Carrie's Story

TW: Mentions of past abuse.

To understand the person I am you have to understand what happens when a person has the start in life I had.

CHAPTER ONE - HELL ON EARTH

Children, especially babies have no means of making themselves feel secure or safe. They erupt into a terrifying cold, hot, noisy, quiet, smelly and scary place. They can't see particularly well so rely entirely on their mother for safety, security and protection. Mum is there to care for her child and make it feel safe by swaddling it in blankets, breast feeding and rocking the baby when it's scared, hungry, or in pain. The first few years shape the mind and character of a person hugely, anything missing during those few years is missing forever.

Once the baby becomes a young child the child can gradually become independent and pull away from Mum, but it's a delicate situation. When danger arises the support of a reliable parent is vital.

I was born to a violent father and a drug addict mother. My father wasn't generally violent to his kids, he just made it clear he had no affection for us. His anger and aggression was generally reserved for his drug addled wife. I'm not sure what came first, the beatings or the drugs! A question that will never be answered.

Mum wasn't a deliberately bad person, she just wasn't a complete human being. She produced three children, my big brother Ethan, Esme eighteen months younger and me a year after that.

I'm Carrie, Carrie Moss of the infamous Moss family of Elgin, a small, sort of terrible, town in Scotland. I say that because it has nothing really going for it, the main road from Inverness to Aberdeen dissects the town meaning constant heavy traffic to negotiate, ruining the ambience. Work is scarce and there's a huge drug problem because we are so close to a string of fishing villages where drugs arrive in great quantities. It's a society where everyone has problems and tends to stay out of other peoples lives. Community spirit exists but it's limited compared to more successful communities.

Mum, somehow, managed to keep us all alive despite being off her head on drugs much of the time. We were underweight, dirty and scorned at school. My brother was knocked down every time he stood up and I dodged the same fate by becoming as invisible as a human could be. I just didn't exist in the minds of fellow pupils and many teachers. Esme was able to rise above it and was popular and respected at school. She was effectively two people, tortured Esme at home and at school Esme.

Our route through life was further complicated by the abuse we suffered at the hands of my brother throughout much of our childhood. It wasn't particularly violent or overly aggressive but it was carried out by a brother who rather than protecting his sisters became a source of fear. The abuse was constant and happened when my parents weren't looking, but occasionally when they were.

So then the question becomes what happens to a child when they have a savage, uncaring, upbringing. When love is non existent, when safety and security is replaced by fear and intimidation. When they suffer horrific abuse.

It's a reasonably well understood fact that virtually all abusers have been abused. I can only assume Ethan learned his habits somehow, people aren't born evil. He was bullied at school but as far as we knew Dad didn't touch him so why did he become an abuser? My guess is to try to feel powerful, to feel complete, because he was lacking in so many areas. He was small, weak, academically lacking and socially awkward. He didn't have an easy life but he responded by becoming the worst person possible.

We tried talking to Mum but she either didn't understand or didn't want to understand. We didn't think of talking to Dad, he knew what was happening and did nothing. I have some cloudy memories of him laughing and congratulating Ethan but I possibly manufactured them in my confusion and hatred of them.

Ethan abused us for years. On two occasions Esme mentioned the abuse to health workers but, for reasons I will never understand they did nothing, or at least nothing obvious. I suspect they tried following up the accusations with Mum and Dad who dismissed the "story" and were believed. Possibly?

Despite the spectacularly awful life we led at home Esme and I did well at school. We both performed well at secondary school while our revolting brother followed in Dads footsteps by becoming ever more ignorant and worthless. He was a heavy drinker by the time he was 16 and an alcoholic when he was 18.

Our father wasn't guilty of direct abuse but his comments were less than complimentary and increasingly sinister. We always knew the situation was dangerous, we were constantly frightened.

Esme did well in her school exams and applied to do finance in the local college. I was a year behind but also doing well but I wasn't as clear what I wanted do to with my life. Esme and I both clearly understood we had to get out, get away, somehow.

The solution came to us as a result of yet more tragedy.

Our life took a horrific and unexpected turn as I approached my 16th birthday. Mum rarely drove but, strangely, decided to take me to Inverness to do some shopping while Dad was away. Her driving, always terrible, was particularly bad. I spent the entire journey holding on to the grab handles wondering if I would survive.

As it happened, I did, she didn't!

On the way back she decided to overtake a slow moving truck, pulled out into the path of a truck travelling in the opposite direction and was killed, instantly. I suffered a broken leg, collarbone, broken ribs and several deep lacerations. I spent five days in hospital during which time Mums autopsy discovered high levels of drugs and alcohol in her bloodstream. She risked both our lives in some desperate attempt to escape the reality of her life for a few hours. I didn't ever blame her for her actions, I understood her desperation.

By the time the funeral happened I was able to move around but still in a lot of pain. My leg had been set but was very painful, the collarbone wasn't as bad but sleep was difficult. I took the painkillers they gave me but resolved to stop as soon as possible. Ethan helped by stealing most of them to sell to friends.

Oddly, I felt guilt. Somehow I translated the accident in a way that apportioned the blame to me. Dad did his best to magnify the guilt I felt. I overheard him talking to Ethan the day before the funeral.

"Why did it have to be your Mother, why couldn't it have been Carrie. Why couldn't she die instead."

Esme was next to me, she held my hand then hugged me.

"Dad just killed me didn't he? In his mind I'm dead, always will be?"

Esme had tears in her eyes, "Well you're not, you're my sister and I love you. Don't let that thing we call a father hurt you."

At the funeral the next day we each had a chance to speak. Dad muttered about how wonderful Mum was. Ethan mumbled similar sentences and cried. Esme declined to speak but I decided to try to sum up my feelings.

I hobbled slowly to the lectern aware of scornful stares from my father and brother. I thought for a few seconds then the words poured out.

"Mum was a wonderful person in so many ways. She did what she could for her kids but she struggled. She was a slave to her drug addiction, the constant beatings from her husband and was unable to stop her son abusing both her daughters."

I paused to make sure my voice stayed even and strong.

The crowd was completely silent, staring at me. Some looked shocked and bewildered. Some shook their heads!

"I don't blame Mum for what she tolerated and what we had to tolerate. Many in this community knew what was going on but did nothing. We talked to the health service about what was happening but they did nothing. The doctor shook his head and muttered about an overactive imagination. He ignored a crime, a vile crime.

So what Mum suffered was aided and abetted by the cowardice of an entire community. She died unhappy, abused and defeated. Mum leaves behind a husband who did nothing for her, a worthless son and two daughters who will now try to piece a life together without setting foot in the family home after packing and leaving later today.

For those of you who knew what went on and did nothing, you have to reconcile your choices and ask forgiveness but you'll never hear the words, "I forgive you", from Esme or, from me!

Esme and I will leave the family home today and commence legal proceedings against our brother. He deserves to go to jail but probably won't. He will be defended by our father, no doubt. Doesn't matter, we just need to break free from the shackles of our vile family."

I stepped down from the lectern in complete, deafening, silence. Esme stood up and walked slowly through the church with her injured sister, out the door and never looked back.

We had no home, no money but we had each other. We would find a way.

As we walked slowly toward the house to collect our things we heard rapid footsteps behind us. It was Mrs Ellison, one of our teachers from the academy. She looked as if she had been crying.

"Girls, I'm so sorry for what you've been through. I can't change what happened but if you let me I would like to offer you a place to live till you get sorted out. My husband and I split up, I have a four bedroom house I live in on my own. There's plenty room. Please let me do this?"

Esme nodded, "That would be fantastic, thanks Mrs Ellison. Thanks so much."

She smiled, "Please call me Janet, Mrs Ellison makes me feel old."

We walked slowly to Janet's car. I was in pain from my leg, ribs and collarbone which I had blocked managed to block out but was now very aware of.

It only took Esme and I twenty minutes to pack all we had into three bags. We put it in Janet's car and drove off, neither of us looked back. The torture of that house was over. We had no house of our own, no family but we were safe, or safer!

We settled into Janets house, I took a room downstairs and Esme the room next to Janet upstairs. Janet checked the locks and windows. It's a small town, people would find out where we were staying. Dad and Ethan would react, no doubt.

Janet made us supper, it was probably the best meal I had ever had. Beef stew, dumplings and potatoes. Nothing special, but much better than we were accustomed to.

After dinner she asked, "Do you want me to call the Police so you can start proceedings? It would help control your brother and father?"

Esme nodded, "Yes, please. We need to make sure you don't get dragged too far into this, we might all need protection from Dad and Ethan."

Janet called, the desk sergeant indicated he would come round himself with a PC. They were true to their word, they arrived less than thirty minutes later.

After introducing themselves Sgt Adam surprised us all.

"We already know what you two have been through. Your brother came to the station and made a statement admitting what he had done soon after you left the funeral. He made the comment that he couldn't live with the guilt and needed to tell the truth."

Esme choked, "That supposed guilt didn't stop him doing what he did. He's an animal!"

Sgt Adam nodded, "You don't have to do this right now. There's no rush, Esme. Your brother is in custody and will stay there. In some ways it's for his own safety, there are people ready to do him harm in the town. Your Dad is in the house scared to come out. It will calm down but for now they are both in danger.

The most important thing is you two get the support you've been missing for years. Social services will come and talk to you but won't dictate, you are both old enough to make your own choices. Just think what you need from them and ask, make them help."

Esme nodded, "Janet is letting us stay here for a short time till we get on our feet but for now we need to keep focused on school and college and mourn Mum. She made a lot of mistakes but she was our Mum."

Janet held Esme's hand, "Stay as long as you want. I've got the space, there's no rush. I want to help you but it's also nice to have you here, it's no hardship."

Sgt Adam asked, "Are you both OK? Sometimes when trauma reveals itself the impact can be sudden. It's like the weight crashes down?"

I nodded, "Yes, understand what you mean. I feel a bit like that but we are so used to living with fear and pain we probably won't act normally for a while, if ever. It's not just what Ethan did, we've just lost Mum. It's a lot to take in.

Can't say I'm looking forward to going back to school. I've always been the weird girl but now I'm the weird girl who was abused for years."

Sgt Adam nodded, "That's the sort of thing social services can help with. Mention it, don't hide any issues."

Janet nodded, "You haven't got long to go. It's only two months till the exams. The school might let you study at home, here."

I smiled, "Yes, maybe, but I feel like I want to face the situation. I have nothing to be ashamed of. I don't want to hide away. I have to go back sometime, might as well be soon."

Sgt Adam shook his head, "You two are brave, very brave. I'm so sorry you went through this, I wish I had known."

Esme smiled, "Well you didn't so don't grab the guilt. Just make sure our brother is held accountable for what he did. Make sure justice is done."

Sgt Adam nodded, "We will. I'll call back in a couple of days and we can work on the statements. Maybe better doing it here, the Police station is small. You would be in close proximity to Ethan."

I glanced at Sgt Adam, "I'm not scared of him. Never was. He's weak, a coward."

Esme chuckled, "She's tough this one. Took a lot of courage to do what she did today. Well done little sister."

Sgt Adam smiled, "She certainly is. Impressive young lady. Don't fancy joining the Police do you?"

Sgt Adam and PC Monk, a lady PC who hadn't uttered a word stood up to leave. The PC turned and looked at Esme.

"I should stay professional but have to say this. I admire you two. You've been through all this but you aren't letting it defeat you. Please stay strong. If there's anything I can do just ask. Personally or professionally, I'll do whatever I can to help."

Esme shook her hand, "We will be dealing with this for the rest of our lives. What our family took away, or never provided, can't be replaced. I'm sure we will be missing a few nuts and bolts but we will do what we can with what we have. We have to.

I'm not going to let two evil men destroy me or my sister. They didn't win, we did."

The PC nodded, turned and walked away with Sgt Adam. Her shoulders were shaking, as if she was laughing, or crying.

CHAPTER TWO - MOVING ON

It was easier and harder than we thought.

Dad left town, he was being constantly threatened.

We both provided long, consistent, damning statements. PC Monk and Sgt Adam took the statements and visited us regularly to make sure we were OK, and update

us on the legal process. They were fantastic, hugely supportive.

Ethan stayed in custody but that didn't save him. He transferred to a prison near Glasgow but was badly beaten by the inmates, who had heard the story. He survived but was left with permanent injuries. His life was effectively over, no hopes, no dreams. He was just watching the sun rise and set on the remaining days of a pointless life.

A few family friends were brave enough to visit, express sympathy and apologise. Most stayed away, afraid of us, of the guilt they shared.

We had a safe secure home with Janet. Esme passed first year at college and I managed to get five highers the following year. Despite our family it appeared we were quite clever kids. The challenge for me was what to do. I had a fairly general set of subjects so had options.

Janet pushed me in the direction of law. She thought I would be a good lawyer. Maybe, but I already had something in mind.

I applied to do a degree in criminology at Aberdeen university. Just FYI, criminology is the study of crime, criminal behaviour and societies response to it. No question my horrible life to that point motivated me but I reasoned it's better to understand than to wonder why?

I was borderline to get in so had a nervy wait but I did, they admitted me. The challenge now was affording it. Where was the money coming from? I worked for two summers storing up cash and applied for grants from various bodies. Social services also helped but it was going to be a poor persons life in an expensive city with no money. Oh well, I was used to that.

Janet refused to accept any money from us. She provided free lodging for years, we didn't really fully move out until we were adults making our own way. She always said her ex husband paid the bills but it probably wasn't true. She helped us make sense of the world after we left the family behind. The most important thing was her house felt safe, we were able to adjust to the new life we created without worrying who would walk through the door.

Our lives changed so much in that time after the funeral. Janet's kindness was never ending. She let us share her house, cooked our meals, washed our clothes and wiped away our tears. We both suffered panic attacks for a time after leaving home. The therapist helped us understand it was the trauma combined with not understanding our new, unthreatening, world. It was frustrating that we rewarded her astonishing kindness by dragging her into our tortured minds but she never complained, she was never negative or judgemental. She always told us to be patient, we would be fine but it would take time.

Janet is a wonderful human being, she showed us what people can be, what kindness is. She's not only our rock, she's an example of the people we both hope to become. I would say she was like a mother but that sells her short. She was mother, big sister, therapist, good friend and career advisor. She's the best of us!

The legal case against our brother was very straightforward. He didn't dispute what he had done, our equally disgusting father didn't appear to offer support. He focused on drinking himself to death, we wished him good luck. The fact Ethan was a legal adult toward the end of the abuse meant he was tried as an adult. He got 15 years in prison, serving seven before he died of a drug overdose while in custody. A pointless, wasted life and an unmourned death. I have to admit I felt it was a fitting end for a vile and cruel person.

I forced myself to go back to school. The staff and pupils were scared to talk to me but gradually came round. I didn't want to be a figure of pity but understood how they felt. The girls were horrified when they heard what we had gone through, I didn't often talk about it directly. When I did it was mainly to explode myths or quell rumours. A couple of kids taunted me but I barely heard it. My mind wasn't functioning particularly well at that point, I just focused on studying and passing.

I didn't make many new friends. I worked in a local farm shop where my fame wasn't as significant or as much of a burden. Most customers were from outside the town so less fascinated by the story. It troubled me that I was Carrie the abused, the tortured. It dragged the events of the past up constantly, repeatedly. Esme got it even more than me because she was at college when it all came out and we left home. She lived with it for nearly four years. It was only when she graduated she was able to stop being "Esme the abused".

The obvious question is, did we get over it?

Short answer is no, I don't think anyone ever moves beyond events such as those that shaped our childhood. We both focused on not allowing those events to shape us or shape aspects of us as we grew up. The therapists helped us understand ourselves and to recognise issues in ourselves and each other. Trying to be normal in that first summer after leaving was exhausting. We tended to analyse everything we did or said because we didn't know how to live a normal life.

Esme and I are very close, we always will be. The horror we suffered is something only Esme and I understand. Those desperate, terrible, nights when I watched my poor sister being abused by her brother. Similarly the nights she watched it happen to me. It was disgusting, demeaning, horrifying! No human should have to suffer as we did.

We both went to constant therapy sessions for years, we needed them. The therapists helped us understand how we would eventually cope with it. The lack of safety and security is something that can't be cured or replaced, we have to understand that and anticipate what it did to us. Even now we often tend to be cold and unfeeling towards others. We don't tend to enjoy crowds and struggle with inane small talk. We didn't feel or experience love when we were small so we expect every word to have a meaning, every conversation to have a purpose.

Through my early life I only said "I love you" to Esme and Janet. Janet cried for about half an hour the first time, it was incredibly emotional. I meant it and still do, she saved us when we left home. She made us feel safe, secure, and cared for. She made us feel loved because she loved us and we were eventually able to love her back. It felt like a breakthrough, being able to feel love for someone and express it.

It wasn't all positive, there were very dark times. I hit a severe depression during second year at university and took an overdose of pills. I was discovered in my residence unconscious and taken to hospital. I was never in any real physical danger but my depression was hard to overcome. I missed almost a term of work that I had to do during the summer. Esme and Janet didn't let me out of their sight for weeks as I gradually climbed out of the dark place I found myself in. I don't know what triggered it. I just woke up feeling sad, lifeless and empty. Life didn't feel worth living. Odd how something that arrives quickly takes so long to leave.

It was a one time event, it made me realise I had to survive, to thrive, to make a life. Don't let my childhood defeat me and don't let my selfish actions hurt Esme. I was so sorry for what I put Esme and Janet through. I vowed, never again.

After graduating Esme started as a trainee chartered accountant in Aberdeen. We found a flat together when I started university but constantly visited Janet, we still needed that safety blanket she provided. The reassurance of a "home" with a stable, solid person to keep us safe.

At that point neither of us had a relationship with a man or a woman. Esme was a properly good looking twenty year old woman although she claimed my more voluptuous figure gave me the edge. We were constantly asked out but it was a leap we couldn't force ourselves to take for a long time. I don't think it was because we feared men or didn't want intimacy, it was more we didn't want to subject ourselves to the inevitable conversation.

I had almost completed my degree when we were contacted by the hospital in Aberdeen. Dad had suffered a heart attack and was critically ill. Esme and I talked about it and with Janet's advice and support decided to go to see him, together.

We located Dad in the high dependency unit, he looked terrible. His skin was a combination of blue and white. I hated the man with every fibre of my being but it was still hard to see him like that. We talked to him for about ten minutes about health then he switched the conversation suddenly.

"You didn't have to do what you did to your brother."

After a moment Esme asked, "What we did to him?"

"He was just a young lad with young lad needs. Most lads would do the same."

I looked at him, "You really believe that don't you?"

"Well it's true. You two didn't get hurt, not really!"

Esme sneered, "We were being attacked by our brother. He was sick but you are worse. You're vermin Dad."

"I'm lying here nearly dead and you say that to me?"

I looked at Dad and after a moments silence said,

"You know they say that you don't really die until someone thinks of you, says your name, for the last time?

I just want to make sure you know that neither of us will ever say your name again. We will only ever think of you as a disgusting shell of a person. Worthless, an object, not a person!

When you die, we won't bury you, we won't put a stone up in a graveyard. We won't have a funeral. It'll be like you never existed, you'll be gone and forgotten. Dead. A wasted life remembered by no one, mourned by no one. Just dead, gone!

In effect you are already dead so don't worry, when your heart eventually stops beating your body is just catching up with what has already happened."

He coughed, "How dare you say that, how can you say that to me, that's so cruel."

It was cold, cruel and heartless but I just said what was in my heart. I didn't want to torture him but I wanted him to realise his death meant nothing to us or to anyone else.

Ethan and Dad would die unloved and instantly forgotten, Esme and I would live our lives, despite what they did to us. We would carry on but they would die and, just, vanish!

We stood up to leave, Esme stared at him, "I hope you die soon, there's really no point carrying on, you vile man."

He didn't respond, he just stared at us gasping in shallow breaths. If anything he looked panicked and afraid. He finally comprehended the impact of both his actions and inactions while we grew up. He was as alone as anyone could be. No family, no friends, no respect from anyone.

He lasted less than two days. The hospital told us he passed away the night after we visited from a massive heart attack. There was no chance to revive him, he died quickly. We thanked them and contacted the council authorities, explained there was no money for a funeral, could they dispose of the body.

We never mentioned his name or Ethan's name other than official conversations or documents. It was like reciting an address or national insurance number. A boring fact that meant nothing, emotionally. They were as dead as two people could be. They died tortured, alone and defeated. A fitting end to two lives totally wasted.

So you have the cold, hard, horrible facts of how we were brought up. There's no softening it, I'm afraid.

It was terrible, unforgiving and destructive. It harmed us, damaged us, it killed parts of us, but not all of us. By carrying on we won, we succeeded!

Esme and I lived while our abusers died. A fair and reasonable outcome. Mum was unquestionably a victim, but her memory lives on in us, we keep her alive.

CHAPTER THREE - FINISH STUDYING AND GET A JOB

Some things you need to understand about abused people. We tend toward depression, anxiety and have a very high rate of attempted suicide (about 1 in 4). Few would be surprised that early abuse leads to those issues.

What's less considered is that many survivors struggle to identify and express feelings. We tend to be defensive and over protective of ourselves and those we love. It's hard to form bonds, relationships and to trust others.

Esme and I suffered from all possible symptoms. Esme was better at hiding it, she was like a duck swimming upstream, serene on the surface but frantic underneath. I admired her but was scared for her. Was burying those thoughts and feelings good or bad?

We both had episodes of deep sorrow and sadness, not quite depression but on the road toward it. I understand now it's a symptom of lacking the care and love we should have had as young children. If no one finds you lovable how can you love yourself? It's another of those injuries inflicted through an unhappy childhood you have to understand and overcome. No one can do it for you!

We had both developed into attractive women. Now 23, Esme was taller, about 5ft 8. She was slim, athletic with a pretty almond shaped face with sharp cheekbones and dark blonde hair. She was glamorous and asked out constantly. I was not quite 22, 5ft 5, curvy approaching buxom, with features similar to Esme but softer. By hair was darker, light brown. We disagreed about the order constantly but she was very good looking, I was average plus a bit.

The question was why we had not been able to say yes to any men, or women. Something was in the way. The lack of trust didn't attach to men, it attached to everyone. We were both sure we were heterosexual, no sexual feelings for other women.

As we chatted one night Esme opened up

"I feel attracted to men, I want to say yes but I don't want to have "that" conversation. At some point I will have to explain what happened but I don't relish it. I'll be reliving it but I'm also worried the guy will be frightened off and I will become "Esme the abused" at work."

I hugged her, "You aren't obligated to tell a boyfriend your life history, at least not until you know each other."

"True, when I met Lydia for the last session she said the same. It's just a bridge I have to cross. I want a boyfriend, I want love, attention and to have meaningful sex."

"I had no idea you were a horny, sex crazed woman."

"Shut up. Well, maybe, a bit. I do think about it quite a lot."

"Various therapists told us about this. The emotions have been buried so it's possible we will experience heightened needs and drives as we overcome the past."

"It's just that first step isn't it? How will I trust and care for a man. I don't know how?"

"Esme, we have to try. Studies have gone well, we both have good jobs, we both have a small group of friends. There's one thing missing, we have to take the plunge."

By this time I was working for Police Scotland as a criminologist, Esme was a qualified Accountant. We owned a three bed flat in Aberdeen. We saw Janet most weeks, she stayed with us or we went home. She was the third leg of the stool, we needed her or the stool would fall over.

Life was good but a bit empty, we had a final bridge to cross. Something was missing, a relationship with a caring man. We both needed to take that step but it was going to be very difficult.

Esme took the plunge the following week. She went for dinner with a guy from work, chap called Graham. He had asked her out constantly and almost fainted when she said yes. They were going to an Italian in the town centre.

I was terrified for her!

When Esme opened the door at 10.15 I rushed to the door and hugged her.

"Calm down little Sis, it was just a first date."

"I was just worried, was it OK?"

"It was, he's a lovely guy. Very caring and considerate. I eventually had to kiss him, I got frustrated waiting for him to do it."

"Oh right, he's a real gent then?"

"Well. He was initially but he enjoyed the kiss too much then had a rub of my tits. Cheeky Sod. I wriggled away and he got all embarrassed."

I hugged her again, "You've done it haven't you, you have crossed the bridge. You know you can have a relationship?"

"Yes, I think I have. I didn't once feel nervous or scared. In fact when he fondled my breasts I got quite squirmy. I'm ready to go further, I feel a bit needy. I like him, I think he's the one."

Esme met Graham twice more. At the end of the fourth date he walked her home and kissed her at the bottom of the stairwell. As they kissed Esme reached down and rubbed his trousers over his erection. He gasped and pulled away.

"Oh sorry, did I hurt you?"

"No, it's not that, I don't think I can control myself. I'll make a mess."

"Do you want to come up to the flat, let's finish what we just started?"

"Of course but your Sister lives with you doesn't she?"

"Yes but I've got my own room, it's not a commune."

He didn't need to be asked again. I was in the living room when they arrived. Esme introduced me to Graham. I knew he was good looking but wasn't prepared by just how good looking. He was about six foot tall, medium build, dark brown almost black hair and weird bright blue eyes. He was a absolutely gorgeous.

We said a quick hello before Esme led him into her room. I was terrified for her but shouldn't have been. For the next two hours I heard sounds of pleasure and none of distress or pain. I was so happy for her.

When a disheveled, very happy, Graham left Esme collapsed on the chair.

"That was lovely. So much easier than I expected."

"So you had sex and it was OK?"

"We did, twice. I was a bit nervous first time but it was lovely, he was wonderful."

"Will you tell me about it?"

"Perv."........... Yes, OK!"

I settled down for the sordid details.

"When we first went into my room we kissed and fondled. He took my top and bra off and I pushed my hands down into his pants and held him. I just played with him as he unbuttoned my skirt. As soon as he pushed his hands into my panties I lost it. I yanked his pants down and pulled him onto the bed. I didn't think about what I was doing. When I lined him up and he pushed into me it didn't cross my mind that it was the first time since my brother had abused me I had a penis inside me. I just enjoyed it, I loved every moment as he made love to me. He was so caring, so gentle. Well until the end then it was a bit frantic, understandable really.

The first time didn't last very long. He asked if he could cum in me, I said yes and he followed instructions. It was a lot, much more than I expected. Much much more. When he pulled out there was quite a flood out of me.

We lay together hugging and kissing, touching each other. I felt him getting hard so climbed on top and sat down on him. I made love to him. It was lovely, he stared at me, told me how gorgeous I was. As I slid up and down on him he stroked my face and breasts, it was perfect. We had sex for ages, slowly, feeling everything, enjoying it. I felt him getting harder inside me and saw him clench his teeth. I told him it was OK to let go and he orgasmed again."

I smiled, "Did you really enjoy it?"

"Yes, I did. I didn't orgasm but it felt amazing, I loved having sex with Graham, it's a fantastic feeling. It's nothing to worry about Carrie."

"Thanks for telling me the truth."

Esme looked slightly sheepish.

"We actually did something else. I took him in my mouth then he he slid down and licked me. I was a bit embarrassed, I was a bit messy down below by that stage, but it felt absolutely incredible. I want to do that again, a lot."

"I'm sure he won't mind. You're gorgeous."

"Will he respect me in the morning."

"Oh yes. Don't worry about that."

We talked for ages, a burden had been lifted from both of us somehow. The final barrier had fallen. Or so we thought.

What we hadn't realised was the physical barrier was easier than the emotional barrier. We weren't scared of sex but we didn't know how to love, the affection that goes with caring about someone enough to have sex was more challenging as we would soon discover.

For the next few months Esme and Graham were constantly "at it". They had sex a lot, as new lovers do, I suppose.

On one lovely occasion Graham hadn't closed the door properly so I watched Graham tenderly make love to Esme. I watched her enjoy it, really enjoy it. I watched as she took him in her mouth, the ecstasy on his face as she slid up and down licking and sucking then the anticipation on Esmes face as he lowered himself between her legs. I watched Esme orgasm as he teased her then held her in his arms kissing her gently. When they made love it was so tender, so caring. I was beautiful.

I don't knowing if leaving the door ajar was deliberate but it confirmed that sex with a man was a wonderful thing, a beautiful thing. It made me want a love affair of my own.

Before that happened the real challenge reared its head.

Not long after I watched them Graham said "those words", he finished making love to Esme and whispered

"I love you!"

She didn't respond. He apologised and became embarrassed but she held him tight.

"Don't be silly, it's nice. But I'm afraid we have to have a long, difficult, conversation."

He was terrified, he thought he had messed up.

Esme led him out of the room and shouted.

"Carrie, I need you to help me with a conversation!"

Graham looked alarmed, "Esme, please tell me what I've done. What did I do wrong?"

She hugged him, "Oh Graham, you haven't done anything wrong, I haven't done anything wrong. The people who did things wrong are long gone but I have to tell you about my childhood, you need to know. It's time!"

We told the story, all of it. He shook his head, tears welled up, he got angry and disgusted. Esme left nothing out, she was completely honest.

At the end she held his hand and said, "I told you because I want you to understand. I struggle to express emotion, I can love people, I do love people, but you might have to be patient with me. Give me a bit of time."

Tears streamed down his face, "I don't care how long it takes. I want to be with you. I want that even more now. You two are so brave, so impressive. I don't know how you coped?"

Esme smiled, "I didn't tell you earlier because I worried you might leave me!"

Graham nodded, "I understand, completely. Thanks for trusting me. It can't be easy to talk about it."

I nodded, "The fact Ez has told you means a lot. It's really tough to talk about, not because it brings back memories. The worry is it drives people away or defines us. We went through years of being stared at, ignored, looked at with sympathy.

We just want to be normal. Laugh, love, argue when we are annoying or annoyed. We aren't made of glass, don't change the way you act or feel. Just be you!"

Esme hugged me, "Wise woman. Graham, do what she told you."

He laughed, "OK, fine. Esme, come with me, I want to get inside those pants again."

She laughed, "Come on then, you horny pervert."

It was exactly the right response. He did well. They spent the next hour having gaspy, noisy, loving, sex. I was beginning to feel like a nun.

I was so happy for Esme. She was like a flower bursting out. Her whole world seemed brighter, better. Graham was brilliant with her, he didn't mention the conversation again, just got back to being him. Three months later we were sitting drinking coffee on Saturday as Graham watched a rugby match on TV Esme walked to the back of the chair he was sitting on and put her hands on his shoulders.

Graham, just thought you might want to know, "I love you."

A tear trickled down my face. Graham stood up, grabbed Esme in his arms and held her for a very long time. When he eventually let her fall back she kissed him passionately.

Esme laughed and said, "You need to meet Janet."

Esme called our wonderful friend, sister, Mum......... saviour. Janet arrived the following day looking flustered. She hated the drive but was worried about Ez so hadn't slept much the previous night.

When she arrived Esme was out. She got straight to the point, sort of.

"Is she OK, is he OK. Are you OK. I'm so worried."

I thought for a second then counted off my fingers, "She is, he's amazing, yep. Don't be, it's all fine.

Love you Janet, you nutter."

I gave her a big hug, she buried her face in my neck as she habitually did. Janet hugged like a stuffed toy in a kids party, it was marvellous. She was so loving, we were her kids effectively.

She sniffed, "Meeting you two was the greatest thing that ever happened to me. I love you both so much."

"Not as good as it was for us Janet. You saved us and helped us be people."

We chatted on before Esme crashed in with Graham. He looked terrified.

Introductions were made. Janet is only in her late forties even now so isn't too frightening or out of touch, but she's very defensive around us. She wasn't unpleasant with Graham but very guarded, she was sussing him out.

Esme raised the issue, "I've told Graham all about our issues. He knows everything."

Janet nodded, "Oh, wasn't sure. That can't have been easy?"

"No but it was the elephant in the room Janet. We were falling in love so he needed to know. It's part of who I am."

Graham held her hand, "Is it? I wonder if you two are right about that, from where I am you seem to have moved a long way past that. Don't you think you've moved on so much it's just a memory?"

Esme nodded, "Maybe, hopefully. I don't think I really know. We didn't have anything as kids. Only when god gave us Janet did our lives really kick off. It's complicated and changes day by day. There are good times and bad."

Graham hugged Esme.

Janet smiled, "It's good you can talk about it. I was always frustrated that you two felt guilty about what happened to you. You worry what people think, you have nothing to be ashamed of. I understand why you feel that way, but it has always frustrated me."

I held Janet's hand, "We know Janet, the dream would be collective amnesia. We would remember nothing but neither would anyone else. We wouldn't be attached to the abuse we suffered. We wouldn't be defined or categorised by it. That's what haunts us really. It's not guilt, it's more exhaustion. Our past exhausts us."

We sat in silence for a few moments.

Graham smiled, "Since I know how nervous you'll be that I'm good enough for this princess I thought I would buy us all dinner. 6pm at the Italian along the road. If that's OK? Might as well try to convince you while good food is served.

Oh, one more thing. I adore Esme, I will never hurt her and will do all that I can to protect her. Please believe that?"

Esme laughed, "Calm down lad. It's not an interview, Janet doesn't bite.

In fairness, Graham does look after me rather well. It is weird how many times he suggests I'm best protected in bed, with nothing on, but who am I to argue?"

Janet looked embarrassed, "Esme, too much information."

Esme, "Well, you needed to know that I have no mental scars that stop me shagging my lovely man. A lot."

I laughed, "I can vouch for that Janet. It's constant."

She looked even more embarrassed, "Way too much information, but I'm glad."

The rest of the day flew by, all was well. Janet left a relieved woman.

The three of us sat in the flat.

I said, "Test passed, well done Graham."

"You think, did she like me?"

"She did."

Esme appeared from her room wearing just her bra and pants.

"Graham, I need to be protected. Hurry."

Graham said, "Esme, that's a bit rude."

I patted Grahams hand, "Go and do your duty."

He did, at least twice by the sounds emanating from the bedroom.

CHAPTER FOUR - MY LIFE CHANGES

So far so good for Esme. I was a bit younger and had a less structured career so life was taking longer to figure out. The work I had chosen was difficult, challenging and it did remind me of my past, often. I expected it and adjusted to the way life reflected work and work reflected my early life. Oddly it helped me understand that not all criminals are evil, many are simply opportunists. Many get caught in small crimes that simply spiral out of control. Some, like my brother, are victims themselves in some way and it manifests itself in terrible actions.

I think with the pain came a better understanding of what I went through and it did help me understand "why". Ultimately my brother was afraid from the moment he was born, he was terrified of my father and of the other kids. He abused his sisters because we were the only available victims, the only ones he could dominate. He knew what he was doing was wrong but it didn't matter to him, he needed to feel powerful, in control.

I had become friendly with a guy who joined the unit at the same time, Sebastian, or Seb. He was a year older than me but very smart. We always got along but he wasn't the easiest to talk to sometimes, he was slightly on the spectrum but given my complexities we sort of moulded together. I understood his inconsistencies and he appreciated I gave him room to be him.

Seb was quite tall, probably 6ft 2, very thin with a narrow face with piercing blue eyes. He wore his hair unfashionably long and had a straggly, untidy beard. He was a 70s throwback but buried under the mess was a decent looking guy. He just needed to be tidied up. That extended to his clothes, he looked as if he had borrowed clothes from several friends that didn't fit or match. He was desperately in need of a bossy friend.

He surprised me one day when we were in the small kitchen alone chatting when he reached out and took my hand.

He smiled and said, "I'm sorry I'm weird sometimes, you know I'm on the spectrum, I struggle to make conversation."

I laughed, "You're no more troubled than me, honestly. I love being with you, talking to you. Not sure what I would do without you."

He suddenly looked very serious. He lifted his hand to my face and stroked my cheek then leaned forward and kissed me softly on the lips. Just briefly.

"Sorry, I've been wanting to do that for such a long time."

I smiled, "That's OK. Was it just a moment or are you asking to be more than a just a friend?"

"I want to be much more than a friend. I think you're gorgeous, I can't stop thinking about you."

"Really, I had no idea, you've never said anything?"

"I picture you all the time, whenever I masturbate I think of you, I cum so hard."

I laughed, "We maybe need to work on that honestly a little bit Seb. That's something it's better not to admit too soon in a relationship."

"Oh sorry. Just being honest, I really want you."

"So, is it just a sexual thing or more than that?"

"Much more. I want to be with you, love you, protect you, marry you. I want you to be mine forever."

I was shocked, breathless. I felt my pulse thumping in my head, my mouth was dry. I would be worried if I didn't also have solidly erect nipples and moist panties. I was very turned on. Very very turned on.

This was it, that moment.

I stood up and pulled Seb to his feet. I didn't say anything just led him out of the kitchen, along the corridor and into one of he pregnant lady rooms we had in the office. I closed and locked the door behind us and pulled Seb toward me kissing him savagely. I wanted him, now!

Seb kissed me passionately and rubbed his hands over my breasts, I was squirming and gasping as he clumsily grabbed at them. He pushed me back against the table and slid his hand down under my skirt onto my panties. I threw my head back and gasped as I leaned back on my arms pushing my crotch into his hand as he rubbed over me.

"Is it OK to touch you, to feel you."

"Yes, but we have to hurry. We can't stay in here for long. Has to be quick Seb."

He reached over my panties and pulled them down then undid his belt. I wanted him in me so badly it hurt. It was as if the years of fear, doubt, worry needed a release.

I lifted a leg up and pulled his erection to my entrance with me hand. Seb pushed in. I felt him push my lips apart and open up my vagina. I gasped and held onto him. I felt close to orgasm, the situation was overwhelming me.

"Is it OK, did I hurt you?"

"No, no. Just fuck me, please Seb. I need it."

He slid out and ploughed in again, my cunt was streaming as my desire became more and more obvious. He started to fuck me hard, the table was bumping rhythmically against the wall. I lifted up slightly meaning Seb was pushing upwards as well as inwards. It was wonderful, everything Esme described. The new position was too much for me, I grimaced and held him orgasming hard as he held himself inside me. I was gasping in his ear as my pussy fluttered around his cock, oh lord this was incredible.

As my orgasm faded Seb started to pump slowly and carefully. He was gasping louder and louder, he tensed up, his penis seemed to swell and he came inside me. I felt his cock pulse and the warmth flooding me. Several times he expanded inside me as his sperm rushed in, filling my insides. I didn't get scared, think terrible thoughts, it was sex with someone I really wanted to have sex with. He held me, hugging me, kissing me as his penis softened and eventually slipped out. Our fluids ran out of me onto my legs and the floor.

"Thank you Carrie, thank you so much. I've wanted you since I first met you."

"It was lovely, I'm glad I'm safe though or we might be a future Mum and Dad. That was a lot of stuff."

"I didn't think, I'm so sorry."

"It's fine don't worry, could you get me some towels to mop myself up with please?"

I cleaned up as well as I could.

"We need to get out of here, it's supposed to be for pregnant ladies to rest, not get ladies pregnant."

"Are you?"

"No, I'm not. Sorry, I need to learn to be more careful what I say. Can I see you tonight, we've got some stuff to talk about."

"Yes, of course."

"Why don't you come to my flat, we can chat there. Say 7pm?"

"OK. I love you Carrie."

"That's sweet Seb but I'm not sure you do. It's more like lust."

We got lucky, we hadn't been spotted or heard. The afternoon crawled by, as soon as the clock hit five I said goodbye and rushed home. I called Esme on the way home.

"Ez, I need you at home tonight. Without Graham."

"Why, what's up?"

"I had sex with a guy at work I've liked for ages. He screwed me in one of the pregnancy rooms."

"Wow, OK, are you alright?"

"Yes, I've asked him round tonight so you can meet him and I can tell him the story."

"Oh, right, you think it's time for that. This is quite sudden Carrie, are you sure."

"I've known, and been pals, with Seb for a long time. It just became something different this afternoon after he admitted he thought about me when he wanked off."

"Quite the chat up line."

"Yes, he's a bit unusual. He's on the spectrum I think, not much of a filter sometimes."

"As are we, there are many spectrums, we are all on one of them."

"Yes that's true. Don't worry Esme, I like him. It wasn't as mad as it sounds. Well it was, but emotionally it was just admitting we are more than friends."

"Going straight from friends to shagging in a cupboard at work is a leap though isn't it?"

"I couldn't help it, I got carried away."

"I'm pleased for you Sis, honestly. Maybe better not do it too often at work though. It's frowned upon."

"Yes, yes. See you soon. Hurry back."

I told Esme the full story when we met at the flat and showed her pictures of Seb.

"He's quite cute, a hippy type."

"Be kind. He's a sensitive soul."

Seb rang the buzzer at exactly 7pm. I pictured him standing watching the hands of his watch then ringing when the moment struck.

I opened the door and was shocked to see Seb laden with various gifts.

He wriggled through the door handing me flowers and a box of chocolates. I led him through and indicated my gorgeous sister.

"This is my big sister Esme."

Seb shook her hand then handed her flowers and chocolates, "It's lovely to meet you. You are very good looking, really beautiful."

I laughed, "That's nice but let the image slip from your mind for certain purposes Seb."

He looked embarrassed. We sat down and chatted, Seb did quite well. I knew small talk was really hard for him but Ez was very calming and kind. I got the impression she really liked him.

After half an hour I said, "OK, there's something I, we, need to tell you. I like you a lot Seb but I have to tell you something about my life."

"OK."

We told him the story, only the second time in my life I had done it. He went through a range of emotions, he stared at us, he looked away and shook his head. As we reached the end he had tears running down his face. Esme handed him some tissues, he dried himself as best he could. I waited for him to speak, I wasn't sure what to say.

"You are so brave, so courageous. Janet sounds incredible.

I love you so much Carrie. I know you don't love me but I can wait until you understand your feelings. I just want to help you, protect you. Be with you, if you'll have me."

I enveloped him in a hug, as I let him fall back I kissed him softly, lovingly. He sobbed slightly. Poor guy was hurting.

Esme smiled, "Welcome to our weird family Seb."

I didn't really think what I was doing, I just wanted to stop Seb hurting. I slid my hands into his lap unbuttoned his trousers and slid my hand into his pants. I pulled his cock out and started to wank him.

"Carrie, we can't, not here."

Esme sat and watched as I slid to my knees and took Seb's penis in my mouth. He was instantly rock hard as I slid up and down his shaft.

Seb gasped, "Carrie, Esme is here watching, we shouldn't."

As I increased the pace of my sucking Esme stood up and stroked Seb's face.

"I'll go and make us coffee while Carrie finishes what she's doing."

She underestimated my skill, as she said those words Seb cried out, lifted his hips slightly and blasted his sperm into my mouth. She watched as his cock pulsed filling her little sisters mouth with sperm again and again. Seb had his head resting on the settee and was staring at the roof as his balls emptied into his girlfriend while her sister watched.

"Hmmm, you definitely need coffee now."

By the time Esme arrived back with the coffee I had tidied up my mouth and Seb had tucked himself away again.

"Here you are. I got some biscuits Sis, thought you might have an aftertaste to deal with."

"Sorry Esme, just wanted to help Seb cheer up."

Seb laughed, "Mission accomplished."

Esme hugged me, "I loved watching it, we are both over our childhood. We are just normal young women living our lives. It's all behind us."

"It is, you're right? Nothing that happened has to impact what is going to happen."

Seb mumbled, "Is giving me a fantastic blowjob in front of your sister normal?"

We all laughed.

I admitted, "No, not really. That was unusual but so were the circumstances."

We sat and chatted drinking coffee before I led Seb to the bedroom. He stayed the night as I exacted revenge for listening to months of sex noises from Esme's room. I kicked him out at 7am to get ready for work.

CHAPTER 5 - CLOSURE

As I made breakfast Esme wandered through in just her bra and pants. Thank goodness Seb was gone.

She smiled, "Slut!"

I looked shocked, "Why, what did I do?"

"Once in a cupboard, BJ in the living room then a night of mutual pleasure. I lost count of the number of possible orgasms."

"Was nice though."

She hugged me close. I'm not sure why but I opened up my robe and felt her warm skin against my naked body. It was lovely, very intimate. She wrapped her arms round me and laced her leg between mine. Our hair down below touched as we held each other.

"I love you Esme."

"I know, and I love you Carrie."

Esme reached behind me and put her hands on my ass cheeks and held me as she ground herself against me. Her leg lifted up slightly and pressed against my mound, it couldn't be accidental, it wasn't, it was sexual. I reached my hands up and cradled her breasts in my hands tugging at the nipples under her bra. I reached round and unclipped her bra then slid my hands down into the back of her panties. The feel of her skin against me, her leg rubbing me between the legs was fabulous, absolutely fantastic. As I slid my hand round onto her mound inside her panties she gasped and moaned into my ear as she hugged me and writhed against me. She lightly nibbled my ear, my wetness was coating her leg, we were both willing to let this happen, after all these years.

I pulled her panties over her hips and slid them down her legs, she shifted back and wriggled them off. She stared at me with her mouth slightly open, breathing hard.

She muttered, "Do you want to go to bed, do this properly?"

I nodded, "Yes, very much."

I shrugged off my robe and walked naked, behind my naked sister into her room. Esme helped me lie on the bed before mounting me in a 69 position. Her first tender licks were almost too much but I tried to calm down and focus on her as she enjoyed me.

I lay looking up at Esmes gorgeous woman as I felt her tongue slide into me then the tender kisses as she moved forward onto my mound, my clit. I was tempted to just enjoy the experience but her moist pussy was too much to resist, I kissed her then tasted her. Heaven is a place on earth.

You know the details. We spent forty minutes licking, fingering and orgasming. It was wonderful. Neither of us had ever had sex with another woman but it is an easy, natural, thing to do. Women know exactly what to do to another woman, the tenderness is wonderful.

As we lay in each others arms I asked the question, "Why did that happen now?"

Esme kissed me on the lips, "Not sure but it's maybe because we are both confident we are whole people at last. A bit of a "fuck you" to those who tried to destroy us."

I sniggered, "Or you just got horny listening to your sister having sex."

"Maybe. Sorry for attacking you."

"Esme, you know how much I love you. That was nothing. If you ever want to do it again you don't even have to ask. I'm not a lesbian but you don't count, you are like another part of me. I would do anything for you."

"Hmmm, now you say that I would ask you to make me cum again, but it's getting late."

I crawled out of her bed, "Up you get, we can shower together, while you wash I'll deal with the desire. You're all hot and bothered this morning, I can tell. Come and cum."

I can't explain why it happened but we became regular lovers from that point. We had sex when the guys weren't around. It seemed entirely natural despite it only happening when we were older and each of us was in a relationship. I'll ask a therapist some day but it became our little secret.

Then it wasn't.

Around a year later Esme and I visited Janet. We were in the kitchen on Saturday morning having spent the night in our old rooms chatting. It was the usual lovely morning with our saviour. The conversation flowed freely.

Esme just dropped into the conversation, "Oddly the day after Carrie and Sam got together the two of us had sex for the first time. We've been lovers as well as sisters ever since."

Janet chuckled, "Don't bother leading us into that topic Ez."

I glanced over, "Hope you aren't annoyed with us Janet?"

She laughed, "Don't be silly. As long as you are happy I don't care. It's not surprising really, you have a closer bond than most. What difference does it make if you help each other sexually? It makes sense."

Esme nodded, "I think that's right. As soon as we were in a relationship we could let it happen."

Janet stared out the window, "Strangely knowing that seems to finally make me stop worrying. You two are safe, you are OK, whatever happens. You have each other, you don't need anyone else."

Esme nodded, "Makes sense."

The rest of Saturday was easy, relaxing, we helped Janet clear out some old stuff from the our rooms and the packed garage. Very routine, nice and boring. In the evening I cooked dinner while Esme did the admin stuff Janet hated.

Esme said, "Janet, just FYI, Graham and Seb are coming up tomorrow to collect their women."

Janet smiled, "It'll be nice to see them. Have you managed to tidy Seb up yet?"

I looked skyward, "Hair yes, beard yes. Clothes no. Some of the stuff you are throwing out is better than what he wears. I despair, I really do."

Janet laughed, "It's just him. It's part of the charm. They are both great, love them to bits. They look after my little darlings well."

I smiled, "They do, that's true."

Graham and Seb arrived around 4pm to pick us up. We had taken the train on Friday night.

They vanished with Janet as we packed our stuff. We gathered in the kitchen to say goodbye, Janet looked upset.

I asked, "What's wrong Janet?"

Sam said, "There's nothing wrong as such. She has had some warning of events to come."

Graham asked, "Esme will you marry me?"

Sam asked, "Carrie will you marry me?"

Esme and I looked at each other.

She said, "It's a yes from me."

I said, "And it's a yes from me."

Cue eruption, riot and much happiness. We stayed the night and celebrated. The men had colluded and had plans in place. Married on the same day in the same venue. Graham and Esme would look for a house and we would keep the flat.

Janet insisted on paying for the wedding venue despite lengthy arguments.

The only slight kink was me being clumsy and getting pregnant two months before the wedding. Oops. Janet gave me my first ever row. Then skipped around very happy.

It was OK, there wasn't much of a visible bump on the day. Esme set a better example, she was pregnant three months after the wedding. Why is she always perfect?

Strangely, we both had girls. My little Lottie Jackson followed a few months later by Esme's wee darling, Abbie Mulligan.

I eventually had three kids. Matthew or Mat was born two years after Lottie and Lisa eighteen months later. Esme stopped at two. She had Ryan two years after Abbie.

We both worried how we would deal with male children. We talked to the guys and to Janet but ultimately we shouldn't have worried. We loved the little guys just as much as the girls, differently, but equally. None of the fears surfaced as they grew up because they were normal, happy, well adjusted kids. It made us realise that whatever made our brother the person he was took his life from him. As I have said before, that's the mystery, why did he become that person?

Our husbands were wonderful men, perfect husbands to us in my case for more than fifty years. Esme lost Graham a bit too early, he was only 71 when he fell ill and passed away quite suddenly. She was a widow at 69 but had a very happy life with two kids and three grandchildren to occupy her. We always lived minutes away from one another and saw each other every day, I just couldn't be apart from Esme.

Janet was with us until she was 91. The nicest, happiest, kindest human who ever lived. A wonderful woman who loved watching the virtual grandchildren grow up and make lives.

From the ashes of defective, cruel, violent, abusive childhood came nothing but good.

Our kids don't know we had a brother and don't know their grandfathers name. If they want to find out, they can, but we will never talk about those days or those people. Janet has explained a bit about what happened and they've been respectful of our need to leave it in the past.

This is a tale of hope and redemption. We were very lucky we met Janet but I'm fairly sure we would have overcome the start we had. Once we escaped our Father and brother our lives began.

My greatest sadness is always reserved for Mum. I wish we could have helped her, help repair her. We didn't really know Mum but inside there was a kind, caring, person caught up in a terrible life.

Mum didn't stand a chance because no one was prepared to do for her what Janet did for us. Why didn't someone reach out a hand? Why did they look the other way?