Best Laid Schemes O' Mice and Men

"It's our golden anniversary tomorrow"

"You're a bit early with the golden wedding celebrations, that's still years away"

"I'm not talking about our wedding anniversary, I'm talking about the 50th anniversary of me popping your cherry, remember we waited till your 16th birthday so it was legal!"

"How could I forget, 4 days it took you!"

"Really! Don't remember you being that elusive"

" I wasn't, you were just that incompetent".

Then the memories started flooding back, the broken contraceptive machine in the pub, the parent free Saturday party at your best friends, her spare bedroom, all good to go until........

"Undercarriage up, Crown Jewel's staying under lock and key tonight!" you said deviantly when I had to confess my failings. The dry hump was fun though, introducing your undies to your ovaries! "The look your mates face as she opened the door to announce "Dads Taxi's here" was priceless."

"Not as priceless as having to invent a story to explain to my dad about your little accident in the back seat."

" What accident, I don't remember any accident?

" Dad said there's a blanket on the parcel shelf if you're cold in the back. So we snuggled in tight. I unzipped your fly, released the Beast and bingo, Rolling Stones Album (Sticky Fingers) in record time. You thanked my dad for the lift home and whispered "usual time and place, Scouts honour" in my ear before waving goodnight."Nowadays messaging would be done by texting something like"CUat 1 uus.4 5ex+ kit" (see you at 1pm usual spot for sex with condom)

Dad was so particular about his car." Sorry but we've spilt a can of Irn bru in the back and it's all gooey", knowing what his response would be."You know the rules, whoever makes the mess cleans it up." So with a knowing smile, the blanket went into the washing machine after a quick wipe down of the car upholstery.

Onto Day 2 of "The Virginity Crusades". An ultra fast Sunday morning paper round followed my success purchasing a pack of three at the newsagents. I was like a Cheshire Cat heading for Hidden Hollow, our love nest squirrelled away from prying eyes.

It was a hot muggy day. "I take it you got the right equipment this time?" you asked."Full military uniform on and standing to attention, ready for inspection Ma'm."

"What, you've put one on already?"

"I didn't want to damage another pair of your best in the warm up."

"Best examine the dress code then" you said wantonly, running your hands over my shorts, as there was an almighty flash.""Didn't know you kept fireworks in your pants?" before realising it was lightening. Thunder and torrential rain followed and in minutes we were soaked to the skin.

Day 2 play abandoned due to inclement weather. Monday evening was badminton night at the youth club 7.30-10pm. There were 2 courts and ten players. By 9.20pm we had played all our round robin games so with the other eight still on court we sneeked off to the changing rooms.

I followed you into the ladies and slid my hands up your Fred Perry pleated skirt."You're chancing it" you said."God your bums sexy in that skirt, and juicey lucy." I quip, sliding my fingers inside your well lubricated pants"Looks like you are pleased to see me judging by the size of your flagpole, don't tell me you've already..." when the tannoy announced "Due to maintenance work tonight's session will be ending early please make your way to the exit" Day 3 aborted due to building works!

Sitting on the bus on the way home we wondered if we were fated never to consummate."My mum at a coffee evening tomorrow and Dad runs a night class so we could have my house to ourselves for a couple of hours" I suggest hopefully.

"Right let's go for it otherwise we will get to pension age as celibates."

And so the scene was set. All we had to do was wait till my parents left around 7.30p. m and creep in via the back door for 2 hours of debauchery. Luxury!

I remember recording tape tracks on my Sony Walkman of "first time" music... Tonight's the Night (Rod Stewart), Sweet Caroline(Neil Diamond), Paradise by the dashboard light (Meatloaf) and many others. Today Spotify would in all likelihood shuffle play more modern songs... Like a Virgin(Madonna) or the rapper anthem Wet Dreamz.(J)

Innocence to be lost melodically, on home territory, my bedroom, Utopia!

I go to the bathroom. After misfitting and ripping the first durex, I succeed at the second attempt. I robe up into my dressing gown and grab a pencil and magnifying glass from the bathroom cabinet as props (cigarette and monocle) for the intended P. G. Woodhouse impression. I return to find you lying on your back, naked, squeezing a pillow between your legs. You throw your undies at me saying "I don't want to have to explain to mum how Bertie ripped another pair of my knickers."

" I might need instructions how to remove that contraceptive device you are wearing, Jeeves." I mock. The pillow does a triple salchow over the wardrobe as you seductively part your legs with a wanton expression on your face.

Your long hair covers your upper body, I brush it aside to reveal your virginal breasts. one stroke with my hand and your swollen engorged nipples become erect to the touch." Want to examine my device?" I ask slowly untying my dressing gown cord, and continuing the Bertie masquerade, I pretend to exhale from the pencil saying his classic line" Put that in your cigarette holder and smoke it."

But suddenly my bravado evaporates, the monocle falls to the floor and full blown panic sets in. What next? Is it like a pilot landing an airplane, just aim for a soft landing on the runway? Or steer like a car, and park? Or just gently push home like a Yale key to unlock? Or does it get sucked in automatically like a hoover? You look a lot less worried than me.

" Your devise looks a bit small to me, couldn't you get a bigger one?" You jest. That broke the ice. I jumped on top of you, feeling miffed, all worries forgotten only to hear "Whoa, Slow down cowboy, I know you have to use it to lose it, and you can use it again, but you can only lose it once", as Take It Easy (Eagles) starts playing appropriately on the Dolby.

We both have a look that says "at last" as you carefully wrap your legs around me and grab my buttocks with both hands. A little tilt of your pelvis and nature took over, no pilot, driver, keys, or hoover needed. We start to become as one as first I feel the joy of penetration followed by the feeling of release as your hymen pops, quickly followed by another back seat of the car moment.

"That didn't take as long as I thought." you say with a slightly disappointed look.

"I think I will improve with practice, lots of practice." I reply a bit embarrassed. "Well I'm not looking for you to better your PB if thats what you mean, so maybe a little bit more foreplay next time." you say cheekily with a contented look on your face as you continue to squeeze my deflating friend delightfully with your vaginal muscles. I tenderly massage your neck as the tension releases out of your body and you become putty in my hands. The cassette player changes poignantly to the next track, Will you love me tomorrow, (Shirelles).

I detumesce fully and slide off your body as you curl into a foetal position. Immediately I grasp the opportunity to form a spoon continuing the neck massage. My hands wander and the massage extends to your breasts. I find your nipples hard and erect as I squeeze them with my finger tips. My free hand drifts down between your legs passing over your mons pubis. Your love juices flow freely as I seek out your swollen love bud and press firmly on the turgid organ." How about this for five play!" I taunt. "Mmmm, that's nice." you say as your body starts to quiver and tense up again. I make small circular motions round your clitoris as you say "Faster, ohh my god, faster!" The track changes poetically to Don't stop me now(Queen) as your body reaches its own climax. "Yes, yes, yes, Uhhhhh,..... that was good. Now we're even sevens."You say, finally freeing yourself of the virgin label.

That seems such a long time ago, 40 years plus. We have had our share of ups and downs over the years, refining our technique along the way, but we make sure our love making always finishes all square on the orgasmometer, usually to the accumpliment of Love to love you Baby(Donna Summers) followed by EndlessLove (Lionel Ritchie) as an encore.