Grieving: Dona's Biology

"Is Ryan calling me? How strange. I haven't spoken to him since I left Sarah's house a couple of years ago.

Ryan is everything I always disliked in older men: overbearing, drunk, with questionable income. How did he get money if he spent all his time lying in the living room getting wasted? I don't know.

Thanks to Sarah, my adoptive mother, choosing to marry Ryan, and my constant discontent toward him, we decided it was best for me to stay permanently on the university campus and no longer return on holidays.

My life with Sarah had been full of abundance and love before he arrived; I hated him with all my soul.

"Hello?" I answer Ryan's call.

"Hello, Dona..." Ryan sighs. He sounds unsure of how to continue. "I don't know how to say this nicely, but... Sarah just died. From a heart attack..."

I listen, but I can't conceive that this is reality. I adored Sarah. She never made me feel out of place for being of Thai descent, even though our town was predominantly white. She didn't judge me when I lost my virginity at fifteen to the local church pastor's son, when I smoked marijuana for the first time at sixteen, or when I skinny-dipped in the neighbors' pool at seventeen and they noticed, reporting me to her.

Thanks to her advice, I was able to keep living a decent life and found my passion for studying architecture.

"It can't be." I only answer and hang up the call, in shock.

A week later, I find myself at the funeral of the woman who raised me all by herself with all the love in the world. Sarah was already sixty years old, a chubby woman full of love. With soothing words and bear hugs, she knew how to bake, how to make a house a home.

During the funeral, I notice how Ryan takes my hand and doesn't let go. We were never close, always at odds and wanting to steal Sarah's attention. Ryan won that war; Sarah decided to keep me far away for the sake of her relationship, and that hurt me deeply.

Since that day, I never answered her calls or looked for her.

I hadn't spoken to her in months.

A feeling of guilt begins to develop inside me.

We walk home holding hands, and I observe how big, lean, and beer-bellied Ryan wears an expression of absolute grief. Inside the house, a sort of three-story cabin that Sarah inherited from her parents, with all the lights off and only candles lit in the living room, Ryan and I share anecdotes about our life with Sarah.

It is melancholic.

"I'll also miss the sex with Sarah, forgive me for mentioning it. But that woman knew how to move, despite her extra weight." Ryan drinks whiskey and laughs to himself, lost in his thoughts. I watch how he places his hand, still wearing his ring, over his beer belly, and I notice his broad shoulders. He is a rather large man; he takes up a lot of space. But he isn't necessarily fat, just with large limbs.

"Was she better than your wife before her?" I ask him.

Ryan looks at me, as if realizing I'm still here.

"No. My first wife had a body like yours: pretty rounded breasts, a flat belly, a small waist, and large hips that gave way to a prominent ass." I notice how Ryan observes my body, absorbed in me while he talks. "The bitch--and excuse the word--thought she was better than me because of her body. She was unfaithful to me many times; but I understand it, she used that delicate, seductive body to move in a way that made a man cum hard just looking at her..."

Ryan keeps staring at me. I notice how his gaze darkens, and in the way he sits, I notice the bulge inside his sweatpants swelling while looking at me.

"Do you like my body?" I respond without thinking. Then, I regret it and cover my face in embarrassment. I feel how he takes my hands and separates them to see me up close; why did he get close to me like that?

Ryan leans in and kisses my nose.

I laugh and pull away.

"I'm going to sleep now."

"Yes. Yes, I like it a lot, Dona. Your naturally tanned skin, your long raven hair down to your ass, and that perky ass." Ryan takes the opportunity to caress my hips up and down. I just pull away and go to sleep, thinking about that uncomfortable moment that arose from talking about Sarah in sex.

The next day, Ryan convinces me to go dancing at the bar in the neighboring town.

"You know Sarah loved it. It's a way to commemorate her," he insists.

I nod and let him guide me. In my room, I try to pick out clothes after showering when Ryan comes in. I try to cover myself better with my robe, uncomfortable with his intrusion.

"What if I help you choose..." Ryan suggests. He approaches me and removes my robe. I am left naked before his eyes. But he doesn't try to touch me; he just stares at me. My nipples swell from the sudden cold, and I see his eyes darken.

But he stops devouring me with his eyes and goes to the closet. He hands me a tight black mini dress that leaves the lower part of my buttocks exposed. I put on a push-up bra that highlights my rounded, firm breasts. He gives me a kiss on the nose, like the day before, and we go to the bar.

About two hours later, and after about six shots: Ryan and I are dancing in the middle of the dance floor, very close to each other. He molds his hips against my ass while holding one of my breasts in his hand, hugging me from behind, and sucks my neck. The alcohol makes me feel horny, and I just follow the rhythm of his hips against my ass, grinding against him.

In the middle of the dance floor, with the amount of people dancing, no one sees us dry-humping. I grab his hair with one hand and turn my face toward him. Ryan leans in and takes my lips between his. It's a messy kiss; we taste like alcohol and peppermint gum. We keep moving our hips against each other while getting lost in the kisses.

Ryan manages to slip a hand inside my bra and pinches my nipple; he slips another hand between my panties: the dress rides up, but with the poor lighting of the place, I don't worry about being seen. He rotates his fingers on my clitoris, to the rhythm of his hips clashing against my ass. We move in unison, and I cum hard from the constant stimulation.

"That's it, love." Ryan kisses my cheek as he notices. "See? You got distracted. Good for you."

Ryan turns me around and sucks my nipple a little before we decide to go home.

The following week, Ryan remains sober and helps me finalize the details of Sarah's death. We decide to sell the house; too many discouraging and sad memories remain there. Our dynamics quickly break down the boundaries between us: during the day we meet with Sarah's lawyer signing papers, see her friends, and keep our distance. At night, we bathe together, kiss, and then sleep wrapped in each other's arms.

"Come, love. Spread out on the bed." Ryan tells me to lie on his bed. We are naked after taking a shower. I feel strange seeing him naked. His body does nothing but intimidate me; it is all big and lean.

I spread out on the bed and he opens my legs to proceed with our nightly relaxation ritual: masturbation.

Ryan kneels on the floor and places his face over my wide vaginal opening. He inserts his tongue inside me and explores, sucking and licking freely. He makes circles on my clitoris with a finger, and in a matter of seconds, he makes me cum. I have never experienced anything like this before.

"Ahh. Ahhh." I scream with abandon. Ryan shushes me while laughing as he watches me. He loves making me lose control.

A month later, missing Sarah, Ryan chats with me while we cook. When we finish, he suggests doing something different.

"How about we go to the neighboring town's bar to dance tonight?" Ryan takes my hand and guides me to his room. We sold Sarah's house and split it in half. Now he lives in a bachelor pad near the town center.

Ryan grabs the bottom of my sweater and pulls it up, passing it over my arms and taking it off. We have experienced a sort of somewhat liberal intimacy; whenever he wants, he undresses me, but we don't go any further. Just a couple of touches and kisses, nothing too serious.

He takes off my bra and takes my breasts in his hands. He feels and touches them freely; I sigh and look at him. His gaze darkens with desire and he licks his lips; I know what he will do before he decides to. He leans down and sucks one of my brown nipples.

"Dona, you are the prettiest Thai girl I've ever seen in my life. I'm so glad Sarah adopted you; appreciating your beauty is an absolute pleasure." Ryan whispers in a seductive voice. I know what he wants, although neither of us crosses the line.

Ryan keeps sucking my nipples, licking my breasts, kneading them. He loses himself in intense sucking; he doesn't stop teasing them until they are hardened and completely wet with his saliva.

"Ughhh." I groan, closing my eyes. Ryan lowers my pants and slips a hand inside my underwear. Without any gentleness, he begins moving a thumb suggestively against my clitoris. He inserts two fingers inside, and I can only rotate my hips against him.

We both groan.

Ryan finishes undressing me and makes me lie on his bed. Unashamed, I open my legs, and he lies on top of me. As naked as I am, he places both forearms on either side of my face and begins to kiss me. He guides the head of his penis up and down over my entrance; we never go any further.

We move our hips against each other, and I close my eyes; his gaze penetrates me with intensity, and if I keep looking at him, I'll lose control. Of course I feel strange: mom's husband is rubbing his penis against my opening; not in a million years would I have imagined sharing this kind of intimacy with him, but knowing I was alone in the universe made me feel awful.

I just wanted a parental connection with someone.

Ryan is the closest thing to family; he was my stepfather. Now we are just strangers with a shared past; I don't want him to leave. So I let him kiss me, touch me, find a safe place in my body.

That way he won't leave.

Ryan begins to insert the head of his penis inside me, and I get scared. Although I open my legs a bit wider to the sides, I push him away with my hands against his shoulders and shake my head, pulling away from his kiss. Ryan licks his lips and sighs.

"Just the tip, love. You know I won't cross the line, just the tip..." he insists in a guttural voice. Ryan's beer belly settles against me again, and I open my legs wider. I feel how the head of his glans tries to penetrate me once more, and I let him. I open my mouth, and Ryan drops spit onto my lips before leaning in and continuing to kiss me.

It becomes a wet, possessive, and messy kiss. Ryan inserts his penis a bit more, and I pull my hips back, scared. I close my legs, but Ryan takes advantage and finishes inserting his entire penis with a single thrust.

I tremble, pull away from the kiss, and sigh.

"I told you no, no..." I groan, rolling my eyes in pleasure. Ryan begins to strike mercilessly against me. He is unstoppable.

The bed hits the wall, and I can feel it shake under the movement of Ryan's hips against me. I wrap my arms around his shoulders and whisper in his ear.

"Slower, love..." I groan. "Ahh, ahhh, ahhh."

"No... love." It sounds forced. Ryan can barely articulate words while placing his forehead against mine and impaling me with strength, without gentleness. "You deserve this. A good fuck..."

I kiss him and lick his face before answering.

"You are Sarah's husband..." I pant heavily.

"Ughh." Ryan grunts in my face. His breath smells bad, as if he hasn't brushed his teeth today; but I know he did, it's perhaps the effort of fucking me. "Don't think like that, we were destined to end up together..."

Ryan twists his hips, and I try to pull away, feeling uncomfortable. He is Sarah's husband; he will be forever. We can't do this. I try to pull away, but Ryan doesn't let me; he gives me a tight hug, keeping me in place, and thrusts his entire length inside me again.

"Let me go..." I beg him. Ryan rolls his eyes and covers my mouth. He begins to move against me harder. It hurts me; I try to tell him to stop, but his hand over my mouth doesn't let me speak. The headboard bangs harder and harder against the wall.

"Just take it, little slut. Take my cum..." Ryan yells at me. He removes his hand from my mouth and slaps me, causing my eyes to fill with tears.

"No..." I shake my head and groan. His hips begin to swirl against mine, hitting a spot no one had ever touched before. Precisely, he begins to strike right there, and I cum hard. He takes my legs and opens them against the mattress, getting completely on top of me and thrusting with force seeking his own release.

He fills me with his cum.

Guilt immediately overwhelms me: How did I end up fucking mom's husband? I squirm beneath him, and this time when I push him, he lets me go.

Two hours later, we are dancing in the middle of the crowd again at the neighboring town's bar. Ryan and I embrace while kissing each other messily; it's a battle of tongues, saliva, and sweat. Ryan pulls my skirt up to my waist, leaving my buttocks exposed for anyone looking to see. He begins spanking them, and I writhe in the kiss he gives me.

I arch my back, and Ryan sucks one of my nipples through the fabric of my crop top. He threatens to remove my underwear, but I shake my head and pull my skirt down.

I know he would dare to fuck me right here, in the middle of the dance floor. But I prevent it and instead guide him outside the bar, into a dark, dead-end alley.

Pressed against the wall, Ryan holds me in the air while I wrap my legs and arms around him; we kiss while he thrusts his full length into me again. He penetrates me with wild abandon; he begins lifting me up and down against a brick wall.

"Ughh." I groan. I clash my hips against his as best as I can while rolling my eyes in pleasure. "Ahh."

I pant.

"I... I love you, Ryan. Cum inside me. Let's have a baby." I pant in his ear. Ryan increases the cadence of his thrusts, sinking desperately deep inside me.

"Let's have a baby, yes. Take all my cum, my little slut." Ryan grunts with a final thrust and spills inside me, filling me with his little swimmers. I just hold on to him tighter while I cum from receiving his load inside me.

------------------------

Alina, Ryan's mother, visits us the following week. Right away, I realize she suspects us, although Ryan couldn't have been more obvious: sometimes, while she and I were cooking, he would walk by and smack my ass or kiss my cheek.

Having a relationship with an older man like Ryan was not on my current wish list. One night, Alina decides to go to sleep early, and Ryan and I get physical in the living room. Completely naked and locked in a tight, desperate embrace, my legs were pinned all the way up while Ryan sucked my neck and fucked me hard. He would raise his hips high and drive down with force.

"Ahh. Ahh. Slower, love," I begged him while he bit my ear. Ryan bit my neck particularly hard, and I opened my eyes; what I found was another pair of eyes watching us from the living room entrance: while Ryan pumped inside me with dynamic force and a desperate rhythm, Alina was watching us from afar.

Our eyes met, and she shook her head, walking away. I bit my lower lip, embarrassed. Although I wasn't able to say anything to Ryan, I let him continue until he filled me with his cum.

"It's wrong, you know? Ryan is forty-nine years old; do you think what he needs is a 20-year-old girl?" Alina cornered me the next morning while Ryan was sleeping. "What do you think the people of the town will think of you if they see you together?"

I sigh and look her in the eyes, answering haughtily.

"We are grieving together, that's all..." She interrupts me.

"Little slut. Did you steal your mom's husband? Did you even wait for her body to get cold?" she says with disdain. I make a gesture as if to slap her, but she stops me. With tears in my eyes, I leave the apartment.

Walking in a nearby park, I receive a call from an unknown number.

"Hello?" I answer the call.

"Hello, I'm Chakrit. I was told you were looking for me..." Before Sarah died, I was searching for my biological parents. I was only able to find one, but until now he hadn't answered me.

"Chakrit Srinawatra?" I ask to be sure.

"Yes. That's me."

"I'm Dona, but twenty years ago I was put up for adoption. My original name is Bussaba Srinawatra, and I think I'm your biological daughter," I declare nervously.

"..."

"Do you think we could meet, please?" I beg him, despite his silence.

"I can't be your father, Bussaba." He only answers that.

"I just want to meet you. Do you know anything about Saengdao, my mother...?" I try to get more information in case he decides to disappear.

"She died. In an accident." He pauses, and I think he will end the call, when: "I'll agree to meet, but I don't promise anything."

"Thank you." I end the call.

The next day, Ryan wakes me up sinking his glans inside me. We are both naked; we fucked all night. This time, with Alina aware of our relationship, we scream and make noise without caring about her opinion.

"Love..." Ryan grunts in my face as he grabs my breasts and handles them roughly. He drives his hips against me, kneeling and holding my legs wide open against his shoulders. "... receive my cum. That's it..."

I open my legs wider and grab the headboard to push myself against him. We both groan.

"Ughhhh." Ryan rolls his eyes and lands his hips heavily against me. "Receive it..."

He fills me with cum. Alina knocks on the door and asks us to make less noise.

"Today I'm going to see him. You know..." I remind Ryan. He nods and kisses me on the lips, open-mouthed and completely wet, before pulling out of me. I'm left wanting more.

That day, I meet Chakrit at the mall. He looks way too young, to tell the truth.

"We had no money, that's why we gave you up for adoption," Chakrit explains to me. He shows me a picture of mom: she was just like me, with prominent heart-shaped lips, tan skin, and a tiny waist. Almond-shaped brown eyes and wavy raven hair. Chakrit has honey-colored eyes that contrast spectacularly with his brown skin. I look at him and am dazzled.

He looks at me a lot too.

He is thin, but with arms that show his work involves manual labor, and a light trace of a beard. Shaved hair, almond-shaped eyes, and a prominent nose. He is an attractive man.

"Did you stay together after you gave me up for adoption? How old are you? You look young," I ask him.

"No. We were too scared to stay together. I didn't see her again until recently; we became a couple again and had a son who is four years old. I don't have time to be your father, because I am a single father to Aof and I work full-time..." Chakrit licks his lips nervously, and I follow the movement of his tongue. It's strange; I feel attracted to him. Is it because he is my biological father? But I have a lot of interest in touching him and hugging him.

Curiosity.

"We can be friends," I suggest. "Let me get to know you, okay?"

"Fifteen years old..." he says.

"Excuse me?"

"We were fifteen years old when we gave you up for adoption. You are twenty years old and I am thirty-five. That's why I look young to you; you were a mistake of ours..." Chakrit stops. He is cruel, but sincere. My vision blurs, and I say goodbye to him early.

I know I was a mistake, but there was no need to tell me like that.

I return to my life with Ryan and don't hear anything from Chakrit for two weeks. But something strange begins to happen to me: I start having wet dreams about Chakrit. He seemed like an attractive man, yes. But I have seen many handsome men, and they had never impressed me to the point of getting wet dreaming about them.

I research it on Google and discover a psychological condition called "Genetic Sexual Attraction"; in the article, they state that it is a phenomenon in which two biologically related adults who were separated at an early age experience an intense emotional or sexual attraction upon meeting for the first time. It is attributed to the lack of the Westermarck effect--the natural mechanism that prevents mutual attraction when living together during childhood--combined with an unconscious search for genotypic affinity.

Is that what's happening to me? Am I looking for a genotypic affinity because I didn't grow up with one?

I receive a call, and it's him.

Chakrit.

"Hello?" I answer.

"I wanted to apologize for last time. What I said was cruel, and I'm sorry. Do you want to meet your brother?" Chakrit speaks a bit quietly.

"Yes," I answer.

A week later, Chakrit picks me up in a somewhat run-down pickup truck. He takes me to his house, two hours from my town. It's a ranch on the outskirts of the city where Chakrit works.

Aof is a carbon copy of Chakrit; they are like two peas in a pod. Chakrit introduces me as his sister, to my surprise, and Aof doesn't even care; he just invites me to play. When he gets tired, he falls asleep, and I look for Chakrit; he is feeding the chickens behind his house.

"Hello..." I approach him cautiously.

"Hello..." Chakrit turns around. He is shirtless, and his toned, lean chest glistens with sweat. I swallow hard. I myself am dressed in a crop top that clearly shows my breasts and denim shorts that don't cover my buttocks very much.

"I'm sorry..." Chakrit apologizes again. I look up at him and bite my lip, stepping closer. I hug him, and he rests his head on mine.

"Do you have a lake on the property?" I notice as we walk toward it. He runs toward it, and I follow him, trying to catch up to him. We both take off our clothes and are left in our underwear. I didn't put on a bra today.

Chakrit notices my bare breasts, but says nothing and jumps into the lake. I follow him.

We swim for a while while talking about mom. What she was like, what she did, what things we have in common. I discover that she always wanted to study architecture, and that she loved the fine arts.

When night falls, the moonlight helps me navigate under the water. Chakrit hides and pulls me under; I swim up startled, and we hug each other. I feel my bare breasts, my aroused nipples pressing against his bare chest, and I shudder. I look up, and Chakrit wraps his arms around me intensely, and we stay like that until we hear my brother screaming, looking for us.

He's awake.

We separate and dress awkwardly in front of each other to go look for him.

Upon returning, I don't tell Ryan anything. Alina seems to realize before he does that something happened, but she doesn't know what.

"Did they treat you well?" Alina inquires.

I look at her and nod. Ryan seeks my lips and thrusts his tongue into my mouth in a messy kiss. We suck on each other a bit before letting go, and Ryan carries me to his room, saying goodbye to his mother.

The next day, I repeat the pattern: I spend the whole day with Aof, and when he falls asleep, Chakrit and I swim--this time completely naked--in the lake. We hug first, and look into each other's eyes before nightfall. This time, Chakrit lowers his face and I raise mine at the same time.

We seek each other's lips cautiously.

We slowly suck on each other's lips, and I feel myself getting wet. I climb up onto him, wrapping my legs around his hips, and hold onto his neck to keep kissing. Chakrit grabs my buttocks and kneads the flesh between his hands. I feel him starting to get aroused.

His erection is powerful and fast. Chakrit's penis is not as long as Ryan's, but it is very thick; he is well-endowed down there, the head of his penis is wide horizontally, and his penis has prominent veins showing.

It doesn't take long for us to groan against each other, trying to fuck.

When the head of Chakrit's erect member begins to penetrate me, I feel it stretch my walls. It hurts momentarily; I just kiss him with my eyes closed while he guides himself inside.

I twist my hips, and he urges me to stay still. He forces himself inside, and I hold my breath; I feel the walls of my cavity expanding much more than they are used to. It feels different, more intense, more primitive.

Chakrit grabs my buttocks and starts using them to manipulate my hips and slam me against him.

With every thrust, I see stars from the shock of not being used to it; I wiggle my ass as best as I can to join his cadence, and we both pant into each other's mouth while down there his penis destroys everything I thought I knew about sex.

"Do you also..." Chakrit kisses me. "... feel like we were meant to copulate? Were you also blown away when you met me...?"

I nod and kiss him with my mouth open.

Chakrit sucks my tongue, sucks my lips, and spanks me under the water. Only the mini waves caused by our movements and the cadence with which I rise and fall wrapped around him are noticeable.

"Ughhh." I try to speak, but I only groan.

"Ahh. Ahhh." Chakrit pants warmly in my ear, and I can't take it anymore and cum hard.

It has been quite an adventure.

"Hello, Ryan. It got late; I'll stay..." I try to make an excuse to Ryan while Chakrit sucks one of my nipples. I'm distracted watching how he sucks it with such passion. We are on a sofa in the back of the house, under the moonlight.

Chakrit didn't want to go inside for fear of waking up Aof.

"Are you sure? I can go pick you up, love..." Ryan tries to convince me to return while Chakrit inserts two fingers inside me and begins to suck my other nipple. I shudder and hang up on Ryan, refusing to let him come pick me up.

Chakrit keeps masturbating me and adds a third finger, too much for me. When he tries to touch my clitoris, it causes me to cum hard.

What a night.

When we are sure Aof is fast asleep, we enter the main bedroom. We get under the covers of Chakrit's bed and try not to make noise while we unite again as Aof is sleeping on the bedroom next to us.

This time Chakrit puts on a condom, turns me face down, and puts a pillow under my hips to elevate them. He sucks my buttocks until he leaves hickeys, and then enters me from behind; lying on top of me, he uses my buttocks as a trampoline to lift and lower his hips while thrusting as gently as he can to contain himself and not cause extreme noise in the bed.

He pulls my hair, pants in my ear, and grabs one of my tits while pinching my nipple.

"That's it, Bussaba. Shake those hips against me, let me hear you groan." Chakrit gets lost on pleasure. The bed begins to creak; too lost in the sensation, I move seductively beneath him.

Chakrit takes the opportunity to masturbate me while gently thrusting into me; with his face resting against mine, I listen to his aroused breathing and cum hard. We both fall asleep like that.

A week later, Chakrit asks me to move in with him.

I accept.