The Old Shadow Ch. 01: Forbidden Books

The door had always called to Kayla. Whenever she was in the library, studying the word of Castus, copying pamphlets or even when it was her turn to clean the stacks. The one door that every novice was forbidden to enter. Even experienced monks had to get approval from Sister Agnes before they were allowed to enter the forbidden area. What could be behind this thick wooden door that was so secret, so dangerous that it was locked away? She had tried asking. Of course, she had tried. She had pestered Brother Thomas with questions whenever she had the chance. And every time, the answer was the same. The door held texts that were forbidden to her. Which, of course, was exactly the wrong thing to tell someone as curious as Kayla. Over the years she had tried, with mixed success, to catch glimpses of whatever was behind the door. The door itself wasn't even that special. Just another brown oak door between the stacks of the library. The few times Kayla had been able to catch a glimpse from inside the door, she had just seen more bookshelves holding more books. She didn't understand, what could be in these books that was so dangerous that they needed to be kept behind lock and key?

Now was her chance. Brother Thomas had forgotten that Kayla was there. She had been on her knees, pretending to scrub the floor, but instead she had found a small book of Castus' fables. Whenever brother Thomas had peered her way, she had been moving her hands with the scrubber in movements that could be explained as scrubbing. As soon as the senior monk had returned to his normal work, Kayla's attention returned to the small book. It was supposed to be a book for young novices, telling about the virtues of the great god and the ways in which He had improved everyone's lives. Kayla liked it because it told a story of joy and fun.

Something that was very much missing in books the monastery was forcing her to read. The Laws of Castus, promoting modesty and honesty. How you should always praise Castus first. How you should not do something because it gives joy, but you should do it because it is useful. How labour in itself is a form of worshipping Castus. How you should withstand temptations and live a modest life. In comparison, the children's fables were almost fun. Or at least, compared to most of the other books in what they called the library of their monastery of Auri. One half was treatises on the explanation of the Libram of Castus. The other half was boring general knowledge, the knowledge of plants, almanacs of seasons gone by.

But of course, having fun in itself was heretical again. Still, she didn't really understand why you couldn't have fun and still be modest and honest. It seemed like cutting out a part of human nature just to please Castus was excessive. Then again, Kayla was still a novice, even at her age. At nineteen, most of the novices had graduated to acolyte and some were already on their way to become a full monk. Not Kayla. Kayla asked too many questions. Kayla was not serious enough. Kayla dared to laugh and have fun. She knew the mantra: Fun distracts from duty, Joy blinds us to truth, Pleasure weakens the will, Excess is the sin that undoes us all.

An acolyte had come up, and Brother Thomas had left the library in a hurry. Kayla was too far away to hear what the acolyte had said. But she was close enough to see the small iron key that the librarian always kept on his person fall from his pocket. She had expected the sound of iron hitting stone to alarm the monk to his loss, but it seemed that the message the acolyte had delivered was so urgent that he didn't hear it. The responsible thing was to take the key, put it back on Brother Thomas' desk and tell the monk that he had lost the key. Kayla actually was halfway to the large desk with its stained inkwell and its mess of opened and half-copied books when she caught another glimpse of the forbidden door. This was her chance. She had the key. There was nobody else in the library. She could finally see why these books were forbidden. She could just sneak in, take a quick peek and sneak back out. She would be gone before the monk even knew.

The door opened soundlessly. Kayla was a little disappointed. She had expected it to open with an ominous creak. Or at least something of a sound to mark the momentous occasion. Instead, she shuffled into the dim maze of book racks. Her sandals the only sound on the stone floor. She was finally there. The forbidden section. Her obsession of all these years. And now. It was a letdown. In her imagination, the room behind the door had been filled with all kinds of treasures, riches, artefacts, strange implements, tools. Instead, it was rows of dusty books.

Was this it? She had expected demonic tomes, crackling with energy, not these dusty old books. Next to the door hung a small lantern. As she lit it, she could see more of the forbidden library. Her finger caressed the spine of a dusty brown book. Just to see what the knowledge was that was so dangerous that it needed to be locked up, she opened the book. "Nature gods and other small deities - An overview of Aberrant Worship in Cauan". She skimmed the pages, it seemed to be a treatise of old kinds of worship of false idols. Kayla had never encountered anyone that didn't worship Castus. There were no other gods than Castus. And still, this researcher had sought out tales and fables in Cauan about other kinds of worship. They must be lies. Maybe it was a good thing the book was hidden away behind a locked door.

She read the spines of a few other books, a few were so heavily covered in dust, they were almost unreadable. Others she could read had interesting titles such as The Gilded Mirror, Tales of Leisure, Festivals of the Gods and the Laughing Saint. She opened a few of the books. Not everything seemed to be as subverting as the book about other gods. There were treatises on making clothes, books of jokes, cookbooks and novels. She was almost tempted to put one of the novels in her pocket, she knew Castus' Fables from front to back, this might be a new source of fun.

As she passed further into the rows of books the titles became less and less legible. Spines were covered with dust and the books looked to be older and older. Her attention was grabbed by one volume, a lot less dusty than the others. It was a small book, only half as thick as most other books in this forbidden library. Curiously she glanced at the spine, Verses of Longing. A scrap of paper protruded out from the book. A bookmark? She opened the book at the mark. Immediately she recognised the handwriting on the scrap as the elegant script of Brother Thomas. Had the monk been coming to this section, just to read this book? That would be forbidden. But still, the book looked like it had seen use a lot more recently than the other books around it. Brother Thomas was pretty young for a librarian. He had been uplifted to full monk only a little more than six years ago. With his head for words, he had soon replaced the old librarian after that one had died in his bed.

Would the young monk go here and read for his own pleasure? Kayla only knew him as the stern librarian that didn't allow any frivolous sounds or laughs. The Librarian had sent her out for punishment more times than she could recount. Would this strict monk really come here and read for his pleasure? Her eyes scanned the page. It was a poem called Silent Delights. The writer bade the recipient to stay silent while he -Kayla was pretty sure it must be a he- told where he would caress the recipient all over her body. Kayla felt herself get hot. This was not something that she had ever read before. This was pure lust springing from the page. She turned the book to another page, another poem, this one outlining the travels of a tongue over a body. She felt the warmth as her face went red with embarrassment. Kayla couldn't imagine who would read this kind of filth. Least of all Brother Thomas. Another poem, this one singing the praises of an unknown woman. A line for every body part. Kayla closed the book. She shouldn't read this. Quickly she placed the book back on the shelf.

How long had she been in here? Maybe brother Thomas was back already. She should leave the forbidden section before he could catch her. Kayla didn't know what the punishment was for getting caught in this part of the library. She knew it would be harsh. It would not be extra chores, loosing a meal or even being confined to solitary prayer. If she was caught, it would be the whip for her. Thinking about it made her shiver. She had been on the receiving end only once before, but the scars on her back remembered the day. Softly she followed the path her sandals had made in the dust and sneaked back to the door.

As she was about to open the door, she heard footsteps. Brother Thomas was back. If she came out now, he would surely find her. And then it was the whip. Maybe even the stocks. As quietly as she could, she closed the door. She was stuck here. Brother Thomas would be in the library until the dinner bell rung. She would have to hide here, hope that Brother Thomas wouldn't find a reason to enter the forbidden section. With nothing for it, she walked back between the shelves of forbidden books. If she was confined to the forbidden section, she would explore it as well as she could. She would probably never have another chance.

There were hundreds of books here. From big leather-bound tomes to small volumes and even some loose stacks of papers. She wondered why the monks of Castus hadn't just destroyed these heretical texts. If they were so dangerous, then why not make sure nobody could read them? There must be some kind of information in these books that could not be found anywhere else.

At the end of the bookcases there was another closed door. This one was made of heavy dark oak. Iron bands gave the door a fortified look. The door and its hinges looked ancient. The surrounding stone was older than any Kayla had seen in the rest of the monastery. Had the monastery of Auri been built around this small chamber? A heavy iron ring hung as door handle. Below it, an empty keyhole. Kayla tried the door. Locked. Of course. She hadn't expected it to be open. Another mystery inside her original mystery. Once more she pulled the door, but the large oak slab wouldn't budge. As she sated her curiosity for the forbidden library, a new closed door appeared. She lifted her lantern higher, there, on a nail a few paces away from the door hung a heavy iron key. The handle was an ornate depiction of Castus symbol of the Empty Circles. The iron was cold. Kayla tried the key on the lock. Had to force it a little bit, but then she felt the door unlock. This time, when she pulled the handle, the door opened. An ominous creaking sound. The kind of sound that Kayla had expected the door to a forbidden library to make.

The inside was pretty small. A square maybe four by four paces big. She lifted her lantern to illuminate the room. All four heavy stone walls held a large rendition of Castus empty circles. The room was empty except for a lonely wooden lectern. A closed book lay on the lectern. Kayla could see the large black leather tome inlaid with red gems. It looked like an ornate version of the Libram Casticam, the holy book of Castus. She had never seen such an opulent version. Castus preached modesty in everything. The book that Sister Agnes read from was covered in simple brown leather. There was nothing simple in this version. This book looked like it would be worth more than the whole monastery itself. Like the Libram that Sister Agnes always read, this one also didn't have any writing on the outside. Any good believer would know the Libram by looks alone. Now that she was closer to the book she could see some evidence of damage, the cover was charred in places and had gouges in other places. It looked like somebody had tried to destroy the book, but the book had survived. What could this Libram be, that it had to be locked in its own chapel, with Castus' wards all around it? Why had people tried to destroy it? And why was it here?

Kayla's curiosity was now truly piqued. If she had to spend time here until the dinner bell rang, this book would be the one she wanted to examine. Warily, she opened the book. She didn't want Brother Thomas or anybody else in the monastery to know that she had been here. If she broke the old book, they would know someone had been here. She needn't be that careful, as the book opened easily. The first page showed a small motto, her hand went to her mouth, scandalized. It looked like a corruption of Castus' mantra: Worship with joy, cast aside what doesn't delight, let temptation be your guide. What kind of book was this? It wasn't as bad as the poetry book, but it surely was close. She turned another page. The first law: Worship is an act of Joy. Her eyes were glued to the page. Worship wasn't supposed to be joyous. Followers of Castus were not supposed to find joy, they were supposed to find usefulness. After all, that was Castus' second law. She should close the book. She should not be reading this kind of blasphemy.

Still, her eyes continued over the page. *Worship is joy, Joy is worship. The most important part of life is living it to the fullest. As the God proclaims, every act of joy brings you closer to the divine. Think not, what can I do to be useful? Think, what can I do to increase the joy in the world?* Kayla felt a blush creep up her cheeks. This was in direct contradiction with all the laws of Castus that the monks had taught her over the years. It was so different from the kind of life that everyone lived. She started to understand the scorch marks and the indentations of weapons. This book was antithetical to all of Castus teachings. And still she kept reading. The book explained about joy. About what you could do to increase your own joy in life. It taught about giving in to temptations. To indulge in curiosity. At that point, Kayla had to pause. Had she already been following the first law of this Libram? Her decision to enter the forbidden section of the library had been only to sate her curiosity. A good follower of Castus would have picked up the key and returned it to Brother Thomas. Instead, Kayla had indulged herself. Had let her curiosity win and had unlocked the forbidden door. Fascinated, she kept reading. The book explained about joy, about pleasure in thought and in act. She was so engrossed that she almost jumped up when she heard the large monastery bell ring to announce dinner time.

That night, in the tiny cell the monastery allowed novices to have, she thought back to her afternoon in the forbidden section. It had been quite easy to slip out of the library, she had made sure to lock the door behind her. She was about to drop the key on Brother Thomas' desk when she heard Beatrice call out. "Hurry up. You don't want to be late again!"

Quickly Kayla pocketed the key and ran after the Acolyte. They had been Novices together, but Beatrice had been promoted last year, while Kayla's curiosity and propensity to ask questions had kept her in the ranks of the novices. While she pulled her novice's habit over her head, she heard the small clink of the key dropping to the ground. After dinner, she had done her chores and had forgotten about the key. She would bring it back tomorrow. She slipped into her small hard bed and tried to get to sleep. Even though it had been a long day with a lot of physical labour, sleep kept eluding her. Her mind kept wandering back to her adventures in the library. First the discovery of Brother Thomas' book of sultry poems. Then the heretical Libram proselytising joy and pleasure. When the dinner bell rang, Kayla had been reading about the joy of the body. Her cheeks were as red as apples while the Libram explained that the first pleasure was the pleasure of the body. It went in depth about how one should first follow their own pleasure, and the best way to do that was to pleasure themselves. Although Kayla had been scandalised, she had also felt her body react to these new thoughts. Just as it did now while she was thinking back to the libram in bed. Her fingers traced over her nightshirt while thoughts of her own pleasure filled her mind. Wherever her fingers touched the rough fabric, she felt a trail of goosebumps appear. Every touch felt new. Kayla had touched herself often enough while washing, then why did these small traces of her fingertips over her nightshirt give all kinds of new sensations? Was it just the thought of heretical pleasure that the Libram promised? The book almost read as a list of instructions. Kayla had tried to commit the pages she read to memory.

*To know oneself is the first step to pleasure. Explore thyself. Take note. Remember what gives pleasure.*

Kayla shrugged out of her nightshirt. The coarse fabric dampened the sensations too much. She wanted to touch herself. Wanted to find her pleasure. The fingers of her right hand traced over her left arm. Up from her hand, to her elbow. Her fingers tickled the soft flesh on the inside of her elbow. Every touch felt amplified. As if reading the forbidden book had been enough to increase the sensitivity of her skin. She continued. Upper arm, shoulder, over the clavicle to the valley of her neck. That felt better. Her fingers soft like feathers, tracing a trail of energy. She trailed further up, the soft skin behind her ears tickled. Over her cheeks, to her plump lips. She closed her lips around her index finger and sucked. Then she drew the slick finger down her body, over her chin, from her neck to her sternum. All the while she kept a list of her sensitive spots; the inside of her elbow, the hollow of her neck, behind her ear, the softness of her lips. Her finger traced into the valley between her modest breasts, she stroked more to the right. The closer she got to her nipple, the more the sensations increased. Her finger traced the light brown of her areola. An unfamiliar tickle-like sensation spread out from her breasts. Was this the pleasure the book had spoken of? She felt how her nipple hardened in her fingers. Standing to attention, a lot more sensitive than normally. Her left hand joined the exploration. Now she was teasing both her nipples. Caressing, pinching, twisting. She felt herself start to breathe heavier. Her body was responding to her exploring fingers. For a few moments she was satisfied with enjoying all the new sensations in her breasts.

The Libram had told her to explore herself. She should keep going, there might be more pleasurable spots on her body. Her right hand continued its exploration. A trail of sensitive sparks following the wake of her fingers. Downwards and downwards. Following her soft skin. A small spark of sensation as she reached her belly button. The sensation was... interesting, it was like all her nerves were suddenly paying attention. Her fingers travelled further down until they reached the band of her panties. There was a sense of anticipation. The lower her fingers went, the more her expectation built. The fingers of her right hand slipped under the fabric and found her blond pubes. She caressed the soft curly hairs. Wherever her fingers touched, she felt a trail of sparks. Down, lower.

She felt she had to go further. Her hairs were hiding a treasure. Her mouth opened in anticipation. Her breath deepened. Kayla had all but forgotten about her left hand until she subconsciously pinched her left nipple. She let out a moan at the unintended sensation. It should hurt, but it didn't. It was almost like the feeling in her nipple was connected to the trail of anticipation that her right hand was trailing in her panties. Her hand went further down and she spread her legs. She needed space. Under the fabric, her fingers explored further. Wherever her fingers touched, her body reacted. Down, through her hair, between her legs the treasure waited.

It felt as if a lightning bolt struck her when her fingers reached her pussy. Never before had she been so sensitive. Her fingers traced the outside of her lips and she shivered in anticipation. Her index finger was tracing the soft area between her pussy and her leg on her left side. Her ring finger was copying the move on the right side. Her middle finger traced over the warm outside of her pussy. She felt the sensations well up inside her. Forgotten were the sensations of her elbow, her neck, her ears or her lips. Her pussy was where she was most sensitive. Her pussy held the most pleasure. Her middle finger kept stroking up and down the outside of her lips. Warmth was spreading through her body. An unfamiliar wetness as she kept teasing herself. Slowly her lips parted. Each stroke, her middle finger got wetter. Each stroke, her lips parted a little more for her finger. She shouldn't. This was against Castus' teachings. One should not do something just because it was fun. But then, why did it feel so good? She hesitated. Her hand started to withdraw from her panties.

*Go on, do what feels natural.* Was that a voice in her head? Was it something she read in the forbidden Libram? With her fingertips still in her panties, she stopped. She felt the warmth of her fingers on her belly. Felt the unrequited need in her nethers.

*Explore. Find pleasure.* Her fingers started creeping back. Why should she stop? She was not hurting anyone. Just as her fingers were about to reach her pussy again, she stopped. She stood up from her cot. Her hands stripped down her panties. A visible wet spot in her crotch. She stepped out of her underwear and laid back on her hard bed. This time, there was no teasing. Immediately her right hand found her wet waiting pussy. Her left hand went back to caressing her breasts. Stroking, teasing, pinching. She started panting in anticipation. Her middle finger between her labia. Wet from her excitement. A little pressure. Her lips parted easily. Eager to allow her probing finger entrance. Her finger stroked upward, spreading the wet lubrication. She almost jumped from her bed as the slippery digit reached the nub at the top of her pussy. The feelings so intense she almost didn't dare touch it. Her finger slid back down, and then inexorably back up it was like the little nub wanted to be touched. Almost like it was the centre of her pleasure.

*You deserve it.* Her finger sliding easily between her wet lips. Her finger found its way back to her clit. Softly, she touched it. A tremor ran through her body. Another touch, another spasm. It was almost too much. But still she didn't stop touching herself. Inexorably her fingers were drawn towards her pussy, towards her clit. Each touch followed the previous one a little quicker. She was experimenting, trying to find out what she liked best. Slow strokes around her clit, soft caresses directly on her clit. Pleasure was building inside her. She felt it in her pussy, in her legs, her abs, her nipples, her lips. Ready for release. So very nearly ready.

*You need more.* She needed more. Her left hand left her nipples, found its way between her legs to the wet hole that was waiting for her attention. While her right hand was caressing her clit, she felt her own wetness on the fingertips of her left hand. Her index finger found its way between her folds. Her wet pussy was welcoming the digit. Slowly she pushed inside. Wet walls slippery around her, contracting to the rhythm of her other hand on her clit. As the digit entered inside her, she let out a sigh. Then, slowly, she pulled it back out before pushing it inside her again.

*Feel it. Enjoy it.* Her finger started moving faster and faster. Her fingers now rubbing her clit. She felt the sensations build. A dam holding a huge reservoir of pleasure filling up. She tried to be silent, she didn't want to wake up any of the other novices in this hall. It was getting harder and harder. The wet squelching sounds of her fingers in her pussy, her sighs interjected by moans. It felt so good to pleasure herself. Why had she never done this before? Was it the book? Maybe she should stop. But it felt so good.

*Surrender.* Small cracks appeared in the dam. Mewling moans escaped her lips as she entered a second finger in her pussy. The feeling of being filled up. Her walls gripping her fingers but making way at the same time. A deeper moan this time. Even if she wanted to stop, Kayla was not sure she could. Every push, every twitch, more cracks appeared in the dam.

*Come for me.* The pleasure overtook her. Her body convulsed around her fingers. Each small touch adding to the sensations. Each touch extending her orgasm. She kept going until she couldn't take anymore. She lay panting in her sweaty bed. Beads of transpiration on her body. Small twitches reminding her of the pleasure she had so long been denied by the teachings of Castus.

*Again.* Her hands almost moved on their own. Tracing trails of pleasure down to her crotch. She jumped up as her hand touched her sensitive pussy. Her body was reacting to the tiniest of touches. Still, inexorably her fingers found her slit. Two fingers in her pussy, her thumb on her clit. Pushing, building, fucking. She felt the orgasm come. Felt it in her toes, in her nipples, in the sensitive parts of her neck. Felt it as her abs tightened. She came. She didn't even try to stifle her moans as she humped against her fingers. Surely this was against Castus teachings, indulging herself like this.

*Again.* Her body was sweaty, her fingers were covered in her own juices. The pleasure building even quicker this time. One hand on her pussy, the other one pinching her nipples. She should stop. She couldn't stop. It felt so good. Why had the god forbidden this?

*Again.* Pleasure built at her fingers. Kayla's pussy was the epicentre of her being. If only she had read the book sooner. She would have known this pleasure sooner. Her body convulsed.

*Again.* There was only pleasure. Her fingers had not even left their place at her pussy during her previous orgasm. This is what Lacuna wanted. This is what her body was for. Unending pleasure.

*Again.* She wanted this. She needed this.

She wanted more.