What It Could Feel Like

"I think I might be bisexual."

I'm drunk but sobering up when the words spill out. Our friends left twenty minutes ago, but my roommate and I are still on the couch, sipping the dregs of our shitty rum-n-cokes. I'm not sure what I'm expecting as a response.

But James nods. His face is open, kind. "Okay. Why do you think that?"

I sigh. "I mean-- I've never really tried it. I'm not exactly closed off to the idea of being with a guy. Just never have tried it out."

He nods again, takes a sip from his red solo cup.

"And like-- I mean, I think-- I don't know. Just think I might be." I feel my skin getting warm. "I was hoping you'd have, like, gay wisdom or something for me."

James chuckles. "Gay wisdom?"

"I don't know, dude."

"Okay," he says. "I know you. I've lived with you for two years."

"Yeah."

"So tell me what guy caught your eye."

My throat catches. "What?"

"You don't just start thinking you're bi for no reason," James says. He states it like it's a fact. "You start thinking because you meet a guy, you can't stop thinking about him, you can't shake it. Tell me who he is. C'mon, between us."

"Ah." I take a sip of my drink. "I-- no one, really."

"Oh," he says.

I can't meet his eyes.

"It's me, isn't it."

"I never said that," I say slowly.

James chuckles, throws back the last of his drink. "You think about me."

"I--"

"You aren't the first. You don't have to lie." He gives me an easy smile. "I know I'm stunningly fucking attractive."

I sigh. "That's not--"

"You want some gay wisdom?" James sets down his cup. "What do you think about?"

"What?"

"What do you think about?" he says again. "When you're thinking about me, I mean."

"Ah--" I can feel my face turning red. "I don't--"

"C'mon," he says, inching closer to me on the couch. "You can tell me."

I take another sip from my drink. "This stays between us?"

"Of course."

"And it stays, like, not weird between us?"

"Of course, dude."

I sigh. "Your lips."

James doesn't laugh. He just nods, his eyes on mine. "Okay. What about them?"

I'm definitely red now, and I have to look away. I focus on the plastic cups on the table in front of us. Force myself to respond.

"What they'd feel like."

"Where?" he says.

"What?" I chance a look up at James. He's smiling, but in a kind way. A patient way. "Ah-- I mean--"

"On your lips?" he says, and he's looking at them, his eyes darkened slightly. "You think about what that would feel like?"

"Yeah. Sometimes," I manage. I realize how close he is on the couch.

"You want to find out?" he asks.

"James--"

"I'm just saying. Could put this to rest right now."

I swallow. "Okay."

"Okay?" he says, and that smile's back. His eyes tracing over my lips.

"This won't make it weird between us," I say.

"No, dude," James says, leaning in. "Not at all."

His lips touch mine. So softly, slowly, to the extent that I almost forget it's a kiss, that I almost forget I need to kiss him back. Then my lower lip brushes into his mouth, his tongue starts to explore.

Something in my brain begins to dissolve. James keeps the kiss shallow, gentle. The softness of his tongue, gliding against mine, contrasts with the roughness of his stubble. It's new and it's incredible and it feels somehow familiar, too.

He pulls away slowly, sucking my bottom lip for a moment before letting go. When I open my eyes, he's smiling and giving me a knowing look.

"Like you thought it would be?" he asks.

It takes me a second to formulate an answer. "No," I finally say. "Better."

"Better?" James says, and that smile is turning into a grin.

"Yeah," I say, and I close the gap between us.

I kiss him harder this time. James responds in kind, and it occurs to me he was holding back on the first kiss, letting me lead. But now his hand is on the side of my face, thumb on my cheek, pinky trailing onto my neck.

When we break apart this time, we're both breathing hard. Staring at each other.

Finally, James says, "What else?" His voice is raw.

"What?" I say.

"What else do you think about?"

"I-- but--"

"I want to know," he says.

"I--" My face is bright red. "I don't--"

James puts his hand up to my face again, cups it. "I want you to enjoy this, dude. If all you want to do is kiss, that's okay. But I bet you've thought about other stuff, too, and if you want to give it a shot..."

I nod. "I-- yeah. I do."

"Which means you gotta tell me what we're doing," he says. "I don't want to cross a boundary I don't know is there."

I sigh. "Yeah. Okay."

"Don't be embarrassed." James strokes my cheek with his thumb. "Nothing wrong with wanting something."

I close my eyes. Summon the words.

"I-- I want to suck you off."

"Yeah?" he says softly. "You want to suck my cock?"

The word cock throws me off for a second.

"Ye-- Yeah," I stutter. "I want to."

My eyes are still closed, but I feel James leaning closer, the heat of his breath as he puts his mouth to my ear.

"I want you to, too," he murmurs.

I shudder. "Ah-- really?"

"Yeah," he whispers, his hand sliding from my face down to my neck, a warm and steady pressure against the side. "Was thinking about it the whole time we were kissing."

I let out a nervous laugh. "Me too."

"C'mere," James mutters, trailing his lips across my cheek back to my mouth, and he's kissing me hard and needy. His mouth feels absolutely divine. I choke down a groan, and he immediately pulls back, his eyes dark with lust.

"You can moan for me," he says.

"What?"

"It's hot. I like a vocal guy."

"Oh. Okay." I'm blushing again. "I-- I like the way you're talking to me."

James smiles. "How am I talking to you?"

I look away, then back at him, back at his lips. "Like you want me."

"I do want you," he says. "You think I would have offered if I didn't want you?"

"No, it's not that. It's that you're-- I don't know-- you're talking dirty."

"Oh," James says. One of his hands finds its way to the back of my neck, the other on my hip, pushing up my t shirt slightly. "You like that?" he asks.

"Yeah."

He kisses me again, and it's sloppy. He trails wet kisses from my lips along my jawline, eliciting a quiet sound from my throat, until his mouth's back at my ear. His breath warm, his breathing ragged.

I inhale as his thumb brushes my stomach under my t shirt. It's gentle, but absolutely searing.

"Good?" James murmurs in my ear.

"Yeah," I breathe.

"Good." I can hear his smile. "Wanna take this off for me?"

"I-- ah-- yeah."

I lean back and pull my t shirt over my head, James drinking in the sight of me. There's a sort of hunger in his eyes I haven't seen before. Before I can decipher that, though, he's taking his shirt off and kissing me again, his body against mine. He's warm. Firm. Unrelenting.

His hands roam up my body, over my stomach, my chest. It elicits a soft groan from me, right into his mouth. He doesn't break the kiss to smile, but I feel his lips grinning against mine. Then his fingers find my right nipple, tracing a lazy circle, and I shudder.

James breaks the kiss to mutter, "That feel good?"

I can barely think. "Oh my God," I choke out.

He laughs gently. "Sounds like I'm going to keep doing it, then."

One more lingering kiss on the lips and his mouth is trailing down the side of my neck, his fingers softly circling my nipples. I moan, not trying to keep myself quiet this time, and James hums a response into the crook of my neck. He pinches a nipple, making me gasp, then resumes the slow circles.

I'm a wreck.

James shifts against me, lowers his mouth to my collarbone. Slow, sensual, warm kisses down across my chest. His fingers never stop touching my nipples, pulling and circling and stroking.

"God," I manage. "This is--"

"Good?" he says, pausing to look up at me. His eyes are pools of need.

"So good."

He plants another kiss on my chest. "You thought about this, too?"

"Yeah." I stare down at him in awe. "I-- A lot."

James nods. Then he ducks his head, pops a nipple into his mouth, swirls around it with his tongue. I groan with pleasure, my eyes falling shut as he teases me. When he stops, I open my eyes just to find him moving toward the other nipple, sucking and licking. He winks, and my hips buck involuntarily.

He leans back, smiles. "Seems like you want something."

"I--"

"You're going to have to tell me what it is," he murmurs, kissing my nipple. "Because I could worship your chest all night. If you want something else..."

"God--"

"I know you want to suck my cock," James says. "And yeah, I want your hot fucking mouth wrapped around me. Trust me."

It feels like my brain is melting. Like my body's on fire.

"But seems like you want something for yourself, too."

"I-- yeah." I lick my lips. "I do."

"And what is that?" he asks, his voice lilting and sweet. "You gotta tell me."

"Whatever you want to do to me," I say. The words come out of me in a rush. "God, J, I don't know. I want-- whatever you want."

James smiles, straightens up so our faces are close again, so our lips are almost touching. "What do you think I want to do to you?" he asks.

"I don't know," I manage. "But I trust you."

He grabs the back of my neck, steers his lips to brush my ear again. I'm trembling at the warmth of his breath before he even speaks:

"I want to make you feel so fucking good."

I feel like I'm going to explode.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah." He kisses my earlobe. "Take your shorts off. Let me get a good look at you."

I know I'm blushing, but I'm beyond shame now. I obey, shimmying out of my shorts and boxers, my dick springing free between us, rock hard and leaking a little.

James smiles, his eyes tracing over me. "You look so good," he says. One hand wraps around my shaft, delicately stroking. He brushes the tip with his thumb, the wetness pooling under his touch as he strokes me.

I'm panting. "I-- ah--"

"Yeah?" he prompts. His free hand reaches for my nipple, still wet from his kiss, giving it a pinch. "Tell me how it feels."

"Ah-- good."

"You're fucking hot. So hard for me. And you're dripping."

I groan. "Yeah. I-- I am."

James presses kisses down the side of my neck, still stroking me. Still pinching my nipple. Still nearly damn worshipping me.

My eyes flutter shut.

"Such a nice cock," he mutters into my shoulder. "Wish I could lick that pre straight off. Bet you taste fucking incredible."

A strangled sound comes from my throat. "You-- you can."

"I can?" he says.

"Yeah."

"I can what?"

"You can-- ah-- you can suck--"

"I can suck your cock?" James looks up from my shoulder, stares into my eyes. Searching. "That's what you want? You want me to suck your cock?"

I must be bright red in the face. "Yeah," I say quietly.

His grin breaks out again. "So fucking hot."

"What?" I manage.

"How eager you are," he replies. "You're leaking all over and I've barely touched you. Can't wait until you're halfway down my throat."

I groan. "I didn't realize you were going-- going to be such a tease."

"Oh," James says, "I said I want you to enjoy this as much as fucking possible."

He slides down my body, his lips brushing my nipples again and again, then licking his way across my stomach, down and down and down, until his lips are pressed against the skin at the base of my dick, his hand on the shaft. Only then does he pull back, still stroking me slowly, watching the liquid bubbling out the tip with slightly parted lips.

The first lick sends a shudder through my whole body. A jerk of my hips, a guttural moan. But there's more licks to come, his lips slowly wrapping around me, his head lowering as more and more of my length sinks into his warm mouth.

"Oh God," I manage. "That's-- J--"

He hums, his mouth enveloping me. His stubble brushing against my pubic hair. The sensation of his vocal cords vibrating travelling through my whole body.

I can feel the heat building in my gut. I'm groaning, thrusting against his mouth. Feeling his throat stretch around me. My hands find their way down into his hair, pulling him somehow even closer into my body.

"Please, I'm so--" James groans, and I tremble. "I'm-- ah-- I'm gonna--"

It hits hard. Waves of pleasure shooting through my body, shooting into his mouth. I'm holding his head in place, his tongue still working against the underside of my shaft as release flows through me. Only once I'm emptied do I untangle my fingers from his hair.

James pulls off me slowly, leaving a messy trail of spit. "Good?"

"Wh-- What?"

He chuckles. Then he's climbing back up my body, pulling my face into his. I can taste myself on his mouth. Something about it tastes amazing, better than it ever did on any girl's lips, and I kiss him back hungrily, desperately.

When our kiss finally ends, he's grinning. "So I guess that was good."

"That was-- that was incredible."

"You ready to return the favor?" James asks.

I've been ready since his lips first touched mine tonight. "I-- yeah."

"Yeah?" He kisses me again. "You ready to suck my cock?"

I nod.

"Good," he says, lifting his hips to slide his shorts to the floor.

I try not to stare. And I fail, because there's something so incredible about James exposing his whole naked body to me, James being so damn hard for me, James lazily stroking himself for me and saying, "All yours."

I stumble to my knees in front of the couch.

"On your knees, huh?" He reaches out with a free hand, strokes my cheek. "Yeah, I can tell you've thought about this a lot."

My eyes are fixated on him, on the swollen head, the thickness of the shaft. My mouth falls open slightly, my tongue darting over my lips.

"You're almost fucking drooling," he says, and I notice the awe in his voice.

"Sorry," I mutter.

"Don't you dare apologize, it's hot as fuck." James uses his hand to angle himself toward my lips. Inches away. "You want to have a taste?"

That's all it takes. The invitation. I close the gap, wrap my lips around his tip. Let my tongue touch his dick. Taste the saltiness that's gathered there, feel the slipperiness that coats the head. It's new and it's strange and it's hot. Yeah. It's hot.

"Fuck," James groans. "Keep going."

So I do, taking more of him into my mouth, coating him with my spit. I give an experimental stroke with my mouth, feel him slide through my lips, hear him moan.

"Fuck," he says again, and I mumble in response to his moans, bobbing my head up and down, trying to mimic what James did to me minutes before.

"Can I say some dirty fucking stuff to you," he chokes out. "Fuck."

I open my eyes to see him staring at me with unabashed lust. I nod, my mouth still wrapped around his shaft.

"You look so fucking good with my cock in your mouth," he says. "Like you were made for this."

I whimper around him, let my tongue play against his slick skin.

"How the fuck we never did this before is beyond me. Fucking hell." James closes his eyes. "You feel so good. It's insane."

I keep sucking, keep stroking, keep taking him. His hand catches my jaw, strokes my cheek. Then slides back to the nape of my neck, pushing me a little deeper.

"Insane," he says again. "I want to fuck your face like you wouldn't believe."

I hum in agreement.

"You're good with that?" James says, opening his eyes. "You sure?"

I look up at him through my eyelashes. Nod. Watch as his face breaks.

"Then fuck," he mutters, and he thrusts into my mouth. "If you let me use your face like this. Fuck." Another thrust. Pushing against my limits. "If you let me use you like this I'll fucking cum."

I moan, and apparently that's all the permission James needs. His hips buck into my face, pushing his length further and further into my mouth.

I feel it before he tells me. The tensing, the sudden hardness between my lips.

"I'm gonna cum," he says.

I whimper out a response, something filthy, something that's lost because my mouth is absolutely full of him.

"Fuck!" James groans, and he pumps into my mouth.

Salty. Thick. Not unlike mine. I swallow, still full of his length as the liquid slides down my throat.

"C'mere. Right now."

James practically drags me off my knees, pulling my body into his in a tumble of naked sweaty skin. Our lips meet, and it's hot and tender, his mouth thanking mine.

When he breaks the kiss, he says, "That was good?"

"I-- yeah. Yeah. That was good."

We kiss again, deeper, more sensually this time.

Then James eyes me gently. "We can go a couple different ways now."

"Oh." I suddenly feel myself blushing again. "I--"

"No, listen." He strokes my cheek. "We can forget this ever happened if you want. Forget we ever had a conversation about you thinking you might be bi. Forget everything. It'll never be weird between us. I promised you that, dude."

I swallow. "Okay."

"Or," James says slowly, "we can keep going."

The burning feeling in my gut is back. "Yeah?"

"Yeah," he says. "We can do that."