Unassisted Triple Play

This is my submission to the Halloween 2026 contest. I hope you like it!!

"Oh my God!! That's way sexier than I thought," I said to my wife, Rita. We were getting ready for the Halloween party my best friend Rick throws every year.

Rita revealed her surprise costume with a big grin on her face. I had, in past years, suggested that she wear a sexy costume to the party. In past years she's been a scarecrow, a witch, Mario (to my Luigi), and others, but nothing sexy. Tonight, she had taken my suggestion and run with it.

A french maid costume is pretty sexy to begin with but she hadn't just bought a Halloween store french maid costume. This was the kind of outfit you'd see in a porn

movie or at least soft porn. Her boobs were pushed up with a beautiful cleavage valley. The skirt was short and flared out with some white frill under the black skirt. When she turned around for my viewing benefit, I could see the beginning of her ass cheeks without bending over. The flirty feather duster was the pièce de résistance. I realized my cock had hardened fully and was straining against my cup.

My hypergamy was both a blessing and a curse as men always stare at, hit on, or try to bed my wife. Luckily she's extremely loyal to me.

I was going as a baseball player. Ted Williams to be exact. I had the athletic build and six foot frame to pull it off. My period authentic number 9 Red Sox uniform of "Teddy Ballgame" would be pretty identifiable by most of my Boston area friends. The look wouldn't be complete without my authentic Louisville Slugger signed by "The kid" himself. It had been given to me by my father, Richard, before he died of cancer several years ago.

"I thought this might cause you to pitch a tent," Rita said. "Don't you think I'm sexy?" I reached in my pants and pulled out the cup showing a now very prominent tent.

"I think it's pretty serendipitous that my costume has a built in cage. I'd be embarrassed walking around with a boner all night. You are, without a doubt, going to be the sexiest person at the party. The guys are going to shit themselves. I hope you plan on flirting."

"You WANT me to flirt? That's kind of fucked up!! You aren't one of those weirdo cuckolds now are you?" She smiled slyly. I knew she was kidding but it was still a bit of a gut punch.

"No, but seeing other guys trying to get in your panties is a rush. Remember when my boss was all over you at the Christmas party? I enjoyed that in some sick way. I imagined him threatening my job or offering a promotion if I let him do as he pleased with you."

"Wow!! Really!! That's why the sex was so great that night? Is that what you want?" Rita looked pissed, kind of.

"No Babe, not at all. I'm just telling you where my depraved mind went in that moment. Still, I admit that you flirting excites me. In this costume it's going to blow my mind."

"Well if we can have a repeat of that sex then I'll do what I can. You wanna pick out which underwear all the guys are gonna get a peak at?"

"Oh fuck yeah. The white lacy ones, no doubt. What a pissah!!"

------

The party was well underway when we arrived fashionably late. Rick's Halloween parties drew upwards of 150 people. Being a bit late meant we had to park a quarter mile away and walk to the house.

On the way we were walking across the street from another attendee dressed like a vampire. He was walking slowly with a leisurely gate like he was in no hurry at all. I said loudly, "That's quite a nice costume. It looks very authentic." The man turned slowly toward us. He looked intrigued. He stared at Rita for a bit too long. Without a word and still locked on to Rita, he walked toward us.

It dawned on me that this entire time Rita hadn't spoken, moved, or stopped looking at this man. The man extended his hand and as I put my hand out he guided his own into Rita's limp hand, picking it up to his lips where he placed a luxurious kiss on the back.

"Xavier Zimmerman, very pleased to meet you." Without taking his gaze off Rita's dark eyes and raven hair, Xavier moved his hand toward me to shake.

"Roy Rollins. This is MY WIFE Rita." His hand was cold but strong. He was quite handsome from a man's point of view. He was tall and lanky but also had defined muscles. Dark slicked back hair matched his dark eyes. In fact he was so good looking that I was becoming a bit insecure with how they were acting.

"I love alliterative names, Xavier," Rita replied in a whisper and still looking deeply into his eyes. Her feather duster rose to his chest where she teasingly brushed his jacket.

"It was a pleasure meeting you folks. I hope we can meet up inside at some point," the stranger said as he turned to enter the house.

Rick's home was a large modern architectural marvel. A mix of stone, glass, steel, and artistic decor. A large fire roared and crackled in the giant stone fireplace. The foyer extended three floors up with a modern centerpiece chandelier hanging the entire length. At 5800 square feet, his home has six bedrooms, 7 bathrooms, and several very large open living/entertainment areas. Therefore 150 people at this party were not cramped. There were bars manned with hired bartenders on each floor and a constantly replenished flow of hors d'oeuvres.

Rick has always been a great host through the years. Halloween always was his biggest party and my personal favorite.

"Babe, what was all that about? I thought you were going to kiss him right there," I asked, the scene outside still gnawing at my psyche.

"What? You asked me to flirt. That's what flirting looks like. Do you want me to tone it down or forget about your request?" I realized that what I really wanted was for my sexy wife to tease men tonight in her alluring costume.

"No, you're right. I do want you to flirt and tease tonight. I was wrong. It just made me a little uneasy because that guy seemed a little overly infatuated." Her face changed from playful to serious thought like she was daydreaming.

"So flirting and teasing is okay?" I nodded. "Then you should leave me alone and watch from afar. Do you agree?" She playfully tickled my face with her feathers.

"Sure Babe. I'm gonna go say hi to Rick while I still see him. Are you sure you don't want to hang with me?" My eyes drifted past Rita to the room behind her. I was shocked to realize many males had their eyes fixed on Rita.

"I'm sure. I'll go mingle and you enjoy the show." She turned towards the leering men who were gentlemen enough to stop staring. We know many of the guests as they are within our friend group but many others are complete strangers.

I made my way to our host who was surrounded by guests thanking him for hosting such a great party and complimenting his home. Captain America must be one of his business associates since they were talking shop for a bit. Rick cut off the work conversation with his eyes focused on me.

"Roy, so glad you came. I think you have been coming to this party longer than anyone. Did you bring Rita?" Rick was warmly shaking my hand as I glanced over to where I had seen Rita last. She was in a group of superheroes giggling and waving her feather duster around seductively. My heart jumped at the sight. It was both arousing and humiliating.

"Yeah Rick, Rita's around here somewhere mingling. I'm sure she'll track you down."

"Great, I can't wait to see what kind of wacky costume she's wearing this year. Listen, I have to go tend to a situation in the kitchen, I'll catch up with you later, alright?"

"Sure Rick, see you later." As Rick turned his back on me, I immediately turned to watch Rita. I was making small talk with some of Rick's colleagues but angled myself so I could watch Rita. She was the center of attention in the large front room. A mummy and Predator had moved into the same group which now had eight, presumably men, focused on my wife.

I had a weird feeling in the pit of my stomach as Rita laughed and leaned into a guy with her hands on his arm. She was acting a bit drunk even though I knew she was just finishing her first drink. She put her drink down and Captain America joined the group in time to get her a fresh drink. I hadn't even noticed him leaving our group but he was facing the same direction as me so I assume he was drawn to Rita by her appearance and her acting like a succubus.

I was still talking and listening as the delicious jealousy took hold of my gut. Rita dropped her duster. When she bent over to pick it up, the men standing around her gawked at her deep cleavage from one side and her white lacy panties from my side. Adrenaline shot through my veins realizing that I picked her sexiest panties. The ones I wanted to remove before our long night of passion tonight. The ones that were sheer lace all over. My imagination saw the outline of her pussy from forty feet away. At least I hoped it was my imagination, but if I were standing where Captain America was right now, I think it would be quite clear.

I had to admit to myself it was exciting but I was also jealous, humiliated, and angry, Just when I started feeling like I needed to go drag my wife home, she turned her head to catch my eye. She winked at me! It had a bit of a calming effect. At least she remembered she has a husband and wasn't forgetting about me.

She had turned toward me and I could see that the laces meant to cinche up her bust were untied now. She looked at me with a sinister smile and dropped her duster AGAIN!! This time, as she bent over to pick it up, her breasts were hanging down and almost spilling out. Captain America seemed impressed since he was wearing tights with very little hiding his half chub. My own hard cock was painfully straining against the athletic cup I was so fortunate to be wearing.

I had nervously downed my drink so I left the room to get a fresh Hendrick's and tonic. The bar on this level was quite crowded. By the time I returned I couldn't find Rita. Now I know what you're thinking, I don't believe Rita would ever cheat on me. However losing her in the crowd certainly put my nerves on edge. I looked for a group of guys but came up empty. I finally decided to try the second floor. When I reached the stairs I noticed several of the same guys from her fan group were at the glass stairs looking up.

Of course she was walking up the glass stairs and EVERYONE could see her white lace panties and her pussy through them. I had to admit it was exciting to see the effect she had on these men. The ones dressed as superheroes in spandex tights had noticeable hardons by now and didn't care. My hard cock was uncomfortably encapsulated in the athletic cup I was not prepared to remove.

Rita finally reached the second floor and disappeared from sight. I noticed several of the fan boys moving to ascend the stairs themselves. I was lucky enough to bump into one of my close friends, Jake. We talked for a while before I politely left him to find Rita.

The second floor has the master bedroom, a large living room, and a huge deck over the back yard. I didn't see Rita and ended up getting pulled into several conversations since many of my close friends were hanging out here. I eventually was able to go back to looking for Rita. My heart was set on watching her tease and flirt but I couldn't find her. Again, I know what you're thinking but she would never cheat on me. I just wanted a ringside view of her antics.

I needed some fresh air and wanted to check for her on the deck. There were some couples out there smoking or making out. I know from previous years that the third floor was the place to go if you wanted privacy (if you know what I mean). Almost everyone out on the deck was a couple but I needed air so I took a spot on the railing to collect my thoughts and enjoy some of my drink.

I hunched over the railing, breathing in the crisp October night air, thinking about my beautiful wife dressed in a French maid costume. I was literally getting hard just thinking about her.

The backyard is a beautifully manicured area with some hedgerows and a few topiary. There's a tennis court, jacuzzi, and a swimming pool at the end of each walkway.

Suddenly I noticed movement on one of the paths. It didn't surprise me since many hookups happened at this party every year. The jacuzzi and pool were popular for getting away and having privacy. It became clear that the figure in the dark was Xavier from outside. The guy dressed like a vampire. He was walking very slowly arm in arm with someone. I couldn't see the other person at first until they strolled a bit further down the path. Rita!! Fuck, I could see the white ruffles under her skirt. It had to be her.

Now I know what you're thinking but there must be a logical explanation. I jumped back two feet and started a fast walk through the crowd to get out back. It wasn't easy navigating through all the people and the friends that wanted to talk but I made it to the door and jogged toward the pool first. There was a couple in the pool, their costumes had been shed by the cabana. I knew right away it wasn't Rita as the woman was being taken from behind and was moaning loudly. It was not Rita's voice. As I passed silently the woman crept up to a fascinating orgasmic crescendo.

After the show at the pool I continued my quest to find Rita and Xavier. As I approached the area with the jacuzzi, I could hear low voices. It was definitely Rita. Rather than burst in on them, I stayed back where I could see them in the jacuzzi with the glistening light of the jacuzzi itself but not be seen since I used a topiary Rhino as cover.

I wasn't close enough to hear what was being said but I could see two piles of clothes nearby the sunken jacuzzi. We have often been in a hot tub with others, nude. I wouldn't call it a crazy thing for her to do, but without me? They were close to each other and now whispering into each other's ears. In fact Xavier had his arm around Rita.

They were just too cozy to leave things alone. I trust Rita, I really do but this is bordering on inappropriate behavior for a married woman. She may have indulged more in the alcohol than I thought and just lost a bit too much of her inhibitions.

I stepped out from my concealed location and slowly inched up to the jacuzzi. Xavier noticed me first.

"Ah, the prodigal husband has returned. I'm sorry but I'm up to bat, you'll have to wait on deck." Rita hadn't even moved her eyes from Xavier's.

"Rita, I think it's time to go back inside," I said worried about the response. She didn't answer or look at me.

Xavier turned to look at me with piercing red eyes. "Now Ted, I mean Roy, I'm hoping to hit a homerun tonight. Is that going to make us adversaries?" His statement and the eyes sent adrenaline pulsing through my veins. The baseball reference just annoyed me.

"You were introduced to my wife by me, her husband, Roy. If you think you are going further than putting an arm around her while she's naked, well then yes we will have a problem." I stepped closer to the jacuzzi so I would be standing directly over the couple. I shouted, "RITA!! Let's go!! It's time to leave!" She didn't flinch or even look at me. What was going on? He had her under some kind of a spell. Xavier sighed.

"It's no use, Roooyyyy," he said in a mocking snarl. "She doesn't want to leave. I promised to make her my slut and she seems very attuned to the idea. How about you Roy? Do you have a cuckold fantasy?"

"No, and I won't let you do this. Did you drug her? I'm calling the police if she isn't out of that tub now." I was seething.

"Okay Roy, no need to get your panties in a bunch. We'll get out." Xavier stood up with his back to me and pulled Rita by the hand to standing. As he turned around I was aghast at the size and color of his evil cock. It was the largest I have ever seen. The huge red swollen member was only half erect. "You like my Fenway Frank?" He said as he inched toward me.

I shook my head. "No, I don't." I couldn't tear my eyes away from the horrible tool.

Xavier extended his hand for a handshake. "We can be civil about this, after all, she is your wife. I'm a reasonable man."

Thinking he was about to acquiesce to my demands, I shook his hand. That was a mistake. Immediately I was not in control of my body.

"Why don't you have a seat, Roy. Rita wants you to see something." He guided my now two-timing body to one of the Adirondack chairs in the area. I had zero control over my body. Rita now led Xavier to a very lush patch of grass directly in front of me. Now, I know what you're thinking, and you're probably right. My heart sank as Rita laid on her back, naked, with her legs open wide. Could this be some sort of Halloween prank? It's just too unbelievable.

Xavier looked at me, "Batter up! Looks like Roy has been thrown out of the game. Don't worry buddy, I'll get a grand slam for the team."

"Fuck you, you are batshit crazy!"

"Hahahaha, that's more true than you know. Now, it's time to steal a couple bases."

I wanted to move, to get up and tackle that asshole like Andre Tippett sacking Pat Ryan. I just couldn't move anything voluntarily below my neck.

Xavier stood straddling Rita's head. To my horror she willingly reached up to stroke his monter cock. His cock started to swell and stiffen into a massive red log.

Xavier grinned at me and said, "I guess you struck out. Don't feel too bad about it though, I'm a hall of famer." This is when I noticed his cock could move independently like a snake. It slithered it's way between her lips.

"Rita!! No!! What are you doing?" I was losing my mind. Rita parted her lips and almost had to detach her jaw to get the head in. I wanted to scream but I was in shock.

Xavier threw his head back. "AAAAAHHHH." Then I saw them, the fangs. I thought they were fake, like part of his costume but I could see they were real. His penis pulled back on it's own and stroked her cheek. He stepped back and knelt next to Rita. While his long thick red cock started stroking her erect nipples, Xavier leaned in to kiss Rita. With no regard for my presence, Rita french kissed Xavier long and deep. I began to hear a low deep moan coming from Rita. Then a surprised whimper and her eyes shot open.

Xavier pulled back, slowly but his tongue looked strange. As it became exposed I could see that it wasn't a tongue but now was a phallus. It wasn't as big as his huge crotch snake but was still quite long. Rita must have been deep throating him since she suddenly gasped for air. Xavier moved to kneel between her legs.

"RITA!! STOP!! LOOK at MEEEEE!!!" She didn't acknowledge me whatsoever. She reached down to rub her wet pussy lips then grasped his giant cock. She stroked it gently as it wriggled towards her snatch. The tip explored her folds, picking up her moisture and spreading it from top to bottom and especially around her clitoris. Rita gasped from the stimulation.

I felt helpless, I couldn't move anything but my lips which had become obviously useless. At least talking to Rita wasn't helpful, but perhaps Xavier could be swayed.

"Xavier!!! I'll give you anything you want. Just please stop. Why are you doing this? What has Rita done to deserve this?" The tip was foraging around her entrance when he chuckled.

"First you should know that Rita is not being punished at all. She will have a quite exhilarating experience tonight and for the foreseeable future. Second, the why? I'm taking my revenge on the offspring of my master's slayer. It was a terrible loss when your father murdered Diego. I was never able to get to him before he died a tragically natural death. Now I will be torturing his only son as solace."

His snake-like appendage plunged into her about six inches deep. Rita gasped deeply. It was not even halfway in but the fattest part was at her entrance and pushing slowly in. Rita started panting and whining.

"Yes, Oh God, that's soooo gooood!!!" Rita moaned while squirming on his cock. "OH FUCK, I'm going to CUM!!!" True to her word, she orgasmed on less than half his cock but all the girth.

It was like a nightmare but things were getting worse. Somehow a second snake head appeared while the first started moving inside Rita enough for me to see it pushing out on her abdomen. The second one seemed to be rooted like a tail from behind his anus. To my horror the newest addition was surely intent to get into Rita's ass. It nudged her sphincter causing Rita to gasp yet again.

Rita spit in her palm, reached down and lubed up Xavier's impossible second dick. It too was red and ugly but seemed to be less girthy than the other.

"Fuck me, Xavier. Fuck my ass too!!" She was pulling his tail cock urging him on. The cock, acting seemingly independently, pushed steadily at her back door. It finally popped in several inches at once.

"YES!! That feels so good!! I never knew!!"

Xavier snickered, "Yes, double penetration is one of the greatest gifts to a woman, but let's make you airtight. Then we can both finish in spectacular fashion.

Xavier kissed her while working his two snakes deeper and deeper as they squirmed around hitting all of Rita's g-spots.

Rita grimmaced at first then sighed through her nose. She began moaning in Xavier's mouth now having three gnarly monster cocks in her orifices. It may have been my imagination but she seemed very happy.

Neither one could talk so when Rita convulsed and her eyes rolled back in her head it was a surprise for me. She had a death hug on her evil lover.

Xavier started to move in an awkward way, up and down, in and out. He seemed more pale than usual and quite a bit uglier. Suddenly he too shook from head to toe and made a screaching noise around his mouth cock. The giant ball sack between his two cocks was twitching and contracting. He was cumming. I had expected to see some white goo after he removed himself but I didn't have to wait and it wasn't white. His black as ink semen was squirting out from around each of his embedded staffs. It was running down Rita's thighs and ass. Xavier pulled his mouth dick out and semen was still pouring out into her mouth and onto her cheeks and chin.

"How did I do, Master?" Rita asked while staring adoringly into Xavier's black eyes.

"You were fantastic my dear. I'm sure Roy enjoyed it as much as we did. Just call me John Valentin. That was my unassisted triple play." He looked at me with sinister eyes. I was about to retort in some way but couldn't think so Xavier continued, "I have given you a gift. Something that your husband may or may not enjoy." He raised one eyebrow challenging me to figure out what he meant. I had no idea.

"Let's get dressed, go back inside and enjoy the party," Xavier said smiling. He obviously knew something I didn't know. The hair stood up on the back of my neck. I still couldn't move as they dressed. Rita picked up her white lace panties that I had given her and were my favorite. Xavier held his hand out.

"I'll take those if you don't mind my love, as a memento." Xavier took them and tucked them in his breast pocket like a handkerchief. Xavier took Rita's hand and Rita took my hand. I was helpless to do anything but walk with them into the house dragging the bat behind me. The music was louder now and people had definitely loosened up after downing a few drinks. They sat me on a sofa in the large main floor common area where we had started the night while Xavier brought Rita to the restroom presumably to clean her up. When they returned, Xavier addressed me.

"You sit here and keep an eye on Rita while I go get us some fresh drinks," Xavier said to me with a smirk.

"I can't move, how am I supposed to keep an eye on her?"

Xavier chuckled, "Just watch her."

I was still extremely angry and frustrated but I needed to keep my cool. One thing my father taught me was to stay calm. Xavier headed toward the bar and Rita was starting to wander off with no regard for her husband. She stopped at a group of men who seemed to be interested in her. She went back to flirting but this time it was serious. She dropped her duster and when she bent over to get it, the whole group of men got a great view of her naked pussy and ass.

If her actions weren't enough to send me into a rage, she was now hugging Deadpool who had an obvious erection. Rita started to walk toward the restroom with a sway in her hips. Deadpool wasted no time following her and then entering while she was still in there.

Xavier returned with two drinks. A bloody mary and a gin and tonic which he handed to me.

"Are you watching her?"

"You asshole!! What did you do to her? She's in the bathroom with a guy."

"My gift? You don't like it? I gave her the gift of slut. She has a huge libido and no conscience to hold her back. It is a gift for her and a curse for you. Now, I'm going to let you move freely again so you can keep tabs on your cheating wife. Don't try anything stupid or I'll just have to kill you both."

The second I was able to move I ran to the bathroom. It wasn't locked to my surprise. My heart sank at the scene. Rita was getting railed from behind. I was beside myself. I didn't know what to do.

"Rita!! Stop!!" But I'd been down this road already. Somehow I couldn't touch them. The couple never stopped and came to orgasm together. When they reluctantly disengaged, a grey mix of sperm ran down Rita's thigh.

Rita slipped by me through the door and to the stairs. Rather than follow her in a futile attempt to stop her, I decided to confront my tormenter. He was sitting sipping his bloody mary looking quite proud of himself. His fangs were out as he was concerned I would retaliate. I would, I had to, but now wasn't the time.

"What do you want? How can I get my wife back?" I asked through gritted teeth.

"Short of killing me, nothing. I merely want to see you suffer. This is probably the best way to torture you. Watching the love of your life betray you over and over until you either leave her or one of you dies. Unfortunately for you, alcohol has substantially reduced the inhibitions of these party goers."

I downed my drink in one gulp to sure up my nerves. "I need another drink and I'm going upstairs to find Rita." Xavier chuckled at my expense.

Like Balki's cousin Larry, I had a plan. I went to the second floor but had no luck finding Rita. I knew what might be in store for me on the third floor. I stopped at the bar on the third floor for an unnecessary drink but my good friend Tyler was tending bar. He, like me, had a costume of a Red Sox player, Pedro Martinez.

"Can I have a Stoly Kamikaze. Rita is in one of the bedrooms up here fucking any guy that wants to. You should go check it out for me. I don't have the balls. I haven't looked yet. I'll cover the bar for you."

"Dude, you want me to go check up on your cheating wife?"

"Please, I can't stomach it. She disgusts me. She's being a complete whore!"

He agreed to go look for Rita and report back. When Tyler hadn't returned in 20 minutes I left to find him and Rita. It was immediately obvious which room she was in. Eight guys were outside the door jockeying for position and cheering on their buddies.

I pushed through so I could see. Of course Tyler was on my wife pounding her in missionary. I wanted to go rip him off my wife and destroy his face but somehow my body was forbidden to do so. Tyler finished inside her in pretty short order. Rita sat up after he bailed.

"Who's next?" She shouted with her knees pulled back to her ears.

"Isn't that your wife?" a guy I barely knew said. As I looked around I could see a few friends of mine watching and I assumed ready to bang my wife.

Captain America had to shed his tights to mount Rita. Meanwhile I read Tyler the riot act and sent him back to his post at the bar.

Word had gotten out about Rita. Guys were streaming to the third floor. Guys I knew were married, more of my friends who didn't seem to care if they fucked their friend's wife. They were all packed around the bed where the sperm flowed onto the sheets. Many of these men had been ogling Rita all night. She's been teasing them and flirting but when her top became untied and very loose, they took even more notice. Then they saw her pantyless ass and pussy, that was the beginning of all this debauchery on the third floor.

I went back to see Tyler after my mood hit an all time low. Most of my friends, at least before tonight, turned out to be shallow assholes and higher on my shit list than Rita. At least she had an excuse.

"Another Kamikaze please."

Tyler looked at me sheepishly, "You don't have to say please to a friend, man."

"PLEASE, pour me a Kamikaze!" He looked hurt. I wondered how HE felt hurt.

I left after downing my drink without another word to Tyler. I went pain shopping. I had to see what (or who) Rita was doing. I wish I hadn't.

"OH RICK, You have such a big cock. FUCK ME HARD!!! YES, YES, YES." Rick, the host of this party, and my supposed best friend was thrusting his large cock into my wife from behind.

"Damn Rita, I've always wanted to fuck this hot pussy. This is a dream come true." Rita made some primal noises and arched her slim sexy back.

"FUCK, You're gonna make me CUUUUMM!!!!" She was cumming hard for his big cock. Rick looked over his shoulder for what I assumed was a victory lap, for which he got cheers from all the guys but me. When he saw me standing there he seemed to become more reserved but the damage was done. Not only was he not my best friend anymore but this depravity put him at the top of my enemies list, and the list was growing.

The stream of men and oozing sperm lasted way longer than I anticipated. I was numb and tired.

As I expected, Xavier found me. I assumed he would want to rub my face in it.

"So how many so far?" he asked smiling widely.

I rubbed my eyes. "I don't know how many but most of my friends have had her. Will she even go home with me?"

"Yes, once I leave she will be your wife again. However she will be insatiably driven to dicks. You could have some extra sex if you want to. She'll probably be fucking five times a day on average. Think about the logistics of that. You can't do it that much and she wants lots of different guy's dicks. She'll be fucking at work, neighbors at home, randoms on the train, anyone and anywhere. She won't try to hide it either."

"It's going to be a long year," he said with a faux sad face.

"A year? Then what?" I asked.

"Next year you choose. You or Rita. One of you goes with me. You become my food until you die a feeble skinny man or by then I'm betting you'll be happy to get rid of the slut. So she'll become my Dhampir, basically my vampire wife."

"Go ahead, just take that cheating whore with you now. I don't fucking care about her anymore," I said hoping he'd take the bait.

"Nice try. Reverse psychology doesn't work on me and your poker face is weak. Besides, I already know well that you love your wife deeply. I WILL take her in a year after you go though the hell I laid out for you. I don't doubt you would rather die."

"Fuck you, Facebook isn't real life ya know. Everyone tries to look happy."

"Oh I have much more reliable methods than stalking on Facebook."

"I need another drink," I said exasperated.

"Me too, let's go see your best buddy Tyler," he said smirking knowingly.

Rita was still going strong on the train ride when we left to have another drink with Tyler.

"That's quite cliché drinking Bloody Marys, don't you think."

"You would think so but I drink what I like and when I become hungry I drink WHO I want. Nobody can stop me."

"What if I kill you?" I asked. Xavier laughed.

"Well, let's see what the possibilities are. You could drive a stake through my heart but first you'd have to find one in this modern architectural marvel. Then you'd have to get close enough to ram it through my ribs and my heart without missing. That's just not likely."

I pondered what he said. "Yes, I agree, overpowering you is not likely. You're like Lou Ferrigno strong. I'd have to sneak up on you but even then..."

Tyler was busy mixing our drinks and garnishing the Bloody Mary. He interrupted, "You could behead him, that's one way. Too bad he's not really a vampire, I'd love to see a beheading."

"Ah yes," Xavier said. "The trusty beheading. That sounds plausible until you actually try it. It's actually very difficult to cut a head off. Even with a katana you need to hit just right to get through the spine. I don't suggest that one, besides I'd still see you coming. Holy water is a decent option. Unfortunately you can't just throw it on me. It will burn but not kill me. Then I'll just be really pissed off. So you have to submerse me in the holy water or have me drink it. Unfortunately, holy water doesn't last. It goes bad, grows algae and thus becomes unblessed. So you'd have to have known ahead of time I'd be here tonight, which you didn't. So what else you got?"

I cleared my throat, "We could burn you."

"Yes, yes, we? Tyler thinks I'm just a eccentric party guest. He isn't interested in ACTUALLY helping you kill a vampire. He'd run like a coward."

"What? Me? No man, I'm here for you Roy." He winked at me like we were friends again. Fuck him and Xavier was right, he's a fucking coward. At least he finally finished our drinks and set them in front of us.

"So to accomplish that feat first you have to overpower me and throw me in the giant fireplace downstairs. But we already established that you can't overpower me even with two of you. That covers just about everything," he said cackling in Tylers face.

"Then I guess I'll have to cowboy up." It was my chance, I wound up and swung for the fence. CRACK!!! Across his head so hard that my bat splintered in half. It felt like his head should have flown 501 feet. But no, he was barely rattled.

"Hahaha, is that all you got?" Xavier said smiling as he flicked a splinter off his chin.

"NOPE!!!" I lunged forward with the remaining shard of the ash bat burying it right through his upper chest and out his back. Xavier inhaled with a shriek and fell to the floor with fear in his eyes. As I waited for the fireworks to start, his eyes started looking down tentatively at the ash stake. Then a chuckle. Then he grabbed the would be murder weapon and slowly ripped it out of his chest.

"Alright "Ted", I guess that wasn't such a splendid splinter. You missed my heart!!! HAHAHAHA!!!" Xavier held a death grip on the bat. "I'm guessing that was your last gasp attempt. No more ideas?"

"Yes, that was just about it," I said while Xavier leaned against the bar in front of Tyler. He took a long drink from his Bloody Mary.

"Why what else you got?" Xavier said as he lurched a bit. "Ugh, what is in this Tyler?" He lunged and scratched Tyler deeply across his face as he growled and hissed like a leopard. He slumped over holding his stomach. "AHHHHHH NOOOO!!! What is this?"

"My father was aware of the possibility of retribution so he gave me some help before he died. He warned me to carry ash stakes wherever I went. He also gave me this," I said holding up a vile with a dark red hue. "Bigfoot blood!! Yeah, it's not very well known as a vampire killer and it's not easy to find but it works like a charm if the vampire is dumb enough to drink it."

Xavier was in his death throes writhing and gasping loudly. "But Bigfoot isn't REAL!!!"

"Says the VAMPIRE!!!" I muttered chuckling. "My father hooked me up with it in case I needed it. I guess the curse is broken and it didn't take 86 years!!"

Xavier clutched at himself, convulsed in grotesque postures, and suddenly exploded completely into tiny chunks of rotten flesh and black blood that covered everything in a ten foot radius. Several people had witnessed the unbelievable sight and were covered in the disgusting mess. The disintegration of an evil being left a putrid stench throughout the house.

"Did you just murder that guy?" Tyler asked holding a wet bar rag against his bleeding cheek.

"Well first of all he was a vampire, but if someone wants to try and pin a murder on me, they won't find any dna or any record of a person that I could have murdered."

"But how did you get that... that Bigfoot blood presumably, into his drink?"

"Easy, I covered the bar while my horny ex-friend went to "check on" my wife. He drank Bloody Marys so I gave your Bloody Mary mix a kick."

"Wait, ex-friend?"

There was a scream from down the hall. "RITA!!!" I ran down to the room. She was a mess but also very disoriented.

"Why am I naked? Why are all these men surrounding me? Why am I covered in sperm? and full of sperm? Oh my God, Roy!!! Did I cheat on you? It had to be date rape, I would NEVER!!" She started bawling and sniffling. I got to her as fast as I could.

"Everyone GET THE FUCK OUT!!!!" I hugged her tight as all the guys shuffled out and closed the door.

"What have I done?" Rita sobbed into my shoulder.

"It's alright Babe, you have no blame in any of this. There's something from my past I never told you and it came back to haunt me. I'm sorry this all happened but we don't have any friends anymore. Actually I take that back, we lost about half, I'll explain everything but we should get home. You need to get cleaned up and go get a morning after pill and an sti panel done."

As we exited the house through the front door, my ex-best friend got in my face.

"What the hell happened in there? You need to go clean up that mess!! And why does it smell like rotten flesh in my house?"

"Fuck off Rick, clean it up yourself. And the smell has a half-life of about fifty years," I replied with righteous indignation.

------

Ten years later

The long cold fingers of his unbelievably strong right hand held me a foot off the floor trapped against a wall. He stared into my eyes coldly assessing my face with his black eyes. I had blundered my approach into Luther's lair. I took a wrong turn and fell into his trap. He must have known I was coming somehow. My ash stake lay uselessly in the corner of the dark room at least five feet away. It could have been right at my feet though, I couldn't move an inch.

"Hmmm, Richard Rollins' offspring if I'm not mistaken. It will give me great pleasure to snuff out one of his horrible blood line. That man murdered many in my coven. My biggest sorrow is that I couldn't kill him myself. Fuck nature." Luther licked his lips and fangs with his black split serpentine tongue. I noticed a shadow creeping into the room.

"Richard Rollins was a great man and a wicked good father," I hissed through my half closed trachea. "He taught me everything I know, but he wanted me to stay away from the calling and live a simple life. I was living a normal life until Xavier came after me and my wife. Now we have decided to take up where my father left off."

"You AND your wife?" he gasped with a flash of fear in his eyes. The stake split his ribs and nearly made it as far as my own chest. Rita's adrenaline had caused her to thrust a bit harder than necessary but the position was perfect.

Luther immediately released my neck so he could grasp the stake that had pierced his heart. It was too late for him to change the outcome. All that remained was the loud screeching and horrible lurching. Luther fell to the floor and withered away into flakes around the stake.

"I was hoping you'd save my stupid ass!!" I exclaimed before pulling her into my arms to kiss her.

Rita had slowly remembered everything that happened that night. She was so angry about it that she convinced me to go on the offensive as a husband and wife slayer team. In ten years we put down 18 nasty vampires and had built up enough information to find 20 more. My weekends and vacations were now trips to many dark and mysterious locations around the world hunting with the woman I love.

The End