Musing about my Life

I think about it all the time.

I think about it all the time. I imagine myself dressed in the clothes I would prefer. Prefer but can't for a variety of reasons. I can get time to actually dress from time to time and my wardrobe has gone from extensive to shall we say minimal. It is the latter right now but in the past I have had wigs (several at a time though usually just one), nice breast forms (Amoena), several pairs of shoes, including heels and sandals, lots of makeup (and gotten reasonably skilled in its application), jewelry (necklaces, rings, bracelets, and clip earrings), several handbags, and loads of pictures. Purges often include getting rid of any incriminating images, so I have little to document my past. It is all still between my ears.

I remember many of the dresses I once had that I loved to wear. Several were purchased from Torrid, and one of them, a red dress that fell to my knees, would have been great to go out on the town in. Alas, I never did, but I enjoyed wearing it when I got the chance. The longer ago it was, the harder it is to remember details. I remember the first time I tried on makeup. I had stopped at a little roadside rest stop with a picnic table and not much else. I parked and sat at the table to put on my makeup. I was wearing a skirt and top, pantyhose and low-heeled shoes. I applied base, powder, blush, eyeliner, mascara, a little eye shadow, probably blue, and eyebrow pencil. All that from a girly purchasing adventure in drab mode.

There were some sweet slips and chemises as well as nighties along the way. I loved them all. I gravitated toward lace-trimmed full slips with pretty embroidery and lace everywhere. Baby doll nighties with matching panties and robe were so wonderful to wear and sleep in. I always imagined the best of all possible relationships would have been to a girl who enjoyed my dressing and we could wear similar nighties together. I could have multiple orgasms that way! These days I am inclined to think it would be nice to have another t-girl like me in a romantic relationship. She would definitely share my interest in femininity and lingerie and wanting to appear as convincing as possible.

I would have to like her, of course, and hopefully fall in love with her. Sex without that intimate connection is not an attractive thing to me. I never once thought I would like to have sex with a girl but would not want to hang out with her. The sex and the relationship are intertwined to me.

The tale of all the clothes I have had in my career - can you call it that? A career in cross-dressing? - would take time to compile and it might be interesting to pursue. As of now I only have three pair of panties, two pair of white lace top thigh highs, and a pink slip (Vasserette, I think, though the tag is lost.) Every time I go into a store like WalMart I always look at the panties and bras to see if there is anything that strikes my fancy. I need a bra. And I am going to try those breast forms they have. Not really forms, but intended to wear over the breasts so you can go braless. I know it seems confusing to me too. But they are adhesive and can hold them up in the appropriate dress where you don't want straps to show and where the illusion of nakedness underneath is desired. Or you can wear a bra over them too, I suppose. Which is what I plan to do.

I have taken my measurements so I can better estimate the proper size for things. Especially panties and bras, since you can't try those on! I have been disappointed before by getting things too small and am often unable to return them. I remember long ago when the thrift stores run by the Salvation Army had lots of clothes thrown unseparated in bins and you just rooted around until you found something. I got panties, bras, slips and dresses that way for years. There was no way to try things on. I got my panty size and bra size and dress size by trial and error that way. I could wear a size 5 panty, 38B bra, and a size 12 or 14 dress. Ah to be that size again.

These days, though my wardrobe is small, I still think about dressing all the time. I check out my favorite t-girls online frequently. One of my favorites is Heidi Phox. She is my idol! I have others, some not so traditional as Heidi, nor as wholesome. They all give me an idea of what it would be like to live full time as a girl, dressing as one, doing daily chores like grocery shopping and yard work, house cleaning and laundry (I would have a lot of laundry!) and finding the time to go out to meet with others like me. I have never been Lacy for more than two days at a time. I want more. A week. A month. Maybe longer? I don't know what my tolerance for it, or rather my need to be my male self for certain things that might require it. I am not exactly "out" and don't really plan to be. I just like dressing as a girl - a woman. I fantasize about being able to dress as I want and do whatever I want. Shop, go to a movie, go out to eat, see friends, go to a concert. You get the idea.

I also cannot help but fantasize about intimate encounters. Just putting on panties, bra, slip and dress, hose and shoes, wig, makeup ... just putting them on is sometimes arousing enough. But the thought of being out with someone I am attracted to and feeling body-to-body contact, a kiss, a caress, is enough to get my motor running! I am just talking about thinking about it. To actually do it... I think my heart would be doing flips! I know my excitement could not be hidden at that point.

During that 7 days or that month, depending on where I go and who I see, I suppose that kind of encounter is not likely, but its certainly possible right? If not I am at least fantasizing about it often. And when I am in for the evening, and I kick off my shoes, take off my hose, take off my dress and hang it up, and possibly put a robe on over my slip, or maybe not. It depends on my mood. I take off my makeup, and moisturize. I put the wig on its stand, and I take off the robe and slip, hanging them in my closet, take off my bra but keep the breast forms on (its safe to go a day like this but you shouldn't do it every day!) and put on a baby doll nightie and robe and some slippers, and go into the kitchen to pour a glass of white wine.

Always I am thinking about being dressed, being able to dress this way as long as I like with no fear of discovery, no one questioning my identity. Gender euphoria overwhelms me as I brush my hand against the front of my panties. Mmmmm, if only there was someone here with me to touch me and caress me. I am alone and it's a good opportunity to give in to some of my daydreams, at least in my head. I fantasize about it when I am in drab, and I especially fantasize when I am dressed pretty. You know what gender euphoria can lead to. So here in this cute feminine baby doll peignoir and matching panties I am becoming sweetly aroused by the thought of it and the thought of sharing the moment with another t-girl. I can imagine the kisses and caresses. The compliments on each other's lingerie. The coos and moans, the smiles and lip licking, a tilt of the head, a brush against each other at the front of the hips. Our hardness touches each other. I feel how excited you are to be here with me. I hope you can feel how excited I am to be here with you, sweet lover. Kiss, kiss, kiss.

Gentle kisses accompanied by soft swaying of our hips rhythmically as we begin to feel waves of pleasure especially when our erect clitties rub past each other making momentary contact which sends an electric wave through our hips and thighs. We dance our way toward the bed where we, without missing a moment of kissing, get up onto the bed kneeling before each other. Momentary kiss interruption as I gaze into your face and smile. Pulling you closer, rubbing my hips against you, knowing you can feel me, and I you.

I lean you back until. You are on the bed, my knees on either side of your hips, your legs in the air and around my body, our clitties very near to each other, mine rubbing against your inner thigh, yours in my left hand as I gently rubs its head. Our legs straighten, I slide a little to the left so that our legs are perfectly arranged and intwined and I deepen my kiss. We are both breathing deeply now.

I lift myself up and reverse my position so that our mouths can find what they desire. I position my knees on either side of your head and reach down to pull the waistband of your panties down to get at my prize. You are doing the same on me but pulling the leg band aside to slip me out that way. I take you in my mouth and tenderly swish my tongue around its head a bit, waiting for a response from you. I feel it twitch a little against my lips, as you take me in your mouth and start sucking hungrily. Which turns me on and I squirm a bit and moan. "Yes," I am thinking! "Keep doing that!" Yummy.

Slirp slurp slurp. You are luscious and velvety in my mouth, and you smell so good. I begin to work my way further onto your shaft, swirling my tongue as I go. Taking you as far I as I can until I feel you against the back of my mouth. Practice has allowed me to learn to do this with you. It takes trust and relaxation, but it is a wonderful feeling to be able to do that with you. I remember the first time I was able to do it, and the way you came in my mouth with 4 or 5 good squirts and I was able to swallow every bit. Except for a little dribble that came out near the end.

I feel you expertly sending waves of pleasure through my groin that explode first in my penis, then through my hips and my breasts and my thighs, and make me tingle to my toes and fingertips. Here in this fantasy I am enjoying, I would have us both cum at the same time, and then collapse in each others arms and breath for a while, listening to the background music.

All that just went through my mind, as I actually padded into my room, got on the bed and closed my eyes and pictured the scene I was creating. At the same time caressing myself and stroking my hardness. I love the pleasure of that as the wonderful fabric of the nightie rubs against it. I could play for hours laying on the bed in this beautiful nightie and panties, playing with myself, keeping myself just this side of orgasm. Sometimes I would take pictures. Not today. At some point I let myself cum and get cleaned up as necessary. (Its funny how the details of that process of cumming and cleaning up seems so unromantic and frankly unladylike so I don't include it. Here anyway.)

I am happy to remain in the nightgown and go to sleep, fantasizing about sleeping here with the one I just fantasized about.