Knowing for Sure Pt. 02

I was back in the office Monday morning with my head still spinning from the weekend.

'Did I really do that? Was that even real?' I kept asking myself.

But my body was reminding me it absolutely was real. I was filled with an energy that seemed to permeate every cell of my being.

'Am I gay? Has this been the source of the internal conflict I've always felt? If this is me, my life is about to get turned upside down.' My mind was racing.

But, there was a sense of clarity taking root that I had never experienced, so I wasn't going to second guess what happened or how I was feeling about it. I decided to go with the flow and see where this relationship with Johnathan could lead. Not press it, just let it unfold.

We hadn't talked or texted since that evening. I wanted to reach out, but felt like an awkward kid trying to decide when to call after a first date. It was nerve wracking to wait, so I made the first move.

I texted, 'Hey! Thanks for the great night Saturday. I enjoyed our time hanging out and getting to know each other. If you're interested, I'd enjoy getting together again soon.'

To my pleasant surprise, he responded quickly, 'Absolutely! I'd love to. I was worried you were having second thoughts after our adventure.'

'I can't say I wasn't a little freaked out on my way home, but I appreciate your patience and willingness to lead the way,' I replied.

'I had a great time, even just hanging out earlier in the evening was really fun. You got any plans this Friday?' he asked.

'Nothing yet,' I answered.

'You want to check out the soccer game? It's a great show, even if you don't like soccer,' he suggested.

'Sounds good, I'm in. Thanks!' I agreed to go to the game.

We left the details for later. My head was foggy the rest of the week at work. It was hard to focus.

Besides the anticipation of the date, I was still deep into reflecting on what was happening in the bigger picture. With every conclusion and realization about myself I seem to reach, the questions seemed to multiply. It was hard to keep my mind from spiraling into endless what-ifs starting with, 'What if I am gay!?'

But, I was getting ahead of myself. It was only once. It was fantastic, eye opening and a soul shaking experience. But it still was only one time. I kept grounding myself: Let it unfold naturally.

As Friday approached, I started to wonder about being out in public on a date with a man. Going to a club was one thing. Being out where I might see people I know was a other thing.

'It was irrational to be concerned,' I assured myself. 'The only people that will know will be the two of us.'

Friday drug on, but the end of the work day finally arrived. I rushed home. I was high on an emotional mix of giddiness and fear.

'What should I wear to a soccer game?' I thought. I wanted to be casual to reflect the setting, but not too casual as to look like I didn't care.

I found that happy balance, at least in my fashion choices. There was no emotional balance anywhere to be found. I was on a roller coaster.

I headed over the Johnathan's place early enough so we could get to the stadium before the game started. As before, he answered the door looking fashionably put together even while being sporty casual. I already envied his style.

He greeted me with a hug, which felt entirely different than any hug with any guy I'd had before. We had a history now. We'd been naked together. So his hug seemed to convey more emotion somehow. I liked that even as it surprised me.

We Ubered to the game to avoid traffic and parking. As we got a beer and settled in, I felt a sense of closeness with Johnathan. We were there together in a way that was more than just guy friends hanging out.

'I am on a date with a man, and we've had sex!' I thought to myself. 'I would have never thought this would happen'

That was an exciting feeling. What made it more exciting was it was our secret. He knew something about me no one else knew, creating a sense of vulnerability unknown to me before.

I recalled how our first date made me feel. And now that feeling was evolving with each interaction. I felt a transformation happening in me that was not unwelcome. I enjoyed wearing it like a fine tailored suit. It seemed to be made for me.

The game was fun. As he had promised, even a non-fan like myself was able to enjoy the show. We had a few beers. Got to know each other. Laughed at each other's jokes and some out of control fanatics in the crowd. I was getting more comfortable with our relationship.

We caught an Uber back to his house. Not only because that's how we got there, but we celebrated the night with a few extra beers. That meant I wasn't driving home from his place right away.

It also made me pliable for any suggestions of how we might finish off our date. Maybe that was his plan. Or maybe it was mine. Either way, it was a plan.

We got back to his house and settled onto the sofa exhausted from the game.

'That was fun,' he said. 'Thanks for going.'

'Yeh! I enjoyed it. Great suggestion. I enjoyed being there with you,' I said.

'I'm glad to hear that. Honestly, I was afraid after how last week ended I wasn't going to hear back from you. I thought maybe you'd be freaked out and never want to see me again,' he said.

'Freaked out? Yes, absolutely I was a little freaked out. That's not anything I ever thought I'd do,' I said. 'I shocked myself.'

'But no regrets?' He asked.

'None. Well, none now. I maybe had flashes of regret on my way home, but those were gone by the next morning,' I said.

'So where does that put us now? Are you still curious? Are you exploring, still?' He probed looking for how to proceed.

'It puts us here after another date. And, yes. I am still exploring. I'm not sure if I could make a tectonic shift in how I see my sexuality based on one experience. But, I'll tell you, the Earth did shake a bit last week.' I laughingly replied while hoping to signal a desire to be with him again.

'Spend the night with me tonight?' He asked.

'I'd love to,' I said. 'But I don't have any pajamas.'

'No need,' he said. 'You'll just have to take them off anyway.'

To feel the desire he had for me at that moment was affirming. He was seeing me as a gay man, and I was beginning to see myself that way, too.

We headed upstairs together. We stood on opposite sides of his bed and began to undress. I watched as he slowly revealed his body to me. There was a tug from deep inside pulling me to know him.

I was so focused on him, I didn't realize I had already removed all of my clothes and was standing naked in front of him. I probably appeared too eager, which I was.

When I noticed I was naked, I also noticed how hard I was. There was no denying my arousal. If I didn't think I was gay, my body was betraying me and telling me otherwise.

'It's time to listen to me body,' I thought to myself.

We both slipped into bed. He guided me onto my back in the middle of the bed. He straddled my thighs. He leaned forward so we were face to face and he let the weight of his body settle onto mine. It felt natural.

Our cocks were snuggly together between us. He slowly moved his hips back and forth, creating a repetitive reminder our cocks were touching.

'What did you like about what we did last week?' He asked.

'I liked it all,' I said.

'I'm going to need more than that. Specifically what did you like - not just the sex. Tell me how you felt. That's how we start to figure out what's going on here.' He said.

It was a raw question I wasn't ready for. That is probably what led to a more candid answer, and the lingering effect of the beers.

'I felt like I could be me with you,' I said after a long pause. My heart was racing. 'It didn't feel forced.'

'You didn't feel like your going through the motions? Like maybe you did with others. ' He asked.

'Yes, maybe that's it. I felt more in tune with myself, you, us.' I said with a sense of growing clarity.

'That's a good sign,' he assured me.

'A good sign of what?' I asked.

'That maybe this is who you really are. Maybe there's a transformation and awakening taking root.' He said.

That comment scared me a little. What did he mean by a transformation? What was awakening? If it is taking root, was this irreversible? That freaking out feeling began rushing through me again.

He kissed me softly, at first, and then more aggressively. I felt myself melt back into the moment. It didn't matter that it was a man. There was no shame, just us being with each other in a way that felt right somehow.

I was being drawn into a deeper understanding of who I might be. I was on a journey and I was willing to follow to Johnathan's lead. There was no turning back and I was okay with that.

He began to move his hips more intentionally back and forth, creating friction between our erect cocks. It was making me delirious. I began to buck in the opposite direction increasing the pleasure.

He sat up, grabbed our cocks together with his hand. He guided my hand to join him. My other hand reached around his ass. We were riding each other, in synch physically and emotionally.

He must have seen my gaze was focused on our cocks.

'You like that?' He asked breathlessly.

'Yes,' I said.

'Tell me what else you like.' He said.

'I like seeing us together, being with you.

'I like seeing my cock rubbing against yours.

'I like feeling your weight on me.

'I like hearing you getting excited.' I said, pausing between each answer, as I took in the moment fully present in my body like never before. Experiencing his body. Seeing it respond in arousal to me.

I felt my orgasm building. I felt the unmistakable approach of the point of no return.

'I'm going to come,' I said.

He leaned forward on top of me. Our bodies still in a synchronized dance bringing us both closer to release.

He kissed me again, deeper, while the friction between us provided all the needed stimulation.

'Then do it,' he said. 'I want to feel you come for me.'

I pulled him close. The feel of our penises rubbing against each other was surreal.

I looked into his eyes. It was as if I was letting him see into my soul.

The intimacy was more than physical. I wanted this man to possess me. I was slowly surrendering to him with each sexual experience, with each moment of intimacy.

My body released the building tension and I felt the warm, uncontrolled flow of semen from my cock in between our bodies.

Then I felt him tense and release, with his warmth spilling and mixing with mine. We continued to thrust slowly feeling our semen between us.

We laid there together, spent.

'I like where this is going,' he said.

'I agree. This is better than I could have imagined.' I said.