The Osculum Infame

"Is a sexy witch outfit just the same as a hooker outfit, only with a silly hat?"

"Shut up, Alex." Bethany did not look away from the mirror. She was adjusting her corset to maximise her cleavage. The hat did look a bit silly though. But who cared? No one would be looking at the hat.

Alex was drinking a bottle of lager through a gap in the bandages wrapped around his face. It was tricky, and beer was soaking into his costume. He hadn't wanted to be the Invisible Man in the first place. And seeing Bethany's revealing outfit made him more peevish. The Invisible Man was married to the Far-Too-Visible Woman.

"Is, um, Molly coming this evening?" asked Alex, doing his best to sound casual.

"Yes, she'll be here." Bethany was applying ruby red lipstick.

"I wonder what she'll be dressed as?"

"I told you, when my friends heard I was doing the sexy witch thing this year, they all wanted to do the same."

"Yes, dear, I remember you saying so."

"And for goodness' sake, Alex, try not to letch at Molly. It's embarrassing how you stare at her sometimes. If you must ogle someone, ogle Gemma, she enjoys the attention."

"Good grief, I do not stare at Molly! Is she bringing Callum?"

"Yes," sighed Bethany. "And no ogling him, either."

"Hang on a minute..." Alex began, but the doorbell cut him off.

Bethany finished adjusting her costume and pouted at the mirror. "Go and put some music on while I get the front door."

Alex slunk into the front room while his wife went to answer the door. On the doorstep were Gemma and Derek. Derek's hair was slicked back and he wore a black cape, a ruffled shirt and fake fangs. A passable but predictable Dracula.

Gemma wore high heels, stockings, suspenders, and a black bustier. She was apparently dressed as a hooker.

"Oh, almost forgot my hat." Gemma pulled a pointy black hat out of the bag for life she held and put it on her head. "Happy Halloween!"

"Gemma, you look amazing!" squealed Bethany, hugging Gemma. "Derek, good to see you, thank you for coming." Derek went in for a tight embrace, but Bethany deftly pivoted into a side hug.

"I vant to suck your boobs!" cried Derek in a ridiculous accent.

"Charming," said Bethany, ushering them both into the house. Gemma went into the kitchen with Bethany to put the food and drinks she had brought in the fridge.

Dracula joined the Invisible Man in the front room, flapping his cape dramatically.

"I'm sorry about him," said Gemma as Bethany poured her a glass of wine. "He's been wanting to say that silly joke all day."

"At least he tries to have a sense of humour. Alex is such a wet blanket at times."

"He'll loosen up after a few drinks." She produced a bottle of Aftershock Blue. "A few shots of this would loosen anyone up."

Derek was telling Alex what he had described as "a funny story" but to Alex it seemed crass and convoluted. Alex wondered if his facial expression was readable through the bandages.

"And so the first prostitute said 'it's not the longest I've seen but it is the thickest.' And then..."

The doorbell rang. "Sorry, Derek. I must just get that." Alex hurried to the front door.

Natasha stood there, wearing a long raincoat over a daring ensemble of lingerie, stiletto heels and a conical hat.

"Ah, hello. Another naughty witch," Alex greeted her.

"Who are you?" Natasha eyed him suspiciously, clutching a bottle of vodka to her chest.

"It's me, Alex."

"Oh! I did not recognise you. You are dressed like a mummy!" she gave him a friendly hug.

"Come on in, Natasha. Bethany is in the kitchen. No Bruno this evening?"

"He is with Toby, they are parking the car." Natasha bustled past him into the corridor. "I will keep my shoes on, they are part of my costume." She took her coat off and handed it to Alex, who hung it in the cupboard under the stairs.

Derek had heard Natasha and came out of the front room. He flung his cape wide with an evil laugh: "I vant to suck your boobies!"

Natasha stared at him, then said "Very funny," and walked into the kitchen.

"Care for a drink, Derek?" asked Alex. "Wine? Lager?"

"Lager would be spot on," said Derek, chuckling to himself about his crude comment to Natasha.

As Alex went into the kitchen, Natasha was complaining: "He was making fun of my accent! Has he never heard a Polish woman speak before?"

"He was not making fun of you, lovely. He's pretending to be Dracula," said Gemma. "That's his Transylvanian accent, not Polish."

Alex took a can of lager from the fridge for Derek, and hearing Toby and Bruno approaching up the driveway he got one for Toby, too.

Natasha declined the glass of wine that Bethany offered. "No wine for me. I want a proper drink. Let's make some cocktails. Have you got ice?"

"What an excellent idea," said Gemma.

"I'll just put this chicken in the oven, then I'll find the ice. Do you girls fancy Cosmos?"

When Alex opened the front door, a large, spotty black and white dog jumped up at him, startling him and knocking him backwards.

"Down, Bruno!" shouted Toby, stood on the doorstep dressed in a donkey costume. "Shit! Sorry, Alex. He's just being friendly."

"It's OK," said Alex nervously, holding up the lager cans in front of him to shield himself from the dog. The Dalmatian pushed past Alex and scrabbled down the hall. Alex handed Toby a beer and invited him in.

In the kitchen, Bethany was rummaging around in the chest freezer for ice cubes. She knew there was a bag in there somewhere. She was bent right over the freezer, her long legs and round behind on show in her stockings and frilly lace knickers.

The dog scrambled into the kitchen, where the smell of the chicken cooking filled the air. Bruno's claws scratched across the tiled floor as he ran up behind Bethany and sniffed her bum, perhaps mistaking it for the source of the appetising aroma.

When a cold, wet nose touched her rear, it made her jump, bang her head on the lid of the freezer and squash her pointy hat.

"Ow! Fuck!" she yelled.

"Bruno! Bad dog!" shouted Natasha. Bruno left Bethany alone and lay down next to Natasha.

Toby walked in and announced cheerfully, "Evening ladies," taking a slurp from the lager can.

"Oh, hi Toby," said Bethany, taking off her hat and rubbing her head.

"Oh, he's dressed as a donkey," Gemma smiled at Natasha. "How appropriate."

"I'm Donkey from Shrek!" Toby said brightly, then belched.

As soon as Alex closed the door after letting Toby in, the doorbell rang again and he opened it to two couples dressed as members of the Addams family, closely followed by five young women he did not recognise dressed as zombie nurses. Uncle Fester wore brand new Nike Air Jordans. The zombie nurses all held big bottles of Lambrini.

He directed them to the living room, where Dracula sat alone, but the new arrivals headed into the kitchen instead. Alex worried that he had not bought enough beer, and that the guests would ruin the carpets. No one had taken their shoes off.

Alex handed a can of lager to Derek. "Danke schön, mein host."

"It's Kronenbourg."

"Merci beaucoup, monsieur, in that case." Derek opened the can and the lager foamed up and dripped on the floor.

In the kitchen, Bethany, Gemma and Natasha were mixing cocktails and chatting.

"Where is Molly? She should be here by now. I thought we agreed to arrive early."

"Maybe her and Callum got delayed doing something, if you know what I mean."

"You mean each other?"

"That only takes five minutes!"

"Maybe for you, but from what I've heard Callum has a lot more stamina."

"We'll know it's true if she has a big smile on her face when she gets here."

"Yeah, and she's limping!"

The women giggled and Bethany gave the shaker a vigorous rattling then poured Cosmopolitans into three glasses.

"That's what I need in my life," sighed Bethany. "A proper good seeing to."

Gemma guffawed.

Natasha said, "Poor Alex. I'm sure he manages it sometimes"

"What you need is a proper good drink. Cheers, girls."

"All he ever wants nowadays is for me to sit on his face."

"I don't mind a bit of face-sitting. I can sit on Derek's face for hours. Sometimes I do it while I'm watching EastEnders."

"Yes, but at least he's licking the right one when you do. Alex is only interested in my backdoor."

"Well, I won't be kissing him hello anymore," said Natasha dryly.

"You cheeky bitch!" shrieked Bethany.

Alex was in the hallway, busy changing the batteries in a novelty light-up pumpkin. Annoyingly, he could half ovehear the women gossiping in the kitchen. He distinctly heard the phrase "face-sitting" and he dropped the batteries on the floor. The doorbell rang and he threw the pumpkin aside.

More costumed guests arrived; more acquaintances and colleagues of Bethany whom Alex did not recognise. Some brought alcohol, some did not. None of them took off their shoes. Alex directed the new arrivals into the front room, where he played a selection of Halloween themed music on the stereo. Derek was saying to one of the zombie nurses: "Hopefully they bring the food out soon. I'm sure you'll feel better with something hot inside you." Alex thought she was going to slap him, but fortunately she controlled herself.

Alex skulked into the kitchen. Bethany was saying "That's what I need, a proper good licking," when she looked up from her cocktail and saw him hovering in the corner. "There you are, honey. That chicken is probably just about cooked now. Can you plate it up and put it on the table in the dining room, please?"

Alex dutifully fetched plates and opened the oven door. The hot air from the oven blasted in his bandaged face. He put the chicken pieces on two plates and took them to the other room.

When the guests saw hot food was available, they congregated in the dining room. Uncle Fester grabbed a handful of wings and a zombie nurse gnawed a drumstick.

"I love a nice bit of breast," said Derek, taking out his false fangs. "What about you, Alex? Are you a leg man or a breast man?"

"I don't really eat chicken, to be honest," replied Alex. "I much prefer beef. Steak, preferably."

"Oh yes, I've heard you're partial to a bit of rump!" Derek grinned broadly and chomped into his chicken.

Bethany and her girls stayed in the kitchen, drinking cocktails and bitching about their other friends, until Bethany noticed that most of the guests had arrived. The party was in full swing and it was time for the hostess to mingle.

In the front room Alex was playing The Monster Mash by Bobby Pickett for the third time that evening. Bethany told him to play the Vengaboys instead. He reluctantly complied, then slipped off for a pee.

"Then the second prostitute said, 'it might not be the biggest, but it does have a lot of character'." All five zombie nurses glared disdainfully at Derek, but he didn't seem to notice.

A queue of people waited outside the upstairs bathroom. Inside, Wednesday Addams was vomiting while Morticia held her hair. Alex went downstairs to the WC next to the garage instead. He carefully unwrapped the bandages from his right hand. Before he went in, Toby appeared. "Hey mate, I'm busting."

"Yes, me too, Toby. I'll only be two minutes."

"I don't know I can wait that long!"

"Well, I'll be quick."

"I'm serious, Alex. Shall I just go in the garden instead?"

"No, don't do that."

"Can we both go together? That's fair, isn't it? It's just a wee, not a number two."

"Oh, all right then."

They squeezed into the tiny toilet. Toby was a big man, and Alex was crowded up against the sink. Alex bashfully unzipped his flies and prepared to pee. Toby meanwhile was fumbling with his donkey costume. Alex was in the correct stance to urinate, and his bladder felt very full. But no urine came out. He was shy.

Toby undid his donkey suit and pulled out something long, large and floppy. With a gasp of relief, Toby directed a thick stream of piss into the bowl. The sound of Toby's piss roiling and foaming in the toilet bowl coaxed Alex's bladder into action, and he released a steady dribble into the toilet bowl as well.

Alex tried not to stare, he really tried as hard as he could. But the room was very small, and Toby's willy was astonishingly large. He couldn't help but look. Even if he looked away, he could see its reflection in the mirror on the wall, and a reflection of his own mediocre penis, the two side-by-side, inviting an unfavourable comparison.

Toby groaned as he emptied his bladder. "Oh man, thanks for letting me share with you, buddy."

"It's quite OK. It's fine." It really wasn't.

Toby finished peeing, shook himself off, and did his costume back up. Alex dribbled into the bowl a few moments more. He flushed the toilet and washed his right hand. He was very relieved to get out of the tiny room with the donkey.

In the front room, Derek approached a middle-aged lady who was dressed as Elvira.

"I really vant to suck your boobs!"

She looked at him with interest, then said, "Oh ah, all right then, my love. Take yer fangs out first, mind. Down 'ere or up in the bedroom?"

"Oh, um... I don't know. I'm not sure. It was a joke, really. I'm supposed to be Dracula. You see, the thing is, my wife is in the other room. But..." Derek tailed off into silence. Elvira finished her gin and tonic and shook her head.

Just then, a flash of lightning lit up the sky outside and after a few seconds of silence, a rumble of thunder echoed across the town. Some of the party-goers gasped with surprise. Natasha instinctively crossed herself. Bruno howled, a long, eerie sound. There was a loud knock on the door. Bang! Bang! Bang!

The Invisible Man with the barely visible manhood was returning from the downstairs WC, and he opened the front door.

Standing there was Callum, looking like the devil himself. Literally, looking like the devil. He wore tailored pinstripe trousers, Adidas trainers, and a pair of novelty devil horns. His bare torso and muscular arms were smeared with red body paint, the crimson colour emphasising his chiselled physique. He smelled strongly of aftershave. Next to him, in just her lingerie and a pointy hat was Molly, the final member of the sexy coven.

"Hello, mate," said Callum, handing a bottle of Wray & Nephew to Alex.

"Hi, Callum. Come on in." He watched as Callum walked into the hallway, hugging each of the sexy witches and zombie nurses and getting red body paint on them.

The stereo in the front room blared louder: "OK, let's go! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!..."

As Molly stepped in through the door, Alex cheerfully remarked, "Here she is, the last of the weird sisters."

"What?" she gave him a withering look. "There's nothing weird about me, Alex."

"No, I meant like the witches in Macbeth. You know, Shakespeare."

"What are you talking about?" she glared at him.

"Never mind." Alex retreated to the bottom of the stairs.

Molly was adjusting her pointy hat when Derek sidled up to her. "I vant to suck..."

"Oh, give it a rest now, Derek," snapped Gemma. "Molly, you look incredible."

Molly smiled politely, "Thanks. You too, Gem."

"She is smiling, but she has no limp," Natasha observed.

Alex noticed how the material of Callum's trousers hugged the contours of his thighs and buttocks. He quickly looked away from Callum, his eyes automatically landing on Molly's cleavage.

"Alex, stop gawping and go and fetch some shot glasses for the rum," Bethany said quietly but sternly in his ear.

Callum and Molly went into the front room without removing their shoes.

There was a packet of plastic shot glasses in the kitchen cupboard, Alex arranged these on a tray and poured thirty shots of the rum. This was enough for almost everyone, as Natasha declared drinking shots of anything but vodka was "barbaric" and Wednesday was comatose on the sofa and in no fit state to drink any more.

"Wow, this is good stuff!" Gemma declared after downing her shot. Alex spluttered after drinking his.

A zombie nurse opened a cigarette packet containing three large spliffs, and a few of the guests moved out into the garden to enjoy some marijuana.

Callum nonchalantly lounged across the recliner in the front room, sipping a cocktail Bethany made for him and listening to Derek tell his funny story, while scratching Bruno behind the ear. Bruno, Bethany and Derek all looked pleased to have a measure of Callum's attention.

Molly, Gemma and Natasha sat around the kitchen table.

"We should do something fun, like a fun party game," slurred Gemma. "You know, something fun."

"I think you might have had a bit too much to drink," said Molly.

"How about Spin the Bottle?" suggested Natasha.

"Yes!" exclaimed Gemma, lurching to her feet and going to gather players for the game.

The four sexy witches, Dracula Derek and his Satanic Majesty Callum gathered around the table. The empty rum bottle lay on its side in between them. Toby the donkey was nowhere to be found.

"Come on, don't be a wet blanket all your life, Alex," said Bethany. Reluctantly, he pulled up a chair.

Amazingly, the first spin of each of the first four rounds landed on Callum, the second spin landing on each of the sexy witches. Three witches were treated to a very sensuous smooch with the Prince of Darkness. When it was Bethany's turn to kiss Callum, instead of kissing him on the face, she chose to kiss his biceps, which he flexed for her. Alex's jealousy was piqued as he watched, but strangely his envy burned the most when Callum kissed Molly.

"I'm beginning to think this game is rigged, old chap," said Derek.

The bottle was spun again and again. Molly kissed Gemma, then Gemma kissed Bethany.

On the first spin of the seventh round, the bottle pointed to Alex.

"Oh wow, it's your turn, darling!" said Bethany. "It might be your lucky night. Who's it going to be?"

Gemma spun the bottle, and Alex felt like his heart would leap out of his chest when it came to rest pointing at Molly.

"Lucky boy!" cried Bethany.

"Is... is it OK?" Alex mumbled. Callum nodded at him sagely.

Molly pouted peevishly and said: "Well, OK. Just on the cheek, though."

"I think we should blindfold him while he does it, otherwise he might explode," said Gemma.

"Good idea," agreed Bethany. "Derek, could you help?"

Derek stood behind Alex and adjusted the bandages so they now covered his eyes. "There we go." Alex could not see anything; he could smell spilt beer, the overproof rum, marijuana smoke drifting in from the back garden, and Callum's aftershave.

"OK, you can kiss me now," said Molly. A chair scraped across the kitchen floor. "But just a peck on the cheek. Wait a moment... OK, now you may kiss."

Alex leaned forward and pressed his puckered lips to warm flesh. There was a communal intake of breath around the table, and a titter from one of the ladies. Alex, blindfolded, was not sure who.

"OK, and the other cheek now," said Molly.

Again, Alex leaned forward, and touched his lips to warm skin. Warm, rough skin, slightly salty and sweaty to the taste, not like he imagined Molly's soft cheek at all. Alex quickly pulled the bandages from his eyes and everyone roared with laughter.

To his horror, Alex saw Callum stood in front of him, his trousers pulled down around his thighs, and his solid-looking bare bottom on display. He had not been kissing Molly's face at all: he had been kissing Callum's arse.

Everyone around him found this very funny. Gemma and Bethany shrieked with laughter. Toby and a zombie nurse came back in from smoking weed in the garden, drawn by the uproar of hilarity. Natasha, in between giggling, explained what had happened.

Callum pulled up his trousers, beaming with pride at the bawdy prank.

Derek looked like he was going to have an aneurysm from laughing so hard. "I always knew he was an arse-man!" he hooted, looking much redder in the face than Dracula.

Alex was sweating, his heart beating so hard it hurt.

Bethany grinned at her husband. She could tell he was blushing underneath his bandages. She noticed something else too: a tenseness in his body and a shift in his posture. "Oh my goodness, Alex," she said quietly, a slight smile on her lips. "Have you got a hard-on?"