My Birthday Wish Pt. 01

Hello again! I'm back with another story, and this one is, uh... a little bit different from my others, to put it mildly. And as you'll see by the end of the first part, it's obviously not a true story, but it's one that I thought would be fun to write, and hopefully entertaining to read as well!

That being said, this is going to be a four-part series, and like most of my other work on this site, there's a lot of buildup before any actual sex takes place. So I'll tell you right now that if you're someone who wants to get to the good stuff ASAP, then this tale almost certainly isn't for you. In fact, there's basically no sex whatsoever in the first two parts, so if you want to abandon ship before we even get started, I promise I won't be offended. : P

Now for those of you that have read and enjoyed my prior submissions, well first off, I want to say thank you so much! It means the world to me that people enjoy peeking inside my weird, curious mind, and I love being able to share my most intimate thoughts with all of you. But secondly, I'll let you in on a little secret. The last two parts of the series are basically all sex, so if you can make it that far, then hopefully you'll find the four-part trip to be pretty fulfilling. Okay, that's it for now, so let's get started!

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My Birthday Wish * Part 1 of 4

It's so cliche, but birthdays really do become less and less exciting to celebrate the older you get. First off, they're basically an annual reminder that you're a year closer to death, but they're also a brutal reality check that you'll never be as young as you just were, ever again. For me personally, I'm not that bothered by the first part, as for whatever reason I've never had a strong fear of dying. But that second aspect? That's nightmare fuel for me.

You see, while I'm not particularly afraid of dying, I am terrified of the idea of getting old. The slow, constant physical decline is depressing enough in its own right, but it's really the prospect of my mental capabilities disintegrating that gives me the most despair. Not just for me, but for my friends and family who will inevitably be tasked to take care of me in this diminished state. Ugh. There's no way to sugar coat it, getting old just fucking sucks.

But anyway, I'm not here to be a total buzzkill, so let's try to stay positive. Because on a related note, tonight's my birthday!

Well, technically tomorrow is my actual birthday, but tonight I'm meeting up with some friends for dinner to celebrate my birthday, and that's something I haven't done in ages. As a result, I'm genuinely excited to be going out tonight, regardless of how old I'm going to be tomorrow. Spoiler alert, I'm going to be 42.

Anyway, there are four of us meeting up, including me, and we're having dinner at this fancy italian bistro that's within walking distance of my apartment. In fact, I'm almost there, and it looks like my old college friend Claire is getting out of an Uber right now in front of the restaurant. Yep, it is Claire!

Me (excited enough to yell from 40 feet away): "Claire! Hey!"

Claire (spotting me and shrieking): "Eeeeeeekkk!!"

Claire (now running towards me with arms out): "Oh my god! Becca!!!"

So like I said, I went to college with Claire, as she was my freshman year roommate, but I haven't seen her in forever! In fact, I think the last time we hung out was before Covid, but I've been following what's been going on in her life through Facebook and Instagram. But anyway, she's actually the reason we're all getting together tonight. You see, she's in town for work, and when she found out she was going to be here, we initially discussed meeting up. But then she also realized it was my birthday, and so she insisted we make a whole thing out of it. She asked me to text a few of my local friends, and bada bing, bada bang, here we are.

Claire (after giving me a big hug and then stepping back): "Fuck me! Look at you, girl. You are a fucking smoke show!"

Ha. You can see why I like hanging out with her. : P

Claire (continuing with the compliments): "Seriously! You must be catching so much dick now that you're all single and shit."

Okay, okay, I'm flattered, but this is a little over the top.

Me (just happy to see my old friend): "Ha ha, I missed you too, Roommie."

Claire (beaming): "Me too! Shall we go inside? Looks like a nice place."

I'm definitely excited about going in, but I am a little apprehensive about the whole worlds colliding effect with Claire meeting my other two in-town friends, who shall we say, aren't quite as rambunctious as my old college roommate is?

Me (just trying to level set here): "Sure... but just a heads up... my friends Megan and Jen are maybe a little more reserved than the people you might be used to hanging out with."

Claire (appearing to not be offended in the least): "Yeah, sure... understood... you know I hang around boring people too."

And then Claire gives me a huge grin.

Claire (giving me a side hug): "I'm just kidding."

Me (smiling as well): "I know... I just mean, maybe try to tone down the number of comments about catching dick, you know?"

Claire (taking my hand): "Capiche."

Claire (turning to me as we walk into the restaurant together): "I said that because this is an italian place."

Ha. I missed my old friend so much.

And hey, Jen and Megan are here waiting for us!

Okay, so here's the rundown on these other two. Jen is the mom of one of my son's best friends, so we've been close for quite awhile, basically since our boys were in elementary school together. She's married, and her husband is really sweet. She's a little older than I am, as is pretty much every mom of the kids my son went to school with, but I want to say she's 46 or 47 maybe? She's beautiful though, just very pretty and always dressed so nicely. Part of it is I think they're very well off financially, but she's also extremely nice.

Megan is a little bit more of a tragic story. Nothing bad or scandalous, but she's divorced. Ha, like I should talk though. : P

But anyway, she's a mom of another boy my son went to school with, but our sons kind of stopped hanging out at some point during junior high. My son is by no means the super cool kid, but Megan's son can be a little odd, to put it nicely, and so they just kind of grew apart. We've never outwardly discussed it, but I would assume her son is on the spectrum, so to speak, but he seems nice enough, just a little weird.

Megan is definitely the oldest of the four of us here tonight, as she recently turned 50. Like I said, she's divorced and they have two kids. I feel like Megan could be a lot prettier if she wanted to, but it's kind of one of those situations where it seems like she doesn't care to put the effort in. Her clothes are always kind of frumpy, and she has this hairstyle, which is hard to describe. I guess you could say it kind of looks like a helmet? Which obviously is not a good thing. But anyway, I don't want to be too down on her as she's also an incredibly kind and sweet person, and is fun to be around too, which is why we've stayed friends all these years, even if our sons didn't.

Anyhoo, as I alluded to earlier, I am a little worried about how tonight will go with these two mixing with Claire, but I'm sure it'll be fine.

Megan (as she sees us walk in): "Happy Birthday, Becca!"

Me (as I give Megan a hug): "Thanks! So glad you all could make it."

Claire: "Oh Shit. I totally forgot to wish you Happy Birthday! Happy Fucking Birthday!"

Ha. It begins. Claire just cursed twice in about five seconds, and I don't think I've heard either Jen or Megan swear once in the ten plus years I've know them.

Jen (to me): "Oh my gosh, I love your haircut! When did you get that done?"

Me (running my fingers through the right side of my hair): "Oh, a couple of days ago. Thanks. It's not my favorite... normally I've really liked my last few haircuts I've gotten from this girl, but this one I thought was kind of a miss. It's fine though."

Claire (reassuringly): "Oh it's great. You look great."

Claire (then turning to both Jen and Megan): "I'm Claire by the way..."

Oh shit. I totally forgot to introduce them! My bad. I quickly apologize and make the formal introductions. Obviously Jen and Megan already know each other, in fact rather well, but neither one of them has ever met, or even heard me talk much about Claire before.

After we get that out of the way, Claire, who had made the reservation here, checks in and we're promptly escorted to our table, right in the middle of the dining room. As I said before, it's a pretty nice restaurant and despite being just over a half mile from where I live, one I've never been to before.

We all take our seats, and are immediately greeted by our waiter.

Waiter (with a very thick italian accent): "Good evening, ladies. My name is Mario, and I'll be taking care of you tonight."

Wow. The only way Mario could look more italian than he already does is if he was tossing pizza dough into the air right now. Seriously, he looks like he arrived from Italy this morning. He's quite handsome too! He appears to be in his late twenties, is tall and fit, and has a charming five o'clock shadow that makes him look a little bit like a bad boy.

Mario (as he's pouring all of us ice water): "The cocktail menus are on the table, and I'll be back in a few minutes to see if you beautiful ladies would like anything besides water to drink? Mmm, okay?"

And as quickly as he arrived, Mario our waiter departs.

Claire (quietly, but loud enough where the three of us can clearly hear her): "Well, I'd fuck him."

Oh god. Yep, this is what I was afraid of.

Me (quickly to Jen and Megan, but with a joking tone): "I'm sorry about my friend. As you'll come to see, she has no filter."

Everyone seems to laugh, and that puts me a little more at ease with the whole group dynamic.

Jen (with a giggle): "Well, Claire's not wrong!"

Wow. Well that's more than a little surprising to hear come out of sweet, proper Jen. I like it, though!

Claire (after offering Jen a fist pound across the table): "Right on, sister! So, let me get this straight, are you the divorced one or are you the married one?"

Oh geez. As you can see, I had given Claire a little bit of a rundown beforehand just like I did you guys.

Jen: "Oh I'm happily married. I just wanted to back you up."

Ha. Classic Jen how she made sure to insert the word 'happily' in there.

Megan (raising her hand subtly): "I'm the divorced one."

Megan (in a humorous robotic tone): "But I too would enjoy having sexual intercourse with Mario the waiter."

Again, everyone laughs. And isn't this interesting, we're barely a few minutes into the evening and these two women that I swear have never made a sexual comment as long as I've known them, are already both making jokes about banging our waiter.

Now I assume this is somewhat common with people like me, but it's noteworthy how comfortable I still am to this day talking about sex, and men, and pretty much anything remotely gossipy with any of my friends from growing up, like Claire. She and I can basically pick up on a raunchy conversation we had from 20 years ago, as if it was yesterday.

But on the other hand, for whatever reason, it seems like I never talk about anything sex related at all with any of the friends I've made in my so called 'mom life', for lack of a better term. It's like with these current friends, Jen and Megan included, we never, ever talk about that sort of stuff. I think part of it is we always spent so much time dealing with carpools, and camp signups, and all this mundane shit related to raising our kids, that we never had time to delve into anything even remotely scandalous or sexual.

And so when we did gossip, it was always about something related to our kids, like what teachers were the biggest pain in the ass, or what dipshit got suspended for setting off fireworks in the school's bathroom, or some other school related nonsense. Never in a million years would someone talk about some new vibrator they got or if they were frustrated with their sex life at home or anything along those lines. And I don't really know why that is, and I wouldn't even say it's necessarily a bad thing, but it's crystal clear that in regards to all of my current friendships with all of these other moms, sex has always been a taboo subject.

And it's especially apparent tonight with Claire here, who as I alluded to earlier, I would be comfortable talking about literally anything with, and how worried I am that she's going to say a whole bunch of inappropriate things in front of Jen and Megan. But again, maybe I'm overthinking this.

And just as I'm contemplating how awkward tonight is liable to get, I see our sexy waiter Mario heading back over to our table.

Mario (again with the thick, thick, accent): "Okay ladies, have we decided on any drinks?"

No one immediately answers, as I think only Megan has even looked at the cocktail menu.

Mario (gesturing to an older gentleman a few tables over): "If you have any questions about the wine, I'd be happy to have Antonio stop by. He's our Sommelier."

Claire (with a very flirty tone): "Oh Mario. Don't try to pass us off onto Antonio. You're the only one we want!"

Megan (before Mario even has time to react to Claire's comment): "How is the tiramisu martini? It sounds delicious."

Mario (responding to Megan): "Ahh, it is very excellent. It is our most popular drink. It is a... a little... shall we say strong, though?"

Megan: "Well that sounds good to me. I'm sold!"

Jen (after Mario looks in her direction): "Make that two, please."

Claire (who's next in order): "Mario, you had me at strong."

Me (while holding up four fingers): "Make it quattro!"

Mario (after putting his hands together almost like a praying position): "Very good."

And then off he goes.

Claire (calling me out): "Isn't cuatro spanish, not italian?"

Megan: "It's both, or at the very least the words are very similar. Either way, Becca's accent was no bueno."

We all laugh. I have to say, everything's going quite smoothly so far. And if everyone's getting along this well already, It should be even more fun once we have some drinks!

Jen (to me): "So where's Sarah? I would've assumed she'd be here tonight."

That's another friend of ours who also had a son in the same year of school as the three of us.

Me: "Yeah, she couldn't make it. She has a colonoscopy tomorrow I guess? She said she can't eat or drink anything all day today, so I'm sure joining us here would've been torture."

Megan (wincing): "Oooh. Brutal. I've had two so far, and yeah... they are not fun, especially the day before."

Claire (who like me hasn't quite reached colonoscopy age yet): "What exactly is a colonoscopy? That's where they stick a camera up your butt, right?"

Megan: "Yeah, and that part isn't even that bad. But the fact that you're starving and have to drink this gross, slippery liquid the night before to make you poop, that's the worst."

Jen (who I remember went through one a couple of years ago): "Yeah, the procedure itself isn't a big deal, as they just put you under."

Me (that reminds me): "Oh speaking of procedures, Jen, how was your sister's whole knee operation? She had that done, right?"

Jen: "Yeah, it was a couple of weeks ago. She's doing okay. It all went fine, but I guess it sounds like it's only a matter of time until they'll have to do the other knee as well?"

Megan (showing sympathy): "Geez, that sucks. She just can't catch a break, can she?"

Claire (obviously not knowing any of Jen's sister's backstory): "Why? What else happened to her?"

Me (realizing this whole conversation is quickly turning into one giant Debbie Downer, but figuring I should at least answer the question): "Her husband died last year... from Alzheimer's."

Claire gives me a total what-the-fuck look, I'm guessing from the mention of someone we know dying from Alzheimer's.

Me (clarifying): "It was super early onset, and he was a bit older as well."

And yeah, if you're wondering where my fear of losing my mind as I get older came from, seeing firsthand what my friend's sister went through with her husband was definitely a big contributor.

Claire (shaking her head back and forth): "Colonoscopies? Knee replacement surgeries?? Spouses dying from fucking dementia?!? Who the fuck are we, The Golden Girls? Can we please change the subject??"

Ha. Claire's not wrong. But on the other hand, there's no denying the fact that we're already old as shit, and only getting older. Fuck.

But no matter how depressing this is, Claire's right that tonight's not the night to be dwelling on such morbid topics.

Me (to Claire): "Okay, Okay... I'm sorry for bringing all that up. Would you rather talk some more about..."

Claire (interrupting me, and speaking just loud enough that Mario might hear her): "Speak of the devil, here's our italian stallion himself!"

As our handsome waiter arrives, Mario gives off no outwardly indication that he heard Claire's nickname for him. But what he does do, is serve us our four tiramisu martinis. We all toast, take our first sips, and I have to say Mario was correct, because the drink is really quite delicious!

Me (reiterating to Claire, after Mario leaves): "Okay, so I agree, enough depressing old person talk. So what would you like to discuss, Claire?"

Claire (to Megan): "Meg, so you're single right? How's your sex life these days?"

Ha. I can't believe she asked her that, not to mention she called her Meg, which no one does as far as I'm aware.

Megan (chuckles): "Well, I haven't had a period in four months, so I'm officially in menopause. Should we discuss that?"

Ha. That is both hilarious timing and super depressing, all rolled into one.

Claire (quite loudly): "Goddamnit!"

Jen (perking up excitedly): "Oooh. My doctor says I'm in perimenopause right now! So I'm right behind you."

Claire (looking despondent): "No! No. None of this is what we should be talking about."

Megan (while chuckling): "I'm kidding, I'm kidding."

We all break out in laughter again, well at least everyone except Claire, but then all four of us take another sip of our martinis.

Megan (clarifying): "Well I'm not kidding about the fact that I am going through all of that, but we definitely don't need to discuss it right now. But anyway... to answer your question, not very exciting. Yeah, my sex life is pretty non-existent these days. Sorry."

Claire (being a good sport about it all and clearly not trying to make Megan feel bad): "Oh no, no, don't apologize. Sorry I had such a strong reaction, I was just asking in order to change the subject here, which obviously I failed at doing... no worries."

Claire (then turning to look at me): "What about you, Becca? Who are you fucking these days?"

Ha. It's hilarious how differently she phrased basically the same question to me and Megan. And while I think it's safe to say my sex life is considerably more active than my 50-year-old menopausal friend's across the table, I honestly don't want to go into great detail about it. As I've said before, while I'd be fine discussing these sorts of carnal exploits with Claire, it would just be weird with Jen and Megan here. Not to mention I'd worry about potentially making Megan feel bad if she's not currently dating much, if at all.

Me: "Oh I've had my ups and downs. It's definitely not as glamorous as one might think."

Claire (looking skeptical): "Hmmm... I'm not sure I believe you. But you know what you should do? You should fuck Mario."

Ha. Projecting much, Claire?

Jen (blurting out): "But he has a wedding ring on!"

That's hilarious. I hadn't even noticed, but I also hadn't thought to look.

Claire (with a super excited look on her face): "Jen! You dog! You're the married one, right? And you were checking ring fingers?!?"

Jen (turning bright red all of the sudden): "I was just... I just happen to notice things. That's all. I swear!"

The other three of us laugh. And more drinks are had, and to be honest, I'm working my way through my tiramisu martini pretty damn quickly.

Me (figuring I should try a throw Jen a life preserver and redirect the conversation): "Well, maybe Mario has a younger brother or something, who isn't married?"

Claire (now turning her smirk to me): "Younger? Really, Becca? The dude's like 26, and you're thinking he's too old for you? Ha! Is there something you want to share with the rest of us?"

Ha. Fuck. I've definitely said too much!

Me (on damage control): "Or older. Whatever. I didn't mean anything by that. And there's no way he's only 26. He's probably at least 30!"

I'd be shocked if he's actually 30 though, I'm just pathetically saying anything to try and cover for my Freudian Slip.

Ah oh by the way, for those of you who haven't followed my other stories, I should probably explain here that over the last few years, since I left my ex-husband, I've developed an appreciation, or even a preference for, shall we say, younger men?

Claire (clearly having a great time with this): "Ha, look at you sweat. I'm just fucking with you. Relax."

I know I said earlier that I'd be comfortable talking to Claire about pretty much anything, but that's obviously an exaggeration. If giving the choice, I'd probably prefer to not come totally clean about this new found obsession of mine for barely legal boys, even to Claire. And while it would be interesting to have a friend to talk about it openly with, I just don't think I can do it. And on top of that, there's no way in hell I would ever admit to something like that in front of Jen and Megan, considering their sons are right around that age!

Shit. I should've explained that the whole reason I said younger was because then he'd be less likely to be married, like Mario apparently is. That would've been a legitimate explanation!

Well fuck, that ship has sailed, but anyway, right on cue, here comes the man of the hour back to our table to check in on us.

Mario (again with that sexy accent): "How're your martinis, ladies?"

Jen (cheerfully): "Amazing! Just as advertised."

Mario: "Excellent. Now, would you have interest in ordering any food yet?"

Claire (with a hand gesturing to Mario): "Uh, possibly, but uh quick question here."

Hmm. What exactly is she going to ask him?

Claire (as Mario nods awaiting her question that I'm honestly a little worried about): "Do you... have a brother by chance?"

Mario smirks. And all things considered, that wasn't as bad an inquiry as I had feared.

Mario (with a smile now): "Ah yes, of course you would ask that."

Huh? What is he getting at?

Mario: "I do have a brother, but to answer your second question..."

I'm so confused. What second question?

Mario (now with a huge grin): "Ah No. His name is not Luigi."

Oh ha. That's hilarious. I hadn't even thought of the whole Super Mario Bros angle, but in hindsight it's pretty obvious why he would've jumped to that conclusion. Ha. Jumped. Boing! Boing! You get it? : P

Anyhoo, back to Claire and Super Mario.

Claire (who clearly also hadn't realized the Mario Bros connection): "Oh fuck me! That's a good one Mario. I swear I wasn't even thinking about whether he was named Luigi though."

Mario (with a faux look of admonition): "Such a pretty lady to have such a not so pretty language! I'm not sure I can handle that."

Claire (turning saucy now): "Oh I think you're a big enough boy to handle the mouth on me."

Hey-O. That's clearly a blow job insinuating double entendre. And I feel like at this point I should probably mention that despite all of her flirtatious remarks, Claire is in fact married. But I will say that I'm pretty confident that these suggestive comments of hers are simply a byproduct of Claire's personality, and not a legitimate attempt to actually hit on this man. Also, Claire and her husband Scott have a son and daughter together, although their kids are quite a bit younger than everyone else's here at the table.

Mario (after laughing off Claire's inappropriate comment as if he gets them all the time): "Very good now. How about some food? Have you ladies looked at the menu?"

We decide to order a number of dishes, mostly appetizers, for all of us to share. We get some bruschetta, the fried calamari, a salad with candied pecans, a caprese dish, and the veal meatballs which are supposedly the restaurant's specialty. Claire also convinces us to order a bottle of pinot noir for the table, as most of us have already made a pretty big dent in our martinis.

Mario does that thing where he takes our order without writing any of it down, and then is off to relay it to the kitchen.

Claire (turning to me with a serious look on her face): "So for real... you should totally fuck Mario."

Okay, easy there. Settle down.

Jen (before I can even respond): "Again Claire, he's married!"

Claire (scoffing): "Oh please..."

Claire (now raising her tiramisu martini with only a few sips left): "Everyone who's ever cheated on her husband, take a drink!"

Jen, Megan, and I are all kind of frozen in place, and then Claire proceeds to down what was left of her martini.

I'm not going to lie, I feel a little weird. I mean, I literally just said how I didn't think she's the type to actually cheat on her husband, and then she goes and basically admits that she does??

Knowing Claire and how much she travels for work, not that that's any sort of excuse, but maybe I should've seen this coming? Again, I certainly don't feel great about this revelation, but she is my friend, first and foremost. I don't really know her husband that well either, as I've only met Scott a handful of times, so maybe there's more to the story?

But regardless, it's still hard to not feel a little down about whatever is apparently going on with them, especially since there are kids involved! It's also kind of unsettling how cavalier she just was in admitting it, not to mention the fact she shared it with two people she literally just met! Oh well. It's just another depressing example of how complicated everything seems to become as we get older.

Anyway, after placing her empty glass back down, Claire starts looking around at the three of us, clearly hoping at least one of us will also take a drink.

Megan (breaking the awkward silence): "My ex-husband cheated on me. Can I take a drink for that?"

Claire (seemingly trying to save face a little after no one else was admitting to adultery): "Sure! That definitely deserves a drink!"

Jen (while Megan takes a sip of her only half-finished martini): "I cheated on a boyfriend in high school. Does that count?"

Okay, this is helping to lighten the mood, at least for me. I don't know why, but for some reason Jen's confession really makes me laugh. I think it's because she's always so proper, and while I'd assume she'd never, ever cheat on her husband now, she's probably the type that is still consumed with guilt for whatever minor high school drama she's referring to here.

Claire (perking up at this revelation): "Ooooohhh. Do tell."

Jen: "Well... this one time... I was at a park with this boy Tommy DiLuca, and we ended up making out in the dugout of a baseball field that was there."

Claire (intrigued): "Nice. And then what??"

Jen: "And yeah, and so at the time I had a boyfriend, and so I felt horrible about it."

Claire (looking a little confused): "So wait, did you fuck this Tommy boy in the dugout there? Or did you just give him a bj or what?"

Jen (so innocently): "Oh no, nothing like that. We just made out. But like I said, I had a boyfriend. Different from Tommy."

Ha. I can tell from the look on Claire's face that she is severely disappointed in the amount of scandal in Jen's admission. This is too funny. And like I alluded to before, Jen's story just reiterates how much simpler everything was when we were younger. You know, like back when kissing some boy in a dugout seemed like such a huge deal? It's so benign in comparison to how ridiculously fucking messy grown up drama can be, like when people are going through a nasty divorce with kids involved.

Claire (with more than a hint of sarcasm): "Oh okay... yeah I could see how heavily that must've weighed on you."

After giving me a side eye, Claire then turns away and kind of looks around the restaurant, I'm guessing trying to see where Mario and our bottle of wine is. And while there's no sign of our waiter, Claire's attention turns to her phone, as it starts to ring.

Claire (after pulling her iPhone out to look at who's calling): "Oh sorry, I have to take this... but it'll be real quick."

Claire proceeds to answer a FaceTime call and we can see it's one of her kids on the other end.

Claire (speaking quietly into the screen of her phone): "Hey munchkin! You all ready for bed? Uh huh... yeah... Mommy's out with her friends! Yeah, and is your brother all ready for bed too? Great! Okay... well I love you! And I'll see you the day after tomorrow! I'll be home real soon."

The three of us are all watching Claire say goodnight to her children, and while I've mentioned numerous times that our kids are much older now, I'm sure I can speak for both Jen and Megan when I say that we all remember those days well.

Claire (now speaking to her husband Scott): "Everything all good there? Okay... yeah... thanks. Yeah, I'm not sure how late we'll be, so I'll probably just talk to you in the morning. Love you..."

And then I swear Scott is in the middle of asking her a question, like more than just saying 'I love you too', and Claire just abruptly hangs up the FaceTime on him. That seemed kind of rude?

Claire (while putting her phone away): "Sorry about that."

Megan: "Oh no problem. Your daughter sounded adorable."

Claire (ignoring Megan's comment): "Scott was probably spying on me again and heard my comment about me cheating on him, ha. I'm sure that's why he called."

Huh? What the fuck does that even mean? When was he spying on you the first time? Ugh, obviously that was a joke from Claire, but this is kind of depressing. Jen and Megan seem to agree as they both give off a little uncomfortable laugh.

Thankfully, the tension is broken by Mario finally appearing with our bottle of wine.

Claire was the one who ordered it, so he first pours her a tiny amount to taste. After she approves, Mario then places the remaining three wine glasses on the table and starts to fill them. When he gets to Megan though, she requests just a splash as she mentions that she has to drive home, so she probably won't be drinking as much.

Mario obliges and then lets us know that our food should be out shortly, and then heads back towards the kitchen.

Jen (after finishing the last of her martini and picking up her wine glass): "Cheers again, ladies!"

Well, despite any fear of my worlds colliding and Claire's adulterous admissions, at least everyone seems to be having a good time tonight!

We all clink our glasses and take a sip.

Claire (with a total non-sequitur to Jen and Megan): "You guys know that for all of freshman year, I thought Becca was a lesbo?"

Jesus Fucking Christ. Really Claire? This is the next topic you want to discuss? And you couldn't have just said gay, but you had to say 'lesbo'?

I'm sure you guys will see, but this is all so dumb. This is all because I was basically a prude when I was younger.

Me (trying to get out in front of my friend's telling of this story): "Yeah, yeah, yeah... I was super shy and scared to death to flirt with boys and so Claire assumed that meant I was gay. Obviously, I was not."

Claire (a little defensive): "Yeah, it was more than that, though. Guys would hit on you hardcore... all the time... and you'd always come up with these ridiculous excuses as to why you weren't interested."

Jen (showing sympathy): "Aw, that's kind of sweet, picturing you all innocent."

Claire: "You remember that one boy on our hall? The tall one? He was super hot! And totally into you. And I remember you specifically saying that you couldn't get past his name, of all things. And I can't even remember what his name was!"

Megan (curiously): "Wait... what was his name? Why was it so bad?"

Me (knowing exactly who Claire is referring to): "His name was Lester. And I still stand by that, because Lester is an objectively horrible name!"

I laugh, as does everyone else. And we all have some more wine.

Claire: "But you see... that's ridiculous."

Claire (speaking directly to Jen and Megan now): "You can see why I would've assumed she was gay, right?"

Well at least she's moved on from the term 'lesbo'. But all joking aside, there's no doubt that my shyness and total lack of sexual activity during my teenaged years is one of, if not my greatest regret in life. I would give anything to have a do-over, because I know this sounds boastful, but I really was quite attractive back then! Boys did give me plenty of attention, and I actually did have a strong internal desire to explore my sexuality with them, but for whatever reason, I just couldn't do it. Every advance I received, I instinctively brushed off, ignored, or even downright ran from. God, I was such a fucking idiot.

Jen (to Claire): "So when did you finally realize that she wasn't into girls?"

Claire: "Honestly? I didn't know for sure until junior year when she was just like, 'surprise! I got married!' and it was to a guy."

Megan (chuckles): "Oh yeah, you did get married really young, didn't you?"

Yeah, I'm not sure I'm a huge fan of us rehashing all of my life's greatest mistakes. This is supposed to be us celebrating my birthday, right? : P

Me: "Yeah, yeah... in hindsight, not my best decision."

Now obviously, given what I've mentioned before about my ex-husband Greg, and how we never, ever, should've ended up together in the first place, clearly marrying him was a mistake. But knowing what I do now, about life and how people mature, I think I can safely say that even if Greg had been my one true soulmate, it still would've been a mistake to marry him. At least at that point in time. I was simply too young, and in no position to commit to anyone, at that point in my personal development, both sexually and non-sexually. So yeah, as I just said, it clearly was not my best decision.

Megan (pointing out the one true silver lining to my failed marriage): "Well, you did get one amazing thing out of it, and I'm sure you wouldn't trade him for anything."

She's referring of course to my son, and that's very sweet of her to say. And doubly so, given what I alluded to earlier, that her own son has had his share of difficulties.

Jen (raising her glass yet again, and wow I never realized how much she loves to toast): "To our children! And to all the highs and lows they may bring us."

Another clink. Another sip for all. In fact, Claire's wine is getting a little low so she refills her own and then tops off Jen and my glasses as well. Aside from our repeated toasting, it seems like Megan has basically stopped drinking, which is obviously totally fine given that she has to drive home.

And just as I was thinking about how hungry I was starting to get, our food is brought out and placed in the middle of the table for all to share. What perfect timing. And it all looks so delicious, too!

We slowly make our way through the various dishes, but halfway through when Mario comes by to check in on us, Claire orders a second bottle of wine. To be honest, it seems a little aggressive, but not completely ridiculous as our first bottle was basically finished.

When he comes back to open the second bottle, Claire seems overly eager to reengage Mario in conversation. In fact, I'm beginning to wonder if she's still just joking around, or if she's crossed the line into actually flirting with a purpose now, if you know what I mean.

Claire (while Mario is refilling our glasses from the new bottle): "So Mario... does your little Princess Peach waiting back at the castle mind you flirting with women like us while you're working?"

Ha. Bonus points for the Mario Bros references, but in Mario's defense I would have to say he's been pretty well behaved tonight.

Mario (looking down at his left ring finger in reference to his being married): "Ah yes... I think my wife is okay with my job."

Mario (with a little grin right at Claire): "She's okay as long as I bring home the big tips, yes?"

Interesting. I'm not sure if that was his way of flirting back, or if he was simply guilting us into more gratuity, ha. I'm not going to lie, I'm in way over my head here when it comes to how married people flirt and cheat and that whole world of infidelity. I've always assumed there's some sort of hidden language and speaking in code that cheating spouses would use to feel each other out, but I have no idea how it actually works.

Claire (nodding and smiling now): "Okay, okay. That's good to know."

You see? Is that Claire's way of confirming to Mario that it's on and she's DTF? Ha, do people still use DTF?

I look over at Jen and Megan and they give me a look back that implies we're all on the same page here, in that none of us knows exactly what's going on, but we think something might be going on.

Jen (clearly trying to change the subject as Mario walks away again): "Look at those two over there. They're adorable!"

Jen subtly gestures to a pair of teenagers sitting a couple of tables over that look like they're on their first ever formal date. They have to be in high school, but they look like they're on the older side of high school age, and Jen's right, they're absolutely adorable.

The boy has on a solid dark gray button down with a silver tie, and the girl has on a cute summer dress with a goddamn bow in her hair! She's also wearing a fair amount of makeup, but it's looks great on her, not overly done up or anything.

Megan (with a hint of baby talk): "Awwww, look at them! They're so precious."

Jen (speaking quietly now as if we're gossiping): "Oh my god, look at the way she's looking at him! She is totally infatuated and hanging on every word he says."

Claire (rather crudely): "You think he planned ahead enough to pack rubbers or is he just gonna end up rawdogging her tonight?"

Me (starting to get annoyed): "The fuck, Claire? Can you just tone it down for like a second even?!?"

Claire (seeming legitimately contrite): "Okay, okay... sorry. I'm not trying to be so cynical on purpose... it just comes out. Sorry."

Megan (taking it all in stride at this point): "It's okay. We're not offended. And he looks like the type that definitely has condoms. Probably ones his older brother gave him years ago and now he's finally getting the chance to use them!"

We all laugh.

To be honest though, I'm kind of a hypocrite. Here I am ripping on Claire for mentioning the two of them rawdogging, and as I look at these teenagers, I can't help but think about how amazing it would be to get to watch them fuck. They're young, attractive, and both clearly into each other. What could be better than seeing these two explore each other's naked bodies while getting to orgasm with another person for the very first time? And more to Claire's point, ideally without any condoms involved. : P

Okay, I'm getting way ahead of myself here, as who knows if they're even virgins or if they'll ever end up having sex with one another. But I'll tell you one thing, this is just yet another reminder about of how badly I wasted my own youth. Because you know what would be even better than getting to watch them fuck? Getting to be one of them while they fuck!

Goddamnit! It's so true. I totally fucking wasted my teenage years. That should've been me. I should've been the girl at that table.

And just as I'm content to sit here and wallow in my own self-pity, I see Mario is back, and apparently he's brought us shots. The fuck? Did Claire order these??

Mario (as he places the four shot glasses down in front of us): "Compliments of the house. This is limoncello. Do you know?"

Claire (excitedly): "Fuck yeah, Mario."

Jen (to Claire): "Did you tell them it was Becca's birthday?"

Mario (to me, as apparently he knows our names well enough at this point): "It is your birthday?"

Me (realizing I think I'm getting kind of drunk, even before taking this shot): "Yeah, I'm finally 21! I'm so excited."

Mario (laughing at my joke): "I would believe you're 31. But not 21."

Ha. How smooth of him.

Mario (continuing): "But I didn't know. These drinks are not birthday drinks, but I'll be out shortly with a birthday dessert. Okay?"

Megan (to Mario): "You are too kind. But I don't need mine, since I have to drive home. Will you have my shot instead, with the other ladies?"

Mario (looking at all of us): "You are so generous, but we have a strict rule of no drinking on this job."

Mario (after a slight pause): "So yes, I can take your drink with you, but only if you have a new job for me to start tomorrow. Okay?"

We laugh, and then Mario gives us all a big smile, but clearly he was being serious about not being able to take the shot.

Claire (to Mario): "Does it have to be a waitering job, or can I pay you to do other things to me... er... for me?"

This comment clearly catches Mario off guard as he was about to respond immediately but then stops to recompose himself while stifling a bit of laughter.

Mario (speaking to Claire as if she's the only one at the table): "Yes. It would have to be a job for waiters. But some tasks I don't need payment for at all. They would be my pleasure."

Oh shit. That's not any sort of coded language. That's pretty fucking crystal clear.

And then Mario starts clearing our dinner plates before leaving us with our four shots of limoncello.

Jen (to Claire after Mario departs): "I can't believe he's hitting on you like that!"

Claire (shrugging her shoulders): "I can. But more importantly... Becca, you're the birthday girl, so you're taking that extra shot."

Fuck. I don't even want one shot, let alone two. But I down them anyway. And as I finish the second of the two lemony shooters, I can't help but fixate my gaze on that adorable teenage couple just two tables over. Fuck, I'm still so jealous.

What the fuck? Woah that's a huge sparkler. Here's Mario again but this time he's placing a square piece of cake down in front of me and it's got an enormous candle in it that is shooting legit sparks two feet into the air.

Mario: "For the birthday girl. On her 21st birthday. Enjoy the tiramisu in its traditional form."

I think that was a reference to the tiramisu drinks we had earlier? And he does know I'm not actually 21, right?

Jen (while the others clap): "Make a wish! Make a wish!"

Fuck, I'm drunk. I really didn't need those shots. Is this sparkler going to burn this whole fucking restaurant to the ground? It's intense.

Megan (while there's still so much commotion): "Make your wish!"

Ugh. Birthday wishes are stupid. They never come true. But fine, I'll make a wish. Although, do I even blow this fucking fire cracker of a candle out? It doesn't seem like I'd be able to.

But anyway, I know what I want to wish for. I want to be able to be young again. Even if it's just for a day. I want to be just like that girl in the sundress with a goddamn motherfucking bow in her hair. Is that too much to ask? I assume so, since even minor birthday wishes never seem to come to true.

Pop!

The sparkler goes out on its own, and it turns into a small thin trail of dark smoke that smells like burnt matches. That was weird. I guess I didn't need to blow it out after all?

Holy shit am I drunk.

The cake is pretty good. At least I think it is. All I know is I need to pee.

Where's the bathroom? Oh here it is. A waiter who isn't Mario helps me find it. Ha. I wonder if I should call him Luigi? That would be hilarious.

Ah I feel so much better now that I'm peeing. And wow, this bathroom is quite fancy!

Okay, I made it back to our table, and my friends are all still here. Wait, did I even wash my hands? Who cares.

Megan (talking to Jen and Claire): "Nah, we should definitely split it. Three ways. Here, let me get my card."

Jen (as she pulls out my chair for me): "Becca, you doing okay? You wanna have a seat?"

Wow, look at those two teenagers on that date of theirs. They're totally going to fuck tonight. Megan was right, or was it Jen? But look at her, she's so into him. She probably even wants to blow him. Yeah, she's definitely going to suck him off. I wonder if he'll go down on her though?

It's such bullshit how guys just assume girls are going to give them blow jobs. It's like expected of us. But if a guy actually wants to lick a girl's pussy? Then we need to throw that dude a fucking parade, am I right? Ugh. Double standards are so fucking ridiculous sometimes.

And even if little tie-boy over there does want to go down on her, who knows if he'll actually be any good. In fact, I would bet anything that he sucks at it. He's too good looking. He has no need to know how to eat pussy, because at this age I'm sure girls will fuck him regardless.

Maybe one day, when he's older, balding, and slightly overweight, then he'll actually have to learn how to do it. Probably out of necessity, ha. Although, I think guys as they mature actually like licking pussy more. I don't know why, but maybe it's like an acquired taste for them? Ha.

Yeah, that's what bow girl should do. Find a desperate, old divorced guy who's dying to go down on her. I mean, a cute little thing like her? I'm sure she'd have no problem finding a man in his mid-forties who would just go to town on her tiny, teenaged vagina. He'd eat that pussy for days on end. No blow job required I bet, either.

Jen (whispering to me with her hand on my shoulder): "Becca, you okay? You're staring a little too much at those kids over there. They're looking at us and I think you're creeping them out."

Fuck. That's not good.

Claire (to Megan and Jen I think): "Seriously guys, I'm good. I got it. I can just expense it... no big deal."

Megan: "It's like almost $300 though??"

Claire: "It's cool. The guy who approves all of our expenses wants to fuck me, so I can get him to sign off on anything."

Wow, Claire sure talks about fucking guys a lot!

I guess we're all getting up now?

Jen (to Megan): "Are you good to drop Becca off on your way home? I don't think she should walk."

Megan (to Claire as we're now heading out of the restaurant): "Well thanks so much for dinner. It was so nice! And it was great meeting you, too."

Claire: "Yeah of course! My pleasure on both. Oh shit, you guys go on ahead, but it was so great meeting you two."

Where's Claire going?

Jen (as confused as I am): "Is she going back to talk to Mario?"

Megan: "Yeah, she said something about a copy of the bill? Beats me."

Jen (talking to Megan as if I'm not here): "You don't think... that she would... that's she's gonna..."

Me (loudly, because god I'm so drunk): "Fuck our waiter?!? I'd say so!"

Jen (seeming annoyed at me): "Shhhh... no need to announce it to everybody, Becca."

Me (a little more quietly): "Everybody's getting laid tonight!"

Megan (taking ahold of my shoulder): "Okay birthday girl, let's get you home."

Here's Megan's car! I was in this car once years ago. It's a nice car!

Jen (as she's walking away): "Happy birthday again, Becca!"

Me (not sure where Jen is anymore): "Thanks!"

Okay, we're moving now. Megan's such a good driver. Although I think I need to put the window down. It's not working though?

Megan (as the passenger side window starts to descend): "Here you go, is that what you were looking for?"

Me (feeling the cool breeze on my face): "Aaaaaahhhhh. So nice!"

Megan (as we're no longer moving): "Okay, here you are. Becca, do you need me to walk you upstairs?"

Oh, it's my place. I miss my old house. The one that I used to live in before I left that boring, old, asexual ball and chain of mine. God, Greg was so lame. Why didn't he ever want to fuck me??

Me (as I drop my keys on the sidewalk): "I'm good!"

I finally get inside and when I turn back I see Megan driving away. I hope she had a good time tonight! She really needs to get laid, though. Perhaps more than anyone else I know. Although I could use some dick, too. You know who doesn't need to get laid? Claire. It seems like she's having more sex than she should be already.

Here's my bed! I'll brush my teeth in a second, but I just need to lay down first. Let me get my clothes off, though. Okay, that's much better. Ahhhh, my pillow feels so nice!

Ugh. Is that sunlight? What fucking time is it? Holy shit do I need to pee. I've never had to piss this badly in my life! And my mouth is dry as fuck. And oh my god, my head is killing me!

When did I get home last night? How did I get home? Fuck, what time is it? Shit, my phone's almost dead. I need to charge it. It's 6:51? Fuck. I feel like shit. First thing's first though, I really need to pee.

As I slide my right leg off my bed and place it onto my carpeted bedroom floor, I steady myself just enough to make sure I don't fall over. And while I manage to stand up successfully, I can't help but notice that I'm practically naked. I can see that I hastily removed all of my clothes last night, as they're scattered across my bedroom floor. Although, I guess I shouldn't say all my clothes, as I still have a thong on at least.

Regardless, I stumble my way towards my bathroom that has never felt so far away. But as I push open my bathroom door, still wearing just my undies, I'm greeted by something that is borderline inexplicable. Like seriously, I don't even know where to begin.

Fuck, I have to piss so badly though and since this thing isn't blocking the toilet, I'm going to sit down and relieve myself before explaining just what the fuck this is. Ahhhhhhh, this feels so much better.

Okay, get this. There's a giant motherfucking contraption sitting in the middle of my bathroom. It's like as tall as my ceiling, and I don't really know how else to explain it, other than it looks like some futuristic phone booth or something. But like a really classy one as if it was designed by Apple, or Tiffany or some other high end company like that.

What the fuck is this and who the fuck put it in here?!? Was it here last night when I came home? Speaking of which, did I even go to the bathroom before I went to bed?? I have zero recollection of anything.

Okay, I'm done peeing, and after giving myself a quick wipe, I pull my underwear back up so I can take a closer look at just what exactly this goddamn thing is. Fuck, my head is killing me, though. Although who knows how much of that is from me being hungover and how much is from my brain trying to process what the fuck I'm looking at right now. Wait, am I dreaming all of this?!? Nah, I'm pretty sure I'm not, because I wouldn't feel so terrible if I was.

Holy shit, there's a note on the side of my tub. It's folded over and propped up, and it says Becca on the side that's facing me. Okay, this is starting to get fucking creepy. Who the fuck put this here?

I open the note up, and it has the most beautiful handwritten calligraphy on the inside. The writing looks like something you would expect to see on a fancy wedding invitation or some shit, like with all the extra curls and curvy lines coming off the various letters.

But anyway, on the inside, the note simply says in its super elaborate script, 'your birthday wish has been granted'.

What the fuck? Oh yeah, I hadn't even thought about the fact that it's officially my birthday now. But my birthday wish? What the fuck does that mean?!?

Oh shit. Did I make a birthday wish at dinner last night? When they gave me that slice of tiramisu with that Roman candle in it?? I did, didn't I.

What did I wish for though? I remember I was looking at those two teenage love birds while I did it. Ha, did I wish that I wanted to watch them fuck or something? Way to go, Becca, super classy. But seriously, I don't think I actually wished for that. Did I wish that I wanted to be the girl in that relationship? The one who had the bow in her hair?? Like I wanted to be her? That's not it either. At least I don't think it is.

Oh fuck. Now I remember! I just wished that I could be young again. Like those teenagers. Not actually be those teenagers. That's it! But what the fuck does that mean? What does that have to do with this ridiculous phone booth sitting in my goddamn bathroom?? I guess there's only one way to find out.

I place the handwritten note down onto my vanity, and I gingerly take a peek inside the contraption. It has a folding door on the front of it, just like a phone booth or even an airplane bathroom would have, but it's much, much nicer. I can tell because as I slide the door open, it glides so smoothly, but there's a substantial weight to the door, and the whole device seems really sturdy and polished. It makes me wonder who the fuck could've made something like this, let alone put it here in my bathroom.

My curiosity is obviously off the charts right now, so I decide to step inside and close the door behind me. Now that I'm in, I can see that it has a very simple control panel. On it are two dials, and a giant button that says GO.

The first dial says 'days', and the second dial says 'years'. So great, this really is some sort of a futuristic time machine or some shit?? Am I really not dreaming? This has to be a fucking dream, right? Either way, there's no way this thing actually does anything. Because if I'm not dreaming, then this has to be a joke. Or a prank maybe?

Well fuck it, I'm turning one of these dials. I figure I'll start with the days one, and as I slowly try turning it to the left, I see a little display appear and it counts up from zero until it says, 'five days younger'.

And holy shit. The GO button just lit up, as if it's activated and ready for me to press it. I mean, there's only one thing left to do, right? Fuck it. Let's see if this thing actually works!

In perhaps the most YOLO move I've ever done, I slam that bright yellow GO button with the palm of my hand and I instantly hear, see, and feel this warm, wonderful light fill up this mysterious birthday time booth. And then as quickly as the bright glow appears, it's gone.

Huh. I don't feel that different. Although, wait. I kind of do, actually. My headache is gone, as if I'm not hungover anymore. And I don't have that awful cottonmouth feeling either. What the fuck? That's crazy. How did that happen?

I push open the door and step out into my bathroom, which looks exactly like it did a second ago. In fact, I can still see my dark yellow dehydrated pee, and the single piece of tp I used in the toilet, so it's clear I didn't actually travel back in time or anything. I do need to flush that though, ha.

But anyway, as I look at my topless self in the mirror, I don't notice any major differences, although scratch that. Holy shit! I'm not the same! Look at my hair!

My hair is longer! It looks like it did right before I got my haircut. That was earlier this week! How the hell did that happen?!? Holy. Fucking. Shit.

I glance back into the booth and my eyes fixate on the display of the control panel that still reads, 'five days younger'. Yep, this is exactly what I would've looked like five days ago, down to every last strand of hair. Holy shit, this fucking thing is real?!?

I mean, the not having the hangover after pressing the button was impressive, as was the whole trick of whoever got this gargantuan thing into my bathroom in the first place, but both of those seem somewhat plausible, if still unlikely. But how the hell could this machine have made my hair grow back? That's absolutely fucking impossible!

Oh my god. I need to try this some more.

I step back into the booth, and while a million ideas are running through my mind right now, mainly all the different possible ages I could become, I feel like I first need to get my bearings on how this device actually works. So I pick what's possibly the least exciting option, and I adjust the dial from its current position of five days younger back to zero days. Interestingly enough, while the GO button had initially been off when I came back in here, it immediately lit up as soon as I moved the dial again.

Alright, let's try this a second time! I hit the glowing button, the warm light fills the time machine, and it worked. Ha, I feel like shit again! My hangover is back, and I don't even need to look in the mirror to know my mediocre haircut has returned as well.

Okay, now that I know I can come back whenever I want, it's time to have some real fun! Let's break out the big guns and start messing with the years dial.

I start turning it, and while I initially contemplate going way back, I figure I want to start small. So I set the device to five years younger, and this time I close my eyes as I hit the GO button.

Wow. This is so fucking nuts. And holy shit, I forgot how fat I was a few years ago! Okay, fat is probably an exaggeration, as I've been fortunate enough to always have decent control over my weight. But as I step out and take a look at, let me think here, my 37-years-old-to-the-day self in my bathroom mirror, I can't help but appreciate the body I have now at 42.

Fuck, am I really 42?? That's like almost mid-forties. Which definitely is not good. Although at least I have the body of a 37-year-old right this second, ha.

But I'm not even sure that's a good thing considering how pudgy I am. Geez, I wonder how much I weigh? I take a few steps over to the digital scale I keep in my bathroom, and yep, 134.0 pounds. Shit, that's probably a full ten pounds more than I weigh right now. Well, real right now, not magical right now. You know what I mean : P.

Anyway, at least my boobs are a little bigger! But even so, it's time to move on to the next stop in this time-traveling journey of mine. But as I step back into the most amazing birthday present a human being has ever received, I'm hit with a new thought. I wonder if this contraption works in the other direction? You're probably like, why in the world would I want to make myself older? But I'm just curious.

So I take the years dial and I start cranking it to the right. But this time, I go past zero and start adding years, and now the display reads six, then seven, then eight years older. Holy shit, let's see what I'll look like on my 50th birthday!

Whap! I hit the button, feel the glow and yep. I'm definitely older right now. To be honest, I don't look too bad, as my face actually hasn't changed much. But shit, look at how droopy my arms are. My boobs aren't terrible, as I guess that's one benefit of having a smaller chest, but they are a little more pancakey. But ew, look at my thighs. My veins and cellulite are way worse than they are today. Ugh. This is just depressing.

Okay, I've seen enough of that, and I think I'm done experimenting in the getting older direction. In fact, I think I know the age I want to travel to. The whole reason I wished for this was because I wanted to be younger, and I'm not talking about just a few years younger, so let's do this.

I re-enter my magical birthday machine and I start moving the years dial again. I start turning it to the left, and first I spin it back to zero, and then I continue on to five years younger, and then ten, then twenty, and I just keep going. In fact, I wonder how far it'll let me go??

I get to 30, then 40, and now it's showing 50 years younger. Huh? I'm not even 50 years old to begin with. The weirdest part is, the GO button is still lit up. So if I hit that button, will I just disappear as if I haven't been born yet?!?

That thought makes me shudder a little, so I start cranking the dial back in the other direction. Okay, now that I know that this machine will apparently let me go to any age, I know precisely where I want to set it. As I said before, this whole birthday wish was predicated on me watching that teenage couple in the restaurant last night, so that's what I'm going to aim for. I do the necessary mental math, and then I slowly turn the dial until the display reads 24 years younger. The days dial is still set to zero, so that should put me back to being exactly 18 years old, to the day. Alright, I'm so pumped!

The button is lit, and I'm as ready as I'll ever be, Say goodbye to this depressing 50-year-old body I'm currently in. Say goodbye to my real life 42-year-old body. And say hello to, who the fuck knows! I close my eyes super tight. Wham!

I open my eyes as soon as I feel the glow finish, and oh my god. This is so amazing! I don't even need a mirror. It worked. It absolutely, positively worked!

Holy cow, my thong is actually loose on me. That's insane. And ha, you know what else is insane? My pubes! Holy seventies-style bush alert. It's bursting out of the sides of my underwear! I can't believe I used to let it grow out like this. What was I thinking?? : P

Okay, I changed my mind, I really do need to see what I look like in the mirror. So I excitedly hop out of the booth, and oh my god, I'm so freakin' tiny. I'm like barely there! Look at my arms. Look at my legs! They're like toothpicks. In fact, I don't think I have a single ounce of fat on me. Ha, my boobs are minuscule though! And my nipples, oh my god they're so different. I totally forgot what they used to look like before I got pregnant, so long ago. They're like invisible. They're so flat and pale and flesh colored.

I look over at my bathroom scale again. I wonder how much I weigh now?? Am I even a hundred pounds? I step up onto it, and oh my god, it says 102.4. One hundred and two pounds! Are you kidding me?!?

I look back in the other direction at that magical machine, and then I peer at myself in the mirror again. God, I used to be so beautiful. I know being skinny isn't everything, but I look like a runway model. Or at least a teenaged version of one. Obviously, I'm not any taller than I was as an adult, as I'm the same 5 foot 7 inches. But I think I look taller, simply because I'm so thin. I'm like a string bean, ha.

This is mind blowing. I look back down towards the ground one more time, but this time I'm not focused on the scale, but instead I pull the waistband of my thong out and take a peek at my 18-year-old vagina. It's hard to spot behind all that hair, but I can sort of see it down there.

While I continue to hold my underwear out with my left hand, I slide my right middle finger through the forest, and curl it around until I find my opening below. Like pretty much everything else about me right now, It's so tiny. And oh my god, I just realized something. When I was 18 years old, I was a virgin. So this tight little hole I'm exploring right now? It's never actually had a penis in it before. Holy fuck.

Now remember at the beginning of this story when I talked about how cliche it was for people to enjoy birthdays less and less as time goes on? Well that is definitely not going to be the case this year, as this is shaping up to be my best birthday ever.

And speaking of cliches, you know how they also say that youth is wasted on the young? Well that's another one that's not going to be true, at least not in this instance, because there is no question I am going to take full advantage of this magical opportunity that's before me. In fact, the only question I have right now, is just who all am I going to fuck with this glorious 18-year-old virgin body of mine, and how many times am I going to fuck them?!? And holy shit, I cannot wait to find out.

to be continued...