8 - Trauma Dumping on a First Date

It was Bel's first time seeing Matteo since she'd left home. She felt awkward, leading up to it. He'd never even messaged to see if she was okay, and then he asked her to catch up for a coffee. That's why she asked him to come out in her lunch break. There'd be a clear out when she needed to get back to work.

But as soon as she saw him, it didn't feel awkward. It was her annoying, loveable little brother. Matteo arrived at the cafeteria, looking fresh and well-rested. Amongst a sea of tired medical staff and sick patients, he stood out like a sore thumb. His sunglasses were pushed up into his freshly cut hair.

Matteo pulled her into a hug.  "You look like hell, sis," he said.

Bel scowled at him as she pulled away. "A patient broke their foot by dropping a gym weight on it. I thought of you straight away." 

Matteo winced.

The conversation was light for a few minutes, before Bel asked the question that had really been on her mind.

"How's Mom doing?"

"She's been officially diagnosed with chronic fatigue", he said.

Bel sighed. "That's not a surprise."

"Julian's wife is pregnant again," Matteo told her.

"Oh," Bel said. Matteo laughed at her lack of enthusiasm. "I can't even pretend. Some people shouldn't reproduce."

Matteo asked, "How's Lauren?"

Bel said, "She's fine. Freaked out by what she saw."

"Did she see it?" Matteo asked.  

"No," Bel said. "Did you?"

"No." He looked away. But he'd pulled Dad off her. He'd been in that room. She just didn't know how long Matteo had stood there first.

He reached into his pocket and pulled out an envelope. He gave it to her. It was full of cash.

She gave it back. "I don't need your charity, Matteo."

"But it's from Mom."

"I don't need it. Tell her I don't need it. And don't tell Dad where I work."

"Of course not. He doesn't know I'm here."

It was nice to see Matteo, even if he still hadn't acknowledged what had happened. But the next morning, Bel felt drained. She'd been awake most of the night and her body wanted to remain in bed. She nearly cancelled her date with Sam.  

But she didn't. A "good luck" text from Lauren helped, too.  

Bel spotted Sam before Sam spotted her. And she heard her, too, laughing at something the waiter said to her. That laugh made her feel warm, like she'd drunk a hot coffee on a cool day. As Bel walked over to her, Sam turned, saw her and smiled. She opened her arms and hugged her.

"Bel," Sam said into her hair, "it's been too long." 

Bel lingered in Sam's arms, and Sam let her. She pressed closer, her face against Sam's neck, and Sam's arms tightened around her. Sam was a good hugger. Bel remembered lying in her arms that evening in the hostel bunk. Bel hadn't been with anyone since, and she hadn't had a hug this warm since. She didn't feel so tired anymore.

"How was the disc golf tournament?" Bel asked, as she pulled back.  

"Great. Seth made top thirty. Out of two hundred."

"Go Seth."

"It's gone to his head," Sam grinned. "He's talking state team now."

They sat at a table near the window. Bel ordered a coffee with three shots. Sam ordered one that was just black. Bel couldn't care less about disc golf, but she needed things to be light. She needed conversation that had nothing to do with medicine. It circled back to medicine anyway.

"So how's residency?" Sam asked. "What does a day actually look like?"

Bel sipped her table water, thinking about all the different things that happened in one day at the hospital. "It turns out I get to examine a lot of testicles."

Sam set down her menu. "What?"

"At least once a day, someone needs their balls looked at. And more often than not, they say take me to dinner first like they're the first person to think of it."

"Every lesbian's dream," Sam said. "You don't laugh though. Right?"

Bel kept her face straight. "Wrong."

"Really?"

"They're about to be completely vulnerable." Bel's voice softened. "If laughing makes them comfortable then I'll laugh."

Sam leaned back. "What do their balls have to do with their hearts?"

Bel shrugged. "You know what they say. The way to a man's heart is through his balls."

"But why are you looking at so many testicles when you're training to be a cardio, carcio," Sam pushed a hand through her curls. "Sorry, I can't remember what it's called. "

Bel bit back a smile. "Cardiothoracic surgeon. And it's got nothing to do with it."

"But aren't you -"

"I'm in emergency," Bel said. "I ended up in emergency."

"What happened? Why did you change?"

"Please don't tell me you're only into heart surgeons."

Sam smiled. She let the joke land for a moment. "Please answer the question."

Bel picked a sugar packet from the dish and tapped it against the table. "My Dad pulled the residency. While I was in Spain. He called the hospital and told them I'd be unavailable."

Sam stared at her. "How is he allowed to do that?"

"His connection. He gave it to me. He took it away." Bel stopped tapping. "He does this."

"But you were all set up."

The waiter reappeared and delivered their coffees.  

"I had everything but the transcript. Somehow he got that too." Bel picked up her mug. "He wanted to send a message. That I no longer had his support. What else can he get his hands on. It was a power move."

Sam stared into her coffee a moment, and then wrapped her hands around it.  

"It's misogyny," she said.  

"Maybe," Bel replied.

"Not maybe," Sam said. "Definitely."

Bel didn't know what to say to that. She hadn't thought about it in a long time. It had become one of those things that could make her spiral if she gave the memory too much oxygen. When she was sixteen, her father told her she would have no place in the family business because she was a girl. She'd cried, alone, face down into her pillow. Then wiped away her tears and made plans to study medicine. She would outdo them all.

"Sorry," Sam said. Bel's silence had stretched. "I shouldn't have-" 

"No, it's fine," Bel said. "You're right. It is misogyny."

For the first time in a long time, she told the truth out loud.

"And it gets worse than that." She said it fast, like ripping tape off a box. "Dad got aggressive. That was the nail in the coffin." Her hand drifted to the back of her head, to where the wound had been.

"Did you get hurt?"

"No. I'm fine." Bel quickly pulled her hand away.  

Sam didn't say anything. She just sat there, took a sip of her coffee, and waited.  

The silence stretched. A few times, Bel felt the urge to say something or change the subject. But that action felt like it belonged to a previous version of herself. She resisted until it didn't feel uncomfortable to look at Sam anymore.  

"My head hit the door frame," Bel said finally. "It bled. I didn't get it looked at, which, I know, that should have been a priority." Her jaw tightened. "I think about it each time I check a patient's head."

"Good God. Are you okay?" Sam asked, leaning forward now, arms on the table.  

Bel told her the other details. As she spoke, she could tell this was foreign to Sam. The way she reached out her hand a few times, like she was about to grab Bel's. She finished with, "Sorry to trauma dump on you."

"It's okay," Sam said. "That's not something you should keep to yourself."

Bel breathed out. Her shoulders had been tensed, and she let them drop. "Okay. I need to talk about something lighter now, or I'll cry right here."

Sam nodded and slid Bel's coffee closer to her. "Of course. Whatever you want." 

"Yeah, well." Bel sipped her coffee. She struggled to think of something safe to talk about. Not Lou. Not that patient who died. "I went to the zoo a couple of weeks ago."

"That's random."

"Everything's random, lately."

There was another silence but Bel didn't push herself to fill it.

"The zoo is a place where you shouldn't play cards," Sam said.

"Huh?" 

"There's too many cheetahs."

Bel laughed. "That's so lame." 

"I'm trying to keep it light," Sam laughed. "Was that okay?" 

"Keep them coming."

They paid and walked out into the afternoon.   This side of town wasn't as busy as where Bel used to live. She found she was keeping pace with Sam.

"What's the housing like?" Sam asked.

"Much more modest than I'm used to. I'm still setting it up."

"Let me help you set it up properly." Sam glanced toward the storefronts. "I've put together my fair share of flat packs."

Bel laughed. "I should probably buy the furniture first."

"So buy it. I'll help you pick it up."

"You live two hours away."

"One hour, actually," Sam shrugged. "That's what trucks are for."

Trucks. That had Bel's attention. She'd never dated a woman with a truck.

"Are you still around tomorrow?"

"Leaving in the afternoon. But I'm not working."

"Furniture tomorrow then."

Sam nodded.

They'd wandered off the main street into a small park between the road and a rise of dry hillside. The traffic dropped away a block at a time. A row of eucalyptus leaned over the path, and the light came down through their leaves in pieces that moved when the breeze did, sliding across Sam's shoulder and off again. Bel was watching one of them cross the back of Sam's hand when she realized Sam had stopped walking.  

Bel turned to see why. Sam was quiet, her eyes on Bel's.  

"I'd like to kiss you again," Sam said. She stepped in close. Bel could feel some warmth from the sunlight on one cheek, and Sam's breath on the other.  

The answer was yes. Bel, who was never short of words, couldn't get that one out. Sam stayed close, waiting, her eyes so brown this close, like soil after rain. Her hand came up, her fingers brushing Bel's hair.

"Can we please," Bel said, ducking her head. Sam lifted Bel's face in her hands and kissed her. Bel had thought she knew how this would feel.

The first kiss was in a plaza, a few sangrias deep, on a dare, with nothing to lose once the holiday ended. The second was in a hostel bunk, still running on the adrenaline of the bike ride and Chad's broken leg, the group due back any minute. Sam had taken her time anyway, as if nobody would walk in on them, and if they did it was their problem.  

This kiss had no dare and no deadline. It was a walk in the park, a normal date, and it was only theirs.

Bel's hands went to Sam's waist. Beneath her palms, Sam's shirt felt warmed from the sun, and Bel slid her arms around her back.  

The city noise faded until there was only the quiet park and the two of them.