(It's) Always There - Ch. 12

Dumb or brave... Or how about dumb and brave? They had little bodies probably less than a ten-thousandth her size, only a tiny speck of it to work as the brain guiding them through their whole life, but the point of nature was to cram as much usefulness as possible into what space was there. Those glowbugs' dichromatic perception of her colors didn't need to send alarms like orange usually did for people because, as noted, the big scary tiger was big and scary enough for them to notice without being told, "By the way, that moving animal-thing over there which could easily kill you is a bright color! And bright colors are bad." So when they were all acting brave already by using their glowy blinkers in the night and some of them approached a big monster, Navy wanted only to think of them as being courageous, courteous, and... only a little stupid. Navy wanted to imagine them thinking over and over while they fluttered nearby, "Nice? Mate? Friend? Safe?"

It was likely they thought that. Navy wished they didn't have to wonder anymore.

... Case stood leaning at the recliner's back, facing the front window and away from her. The home was so small he and Hane would have to try to meaningfully distance themselves from anyone. Navy sat equidistant from them both.

Because of his post Case was at least consistently aware of the fireflies, doubt clouding whether he wanted to watch them... and so Navy tried to interest, "You... Did you know they shine at night because it reminds birds how bad they taste?"

The words spoken were heard. He didn't respond.

"They're not poisonous, they're just unpleasant. And, glowing at night shows the other fireflies who'd be a good mate. The boy ones fly and the girl ones do it lower to the ground - that's how you can tell the difference." In trying to relay some point about them she'd mostly just stated bug facts, floundering not helped by talking to Case while actively, quietly watched by Hane.

The words spoken were heard. A look over the shoulder was all she got; then, devoid of feeling or fervor of any kind, he went to one of the two places he could be alone, and closed himself in. It should've been clear to him - really it was, since he's smart - that Navy was trying to talk to him. Oddity of trying to do it with bugs aside, that's what she was going for. It hurt her feelings he wasn't concerned enough about her to invite more talking; and it was her trying to help him but getting shut out that ached and confused the most.

What concept of a conversation she had in her head and Case in his wasn't the kind to be had out in front of others. It was personal.

... In the best interest of them, Navy attended herself to where he went.

He was by the window again, revealed a peek, this time by the bed's post. She knew her presence was already observed, so entered without asking, door closed gently behind her. Seeing him wasn't outwardly all that different from usual except for how Navy felt about him, knowing at the peak of her thoughts and the center of her chest that she ought to be careful with what was said. They were good friends, and she didn't want that to stop.

Attempting to talk stably, she prodded, "Do you want to talk?" a dry lump in her throat heavy as iron refusing to move all throughout and after.

Case said easily, "About what?"

"It doesn't have to be anything specific. Just... something - whatever you want to." Her offer continued after an unrequited beat, "What me and you are thinking isn't that different, I'd guess. That's just an assumption... but I can help if you want me to."

That wasn't enough to get a response, verbal or any other kind. She thought it was pretty straightforward what she was saying; his silence said otherwise. Navy, going by reason that a suggestion was there but not its direction, considered it right as the asker to guide things first then let him take it from there - if he wanted.

Hurting to put the words out, Navy toughed through it. "When mum was upset - I started doing this when I was seven, I think, and didn't ever stop - and I mean really upset which she got sometimes, I'd read out loud. She'd talk a lot quieter and not as much, it wasn't usually consistent when or why or if I did something, and she'd never let me see more than that or talk about any of it, especially when I was little. But I read out loud to make her feel better, because that's all she'd let me do..."

...

Deafening came his silence.

"... Or we can not say anything and just stay here together. That's fine too."

Case refused to look at her, or even acknowledge she was there. In some manners she understood him wanting to say naught and do just the same, permitting it to all fade while what thought he had and she couldn't know were the only things he paid attention to. Maybe he wasn't thinking of anything. Maybe he wanted to watch the fireflies outside, or contemplated her words and what she'd intended behind them even if it didn't seem that way. Unknowable numbers of things could be in his head... and she wanted them to do that together

It wouldn't work if she stood waiting. He wouldn't feel better if she didn't speak her mind.

Navy had to do it. She had to. She had to make it happen.

"... Case? Can you look at me?"

The wolf did. His look was the same.

"You weren't... I..." Do it. "I know you picked the library for us to stay at... and I know why, and I know what you're thinking because of what happened, but it's not your fault. Lots of things made that happen which weren't you... and you weren't the only one there. We can-... I want to talk about it with you or do whatever else you want to... and it's a lot easier for me to help if you say how."

Finally, it looked like he was listening.

Case told her in monotone, "I should've locked the door."

Before he could turn away, Navy pointed out, "But you didn't."

... After even contemplation, he acknowledged, "True." An addendum was put forth like he was asking a natural follow-up, "So what do you want?"

Navy was confused.

"The arrangement isn't complicated. I give you whatever you want; that's how it works, so say it and I'll do it." One look up and down her face studied it. "... What? What are you nervous for? You know what you want and going through that door proved you were committed to getting it, so why won't you just ask? I'm here to make you feel better when things hurt - and I will - but I can't read your mind, Navy. And don't worry about guilt, if that's the issue. You're supposed to come to me when someone you know hasn't quite gone cold yet - the thought bugs you, which makes sense, so do what you came to."

The subtle language of his body and voice hadn't altered. "Want me to fuck you? Want me to coddle you? Want me to stroke your head? Want me to say everything's okay, and we'll be together forever...?"

Recognition and reason met vision and feeling. A clamp bound to the over-pumping, relentlessly beating organ most important to her wound tighter, smashing it from all angles into a writhing knot of pressure with no escape, everything it kept alive failing in unison as the girl watched him, experiencing the heat leave her skin and everything pin and pulse as his words stayed far away without intent to bring her closer from the edge. Trembling fear in her legs crept up everywhere. On Case's look was the first emotion he'd shown, the faintest twitch in his muscles locking all her own, every inch cowering.

Her lip quivered.

Case saw, and said, "... You want me to say it wasn't your fault. We can deal with that, but, remind me, when's the last time you killed?"

... There was no point. The girl cried, tears flowing without restraint from the watery, all-obscuring buildup, fur soaking while she thought of no recourse. Bitter, seething hate stared back.

Surely attempting to trap it from ever surfacing, the girl leaked a pathetic whimper, the next moment swiveling with whatever control remained and feebly slinging the door open, slamming it behind her. Audibly, she did the same out the home's front door, another whimper more hurt than the last right as she slumped onto the rotted tire outside, sniffles and persistent choking unending, though he did wait a while.

"... Anyway," Case huffed to himself.

Gone from the room, the chair opposite Hane was pulled to an angle and Case took a seat. "I'll bring her in later," the wolf pre-empted.

His commander's view of... something - whatever he'd been eyeing at for so long - relaxed in a smooth motion to probably reprimand Case for disobeying orders. It was worth it, regard-

... Different or not, Case felt Hane's gaze on him more than usual, and for too long. If he needed to have a word with Case, he'd have it; if he was furious, he'd say why. Odd concern piqued as the Shepherd's focus lingered, Hane saying, "Do. Don't," as the most it seemed he'd get. His leader broke eye-contact, got up, and laid on the couch.

Their noisemakers weren't set yet and they had an orange girl outside their front door... So, while those were issues, Case didn't want to risk getting the things necessary to do the first properly or have much choice in solving the second, meaning he'd set his stuff down for the night and... He'd keep watch. He could see most of the place from where he was already, so that worked... and while he was sitting around, since Hane was still awake Case would check if anything needed sewing.

Sight should be kept everywhere but down if that was the goal, Case forming a stack of clothes by his feet but never looking - the feel and knowledge he had of each piece was enough to not distract from his more important task. Back door, two inside, one at the front, two windows, and no other way in, the sensation of cloth - where it frayed, its seems, its pockets - made into a temporary map of his hands' location, the first article passively gone over in about a minute. No tears were found, no sounds or movement, either.

...

... Fine too and done faster than the last. And the home kept quiet. That was the rhythm to keep.

...

... Tear. Set it aside... Fine. First pile... Fine... Fine... Fine... Fine... Fine... Fine... Fine...

Tear. Second pile... Fine... Fine... Fine... Next type... Fine...

... No movement. Tear... Fine... Fine... Fine...

...

... Done. Feel the split. Watch, but not there. Start at the edge, and sew it closed. He could do it given time; he'd done it plenty before.

... Quarter fixed... Half... Most... Done... Next...

On the first pin out, Case jabbed his finger. Annoyed he'd do that, the blood was soaked, wound covered, and things got on like usual.

... Quarter sewn... Case was still bothered... Half... Most... Done... Next... Quarter... Half... Most...

...

Done. The bandage was taken off. Case... couldn't remember how long that took - not that it mattered. Hane was asleep, so he should stay just on watch, anyway.

... To his ire, as it would surely wake his superior, he had to get Navy. Some means had to found to bring her in, Case realized... so, odds were, that meant putting on his best apology face - by "best" that meant "only enough to convince her inside". Exactly like Hane was doing with her already, the wolf shouldn't baby her anymore by offering a soft place to cry and feel better; that approach had its place and purpose, and it was time she left it behind to be more useful - really, more independent was the best they could hope for. Not her fault she was coddled, but the illusion had to snap sometime.

Case certainly hadn't eased the blow... Yet, he'd done just that for well over a month, and people were capable of dealing with how they lived, the difference being that it usually involves more sobbing for a little while.

See. His apology won't even have to lie.

The door creaked open, Case putting himself onto one of the two cement stairs from where he'd talk her in, expression relaxed a little to her benefit.

Out front... no one was there.