Dungeon Crawler Cari

That morning I'd gotten to work early. Like, early early. The fitness classes I taught started at 5:30. In the morning. Yes, people do take fitness classes at 5:30am. Hell, they'd probably be there even earlier if they could. I mean, there are 24-hour gyms for a reason and the people taking the class were showing up at practically 5:00 on the dot so they can change into their workout clothes and discuss their newest protein shake blends or whatever. So I was there at 4:30 to get ready before they got ready.

Did I want to be at a gym at 4:30 in the morning? No, because that meant I was waking up at 3:30 in order to get there. That's the middle of the night. I'm not a night owl or anything, but I was not getting paid enough to get up at 3:30 in the morning.

So why was I working what was basically the night shift at the fitness center and getting up before dawn? Because it was better than working at the chain coffee shop where I'd been working for the past three years. That also involved getting up in the middle of the night and being there to set up before we opened at 5am. It's like the universe wanted to make me a morning person.

But, despite having to get up at the same time in the morning and despite the pay being more or less the same, teaching the fitness class was at least something that was somewhat related to what I actually wanted to do with my life. What I'd actually gone to school for.

Yes, I know, who gets a degree in exercise science? Me, that's who.

So I was there at 4:30 in the morning because I was used to getting up that God damn early and because I didn't want to fuck this up and have to go back to selling overpriced coffee. It was only my second week in the job and the first time I was there by myself.

So, of course, I locked myself out.

I'd forgotten my water bottle in the car and went out to grab it and left my keys (and phone) inside the fitness center.

So I was standing there, locked out of both the fitness center and my car, wondering how my life could get any worse. I was pulling on the door to the center, as though it would magically become unlocked, when it did.

Or rather a door became unlocked. Before me I saw a dimly lit stairwell leading down and away from me. I looked through the glass door to the right and saw that there was no stairway that had suddenly appeared in the fitness center entranceway.

I was puzzling over what was going on and figured the lack of sleep had finally gotten to me when the voice appeared in my head.

I say "voice" but, well, I'd never experienced telepathy before. Whatever it was, suddenly a voice that sounded like it was written in ALL CAPS started saying something I didn't understand and then there was a feedback squeal so loud that I literally fell to the ground holding my ears. Not that this helped, as the feedback was being pumped directly into my brain.

After an all too long moment, it stopped and the voice continued, though this time I could understand it. Well, understand the meaning if not the actual words.

What? The what? The what of what?? Like, I knew what a sex dungeon was. Or at least I thought so. It was, as far as I knew, some poorly lit room with a St. Andrew's Cross and other stuff where people going through midlife crises went in order to get tied up and spanked, right?

Okay, so this was not that sort of sex dungeon. And how did they keep saying the ™ like that? I had no idea what was going on and was staring blankly down the stairs that had shown up a few minutes before.

Someone else, however, clearly was more on the ball than I was as the voice soon returned to my mind.

There was a pause.

Another pause.

WHY YOUR PLANET? LOOKING AT YOUR "INTERNET" WE FIGURED YOU WERE ALL THE DISGUSTING PERVERTS WE WERE LOOKING FOR AND WHAT DO YOU MEAN I'M STILL BROADCASTING? SHUT IT OFF! shUT IT--

And then the voice stopped in another squeal of feedback.

I looked at the stairs again. I did not want to go down them. But the chances of this being a dream were pretty high and a dream of walking down a weird staircase to the Sexlympics™ seemed preferable to the anxiety dream I was having where I'd locked myself out of my job.

So I stepped forward and descended the stairs.

The stairs were--Honestly, I don't remember what the stairs looked like. They were stairs. You describe the last set of stairs you walked down. It doesn't matter what they looked like.

I emerged into a wide hallway that would have looked like it was from some mid-budget fantasy TV series from the early 2000s except that it was lit with LED strip lightning instead of flaming torches. The walls were made of large, rough hewn bricks, though they looked like they'd just been installed and didn't exactly have the ancient look they seemed to be going for. I tapped one and I was pretty sure it was made of styrofoam. The floor on the other hand was covered with what looked like fairly standard kitchen tiles. Blue and white with some sort of design on them I couldn't see in the dim light.

I turned around and the staircase was gone. See? I told you it didn't matter.

Another voice appeared in my head and text appeared in my vision again. This time it was, at least, not spoken in ALL CAPS.

We welcome you to the Sex Dungeon™ experience. Here you'll be invited to sexily show off your sexy Sex™ skills at all the types of Sex™ to our audience of billions

Yeah, billions, sure.

A semi-transparent map appeared in my vision that showed where the nearest training center was. Why I didn't enter there instead of having to walk the equivalent of several blocks, I don't know. I followed the map as best I could, though let me tell you having a glowing map filling up your vision makes it harder to follow a map than you'd think.

I'd just managed to figure out that if I thought at the right part of the map (no, I can't explain it any better than that) it shrank down to a smaller version in the lower corner of my vision when I turned the corner and encountered a goblin.

How did I know it was a goblin? Because it was three feet tall, had pointy ears, and was bright green.

It turned towards me and that's when I saw that he was also buck naked and stroking an erect cock that probably wasn't that big if you put it on an average sized human, but on this goblin it seemed massive.

I screamed and kicked it in the head. Which seems impressive until you remember: "three feet tall." He went down and I ran past him without looking back as I headed towards the Training Center.

I saw a neon sign proclaiming "PolySEXnic Institute" and wrenched open the glass and metal door below it that looked completely out of place in the dungeon hallway, slamming it closed behind me.

"Oh, like, hey!" a melodic voice greeted me. "Are you, like, one of those sex crazy humans here for the contest?"

"We're not all sex crazy--" I began as I turned to look at the voice and then I screamed again.

There was a human-sized orange something with three breasts standing on the other side of the room. It was also stroking its erect cock.

"Oh, dang, like, that sucks," said the orange creature, somehow removing their erect cock.

I screamed for a third time and quickly turned to leave but in my haste I managed to run into a shelf next to the door, knocking it on top of me as I fell to the floor in a daze.

"Hey, like, watch the merchandise," the orange creature cried out as a plethora of unidentifiable objects fell on top of me.

"I'm sorry," I managed to say while lying on the floor. From here I could see that the designs on the blue and white floor tiles consisted of various creatures fucking in every way you could imagine. Yes, even that one.

The orange creature came over, pulled the shelf off me and put it back up against the wall, and offered me a hand up. "I'm Aelia."

I grabbed their hand and they pulled me to my feet. "Uh, I'm Cari," I replied. Then, without really even thinking about it, I helped them gather up the objects I'd knocked on the floor and started putting them back on the shelf. About halfway through I realized that they were very expensive looking sex toys. There were dildos in a lot of different colors and shapes, a bunch of whatever people call the opposite of a dildo, butt plugs, cockrings, and some other things I couldn't even begin to guess how to use.

"They like told us that like all the humans were like totally sex crazy maniacs and I thought maybe we could like you know..." Aelia said to me as we picked up the sex toys. I did not know how to respond to this.

"So, like, are you interested?" Aelia asked. "I can get the cock again if you like, or like you can pick out one of these!" they gestured towards the shelf of toys.

I shook my head.

"Ugh, like, this is just so typical. I get the like only *#$@!@# human who isn't like obsessed with sex." Aelia walked over to a blue couch, grabbed some clothes that were draped over the couch's arm, and began pulling on black leggings and a gray hoodie with "SEX DUNGEON" written on the front like it was a university's name,

"We're not all sex-obsessed weirdos," I managed to say.

"Are you like totally sure?" Aelia replied. "Because I have like totally seen your internet and like you all seem like really @#$%*#$ horny."

"No, that's," I paused. "Yes, okay, maybe humans are pretty horny. But we're not all horny all the time."

"So like why'd ya come into the Sex Dungeon™ if you aren't like totally horny and into sex?"

"I am still 90% sure that this is a dream."

"Yah, yah, like, we all totally thought that at first too, but anyway, I guess if we're not gonna like bang than I should like give you the introduction to this @#$%*#$ thing or whatever." They gestured towards the couch and indicated that I should sit down. Not sure what else to do, I walked over and sank into the couch.

Aelia stood in front of me and suddenly there was a screen next to them hovering in mid-air where slides appeared as they talked.

"So like I'm your advisor for this thing which I totally wanted to do. Anyway, like there are totally a bunch of levels and you have to like get through them right? And you'll like meet other humans and like other creatures. You can like fight them or fuck them or you know whatever. Like fightfuck them? Wait, like that totally doesn't sound right. "Fightfuck?" Do you like not have a word for fightfucking in whatever language you speak?"

"English?"

"You like call fightfucking "English"?"

"No, I speak English."

"Whatever. LIke, I'll take it from your totally clueless face that you don't know what fightfucking is. Loser."

I was about to complain, but figured there wasn't much point to it.

"So, like there'll be like challenges and whatever and like you'll find upgrades. You should like totally use the upgrades when you get them. They'll like make you sooooo much better at like fighting or fucking or fightfucking."

Aelia continued to go over some tutorial things that seemed like I should have known before I'd encountered a goblin and I quickly realized that I was better off reading the slides instead of trying to interpret all her vocal fry and uptalk. Thankfully the system allowed me to download all of them and go through them at my own pace.

I learned that the Sex Dungeon™ apparently moved from world to world, providing entertainment to the galaxy at large by doing sex things (yes it was that vague). To encourage participation there were apparently fabulous prizes and, while the voice at the beginning had said that everyone who didn't enter would be killed, it turned out that actually, most people in the world had been sent to some other dungeon (one that didn't have fightfucking but did have a higher budget) and that this one was limited to 1% of the Earth's population who were over the age of 20.

The other dungeon seemed to be incredibly violent with explosions and people getting killed all the time. This one seemed "better" as anyone who "died" was teleported to some sort of weird combination daycare and school planet and sold into indentured servitude. Incredibly traumatic, but probably better than the alternative.

"Wait, why 20?" I asked Aelia when she got to that point. "I know this is a sex thing, but that's not the age of consent."

"Oh my Gawd, they like tried to figure out what the hell you humans are doing but you have like a dozen cultures and languages or something, right? And you have like all these different rules and laws and thingies and some of you count ages differently. The people running this decided that like you all use a base 10 number system, so they decided to like just use that."

"Okay..." That almost made sense. Still, better than teenagers ending up in this place.

Aelia went off on a tangent complaining about how stupid our base-10 number system was and how base 12 was obviously superior, so I went back to studying the slides.

Supposedly, among those many potentially billions of viewers there were ways to get followers, likes, and donations which would help you do better in the various levels of the game. I was able to pull up my virtual profile page and saw that currently I had one follower, who turned out to be Aelia. I figured it was probably automatic.

Next, in addition to the map (which I could make disappear and reappear entirely if I wanted), I found I also had access to an inventory screen, equipment, and stats.

My inventory was empty (of course), but I was at least wearing clothing, so I took a look at my "equipment."

Black +0 leggings of fitness

Blue +0 workout tank top

Red +0 sports bra of fitness

Black +0 boy cut panties

White +0 no-show socks

Before I had a chance to look at my stats Aelia interrupted me.

"Wow, you like really didn't come with a lot of stuff for this place, huh?" Aelia asked. "Did you not like prepare for the Sex Dungeon™???"

"I told you, I didn't know what it was until I entered it."

"Oh my gawwwwd," said Aelia, rolling their eyes. "I cannot believe they like gave me such a total #%!@$ loser as like my trainee. Like are you even going to become like a totally great sex warlock and cast like magic sex spells or whatever at this rate?

"Hey, I'm not a loser," I protested, but they didn't seem convinced.

"Well, like, you should at least get my pronouns right, loser. I'm like a girl."

I wasn't sure whether I wanted to ask them... ask her how she knew I was using "they" in my thoughts or whether the "like a girl" in this case actually meant "similar to a girl" or something else, but I realized it probably wasn't worth it.

"Oh, uhm, sorry."

"Like whatever," Aelia said, her slides seemingly finished. "Okay, so like, the first thing you gotta do now is like pick your Starter Pack. Your Starter Pack gives you like weapons and stats and stuff, yeah?"

Aelia gestured towards me as though handing me something. I grabbed the nothing she was holding in her hand and three different options flashed up into my vision.

"Wait a second," I said. "These are just normal jobs. Isn't this supposed to be like a video game? Shouldn't the options be wizard or barbarian or something."

"So, like, you know a lot of wizards do you?"

"You literally just told me I could become a warlock and cast magic spells!"

"They like tried giving contestants those skills and junk in like previous editions of the game and like everyone totally died by like casting fireballs without knowing what they were doing. So like, now they really did like a lot of research to like find things that match your real history and stuff to like ease you into the game. You'll like pick a like Sexventurer™ Class or whatever if you like complete this level. And before you like ask, yes it's totally because they cost sooooo much money and they want like a bunch of you to die or whatever before they have to like give them out. They're like supposed to be based on stuff you already know how to do."

"Okay, so why isn't my actual job on the list?"

"LIke, when did you start it?" Somehow, Aelia had started chewing gum and blew a large pink bubble after asking this.

"Last week."

"Well like obviously it hasn't been updated since like last year or something?"

"Great, just great."

"Well, like, you should totally hurry up and figure out which one you want to like take or whatever."

I looked at the options again and, despite my instincts, I couldn't help ask Aelia another question.

"I was a cheerleader for less than one semester in high school. That was over a decade ago! Why is that there? Why isn't all the time I spent delivering food for DoorDash on there?" I didn't think that would be particularly useful as a background, but maybe it would have given me a car or at least a bicycle.

"Well, like, they want to like ease you into this but like they still want you to be like you know, sexy."

"Right, sexy, Sex Dungeon of course."

"Sex Dungeon™," replied Aelia.

"Cheerleader and student I get, but barista isn't exactly a porn thing, is it?"

Aelia started talking like they were quoting a Wikipedia article.

"In the early 2000s the concept of "bikini barista" began to be popularized in the Pacific NorthWest of the USA. Scantily clad women, not always in bikinis, served coffee from drive-thru--"

"Okay, okay, I get it." I was definitely not going to become a bikini barista.

"Anyway, hurray up and pick your starter pack. You'll get like a new outfit, statboosts, and skills and like everything."

I went back to the starter packs and looked at them in detail. I was relieved that the outfits they came with were not the incredibly sexualized porn versions I'd expected.

The Student pack outfit looked like a Catholic schoolgirl. If you're reading this you already know what that looks like.

Stats: +1 to Intelligence; +1 to Wisdom

Equipment: +1 plaid skirt; +1 knee socks; +1 mary jane shoes

Weapons: +1 ruler

Skill: +1 to Reading (magical texts)

The Cheerleader pack featured a blue and white one-piece cheerleader outfit that looked like something out of an old Archie comic.

Stats: +1 dexterity; +1 strength

Equipment: +1 cheerleader uniform dress; +1 ankle socks; +1 sneakers

Weapons: +1 pompoms

Skill: +1 to Jump

The barista outfit looked identical to the one I'd worn in my previous job except without any logos on it.

Stats: +1 constitution; +1 charisma

Equipment: +1 apron; +1 khakis; +1 black polo shirt

Weapons: +1 coffee grinder

Proficiencies: +1 to Identify (concoctions and potions)

"I'm going to regret asking this, but these outfits don't exactly look particularly porn-y."

"Yeah, well, like, every time you go up a level you'll get like upgrades to your outfit."

"Upgrades that will make the outfit more revealing?"

"Yeah, like, probably I guess," she said while scrolling through her phone.

"You're my advisor, right? So could you maybe advise me?"

"Oh right, like, I'm suppose to give you like help or whatever. So, like, since you're a barista I recommend you take that on as it'll give you--"

"I'm not a barista!"

"Like, this says you were a barista for," she looked at her phone. "Like a bunch of years." She snapped her gum.

I looked at the options again.

"I'm choosing Cheerleader."

"But like didn't you say you like totally weren't a cheerleader."

"Yeah, I wasn't. But I'm not dressing up like a barista or a school girl."

I clicked the box with my mind and nothing happened.

"Uh, should something happen?"

"Yeah yeah, just hold on a minute okay? Geez, humans."

There was a knock at the door. Aelia ran over, opened it, and returned with a large paper shopping bag.

"Here you go!" she said, passing it to me.

Inside were the cheerleader uniform and the blue and silver pompoms.

"So now what?"

"OMG. Now you get changed."

"Here? Now?"

"Like, what do you want? You're going to be having people watch you like all the time now that you're here."

I took the items out of the bag and placed them on the couch. They looked more or less like what the image had looked like.

"Usually in dreams you're naked in front of a room full of people," I muttered to myself. "Not undressing in front of one of them."

I stripped down to my sports bra and panties and grabbed the dress.

"Like, you totally don't really need that do you?"

"Need what?"

"Like, the bra? You don't need to wear it."

Look, I'll admit that half the time I didn't actually wear bras as my tatas didn't exactly need them and the only reason I had one on that day was because someone in the class I'd taught the week before had complained to my boss about my nipples being visible through my tank top.

"They're not that small."

"Like, I just meant they don't have stat boosts."

I decided to ignore Aelia.

I pulled on the long-sleeved dress (it had a big "S" on the front), then put on the socks and shoes. They were both blue and white and matched the dress. The socks had tiny pompoms on the sides. After putting everything on, I felt exactly the same.

"So like, you give me your old clothes and I'll like get rid of them for you."

"No, I think I'll keep them, thanks."

I went to add them to my inventory and saw that my profile picture had been updated to show me wearing the cheerleader uniform. I looked ridiculous, though at least it wasn't the barista uniform. I briefly shuddered at the memory of wearing it.

"So like you'll get experience points like every time you make a monster cum or one makes you cum."

"What if I just fight it?"

"Well, like, I guess if you knock it out or whatever you'll like get experience points, but like, you're in like the Sex Dungeon™? Why would you want to fight them?"

"I'm going to fight them."

"Well, like, good luck or whatever I guess," she said to me as I went back out into the dungeon.

***

***Several hours later***

I bopped the naked goblin on the head with one of my pompoms and he fell to the ground. After numerous tests I had discovered that hitting them with the pompoms did more damage than without.

I looted the body, adding peach flavored condoms, blueberry lube, and a roll of purple bondage tape to my inventory. I felt like I now had every flavor of condom and lube possible, but more kept showing up. I honestly would have preferred not to know that you could get bacon flavored condoms.

The body of the goblin shimmered and disappeared and then text appeared in front of me.

Stat Upgrade:

+1 to Kicking

+1 to Bopping

+1 to Jumping

CHOOSE YOUR POWERUP

+1 to Dexterity; +1 to Strength

or

Keep the same equipment

"Uh, Aelia," I said, reaching out through the in-menu messaging system.

A virtual version of Aelia popped into existence next to me.

"Yeah, like, what?"

"I just leveled up and it gave me two options and one of them seems like actively bad." I shuddered as I realized I'd just said "like."

"Ohhhh, didn't I like already tell you about like the equipment thingie or whatever?"

"Maybe. One of the options is to keep my current equipment and the other is to get some attribute increases. This has to be a trap right?"

"Well, like, only sorta kinda. Like, if you don't pick the equipment option, your current equipment will change."

"Change to what?"

"Like, I don't know. Do I look like an encyclopedia to you? It usually just means like something more sexual or whatever."

"Oh," I thought for a moment. "So it's gain attributes that would benefit me or keep this current outfit."

Honestly, I'd kind of gotten used to the cheerleader outfit, but not enough to want to keep it instead of getting stat upgrades. I selected the attribute update, hoping whatever it changed into wouldn't be that bad.

Immediately, I could feel the outfit shimmering around me and then something like a magical girl transformation scene occurred. After the ribbons and flowers had disappeared I looked down and saw that I was no longer wearing the long-sleeved dress, but now a matching blue and white miniskirt and sleeveless top. Sure, the miniskirt was several inches shorter than the dress had been, but since the socks now went all the way up my knees I was technically showing less leg.

It was not as bad as I'd feared. The game really seemed to be letting us deal with some of this stuff gradually.

A message popped up in my vision.

-5 to Charisma

I sent Aelia another message.

"Hey, what's with this unkempt thing, it's ruining my charisma score."

"Oh, like, your outfit just changed right?"

"Yeah, but I don't see why that would do anything--"

"Did you check your underwear?"

I hadn't even considered that my underwear might change because it was my underwear, not underwear given to me by the dungeon. If they could magically change my clothing why had they made me change into the cheerleader outfit in the first place? But now that Aelia had mentioned it I realized that it did feel different. I glanced around to make sure nobody was nearby and pulled up my skirt and saw that I was now wearing a pink thong.

"How does wearing a thong make me unkempt?"

Aelia looked at me as though I'd grown a second head.

"Like, come on you can't be this stupid can you? It's your pubic hair. It's like peaking out the sides of your thong."

I looked down again and saw that there was a bit of dark pubic hair peaking out the sides of the thong.

"That's worth -5 Charisma? Nobody can even see it!"

"LIke, it's totally gnarly to show off your pubic hair."

"I'm not showing it off!"

"Like, whatever."

I sighed. "What do I do?"

"Well, like, you can get some other underwear somewhere, but like you probably won't find anything less revealing."

"Of course."

"Of like, you can go to a town and deal with it girl! Like, you do know what to do about pubic hair, right?"

***

"The sign says it's 100 gold for a bikini wax."

"Yes, good deal, good deal!" The short blue goblin behind the counter seemed very excited at the prospect that I was going to get a bikini wax. I'd been nervous about entering the village, but at least this goblin was wearing pants, though there was something about his sideburns that seemed off to me.

"And it's 50 gold to get a landing strip."

"Yes, yes!" He seemed even more excited.

"And 1 gold for a full Brazilian. How do you even know what a Brazilian is?"

"Type of nut, yes? All smooth!"

"I'm not sure I understand your pricing system."

"Lower price because I get to keep hair and--"

"No, that's okay, don't tell me any more. I don't want to know."

I looked at my inventory and saw that I had a paltry 17 gold so far. I would have taken the hit to my Charisma stat, but half of the people in this town had actively avoided me when I got there and some of them had actually thrown rocks at me.

"Fine, let's do the Brazil nut one."

I transferred one gold dollar to the goblin and he led me to a back room and told me to pull down my underwear.

I hesitated for a moment, but just went with it. I noticed the "viewer count" in the corner of my vision tick up slightly.

The goblin spent entirely too long staring at me and muttering to himself before he said something out loud in a language I didn't understand and snapped his fingers. I looked down and saw that all of my pubic hair was gone. Not shaved, not waxed, just gone. I felt weirdly exposed. I hadn't been completely bare down there since I'd broken up with Zack a few years before.

"Will this grow back?"

"What?" the goblin said, seemingly scandalized. "No! My hair now!" He ran over to a small chest on a shelf and stood in front of it protectively.

I pulled the thong back up and checked my stats, seeing that the UNKEMPT status and decrease to my Charisma had disappeared.

"Uh, thank you." I said to the goblin before heading back out to bop more things with my pompoms.

***

I bopped the red hobgoblin with my pompom and it poofed out of existence in an explosion of glitter. Numbers flashed up in the corner of my vision as I gained experience, but more importantly a glowing treasure chest appeared floating in the air in front of me. Well, in front of and above me.

I stared at the chest floating in the air. It was, I knew, too high for me to reach even with my +2 to Jump. But that didn't stop me spending several minutes doing my best Caitlin Clark impression and jumping as high as I could into the air attempting to grab it.

Throwing things at the chest also didn't help.

I'm not short. Like, not short short. Sure, I'm below average and reaching the top shelf is not something I'm generally capable of. In real life a stepladder or a chair or a box or whatever is there to help me out.

Here? Well, I made do by dragging the bodies of the goblins who hadn't disappeared into a pile until it was high enough I could clamber on top of them (the groans some of them made as I did this indicated they weren't unconscious and some of them were definitely enjoying being stepped on) and reached for the box, which came out of the air with absolutely no resistance once I touched it because of course it did.

Inside the box were 5 gold, which I added to my inventory, and a potion called "Increase Size."

"Haha, very funny," I said out loud. Aelia had told me that the people running the game liked to fuck with the players and giving me a potion of size increase after spending twenty minutes trying to get to a box floating above my head seemed like it fit that criteria.

So I untwisted the cap--yes, it had a twist off cap, they didn't exactly seem to be going for the full fantasy aesthetic here--and swallowed it because, at this point, I hadn't realized just what "fucking with contestants" meant.

As soon as I swallowed it--it tasted like strawberry coffee lube by the way, I know you're wondering-- I immediately had a fear that if I grew taller my cheerleader outfit wouldn't fit anymore.

Aelia had told me that clothes in the dungeon were made of something that grew or shrank with our bodies. Unless it was funnier that it didn't.

I felt a wave of warmth flow through my body and I was beginning to realize that drinking this potion was probably a terrible idea. But instead of growing taller I only felt one thing growing. My ass.

My hands reached down behind me and I could literally feel my ass getting larger and the thong getting eaten by my ass cheeks as it grew.

"Fuck fuck fuck fuck," I was muttering as I tried to look over my shoulder to see exactly how much my ass had grown when text appeared in my vision.

Hey, now people might finally like it when you leave.

A second achievement popped up before the first one even left my vision.

Hours of squats wouldn't get you an ass like this.

I jumped down off the pile of goblins and I felt my ass move. I took a step and the only word there was for what happened was "jiggle." It jiggled. My ass jiggled. Like, each independent ass cheek bounced every time I took a step. My butt cheeks rubbed against each other in a way that was entirely foreign to me.

I'm sure that if your ass grows at a normal rate you don't even realize it's happening, but when your ass suddenly grows three sizes like you're some sort of porno version of the Grinch then you better believe that you can feel the change.

I sent Aelia a message and she told me to meet her at a nearby safe house since it was almost time for the daily "highlights."

I hurried down seemingly identical corridors until I found the safe house. I swear I could feel my ass moving with every step.

The safe house was called The Centerfold Club and looked like a mid-tier strip club. Inside there were NPCs of various genders and bodytypes gyrating on stages or walking around offering drinks and absolutely no customers other than Aelia.

I sat down opposite her and my much cushier ass made it a new experience.

"You told me I should use upgrades I found! This one just made my ass huge!"

"Like, yes, I totally told you to use upgrades. I did not tell you to drink random potions. Like, if you had taken the barista starter pack like I'd told you, then you'd like have "Identify" as a skill and you'd have like totally known what it did before you drank it."

Damn it, she was right.

"Anyway, can I like see your @$$??? Like, how juicy is it?"

I ordered a beer and some chicken strips from a passing waiter and we watched the "highlights" package on the TV above the bar. Aelia told me it was what the most popular humans had been getting up to in the last 24 hours.

"Like, you're not in it, of course," she muttered to herself. "Haven't *&$#@$ anything..."

On the screen, some skinny guy was giving blowjobs to seemingly an entire tribe of goblins. There was a line of them and they were just marching past him as he went to town sucking their cocks. The next scene featured a woman with a strap-on doing basically the same thing, but in reverse, going from goblin to goblin and fucking them in the ass until they came.

"Like, how did she get a strap-on already?" Aelia asked after the show was over.

"I'm going to turn in," I said, indicating that I was going to go sleep in one of the "bed chambers" that was connected to every safe house. Apparently they were only for sleeping and if you had sex in them you'd get in trouble.

Aelia waved one hand vaguely in my direction. She seemed to be looking up strap-ons on her phone.

I paused. The highlights show had looped and was playing again.

"One question."

"Like, go for it or whatever."

"Why are all the goblins circumcised?"

***

*A few days later*

"Like, I totally told you not to put on anything you find without checking it!"

"You told me not to drink any more potions and I haven't."

"I like definitely said not to put on any equipment you found."

"It said it was a ring! It said it gave +2 to Charisma. Everything seemed fine."

"Like, was it fine?"

"... no..."

"What happened?"

"I looted the ring and put it in my inventory. It looked like a normal ring so I chose to equip it and..."

"And?"

"And I felt a sudden sharp pain in my stomach area and suddenly I had a navel piercing."

"That doesn't seem too bad."

"I can't take it off, it says it's cursed."

"But you said it was like +2 Charisma right? What's the problem?"

"The problem is that it's a sparkly pink heart dangle piercing that gives me +5 to Slut. And that my top shrank several inches up and the waist on my skirt went several inches down to ensure that it's always visible."

"Well, like, I told you that you shouldn't equip things without knowing what they are. Anyway, when are you gonna like @#$%* someone? Or are you just gonna be like a stuck up bitch the entire time you're here? You haven't even like talked to another human since you like got here?"

"Wait, did you just say "bitch"? I thought you couldn't swear."

"Like, what? Bitch! Bitch! @#$%* yeah! Bitch! Oh, like, it must not have gotten caught in the swear filters."

"I guess it's also a word." I thought about explaining some of the intricacies of swearing, but Aelia had already gotten up and was wandering around the club calling every NPC she encountered a bitch.

***

*The Last Day*

I sat across from Aelia in another strip club (this one was called The Pussy's Den).

"Hey bitch!!! Like how did it go? Did you like beat him up?"

I'd just gotten back from the floor boss. The rules stated that the only way to "defeat" them was to reduce their HP to zero or make them cum.

After talking over strategy with Aelia, and telling her I definitely wasn't going to fuck whoever it was, I'd entered the boss area a few hours before with the intention of trying to beat them up. The goblins and hobgoblins I'd been fighting for the last few days were all now pretty easy for me to beat, though I was still only level 2.

I'd gone through the door, fearing the worst, and instead I found Zack's apartment.

Zack, my ex from several years ago. Zack the hottest and stupidest guy I'd ever dated. Zack who said he'd go down on me if I got my pussy waxed and then did it exactly once. I'd gone out with him for far too long because, even without cunnilingus, the sex was really good.

I looked around and I immediately realized it wasn't Zack's apartment because it wasn't littered with soda cans and socks and the person who looked like Zack was sitting on the couch reading a book, which was not something Zack had ever, to my knowledge, voluntarily done. Plus, he was green.

He was also, to my great surprise, a total gentleman. He offered me my choice of beverages (not just soda!), asked if I wanted to sit down, and apologised for not having finished reading the romantasy novel he claimed I'd lent him.

We just talked. Or rather, I talked and he listened to me complain about the dungeon and everything I was dealing with. Earth Zack had been hot but also had the emotional maturity of a small dog.

Not-Zack made me feel comfortable and when his arm slipped around my shoulders I let him and when he kissed me I let him. And when he offered to eat me out I let him and all the stress and horror of the last week melted away as his tongue slipped between the folds of my pussy and he brought me to a roaring orgasm.

After a few minutes I recovered and returned the favor. Yes, I know I had intended to fight him, but I was caught up in the moment.

I stripped out of the rest of my clothes before licking his cock from base to tip, then allowing the whole thing into my mouth, but honestly it wasn't long before I'd pushed him down onto the couch and mounted him. My still slick pussy gliding down onto his hard cock. I began riding him and fucked him solid until I came again.

Exhausted, I rolled off him panting.

In the corner of my vision I saw my stats go up:

+1 to Cocksucking

+1 to Riding

"So," I began, my breath slowly returning. "When does the system say that I beat you?"

"Oh, you have to make me cum."

I looked at him. The real Zack wouldn't have lasted that long. In fact, I don't think a single guy I'd ever been with would have lasted long after what I'd just done.

"You didn't cum? I can, uh, I can suck your cock some more." I suddenly felt weirdly embarrassed as the post-orgasmic haze began to fade.

"I can only cum from titfucking."

"You only--what?"

I looked down at my small breasts. This might be harder than I thought it was going to be.

I knelt in front of not-Zack, but even pushing my breasts together they barely did much and not-Zack was more just rubbing his cock up and down across my chest.

"Maybe if we try a different angle," I suggested, but whether I was on my back, knees, or on all fours bending over his cock, I never even managed to half cover his cock.

"I'm sorry babe, but this just isn't working. Don't worry about it though, I had a great time."

"So I have to kill you?"

"Oh, no."

Suddenly, I felt myself flat on my back with a glowing purple blade at my throat.

"I won't let you do that."

I could feel my hit points dropping and he wasn't even doing anything.

"Okay, okay, stop it."

Just as fast as it had appeared the sword disappeared and not-Zack was apologising for it.

***

"Then I got dressed and came to find you."

"Okay, so like they always make the first boss something that people are like totally "afraid" of or embarrassed or self-conscious about or don't want to do or have like hang ups." said Aelia. "Usually," she said, really drawing the word out as long as possible, "it's anal sex."

Aelia looked at me.

I looked back at her. "Uh, yes?" I asked.

"So like do you totally love anal sex or like what?"

"It's," I paused. "It's fine."

"But like titjobs?"

"Well, I can't say I have much experience with them."

She continued staring at me.

"Okay, fine, I admit it. Some men have been disappointed by the size of my breasts and it's made me feel self conscious about it. Thankfully, those relationships never lasted that long, but it's on my mind sometimes when I'm dating someone.

"So like do you want bigger tits?"

"What, no. I'm happy with the ones I have."

"So you're going to kill not-Zack then?"

"I don't think I can."

"Yeah, like, probably not! But like it's a part of the game or whatever, right? And you said you don't want bigger tits, so it's either that or you die."

"Wait, what?"

"Like, they told you this! The only way to like finish the level is to defeat the "boss" who's been assigned to you. And you like defeat them by either like killing them or making them cum. You like just told me that this guy totally can't cum unless he's fucking a pair of tig ol' bitties, so like, you have to kill him."

I thought for a moment. Could I kill him? I thought about the glowing purple sword.

"I guess," I took a breath, "I do want bigger breasts if it'll help me finish this level."

"Okay, so like you only have a few hours left, so like a lot of options are totally unavailable."

"What do I need to do?"

"So remember that potion you took that made your ass bigger?"

I turned and looked over my shoulder.

"How could I forget"

"Well, like, they totally make them for other body parts and you can just buy them."

***

I left the strip club after having Aelia spend entirely too much time explaining the many different ways I could make my breasts grow before she finally returned to telling me about the potions. I walked out into the village square and approached the potion shop called "Wenzie's Potions & Things (the things are also potions)." I'd walked past it earlier, but after my experience with the ass growing potion I'd avoided it as Aelia had told me at this point they probably weren't worth my money.

A sign in the window proclaimed "Our prices potions are crazy!!!"

Inside the shop, I spent a few minutes looking at the potions, which came in every color and type of bottle you could imagine. None of them actually said what they did. If there were any labels they said things like "BB+++" which could have meant pretty much anything. My Apocathery skill was sitting at 0, so it wasn't any help.

Giving up, I went up to the old goblin standing behind the counter and after several attempts managed to get his attention.

"So you can, uh, enhance my chest assets." It was really more of a statement than a question.

"What?"

"You know, you can make my breasts grow," I gestured broadly towards my breasts.

"I don't understand."

I signed internally, nobody in this stupid game would use normal words if lewd ones were available.

"I need to make my tits bigger."

"Ooooohhhh," replied the goblin, now speaking in a voice loud enough to carry throughout the store. "Tits! Boobies! Melons! Funbags! Ga-zoooon-gaaaas! Why didn't you say so?"

I looked around, flushed with embarrassment, but realized that nobody there cared. Half of them had probably already done something similar.

"Now," the goblin continued sounding more like a carny with every second. "What ya lookin' for? We got big tits, we got small tits, we got three, four, even five boob packages." He leaned close and whispered "I can give you a great deal on a uniboob."

"A what?" I replied, not actually wanting to know, but found I couldn't help myself.

"A uniboob! One big ol' boob right across the chest." He gestured towards me then brought up some images on a tablet. Yes, he had a tablet in a theoretically fantasy dungeon. I told you this game was cheap. "50% off."

"Uh, no, no thank you," I replied. "I just need, uh, bigger ones."

"Humans," the goblin muttered under his breath.

"Well, you've come to the right place. Now, a lot of folks want the celebrity specials, and we guarantee once we're done your tits will look just like Mia Malkova or Angela White or Violet Myers."

"That's not really what I was planning..."

"Of course! A fine young woman like you wants big ol' bolt-ons! They're big! They're hard! They're plastic! They're obviously fake!"

Suddenly the tablet in his hand was displaying a picture of me with massive fake looking tits.

"Uh, do you have anything more, um, natural."

"You, but better? I get it, I get it. Now are you looking to make just the tits bigger or the whole thing?" He gestured towards my body. "I've got a blueberry thing in here somewhere," he started rummaging around behind the counter.

"Just the tits. I just want my tits bigger. My tits. Not someone else's. Not fake ones. Just my natural tits if they were bigger."

"Well why didn't you say so? A gal wants what she wants. We got just what you need. They'll take whatever you naturally have and bump it up in size."

"How much bigger?"

"Depends! It's based on, whasitcalled, genemites."

"Gene-what?" My mind scrambled for what he could possibly be talking about. "Do you mean genetics."

"Aye! That's the thing. Genetics. So how big you wanna go? Well, I guess you won't know until you take the potions, haha. How many potions you want?"

I thought of the size of not-Zack's cock, the current size of my breasts, how big my ass had grown when I'd drank the "Increase Size" potion, and checked how much time I had until the level collapsed, just over an hour. I realized I was only going to get one chance at this.

"I'll take two."

"I can give you a deal and sell you two "To Excel" potions for 3000 gold dollars."

3000! I couldn't afford that. I had just over $1000.

"I don't suppose you take credit?"

The elderly goblin pointed to a sign posted below the counter. "No credit. Please don't ask."

"How about barter?" I still had a lot of stuff, even if none of it was worth much, and maybe he'd accept something in trade.

"Try Allan's next door." He gestured to his left.

I headed next door and found a relatively less lecherous goblin standing under a "We buy everything!" sign.

"I've got some stuff to sell," I said, pulling up my inventory before he even had a chance to say anything.

Ten minutes later I'd sold everything I had that wasn't currently equipped. That meant all the clothes I'd come in here with (I was sad to see them go, but they weren't exactly helping me), eleven cockrings, seventeen dildos (and four harnesses), 28 bottles of lube (I kept three), 32 "cock enlarger" pills, 218 condoms, and a smattering of other odds and ends. It got me up to just over 1800 gold and I had to hope that was going to be enough.

I went back to Wenzie's Potions & Things.

"Ah! The human who wants big titties!" Wenzie said as I re-entered the store, loud enough for the other customers to definitely hear what he said. A few of them glanced my way but I ignored their looks, did my best not to flush with embarrassment, and marched up to the counter.

"I've got $1500. Can I have three potions?"

"Three potions? Three! You want me out on the street? That's what all you humans want. I told you the price for two was $2000 and that's with a significant discount thrown in."

He smiled at me. Aelia had told me that he'd want to bargain with me and said I should ask big and argue him down from there.

"$1750."

"$2500 and I'm losing money on the deal."

"Fine, $1750 for two of them."

"For two? Lowest I can go is $2200."

"$1824, that's all I've got."

"That much for two potions? Only if I get to watch you take them."

I swallowed. "You get to watch me take one of them. Shirt on."

"Shirt off and you do it right now."

I looked at the countdown timer again, less than an hour to go.

"Shirt off, but you have to kick them out," I gestured at the other people in the store.

"You got yourself a deal, young lady." He extended his hand across the counter, I grabbed it and we shook.

+1 to Bargain

He yelled that the shop was closing. There were some brief complaints, but the NPCs didn't actually care that much, and any humans were really just killing time and hoping that something would save them and they all filed out quick enough.

He snapped his fingers and I could hear the front door lock and the window shutters close.

I transferred the money to him and he pulled out two brown potions from somewhere and placed them on the counter. They looked like old Coke bottles with "To Excel" written on the side in Sharpie. Not exactly inspiring. I thought about trying to just run for it, but realized that's probably why he'd locked the door.

I pulled the cropped cheerleading top over my head and saw out of the corner of my vision a pop-up message saying I'd lost the "+1" benefit that the top granted me.

I reached for one of the potions sitting on the counter but saw the goblin shaking his head.

"Bra too."

I sighed. I could argue, but at this point I knew I'd lose. I pulled my sports bra off over my head as unsexily as possible, exposing my small breasts to the goblin. He was gleefully staring straight at my chest from his position behind the counter.

I grabbed the first potion and drank it down in one go. Its consistency and taste was like a banana smoothie that had been sitting at room temperature for several hours. I could immediately feel the same warmth flood through my body that I'd experienced the last time, except this time it was concentrated in my chest.

I looked down and saw my breasts begin to expand. After having my butt suddenly get bigger I wasn't as surprised by it happening, but let me tell you, I'm not sure if I could ever get used to part of my body suddenly changing size right before my eyes.

Over the next minute they slowly grew until they had more than doubled in size. Though, I admit that wasn't that much based on what I'd started with. Still, I hoped that it would be enough and that I wouldn't have to take the second potion.

"Is that it?" the goblin asked, seemingly somewhat disappointed. "You take the second one now?"

"No, later," I said. I put the remaining potion into my inventory and pulled the now considerably snugger bra and top back on.

"Fine," the goblin said. He snapped his fingers again and I heard the door unlock.

I looked at the countdown timer. 45 minutes. I'd have to run.

Okay, now, I know I was wearing a sports bra and I know my breasts hadn't grown that much, but I don't know how women with bigger boobs do any exercise at all. While I was running back to not-Zack's room I could feel my chest (and butt) bouncing with every step.

"Oh you're back," not-Zack said as I entered his apartment.

I ran across the room towards him, tearing off my top as I went. The timer in the corner of my screen said there were only about 20 minutes left.

"I've got tits now!" I cried. "You can fuck them!" The fear of dying (or being sold into indentured servitude) were making me do and say things I'd never imagined saying just a week before.

I knelt in front of him and pulled his pants and boxers down without him even being able to reply and grabbed his light green cock in one hand. I knew how to do this in theory, but could I actually do it?

I took one of my three remaining bottles of lube (unflavored) out of my inventory and squirted it onto my breasts, the coldness of the liquid shocking me, and onto his cock. If he noticed the cold it didn't seem to bother him much as his cock quickly hardened in my hand. I thrust my now slick breasts forward, guiding his cock in between them. I pushed my breasts together and this time, at least, he was definitely fucking them as I could feel each thrust on the inner sides of my breasts. It felt weird.

Of course, my breasts still weren't that big and the part of his cock furthest away from me was mostly sliding against my hands, but still, this had to count right?

"Oh yeah, baby, just like that, you like it when I fuck your tits, don't you?"

"Uhm, yes, I love it when you fuck my tits," I knew from experience that if I responded any way but positively it would "ruin the mood" and I didn't have all day to try to recover his ego if I said something like that.

"Will you lie on your back?" he asked.

"Yes, of course."

I quickly lay on my back and squirted more (still cold) lube over my breasts as he straddled me and pushed my breasts together, thrusting between them with increased energy, but after a couple of minutes I realized this was not "going to cum energy," which wasn't going to help me complete this level.

"Fuck," I muttered to myself seeing the countdown timer drop below 10 minutes. I was going to have to drink the other potion if I wanted to survive.

"Hold on," I said, pushing him off me. He began to complain, but quickly shut up when I gave him a look that said I wasn't going to take any shit.

Once again, I felt the warm feeling flood through my body, concentrating on my breasts. I figured that they'd increase about the same amount as the first time, but to my horror they seemed to be doubling in size again.

"No, no, no," I said to myself. This was not what I wanted. These were too big, but that seemed to be exactly what this stupid game wanted.

As not-Zack saw my breasts finishing growing he pulled me towards him, pushed me down onto my knees, grabbed a breast in each hand, and began thrusting his cock between them. My breasts now easily fit all the way around his cock.

This was clearly what he'd been waiting for, as after less than a dozen thrusts he froze up and his cock began to spasm and shoot seemingly endless streams of cum out. Eventually, he collapsed onto the couch, seemingly incapable of speech.

Okay, so it wasn't actually endless, but it was definitely a lot and my tits, chest, and even some of my face ended up coated in his cum. I don't know if it was the buildup of just not cumming after everything we'd done, or if the game was set up to make him cum this much. At any rate, all I could feel was relief as a popup appeared in my vision.

I looked around the room and saw the door on the far wall now had an "unlocked" sign in front of it. I stood up and saw I only had about three minutes to go until the level ended. While it would have been nice to talk to not-Zack, I knew from the glazed expression on his face that this was unlikely in the near future.

"Thanks not-Zack," I said, and patted him on the head. He made a soft moaning noise in response and reached out to me, but I'd already stepped beyond him towards the door.

I opened the door and stepped through, without even looking back.

On the other side of the door was a black void.

"Did I do it?" I said out loud. I had to have, right? I didn't want the last thing I did before dying being getting titfucked.

Giant bouncy text appeared in front of me along with a string of achievements.

Achievement unlocked: Bare Minimum

You want a prize? Finishing the first level is the bare minimum for the game.

Achievement unlocked: Procrastinator

You finished a level with less than 5 minutes remaining. git gud noob.

Achievement unlocked: Stacked:

You got tig ol' bitties now. Wait, someone already made that joke, didn't they?

Achievement unlocked: Bukake Beginner

Had someone cum on your body for the first time. Who's a dirty girl?

Achievement unlocked: Pearl Necklace

Have someone cum on your tits. You like it don't you?

Achievement unlocked: Facial Finish

Have someone cum on your face. Just like the slut you are.

Stat Upgrade:

+3 to Titfucking

+1 to all stats when Cum Coated

"Like, congratulations bitch! I like totally knew you could do it!" A virtual version of Aelia appeared next to me in the void.

"Yeah, great, sure," I muttered, wiping the semen off of my chest with my hand and wondering if I'd even get a chance to properly clean myself before I could put my top back on.

"Okay, so like now you get to pick your class!"

"Didn't I already do that? The cheerleader thing?"

"Like, no, you stupid bitch, that was your Starter Pack. Now you get to pick your Sexventurer™ Class. It like helps you with your skill trees and stuff. They could like let you do this earlier but like they're totally cheap and don't want to give it to like everyone. I like totally told you about this earlier."

"You did?"

"Yes, you were all like "When am I going to get to cast magic spells?" and I told you that like you'd need a class in order to like get access to spells and stuff."

"Right."

"Okay, so like there's a lot of different classes and they all have like benefits and weaknesses and whatever? They used to like let you see all of them, but now they limit them to like only the ones that your followers like bid on."

"Run that by me again."

"So like, your followers can bid on which ones you'll like see. The three with the most bids are your options. You don't have a lot of followers, but like someone must have been watching you get titfucked right?"

I looked at my follower stats and saw that it was much higher than it had been before. Some people had apparently enjoyed watching me be titfucked.

"Okay, so what are my options?"

"Like, just let me pull them up and ohhhhhh, you are like totally going to hate these."

"Just show them to me!"

"You have to pick one of these, so like don't have a cow or whatever."

"Aelia!"

A popup appeared in front of me with three terms on it.

Aelia was right. I totally hated them.

***

Does this even count as fanfiction? Or erotica? Well, this challenge got me to finish this story I've been working on since January, so that's something! I've written parts of future chapters! There will be more to this story! More characters! More sex! More bad jokes!