question that really made me think.

"Jessi. now that you are 18 what are you going to do at school since you are like, you know, legal!"

"Legal? What do you mean?"

She giggled in that way that always sent warm vibes into my heart. "You know... LEGAL." The look in her eyes added spice to her giggle and the tone in her voice when she said 'legal' almost sounded naughty.

I felt her words sinking in. I mused for a moment and added a little bit more naughty to the moment. As I twisted her hair into a cute braid I said, "Well I suppose I don't have to lie anymore to click on the 'I am 18' button to view porn."

Bribri giggled and turned her face to look back at me sitting on her bed behind her. "Jessi, you naughty girl."

I smiled. "Um hmm."

She smiled back, "Well I don't have much experience with that."

We both laughed. Her birthday was back in July. "Bribri. Any experience?"

She shrugged her shoulders as she twisted back around to let me continue with the braid. "You know I can be a busy girl." God she had a way of saying things that turned me on. "But Jessi, come on. Not at school!"

"Yeah you are right. Maybe I need to keep that a private thing alone."

"Alone? Only and always alone?"

"Well, maybe with a certain someone... my little Bribri."

"Okay. That's better." At that moment in time, I wanted to slither around and crawl into her lap and pull her mouth to mine and give her a big kiss. But that would be a problem since she was totally straight and I had never told her how I was attracted to her.

I loved her. But I was trapped. She was straight and the daughter of the Pastor of our church. She really liked boys; I mean REALLY liked boys. Her thing with porn was finding the erotic images of a guy with a great cock who was eager to please and be pleased. Anytime even a hint of lesbian or bi came up she would move on without a word.

So of course I had to pass on the urge to kiss her and instead whispered in her ear, "You are the only one who I share my naughty little secret of porn loving times with, Bribri."

As I sat there in a secret puddle of gooey mess, Bribri repeated her question. "So what are you going to do?"

I did not have an answer. It was odd that when finally reaching that special age of liberation I really did not know what difference it would make at school. I was silent as I continued to twist her braid until I said, "One thing for sure. I am going to vote. And I am going to vote for Mr. Bradley."

"Mmm," she purred, "that is a good idea. Me too!"

Mr. Bradley was our English teacher at school. He went to our church too. He was running for City Council in our little town. He was our favorite teacher. Bribri had a little crush on him. He wasn't married... yet. His fiancee' was in some kind of grad program overseas. When she finished then they were going to get married.

Our conversation migrated on to other things. But Bribri's question kept bouncing around in my head.

THE FIRST DAY...

So it did not take long for me to discover an answer to Bribri's question on the first day of school. In fact, it was in my Period 2 class. English. Mr. Bradley. He was giving his rules and procedures speech. I knew the speech since I had him back in my sophomore year too. Now he was my Senior AP English Teacher. But the rules were just the same.

So I was not so shocked when he got to the part of his speech that had indeed shocked me the first time I heard him say it two years ago. TWO years. Wow. Bribri had been secretly stuck on him for almost two years! And the speech, I had heard it before. So I was ready when he got to the juicy part.

"Our class is going to challenge you. I want you to succeed. I expect to be your partner, not your enemy. I am a teacher, not a cop. So it is simple. There are two things you cannot say."

I perked up at this point because I knew what was coming.

"One, You cannot say anything disrespectful. This is a non-negotiable. You must be respectful to me and of others and yourself and the coursework. You must also expect that others are respectful of you at all times, including me. Respect. No compromise. Any questions?"

He paused longer than our silence required, either to make his point sink in or to create drama for the anticipation of the other thing.

"Great. Here is the second thing you cannot say." Again he paused, and this time it was for sure for the drama. Finally he said, "Fuck."

There were several gasps and a lot more giggles and laughs. Mr. Bradley was a cool teacher for sure. But everyone knew he was a really moral and religious guy. To hear that word spoken by him was a bit of a shock. But again, I had heard this part of his speech two years ago. Mr. Bradley then made his case for what that word really meant ("a boy putting his penis into a girl's vagina") and why it was so inappropriate. But my mind was wandering. I had heard it from him before. Two years ago.

Two years ago I was not 18... today I was 18. Bribri's question... Mr. Bradley's "fuck." It was a recipe that stirred together deep inside of me.

After school Bribri and I were walking home together. We were talking about all the news of our first day. Eventually I interjected, "And guess what? I think I have an answer to your question."

"My question?"

"Yeppers. Remember? You asked me what I was going to do at school now that I was 18."

She laughed, "Oh yeah, I remember. So?"

"So I think I have something that you might not approve of." I knew that would get her attention. And it did. She stopped walking and turned to look at me. I stopped and looked into her eyes, those smoldering brown eyes that got her so much attention. "Wanna hear my answer?"

"Uh - YES!"

"Okay. But remember I warned you." She nodded with just a hint of cautious concern on her face. "So do you remember Mr. Bradley's speech he gives about his class rules and stuff?"

"Yeah. Did he give the same speech again? Was it good? Did he convince everyone he is the coolest, cutest, best teacher on campus?" Bribri was just oozing infatuation for him.

"Yeppers. Same speech. Including that part about the two things you cannot say."

Bribri has this beautiful pale skin. It glows like the clouds, but is completely unblemished. A gift from God for sure. So when she blushes, it is so cute. Her cheeks get so rosy red. Even her neck gets flushed with blush red. When it registered in her mind what those two things were, she blushed. "Oh my god, did he say it again?"

"Yeppers." I smiled with a pause, taking from Mr. Bradley's model ironically. Then I teasingly said to her, "He said... RESPECT."

"Oh Jessi! Not that word."

We both laughed together and then I said to her, "And then he said the other thing. Just stood there right in front of our class and said it like it was not a big deal." I did not say the word on purpose. Oh how I wanted to hear her sweet mouth utter that word to me. I would take it any way I could get it from her.

But she said only, "Was it that same word? You know, the 'F' word?"

I tried to hide my frustration and disappointment in that moment as I nodded while trying to find my next words. I tried to be clever in the moment. "Yes, I know several "F" words."

"Jessi. You know what I mean. Did he actually say the "F" word?"

I was going for it. We were alone in the moment. I wanted to hear her say it to me. My heart was racing. I wanted to hear my sweet Bribri say 'fuck' to me. I smiled at her and said, "Well, if we are thinking of the same word, then yes. What 'F' word could you possibly ever mean?"

She glanced around as if making sure nobody was around to hear us. With rosy cheeks in full blush she looked at me with those smoldering brown eyes, With a tone that hinted at defiance she said just one word. "Fuck."

inside my heart jumped and I was ready and willing to do anything to or for her. To hear her cross the line with that word with me was such a turn on. But that was inside. That was my secret cross to bear with Bribri. She was my BFF. She loved me. But I was IN love with her.

Outwardly I tried to play it off casually so as not to spook her. "Yeppers. Fuck. And you should have seen how the class reacted."

"I would love to have seen that." I nodded and thought to myself how I would love to see her kiss me and erotically whisper that word in my ear. "And how does this answer my question to you?" She pulled me from my wandering erotic thoughts of her back to the point.

"Oh yeah. What am I going to do? Well, what if I stay after school one day and stop by Mr. Bradley's class. I tell him I am not 18 and have rights and freedoms that other students don't have yet. And when he asks me what rights and freedoms I have..." Again I paused for effect. I was already learning from him.

Bribri was now following my every word. My pause was too long for her liking. "Jessi, what rights and freedoms?"

I continued, "Well I would tell him that I have the right to free speech." Another pause to let that sink in. It worked.

"Jessi! No way you are thinking what I think you are thinking."

I teased her again. "Well, I guess that depends on what you are thinking."

"Jessi. What ARE you thinking?"

"Imagine if I told him that since I have the right to free speech now, I can say that word to him."

Bribri looked stunned. She clarified. "Jessi... what word!?"

"Bribri, you know what word." I was getting good at the pauses now.

"Oh My God! You wouldn't!"

"Well. I am 18 and have rights. You too." I smiled as if I had just won a debate with her. "So I can say it if I want to." As she looked at me shaking her head, I pushed a bit more. "I can say it right now too."

She did not look at me. She did not say anything. She did not try to stop me either. I didn't say it. But I wanted to. But the table was set. The seeds had been planted. Bribri's question. Mr. Bradley's "F" word My cravings for more of Bribri. It was planted now. Perhaps out of sight for a while, but still germinating.

TWO WEEKS LATER...

I was propped up on Bribri's bed after school, working on my laptop writing an essay for AP English. She was in the shower. She ran cross country and they ran after school every day. I had a hard time concentrating as I listened to the sound of the shower through the wall. She was that close to me... mere inches. But that wall separated us. But that wall could not stall my heart from feeling the heat of the fantasy of being there with her.

I closed my eyes and saw the vision of her standing there, naked, in the shower. Her long, dark hair hanging down her back. Her soapy hands moving all over like Mr. Bradley's hand when he erases the white board. Circles. Up and down. Back and forth. Rubbing harder in certain places. I could see her.

I could see her body. Naked. Her toned legs pulling my admiration towards her. I was so proud of how hard she worked to be the best runner should could be. Her cute bottom was soapy. Her firm tummy was soapy. Her shoulders were soapy. I watched as her hands got her breasts soapy. They were so perky even though she was a little big for her frame. Only 5-4 and about 115 pounds, her breasts were 36c... and soapy. And there she stood in my mind's eye, with her hand softly diving between her legs... soaping along her freshly shaven mound and lips.

I was floating in my fantasy with my eyes closed as I sat there. Oblivious to all things around me in that moment. My secret passions on fire. The waters of the shower only made it burn even hotter. Again I felt that warm, sticky goo between my legs. As my heart purred along and my mind flooded my entire body with impulses that felt so real...

"Jessi? Are you awake?"

Bribri stood right there in front of me in her room with the door closed, with only a towel wrapped around her body. Her words were whispered just in case.

I opened my eyes and smiled. "Yeah I am awake. Just thinking." I forced a smile that I hoped would not betray the truth of what was bursting inside of me. Of course, it was nearly impossible to just push that fantasy out of my mind as I saw the real her really standing right in front of me wearing only that towel. And then...

"If you wanna stay for dinner, mom is making her lasagna. Good stuff!" As she gave me the invitation, she had reached into her closet and grabbed her PJ tee. She dropped the towel, and while standing there naked for a brief instant, she lifted her arms over her head and guided the tee to slide down her body into place. I could smell her fresh showered scent of lavender and vanilla.

"Let me check with my mom to see if it is ok," I said as she reached for a pair of panties. I swiped open my phone and tried to text my mom.. but I had to wait until my sweet goddess slid those panties on. She had absolutely no idea how erotic she was to me. As she wriggled her bottom into the bikini cut panties, her tee swayed back and forth like it was dancing in joy to be so close to her. I wanted to do that dance with her, on her, so bad.

She plopped on the bed next to me. "So?"

"So what?" Whenever we had these kind of moments, my heart always raced in hopes that this might be the moment we actually move towards intimacy. Once again it was a false alarm.

"So. Did your mom say you could stay for dinner?"

"She hasn't replied yet. But I have a lot of homework, Bribri. Maybe I should go." I was hoping she would protest.

"Mom's lasagna," she sang back at me. "It's a special treat. You want that special treat don't you?"

Oh god. If she only knew. As I hung there suspended in the vibe of her sweetness, my mom texted back; fine to stay for dinner.

"Well?"

"Yeah, mom says it is okay."

It was the best and the worst at the same exact time. I stayed for dinner and enjoyed the best lasagna in the world. Her mom was an amazing cook. But I could not help but think about the other treat I would love to be tasting that was even better than the lasagna. And that I was wishing for such a snack while sitting at the table with her mom and dad too; her dad my pastor! It was such a collision that I was lucky I didn't pass out right there at the table!

That night I vowed that I had to step up and somehow tell my sweet Bribri about my feelings for her. Even though I knew that I could not do that because if I did it would most likely change our BFF into no more BFF. I was trapped. Desperation began to warp my judgment. I was not thinking straight. But I just could not stand it anymore. I had to do something... say something... hope for anything.

And those seeds were about to germinate. Bribri's question. Mr. Bradley's "F" word. My complete desire for Bribri.