A Rainbow in the Dark Ch. 02

Saturday flew by a little too quickly. I had dropped Sean off at my parents house and he was grateful for that. My mom was getting on in years but she still loved to spend time with her grandson. She'd planned for them to make spooky Halloween themed cookies that Sean could decorate himself. I thanked Mom, gave her a kiss, then left for work.

My day at work was uneventful. I worked as a cashier at Murphy's Hardware. Our busiest season was spring and summer but since it was mid fall, business had been slow. A few regulars had come in and looked around, bought a few small items then left. I was good at my job, even though I knew nothing about hardware. Luckily, any questions I had could be answered online.

Most of the time people came in knowing what they were looking for but sometimes I had a man or woman come in and ask me what product was best for whatever project they were currently working on. Normally I'd just call over my boss and the owner of the store, Jeff Murphy, and he'd point them in the right direction. Other times I had to actually look up the answer to their question or, if push came to shove, I'd call my dad. As a retired contractor and all around handy man, he could answer most questions I threw at him.

I was learning though, and for the most part, I knew where things were. I just didn't always know what they were for. What I really struggled with though were the gardening supplies. People often asked me what kind of soil to plant things in, what's the best plant food to use, how long a certain plant will live and other things like that. I had no clue and always ended up looking up the answers on my phone. I didn't even know the difference between a spade and a shovel, and a hoe was what we called the girl that lived down the street from me growing up.

My entire six hour shift was spent sweeping floors, straightening shelves, and playing mahjong on my phone. Other than my regulars, a couple of people came in that I didn't know. One wanted a kerosene heater and the other wanted directions to the nearest McDonald's. I told him that would be the next town over. The town I lived in, Norwich, was a small strip of a whole lot of nothing. We had one bank, and one court house that was also the sheriffs office, jail, and city hall.

Our schools we located on a campus with the high school and middle school in one building, and the primary school separated by a long drive that curved up past the play ground, split off toward the two buildings then ended at the bus garage. The high school and middle school shared a ball court and a field that was used for football games, assembly's, graduation and fire works on the fourth of July.

There was only one place in town that could be considered fast food, an old drive in burger joint that was a throw back from the fifties. Luckily the wait staff no longer wore roller skates to serve food. We also had a small family owned diner and an ice cream shop that was only open from May to the first week in August. For entertainment we had one theater with three screens that mostly showed older films. Sometimes we'd get lucky and they'd play something new but that was a rarity.

The only video rental place we had had gone out of business three years ago which wasn't too surprising with most people streaming movies now. They only thing we had to push us into the modern era was the big box store at the edge of town. It had put a lot of local shops out of business when it moved in but I couldn't complain much. It brought with it things that we would have had to drive out of town to buy otherwise; like cell phones, game consoles, and computers. It also had a pizzeria built right into the store. The pizza place was nice but I would still have liked to have had some real fast food places in town and not just the diner of car hops past.

By the time I clocked out and headed for my car it was already dark. I was exhausted, my feet hurt, and I still had to pick up Sean. My parents ate early so Sean had already had dinner but I still had to figure out what to make for Kurt. I could eat or not, I didn't really care, but Kurt would flip if I didn't feed him. I didn't feel like cooking though, not after a long day of standing behind a register and the occasional cleaning, so I decided to just stop and pick up something at the diner down the street. I called ahead and ordered two double cheese burgers and two large French fries. I didn't really want to get us food and not get Sean anything so I ordered him a cheeseburger. If he wasn't hungry he could always eat it later.

Mom, like always, wanted me to stay so she could talk my ear off but I told her I had to pick up the food before the diner closed. She frowned and lectured me on spending money on take out instead of just cooking something at home. She was right but I was running on empty. I told her that but it didn't change her mind. Instead I got a story about how poor she was when I was little, how she and my dad sacrificed to save every dime they had and that's why they had money now. I didn't have the energy to argue with her so I just agreed and promised that I wouldn't spend any extra money for the rest of the month.

I could see her point. Why should she lend me money for bills if I was going to waste money on frivolous things? It made sense but honestly, I didn't do it all the time. I was actually pretty good at adhering to a budget. I never spent money on name brands, went to the food bank once a month, and didn't blow my money on things I didn't need. Hell, I hadn't bought anything nice for myself in over a year.

The winter jacket I currently owned had seen better days. It had more holes than Swiss cheese, the zipper was broken, and the elastic had worn out ages ago. The last thing I'd gotten for myself was a new pair of shoes for work but even they had been discounted. When I thought of all the things I didn't buy, I figured I could splurge on a couple of sandwiches and fries that cost less than twenty bucks.

Sean ate his burger in the car. Actually he scarfed it down.

"Didn't Grandma feed you?" I chuckled, watching him stuff the thing into his mouth.

He nodded before swallowing. "She made green bean casserole." He made a face that clearly said he wasn't impressed. "I didn't eat much of it."

I grinned. "You can have my fries." I told him. "And there's cake in the fridge. You can have one piece."

His eyes lit up at the word "cake." He grabbed the bag of food with a motion faster than the human eye could register and found the tin foil wrapped fries. He'd nearly had them gone by the time we reached the house.

As always, Kurt was parked in his computer chair, focus locked on whatever he was watching online.

"Kid in the house." I announced as we entered through the back door. Translation: If you're watching anything rated X, turn it off. That was a rule I didn't budge on. It shouldn't have been something that needed enforcing but sadly, it was.

I don't know if Kurt just didn't think about it or didn't care but either way, it was something I was always going to put my foot down on. Not that I haven't watched the occasional X rated movie before but I sure as hell didn't watch it around my twelve year old son. I didn't even watch R rated stuff around him and I was an avid horror fan. I just didn't feel that Sean needed to be exposed to that kind of thing at his age. Of course, seeing someone get hacked to death by a machete wasn't nearly as bad as seeing some guy sucking cock but still, I didn't want him having nightmares.

"Bout time you got home." Kurt grumbled. "I'm starving."

"There are TV dinners in the freezer." I reminded him.

"I want real food." He countered. "Not some frozen shit."

I walked over to him and dropped the bag, minus my burger and the fries Sean ate, into his lap. "bon appetit." I said, a hint of sarcasm in my voice.

"What the fuck is this shit?" He turned and glared at me.

"Dinner." I answered.

"You're not cooking?"

"I'm tired. I've been on my feet all day and I don't feel like cooking."

He narrowed his eyes and for a moment I thought he was going to start screaming but then he opened the bag and looked inside. "I expect a home cooked meal tomorrow." Was all he said before he started in on the sandwich.

I had to bite my bottom lip to keep from going off on him. I was seriously livid. How the hell could he expect anything when he sits at home on his ass all day long doing nothing? He didn't pay any bills, he didn't buy the food, but he expected me to feed him and buy his cigarettes, and keep a roof over his head. He didn't have the right to expect or demand anything and I wanted to tell him that so bad but I couldn't. All it would do is start a fight and I really wasn't in the mood for that.

I turned away, fuming but silent and went to the kitchen. I cut a piece of cake for Sean and told him to sit at the dining room table to eat it. Kurt looked over and frowned. "Where's mine?"

"You can get up and get it your damn self." I sneered.

"What the fuck is your problem?" He didn't yell but he'd raised his voice enough to startle Sean.

"Don't fucking start." I shot Kurt a look that shut him down fast. He could yell at and berate me all he wanted but I'd be damned if I'd let him upset my son.

He opened his mouth to speak but I cut him off. "No. I don't want to hear it. One more word and me and Sean will be staying at a hotel tonight."

At that, Kurt burst out laughing. "Go then!" He shouted. "You really think I care? Good riddance. I'd love to have the place to my self for once. An entire night with no fucking drama, no annoying brat running around, and no whiny bitch, hell, that's my idea of heaven."

I stood there, glaring at Kurt, my arms crossed over my chest. "Finish your cake, Sean, then go pack an overnight bag." I didn't break eye contact until Sean had finished eating then jumped up from the table and darted off to his room. Once he was out of sight I picked up his plate, took it to the sink, then went to my own room.

A minute later and I was hastily throwing things into a small duffle bag on the bed. Kurt stood in the doorway watching me with a puzzled look on his face. "You're not seriously leaving are you?"

"Yep."

"Oh come on, stop acting stupid."

"If I were you, I'd stop talking now." I threw my tooth brush into the bag, my hair brush and deodorant, then looked around the room to see if there was anything I was forgetting.

"This is ridiculous, Jess. You can't even afford a night in a hotel. What are you going to do, drive to Fairview in the middle of the night?"

I zipped the bag then turned to look at him, my expression serious and stern. "You don't need to know where I'm going, and how much money I spend isn't your concern. All I know is that I'm not staying here tonight. Tomorrow, I don't know what I'll do."

"Why are you doing this?" His expression was an odd mix of anger and hurt. He didn't know how to handle the situation because it was so out of character for me. I'd threatened to leave before but never followed through and he knew I wasn't going to move out of my own house, but I just couldn't be around him any longer. I needed time to think and cool off. "I don't get why you're acting this way. Did something happen at work?"

"You don't get why I'm acting this way?"

He shrugged, clearly not getting it. There always had to be some other reason, something other than himself. Either I was being unreasonable, or something happened at work that upset me. Once he even suggested that I'd gone off my depression medication. Anything but him. No way could he be the problem.

I sighed and ran a hand through my hair. "I'm sick of this. All of this. I'm sick of working all day and coming home to a house that's trashed. I'm sick of never getting any help around here, of having to shoulder all the responsibility. I'm sick and tired of giving and giving and getting nothing in return, not even a thank you for everything I've done for you. I can't live like this anymore."

He pursed his lips, bracing one hand against the door frame. "It sounds like you're sick of me."

"Yeah, well, maybe I am." The words came out before I could stop them. Everything I'd been holding back, everything that I'd allowed to build up suddenly came gushing out, crashing through my mouth like a volcano erupting. "You take everything I do for granted!" I shouted, and I could feel the tears filling my eyes as my emotions took over. "I do everything around here. I work, I pay the bills, I cook and I clean and you just sit on your ass all day or you sleep all day and stay up all night watching porn."

"So, this is about me watching porn?"

"No!" I threw my hands up in frustration. "God, are you even listening to me? I don't give a shit about the porn. I'm sick of being used."

"I don't use you."

"The hell you don't."

"How? How exactly do I use you?"

Was he fucking serious? "Okay, well, you don't work so you don't contribute financially. I come home exhausted and you immediately jump down my throat because your dinner isn't ready. Sean mows the yard, a twelve year old who should out playing and having fun with kids his age does more around here than you do. I ask you to take out the trash and you get pissed. You complain that I nag you all the time, but I'm just asking you to do things that any normal person would do, like take your dirty dishes out to the sink, not throw your trash on the floor. Common sense things. I'm supposed to be your partner but you treat me like a fucking slave."

"Well, you don't act much like a partner either. If I don't get the things I need why should I give you the things you need?"

I just stared at him, dumbfounded. Somehow he'd managed to turn this all around on me and make it my fault. "What needs aren't being met?" I asked him. "You have a place to live, food to eat, clean clothes and no responsibilities. So, what exactly aren't you getting?"

"Sex." He said it bluntly, with an accusing look in his eye. "When's the last time we had sex? Hell, when's the last time we even slept in the same bed? For the past three months you've been sleeping on the couch. You act like your disgusted to touch me. You won't even give me a blow job. Why do you think I watch porn and jerk off all the time? Maybe if you were a little more attentive in the bedroom I'd feel like helping out more around the house."

"Really?" I shook my head in disbelief as I wiped tears away from my eyes. "You think sex is a quid pro quo? I fuck you and maybe you'll take the trash out? I blow you and you might do the dishes? Sorry love, but that's called prostitution and I am nobody's whore."

Again, he shrugged. "I'm just telling you what I need."

"Well, your priorities are a bit misplaced. Sex shouldn't be used as a bargaining chip, it should be something special shared by two people who are in love."

"So what, you don't love me anymore?"

I stared at him for a long time, unsure how to answer that. It should have been easy. Yes or no. Did I love him or not? Honestly, I wasn't sure anymore. "I don't know." Was all I could say and it was true. I didn't know that I did still love him. I certainly didn't love the way he acted. I didn't love the way he treated me, or my son. I shook my head, my gaze falling to the floor. "I just don't know, Kurt. I need time to think and figure things out."

"Dad?" I looked up and saw Sean standing behind Kurt, a red backpack slung over one shoulder. "Are we going?"

I picked up my bag and pushed past Kurt, out of the room. "Yeah bud, we're going."

"If you leave, I may not be here when you get back."

I had to laugh at Kurt's empty threat. "Yeah you will. Where else are you gonna go?"

I didn't say another word. Sean followed me out the door and to the car. I didn't look back, didn't hesitate, and for once, I didn't feel guilty about walking out and leaving Kurt behind.

****

I drove at a snails pace, my breaks screeching angrily down the bumpy road. Often times my emotions override my better judgement and tonight was no exception. My argument with Kurt had caused me to momentarily forget about my break issue and I could have kicked myself for that oversight. Pride and anger would not allow me to turn back though, as stupid as that may sound, I just couldn't give that man the satisfaction.

I drove as cautiously as I could though, tapping my breaks when I absolutely had to use them. Sean noticed right away and I could tell he was as tense as I was.

"Are we going to be okay?" He asked with a tone of concern one should never hear in a child's voice.

"Yeah, Bud. We're gonna be fine. As long as I take it slow and don't slam on the breaks, they'll hold."

He turned to look at me. I kept my eyes on the road but out of the corner of my eye I could see the worried look on his face. "I mean... like... are we," He paused a moment, looking for the right words. "We're going back, aren't we? We're not homeless now, right?"

My heart sank hearing the distress in his voice and I was suddenly feeling ashamed that I'd let things escalate this far right in front of him. "No, Bud. We're not homeless." I gave him a quick smile to help reassure. "I own the house. We're just... taking a break. For tonight anyway, we'll be back home tomorrow."

"So... um... if you and Kurt broke up, he can't take the house and kick us out?"

"Nope. It's all in my name. I mean, he could try, but he'd lose. Grandma and Grandpa are co-signers on the house, they paid the down payment and I make all the monthly payments. Kurt would have to prove in a court that he contributed in some way financially and he hasn't."

"And a judge would believe you over him?"

"He'd have to." I told him. "I have proof, documents, bank statements. It's all good."

Sean let out a breath and relaxed some. "Good. I was worried."

"You don't have to worry, Bud. Grandma and Grandpa would never let us be homeless anyway, even if Kurt did try to fight it, Grandpa has a great lawyer."

"Tim, right?"

I nodded. "That's right." Tim was a family friend and the lawyer my parents used for pretty much everything. I didn't know what kind of law he practiced specifically but I did know he was the one that handled my parents wills and all their real estate stuff. Before my dad retired he worked with a crew that bought rundown houses and flipped them. He turned a good profit selling the houses he'd fixed and even had a few rentals. The house I owned was one of the properties he'd been interested in buying when it had gone up for auction. The price was so good that we decided I should buy it and I jumped at the opportunity.

My parents put the down payment on the house and co-signed on the loan and I became the proud owner of what they referred to as a "fixer-upper." Over the years it became less of a fixer-upper and more of a money pit that was slowly sucking me in. I never complained to my parents though. I was grateful for their help and thankful that I at least I had a house. Being a home owner did have its perks. I hated renting apartments. Renting felt like being in a cage with the illusion of being free. You always have to be careful of what you do, what you say, and who you piss off.

A colicky baby in the middle of night got the cops called because my neighbor assumed I was being neglectful. A toddler running across the floor sparked complaints from the elderly man that lived in the apartment under me. Some idiot even called children's services on me once because my kid, my plump little toddler, looked underfed and dirty. He was dirty, but that's because we'd been at the play ground after getting ice cream cones and he'd been rolling around in a sand box for half an hour. Things like that pissed me off but what really got to me was the constant questions about where his mother was, did she work long hours, and why was I the only parent they ever saw.

What could I say? His mom was a crack head bitch that cared more about getting high than raising her son? That I'd gotten so drunk at a party I'd ended up in bed with some chick I barely knew and was too dumb or too drunk to use protection? That she'd left our six month old son with me for the weekend and never came back, never called to explain, and that I had no idea where she was or if she was even alive?

I wasn't about to divulge my life story to some nosy old ladies who had too much time on their hands so I usually just shrugged and said Sean's mother was no longer in the picture. She was just one in a long line of mistakes I'd made when I was younger but I never, not once, ever regretted becoming a father. Sean was the best thing that had ever happened to me and I loved him more than anything. I'd do anything for him, give anything just to keep him safe and happy. People can say what they will about me as long as they don't say I'm a bad father.

"Are you and Kurt going to break up?" Sean's question pulled me out of my thoughts and I considered what he'd just asked.

"I'm not sure." I wasn't going to lie to him. I always tried to be honest with Sean. "How would you feel if Kurt and I broke up?"

He shrugged, looking a little uncomfortable.

"Be honest. Nothing you say is going to upset me and I do want to consider your feelings too."

When he answered, he spoke slowly, carefully, as though considering each word before he spoke it. "I guess I wouldn't be too upset."

"Is that really how you feel?"

He hesitated a moment, turning to look out the window. "No. I'd be happy if he left. I think you would be too."

"I'm happy." I told him. "Kurt's just..."

"No, you're not." Sean cut me off before I could finish.

"Why do you think that?"

"You never smile anymore." He said, honestly. "Kurt's always in a bad mood and that puts you in a bad mood. Plus, you work all the time and you never do any of the things you used to do. You're either working, taking care of Kurt, or too tiered to do anything else. You sleep more than normal too."

He wasn't wrong. I had to admit that. Lately, I didn't enjoy doing much of anything and sleeping was the only way to escape the tension that had been building between me and Kurt for a while. I spend so much time worrying about everyone else, taking care of everyone else, but never set aside time for the things I enjoyed.

When Kurt and I first got together we had fun. We went out to eat, went to movies, and we also did things as a family with Sean. We were happy but that was a long time ago. Now, I try to avoid Kurt when I can and I know that Sean is happier when he's not around Kurt. Worst of all though, my depression had gotten so bad that I didn't even want to do all the fun things with Sean that I used to do. I was either too worn out, or worrying about money, to the point that I was both physically and emotionally exhausted. I realized now that I wasn't the only one suffering in my relationship with Kurt, Sean was suffering too.

"Do you feel like I don't spend enough time with you now?"

"Sometimes." He turned to look at me. "Sometimes, I miss the way you used to be. I miss my dad."

His words hit like a knife straight through my heart. I never wanted to neglect my son, never wanted to put him second, but I had, and he was hurting.

"Things are going to change." I told him. "Things are going to be better."

"You promise?"

"I promise." I said, and I hoped to God I could keep that promise.

***

I didn't drive to Fairview, that would have put extra strain on my breaks. Besides, Kurt was right, I couldn't afford a night in a hotel. At least not a fancy one. That was a little out of my price range. Instead, I drove to the old Belmont Inn. It was more of motel than a hotel with five, small, one room cabins, each with a private bath. The main office wasn't much bigger than the rooms and the only refreshments they offered was stale coffee and a vending machine. It was closer though, just on the outskirts of town, and it was cheap.

The desk clerk was an older man with grey, thinning hair, and wire rimmed glasses that sat low on his nose. He was short and stout, carrying a gut that told me he liked his drink. He looked up when Sean and I entered. Like most of the people in Norwich, he recognized us immediately.

"Surprised to see you here, Jess." He said with a warm smile. "You looking for a room?"

"Yeah, Stan. Just for the night." I turned and nodded toward Sean. "You got one with two twins?"

"Sure do," He turned and grabbed a key off the rack behind him. "You're my only guest at the moment though cabin three is the only one with the accommodations you're looking for."

"Good enough." I pulled out my wallet and produced my bank card. "How much is it?"

"Two beds usually run a bit higher but for you, I'll make an exception. Fifty-nine."

"Thanks, Stan." I swiped my card and he handed me the receipt. "I need to sign anything?"

He shook his head. "No use. I know who ya are." He passed me the key and I accepted it with a smile. As Sean and I left the office and walked down to cabin three I couldn't help but feel like I was acting out a scene from 'Psycho.'

***

The door to the cabin swung open with ease. I don't know if I expected it to creek and moan like something from a haunted house but it didn't. I switched on the light and at once the room was bathed in a gentle, orange, hue. I groaned internally when I saw it. The place looked like 1970 threw up inside it. It had God-awful orange drapes and orange shag carpet. The walls were wood paneled, and there was an orange and yellow stripped arm chair next to the door.

Directly in front of us were the two twin beds, each covered in yellow and black floral bedspreads. A night stand sat beside each bed with a small, shaded lamp on top. Near the window was a cheap brown desk with only one drawer and kitchen style chair, also painted yellow. At least the phone on the desk was wireless. Had it been a rotary phone I would have shit myself laughing.

Against the wall at the foot of the two beds was a rose wood credenza with a small flat screen sitting in the center of it. The room also had a coffee maker complete with a basket of brews, powder creamers, and a small stack of Styrofoam cups that sat atop a microwave oven. Aside from the bathroom with it's usual amenities, that was it. Sweet and simple.

I plopped my bag down on the first bed and told Sean to brush his teeth and get changed for bed.

"It's only nine o'clock." He protested.

"Early check out," I told him. "And we have an eight o'clock appointment at the repair shop so you need your sleep."

He didn't argue though his shoulders slouched as he muttered "Fine" and dragged his backpack to the bathroom.

I sat at the desk and pulled out my phone to check my bank account. Luckily the motel had pretty good wifi so I didn't have to use up my data. I had enough in my account to just barely get by with this little venture, provided that Nate guy didn't over charge me for the breaks.

Sean came back out after a few minutes dressed in Pj's and looking a little annoyed. I sighed. "Fine, you can watch TV while I take a bath."

"Perfect," He grinned. "That should give me an hour or two."

"Very funny." I stuck my tongue out as I grabbed my bag from the bed. By the time I was in the bathroom, Sean was already laying comfortably on the bed, legs crossed at the ankles, and surfing through channels. I knew that would keep him occupied for a while and he was a good kid, I could trust him alone for a bit. Besides, I made sure to lock the door and he knows enough not to answer it for any reason. Stranger danger was one of the first things I taught him when he was little and I made sure to remind him every so often.

I closed the door and reveled in the solitude, something I would never have had at home. Just the idea of soaking in a tub, relaxing in the hot water, brought so much excitement that I could barely contain the smile that stretched across my face.

Times I've attempted a nice relaxing bath at home normally ended up with Kurt yelling at me to hurry up or worse, he'd come into the bathroom and try to start an argument when I was trying to unwind. It's almost like he couldn't stand for me to have even one small moment of peace and had to ruin it.

When the tub was full of the hottest water I could stand, I turned off the facet and then lowered myself in. I hissed at the heat as I settled down but the brief moment of discomfort quickly melted into pure, unadulterated, bliss. No yelling, no arguments, no one bothering me to get out so I can slave away waiting on them hand and foot only to be told I'm too slow, or too stupid. This was my idea of heaven.

The best part, I fit the tub perfectly and it was so clean and new looking. My tub at home was anything but relaxing. All I could do was lay there and think about the rust covered facet or the peeling paint on the bathroom walls. The torn screen let in bugs during the summer and the bathroom was always freezing in the winter. My legs always seemed a little too long and I wasn't even that big for a guy. I was five foot nine inches and had a small frame, but my home tub still felt cramped compared to the motel one.

I was able to slide down so that the water came up to my chin though I still had to pull my knees up a bit but at least they weren't pressed against my chest. I dipped my head under the water, wetting my hair, then came up and brushed the hair and water out of my eyes. My hair wasn't that long but it did come down over my eyes and ears with the back just brushing my shoulders. I normally parted it to the right with a bit of my bangs hanging over one eye. If it got in the way, I might pull it back into a short pony tail. Kurt hated when I wore my hair longer. He said it made me look like a girl. Just to spite him, I hadn't cut it in a couple of months.

When I'd thought I'd lounged around enough, I quickly washed and got out. The water was starting to cool anyway. I slipped on at-shirt and a pair of sweats that were a bit too big and slipped down on my hips some but I preferred them that way when sleeping. I didn't like anything tight hugging my body when I was in bed. If I could, I'd lounge around the house like that all day but days free of work were few and far between. Even on my days off it still felt like I was at work. Just a second job that paid nothing and the manager was an asshole.

Sean was already asleep when I walked back out into the other room. I switched the TV off, pulled the bedspread up over him, then climbed into the second bed next to his. I set the alarm on my phone and then placed the phone on the nightstand beside me. Morning would come early and my night of peace and relaxation would end. At least I could enjoy it for now.

I lay back and closed my eyes, drinking in the sweet quiet of the room. I was asleep in no time and for once in a very long while, I was actually able to sleep uninterrupted. My dreams that night were good ones, but dreams were all they were. As soon as I opened my eyes again, my nightmare of a life would resume.