A Rainbow in the Dark

I pulled up to the light and waited. I'd been here before. Too many times to count really. My hands gripped the steering wheel and I looked ahead, my mind wandering. The same thought entered my head that I had every time I stopped at this light. Turn left and the road would take me to Save-N-Shop. That was the safe choice. Familiar in a way that felt almost automatic. My weekly routine of shopping for groceries, then going home again where chores waited, dinner needing making, and life had gone stale; or, turn right. The not so safe choice. The unfamiliar. I knew where the road would go if I turned right, but I had no idea where it would take me.

The light turned green. I sighed, then turned left. I always turned left. Part of me wanted to turn right, to see what would happen, to take that chance. I never went right though. I was too scared, too afraid of what I'd lose, ignoring the possibility of what I could gain. The risk was too big and I was used to familiar and safe. Used to the stale, predictable life I'd built for myself here. But, for one second, while the light was still red and I had that small opportunity to make a different choice, I was free.

***

Save-n-Shop was busy as usual and with only one register open, the line had backed up into the produce aisle. I wasn't getting a lot. Just enough to last the rest of the week. This was my second trip this week which was unusual for me. I normally did the weeks shopping on Sunday night and it was now Friday. I'd been in a rush on Sunday though and hadn't gotten everything on my list.

Friday was spaghetti night so I needed sauce, some Italian seasoning, and garlic bread. The rest of the ingredients had already been purchased on my first trip. For Saturday I'd decided on something simple, cheesy Tuna Helper. It was easy and less time consuming which is what I wanted. Saturdays were always my busiest days and I didn't want to waste too much time and energy on cooking.

Jared, the cashier looked up and smiled when I finally made it to the register. "Hey... uh... Jake, right?"

I smiled back. "Jess." I corrected.

"That's right." He snapped his fingers for emphasis. "Jess. Didn't I already see you once this week?" He asked me.

I nodded. "Forgot some stuff." I told him.

"I'm glad you did." He said with a slight wink.

I chuckled, but pretended to search through my wallet for my credit card. Jared was cute enough and, if I'm being honest, I did kind of like the flirting, but he couldn't be more than eighteen, and that was way too young for me.

I loaded the bags into my cart then quickly paid. "See you next week?" He asked hopefully as I began walking away from the register.

"Count on it." I waved without looking back.

Jared was a good kid but he was just that, a kid, and I was thirty-two years old. Besides, I wasn't exactly on the market.

I put the groceries in the back of my rust bucket of a car then climbed into the drivers seat. The door shut with a clank and I double checked to make sure it actually latched, then started the engine. It roared to life with no problem, small miracle there, and slipped smoothly into gear. I pulled out of the parking space and drove to the exit of the parking lot, hitting my breaks before pulling out onto the road. My breaks protested with an ear-splitting squeal and my heart sank. Just. Fucking. Great.

I needed car trouble like I needed a hole in my head. Unfortunately, this was my only mode of transportation and I couldn't afford to not have a working vehicle.

I checked my watch. It was a quarter to twelve. I had time enough for a pit stop. I pulled out onto second street and headed toward the light. Instead of turning right onto main though, I took a left, drove about eight feet and turned off onto maple. Immediately the road changed from pavement to gravel and eventually a broken dirt road with weeds sprouting up in random spots. The road narrowed the further I drove until it could barely fit one car let alone two. If another car came toward me, I'd have to veer off into the grass.

Fortunately for me, the place I was going didn't get a lot of traffic. Kline Brothers Repair Shop was a two rack car garage at the end of a road that was easy to miss unless you were actually looking for it. They have a small ad in the phone book and a listing online but that was it. They didn't even have their own website. They were also pretty picky about who they took on as clients. Mostly people they know or who are referred by people they know. You might wonder how they stay in business by the shape of the shop but they make their real income by selling weed. The repair shop is just a side gig.

Both garage doors were up when I pulled in but only one car was currently on a rack. Brad Kline was outside, leaning against the office door and smoking a cigarette. He nodded to me when I got out of my car and walked toward him.

"What's up, Jess?" He asked, blowing out a small cloud of smoke.

"Breaks are squealing." I told him. "Can you fit me in?"

He pushed off the side of the building and turned toward the garage. "Hey, Gary. Come here."

A moment later, Gary Kline, the elder of the two brothers huffed his way out and stood beside Brad. Gary was older by about ten years, somewhere in his mid fifties. He was also over weight and smoked like a chimney which was evident in the way he wheezed and coughed as he walked. Brad handed him a cigarette that the man obviously did not need but accepted with a nod and a quiet, "Thanks."

"Jess here needs his breaks looked at. We got an opening?"

Gary exhaled a laugh along with a string of smoke. "Yeah, we got an opening." He said with obvious sarcasm. "Middle of next week."

"That far out?" My shoulders sunk.

"Fraid so." Gary confirmed. "I can pencil ya in. If we get a cancellation maybe I can get ya in sooner but we're booked up till then."

"I can pay." I told them. "You know I'm good for it."

"It ain't that, Kid. Just got no openings right now."

I wasn't a kid but I wasn't going to argue about age. I was, however, going to argue about getting my car fixed. "You sure there's nothing you can do? I need my car and I don't think it's safe to drive like this."

Brad pursed his lips then looked at his brother. "Nate's been looking for some work." He said. "He could use the shop if he was willing to come in on Sunday."

Gary looked like he was thinking it over then he slowly nodded. "I'd hate to leave Jess here without a car." He said, then turned to me with a sympathetic glint in his eye. "I'll talk to Nate, then give you a call."

I didn't know who "Nate" was but I wasn't going to turn down a favor. Besides, Gary seemed to trust him and that was good enough for me. "That sounds great."

"Alright," Gary flicked his cigarette butt on the ground then squashed it with his shoe. "Give me a couple hours and I'll get back with you."

"Thanks a bunch, man. I really appreciate it."

"Hey, no problem, kid. Drive that thing as little as possible till we get it fixed."

I nodded. "Will do, and thanks again."

He nodded then lit another cigarette. I got back in my car and left, cringing as the brakes squealed down the dirt road.

***

Ten minutes later and I was pulling into the drive of my small, ranch style house. I parked, turned off the ignition, then sat in the car another couple of minutes. The house in front of me was old and needed more repairs than I could afford. The yard was overgrown, the gutters sagged with debris, and the once white siding had been stained by green algae. The place was a mess but I didn't have the money nor the energy to fix it up. At least not cosmetically. For the past year I'd been shoveling out what little cash I had to fix an unending string of problems.

First the pipes burst, flooding my kitchen. Next, the furnace went out in the middle of winter. More pipes froze and I had to replace the toilet. Moisture from the gap under the back door in combination with the water overflowing from the gutters had caused the floor in front of the door to rot. All these things, one right after the other, eating up what little cash I had. My savings slowly disappeared and I found myself living pay check to pay check and praying that nothing else went wrong.

More than once I thought it would be better to just abandon the place and go back to renting apartments. Maybe I could get a mobile home. Anything would be better than living in a house that was falling down around me. The issue always came back to money. How could I afford a down payment plus first and last months rent? I had a three hundred and fifty dollar a month mortgage that I could barely make on top of utilities and repairs and most of the apartments in my area where between five and eight hundred a month and those weren't even the nice ones.

A decent apartment would run me at least a thousand a month and I'd need two thousand or more just to get in. Even if I did manage to save the money, I had another problem, Kurt. Kurt, was a problem I didn't know how to fix. No amount of money would make him go away.

I ran a ran through my hair, sighed, and braced myself for the backlash I knew was coming. With my bags of groceries in hand, I stepped into the house through the back door, careful not to step on the weak spot in the floor. As soon as I entered the dining room, I flinched.

"Where the hell have you been?" His normal greeting to me.

"Groceries." I muttered, setting the bags down on the dining room table.

"It doesn't take you two fucking hours to get groceries." He was mad, I could hear it in his voice but I wasn't in any mood to deal with his bullshit.

"I had to stop at the bank and deposit the check from my parents first," I explained. "Then I went to the store and I also stopped at Kline brothers before coming home."

He raised an eyebrow. "Kline brothers? What the hell for?"

I sighed. "The breaks are squealing. I wanted to get them taken care of before they get any worse."

"How much is that gonna cost us?"

I shrugged. "Dunno. I'm waiting to hear back from Gary."

"It's a waste of money if you ask me." He groused.

"Really? You want me to get in a wreck?"

"You ain't gonna get in no wreck." He shook his head like I was some kind of idiot. "Those breaks will hold out. You're just being paranoid."

"Yeah, I'm not going to risk my safety or my sons safety, just because you don't want me to spend the money."

My son, Sean, was twelve years old and from a previous relationship. Kurt thought I babied him to much and my parenting of Sean was a constant source of contention in our relationship. I wasn't about to sacrifice good parenting to appease the asshole that currently took up space in my house.

"Whatever," He sneered. "Just go crawling back to mommy and daddy when you can't make the house payment next month."

"I wouldn't have to if I wasn't the only one working." I meant to mutter under my breath but Kurt had apparently heard what I said because he was out of his chair and on me in a second. I back into the wall as he pressed in so close that our noses were nearly touching.

"What did you just say to me?"

I swallowed but refused to back down. "You heard me," I told him, my voice cracking a bit. "I can barely make ends meet. A second income would help. That's all I'm saying."

"I'm sick and fucking tired of hearing you bitch about me not working." He growled. "You know I can't work. My backs too fucked up."

"Then get on disability or something." I said before I could stop myself. "Anything would help."

He took a step back and glared at me for a moment before turning away and going back to his chair in front of the computer. "It's too much hassle and they'd just deny me anyway."

I shook my head and walked away, ending the argument. There was no point in continuing anyway. It never went anywhere. Kurt hurt his back at work two years ago and went on unemployment. He milked it until it ran out then declared he was in too much pain to get another job. The truth was, he just didn't want to work. Even if his back was still messed up, which it wasn't, he could have gotten a job in an office or a convenience store. Anytime I mentioned it though he had a whole slew of excuses ready to go.

Factories were too hot, he couldn't stand on his feet for long hours, office chairs hurt his back, he didn't know anything about running cash registers. Whatever I suggested, he shot down. Eventually I just stopped trying to help and left him to sit around feeling sorry for himself. He'd become less of an equal partner in our relationship and more of a piece of furniture that I had to maneuver around. It was exhausting.

"I have to work tomorrow, can you keep an eye on Sean for me?" I started to put the groceries away, moving into the normalcy of my daily routine.

"Take him to your mothers."

I rolled my eyes. "Fine."

I wasn't going to fight him on the matter. Honestly, it was probably for the better anyway. Sean would likely have complained. He and Kurt didn't get along all that well and forcing Kurt to "babysit" wasn't going to make either of them happy.

At twelve, Sean didn't really need that much supervision anyway. I could have left him alone if I really had to but he was alone too often and I really didn't like that. It wasn't so bad during the week when he was in school but on the weekends he would normally stay in his room playing video games and I wanted him out more. The problem was, Kurt refused to do anything with him, or me, as a family and I could see how Sean resented that.

The only time I could get Kurt out of the house was when I offered to pay for us all to go out to dinner. Other than that, he had no interest in doing anything. It had been years since he'd taken me out on an actual date. When I wasn't at work, I tried to do fun things with Sean at least. We'd go to a movie, go bowling, or swimming in the summer. Always it was just the two of us though. Kurt had no interest in doing anything with us. I couldn't even get him to play a simple board game.

Our relationship had been going downhill for sometime. The romance, what little there had been, was nonexistent. At this point he felt more like a room mate than my partner. I kept telling myself that I loved him, in some way, that's why I kept him around but even I was starting to doubt my feelings for him now. The reality of the situation was that I felt trapped. Even if I told him it was over and to leave, he wasn't going to go willingly.

He had no job, no money, and no way to support himself. No family or friends would be willing to take him in and there was no where for him to go. The house was in my name. The bills were all in my name and so was the car. Without me, he had nothing and he knew it. Making him leave would end up causing a huge fight and I'd almost certainly have to get the police involved.

I could do it, of course. Kurt would have no leg to stand on. I just... kind of felt responsible for him. I didn't want him to end up on the street. I'd feel horrible if something happened to him and he's made it clear, more than once, that if I ever kicked him out he'd end up dead. He never came right out and said he'd kill himself but he'd insinuated that he would and I didn't want him to do that. No matter how miserable he made me, I did care for him in some way. I just wasn't sure if it was love or guilt that made me stay with him. Maybe a bit of both.

I finished putting the groceries away then straightened up the house a bit. Mainly picking up Kurt's dirty dishes and putting them in the sink then picking up the trash under his computer desk. He moved to the side long enough for me to clean and empty his over flowing trash can but he never once offered to help or even acknowledge me. I didn't care, I was used to it. Used to finding trash on the floor, dishes piled up on the end of couch, an overflowing ash tray. It was the same every day. It was familiar. We had a kind of rhythm we'd fallen into over the years. I didn't complain anymore and he usually left me alone to do my chores.

By the time I'd finished cleaning, washed and dried the dishes, and put a load of clothes in it was a quarter till three in the afternoon. I threw on my light jean jacket and headed toward the back door,

"Where are you going now?" He asked in his usual voice that sounded more like barking orders than asking an innocent question.

"It's almost three." I told him. "I have to pick Sean up from school."

"Isn't he old enough to walk?"

I frowned. "It's like fifteen blocks away, and it's 59 degrees outside."

"Whatever. Just grab me a soda before you go."

I had to bite my tongue as I walked to the refrigerator, grabbed a cold can of soda and walked it back over to him. "Can I go now?"

He waved me off dismissively. I shook my head and left, remembering to grab my keys on the way out.

***

It took me less than ten minutes to drive to the school but I should have left sooner because the line of cars in front of me was backed up all the way to King street. It would be twenty minutes before I made it to the pick up spot. Instead of waiting, I pulled off the street into a parking spot in front of an apartment complex and walked over to where the kids normally waited for their parents to pick them up.

The kids were separated into groups according to grade, with two or three teachers going between them, helping the younger children get to their parents cars. Sean was hanging out near the flag pole with two other boys, laughing at something on a smart phone. When Sean saw me, he looked up and waved. "Hey Dad." He smiled as I walked up.

"Ready to go?" I asked.

"Yeah." He said goodbye to the boys he was with and we started walking back to the car.

I stopped walking and turned around when I heard someone calling out to me. "Mr. McFadden."

A woman I recognized as Sean's teacher was walking quickly toward us. I'd only met the woman once but I couldn't remember her name. She was probably in her late to mid thirties with short, curly blond hair that bounced around her head as she walked. She was shorter than me, about 5'7 and was dressed in all red. With her short, round, frame, she looked like a tomato.

"Hello?" I greeted the teacher.

"Hello, Mr. McFadden." She slowed her pace and stopped, out of breath. "I'm glad I caught you. I noticed that you haven't paid the dues for the October Fest field trip yet. It's ten dollars for admission and lunch and then any extra you want to give Sean for games or souvenirs."

"Oh, right. I almost forgot." I pulled out my wallet and looked inside. "Um... I don't have any cash on me right now. Can I write a check?"

She smiled sympathetically. "Just send it with him on Monday, otherwise he won't be able to attend."

"No problem." I forced a smile back. "I'll remember."

"Thank you."

Before I could say anything else she was already walking away, ordering a smaller child to get back in line. "What's her name again?" I asked Sean when we were out of ear shot.

"Miss, Jensen." He told me.

"She new this year?" I asked.

"No, she's been here about two years."

"Oh, okay." We walked to the car in silence but once Sean was inside with his seat belt fastened he turned to me.

"If you don't have the money, I could always use the birthday money Grandma gave me."

My heart sunk hearing that. "No, buddy. That's your money."

"I know, but I don't mind."

"I thought you wanted to save up for that new play station."

He shrugged. "I can wait. It's not a big deal."

"Naw, I have money. Grandma gave me a check today that I deposited and the food stamps came in."

"Isn't that money for the house payment?" He asked.

"You let me worry about that." I told him. "I have enough for your field trip."

He didn't argue anymore. He knew there wasn't any use. I wasn't going to budge on the issue. I wasn't about to let my son sacrifice the things he wanted just because I was a little short on cash. Besides, my mom would always loan me more if I needed it. I hated asking her but it was better than letting Sean go hungry or us losing our house.

***

I stopped by the tobacco store on the way home to get a carton of cigarettes for me and one for Kurt. Sean complained about my smoking. Not because of the cost but because of the health concerns. My mom had drilled into his head how bad it was to smoke and now he was worried about the long term effects. I told him the short term effects was me not being sent to a nut house.

I had one vice, smoking. I didn't drink or use drugs and I basically had no life outside of work so smoking was my one and only way of blowing off some steam and relaxing. I know the cost was bad and it was an unhealthy and nasty habit but if it kept me from becoming a serial killer, it was worth it in my mind.

Once we entered the house, Sean went straight to his room to start on his home work as was our deal. Home work first, then video games or whatever. I would have liked to see him go out and spend time with friends but he didn't really have any friends that lived in our neighborhood and he never invited any school friends to our house. I think it was a combination of living in a crappy house and having a gay father that dissuaded him from inviting friends over. I'm not sure which friends, if any, knew of his home situation but if I'm being honest, I don't really blame him.

I'd be embarrassed of the house too if I were a kid and well, Kurt wasn't big on kids in the first place. That was probably another reason Sean wasn't too keen on having friends over. Whether he was embarrassed over my being gay, well, he never said anything about it. Sean grew up knowing I wasn't like other dads and around ten I think he figured out why but it was never a topic he openly questioned and I never asked how he felt about it. Maybe I should have but I just wasn't ready to discuss sex with him. At twelve I was more interested in climbing trees and riding my bike and I guess I assumed Sean was the same way. I knew he'd eventually have questions but I'd cross that bridge when we came to it.

Kurt started to question why I took so long picking up Sean until I dropped his carton of smokes into his lap. That shut him up. After that, I turned and went to the laundry to put my clothes in the dryer then I returned to the kitchen to get the meat out of the freezer.

"Gary called." Kurt told me. "He wants you to call him back."

I said nothing, just went to the phone, looked up the last call and hit redial. Gary answered on the third ring.

"Hey, it's Jess." I said into the phone.

"I talked to Nate. He said bring the car by on Sunday at eight am sharp."

"I'll be there." I told him.

That was the end of the conversation. Sweet and simple. Luckily I was off on Sunday. With any luck he'd have the car done the same day. I hated taking the bus to work. Made me too nervous. I'm not great being in close proximity to strangers. My social anxiety always gets the better of me.

I hung up the phone and noticed Kurt watching me. I turned and headed back to the kitchen, ignoring him.

"Well?" He asked in his same grumpy voice.

"Well what?" I asked.

"Don't be a smart ass." He snapped.

I sighed. "I'm taking the car over on Sunday. Some guy named Nate is going to work on it."

"Who the hell is Nate?"

I shrugged.

"New guy?"

"I have no idea." I said. "Never met him."

"He an old guy or a young guy?"

"Never met him." I repeated. "Whys it matter?"

"It doesn't." Kurt turned back to his computer screen. "I was just curious."

"Okay." I grabbed the frozen hamburger and put it in a bowl then filled it with hot water. Kurt seemed to have lost interest in who Nate was. I was a bit curious myself but I didn't give it much thought. I'd find out soon enough anyway. It did seem a bit odd. I've never seen anyone working at the shop but Gary and Brad. They really didn't have employees so this Nate guy was kind of a mystery. Maybe they were just doing us both a favor. The way they talked, the guy needed the money and I needed a working car. I guess it all worked out in the end.