Fearless Naked Vampire Killers

AUTHOR'S NOTE: The Sword of the Skyclad and other pagan 'histories' are purely my invention. If any similarities exist between them and actual pagan legends, they are purely accidental. All characters in this story are over the age of 18.

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"You have got to be shittin' me", I told the cashier at Spectre of Halloween while looking at the empty store shelves.

"I'm not shittin' you", he replied. "It's either the last hog dog costume or the last Strawberry Shortcake which is XXXXL sized. Take your pick or settle for nothing. Oh, and you might not want to waste your time going to another store. All of them had runs on Halloween costumes as well. It must be something in the air tonight."

"Jesus Christ. OK, I'll take the hot dog costume."

I ran my debit card through as I thought about the two reasons I didn't want this costume. First, of all. It looked fucking silly on my already unimpressive 5'7" and a half frame. I wanted something scary or at least something badass. Especially, tonight. Second, someone else could have shown up at the party wearing the very same thing. I don't want to sound like that girl at the prom who gets upset when some other girl wears the same dress as her, but you want to go into these things with your own look. So, I guess I was stuck being an Oscar Meyer Weiner.

As things stood, I was already going to be an hour late even if I hurried up and got changed. That's what happens when you study all night and oversleep. I slept so long that Harvey, the always dependable night janitor, was clocking in at campus. I made sure to wave at him before picking up my costume for the Halloween party. He waved back. Getting back to the here and now, I could have changed right there in the parking lot, but the costume might have been a little too cumbersome to drive in. So, I decided to change outside the house once I got to the party.

Fifteen minutes later, I was at a big farmhouse several miles from the outskirts of town. I was about to literally look like a big weeny. The house was surrounded by a couple of dozen cars. Once I parked my own vehicle, I stripped down to only my boxer shorts, my socks, and my sneakers. There didn't seem to be anyone coming in or out of the house, so I was able to put on this asinine outfit in peace. Now that I was dressed, I took a deep breath and said, "Here goes nothing."

I was at the front door when I heard the muffled beat of either techno or hip hop. Just as I was thinking about how it was rare that I of all people get invited to parties like these, I turned the knob. Nothing, and I mean NOTHING, could prepare me for what I saw.

The floor past the foyer in which I stood was covered with dozens of costumed bodies. All of them had two puncture holes in their necks with small leaks of blood coming from them. But that wasn't even the most unusual thing. The crazy, goth girl Cassandra Harkings stood stark naked amongst the bodies while carrying a sword. The same crazy goth girl who sat in the back of the class while other students prayed that they would not have to do joint projects with her. What kind of ungodly mayhem was that ghoul of a girl up to? She had better not be trying some weird voodoo shit on my poor buddy Jason, who was wearing an orange wig, big glasses and a gaudy old lady pantsuit like Gladys in the movie Weapons.

I took me a moment to process what I was seeing, and I still was unable to connect it to anything remotely resembling sanity. Even though we never occupied the same social circles, I felt it was apt to address her by her first name. "Cassandra, what the fuck is going on?"

"There's no time, Kelvin. You need to take off all of your clothes. Now."

"Bullshit. I'm getting the hell out of here and then I'm calling the police."

"The phone signal is out and even if you could call, the police can't help us. Just like you, they don't know what they're dealing with. Right now, I am going to put my sword on the ground. Once I do so, try to pick it up."

After she approached me and let go of her sword, I tried to do as she said but the sword might as well have been molecularly fused to the ground.

"That, Kelvin McCrawley, is the Sword of the Skyclad. It is unusable unless you are completely naked. It should stand to reason that the sword in front of you should be light enough for even someone as ignorant of these matters as you to pick up without trouble. However, reason as you believe it to be no longer applies."

As insane as the situation was, I now believed she was at least not making a conscious effort to lie to me. The jury was still out about her actually telling the truth. Yes, there is a difference. "Now, take off all of your clothes right now. I fear we are already too late."

I let out a defeated sigh. I started with my ludicrous hot dog costume. Once, I was out of that, I took off my sneakers and my socks. All that was left now were my boxer shorts. Trying not to look at her, I said, "Really? You want my shorts too?"

"I said everything. Take those shorts off now. And while you're at it, don't get in the habit of trying to cover your junk. You won't have time for that with all we need to be doing tonight and tomorrow morning. If we survive, that is. Come on. Drop those shorts now."

With one rapid motion, I pulled my shorts down and stepped out of them. Even though she told me not to, I placed both hands over my exposed manhood. I wasn't used to being naked in front of strangers when I could avoid it.

"What the fuck did I just tell you, Kelvin? Shit like that is going to get us fucking killed". With a movement that was even faster than me taking off my shorts, she pulled my hands away from their covering position. "So help me. If you try to cover yourself one more time, I will dick kick you so hard that you'll be travelling in time. GET IT?". She walked up to where I was standing and was rearing her left foot back.

I nodded frantically.

It looked like she was really gearing herself up for a post touchdown punt with my tender bits as the goalpost. "GOT IT?"

I nodded again even more frantically.

"GOOD!!!". She let that foot fly toward my very vulnerable crotch but at the very last nanosecond she stopped. She wiggled her toes around to tickle my balls. "Next time, shit's gonna get real. You DO NOT want a dick kick from me. Now pick up the goddamn sword. I have a spare in my car."

I was expecting a hernia only to find my right arm nearly flying with how light the sword felt. Before I undressed, it felt like I was trying to pick up a neutron star. Now, it felt like a guitar pick in Eddie Van Halen's hand. It didn't just feel light, it was as if I was born to carry it. Something just felt very natural about it despite the fact that I never handled a sword before. I slashed and thrusted into the air to get a feel for it.

Now that things were happening at a more satisfactory pace, Cassandra softened her tone. "You see, Kelvin. It's like Excalibur. While you have clothes on, you're everyone else trying to pull the sword from the stone. But once you're naked, you're The Once and Future King himself, Arthur. Now grab your shit so we can get the fuck outta here."

I picked up my costume along with my clothes and put them in my beat up little Toyota's trunk. Just as I was trying to figure out where to put my keys, Cassandra held out her left hand to take them while taking the sword I just held with her right. Evidently, we were taking her car to wherever we were going.

We were outside in the unseasonably warm late October air without a stitch of clothing on. It just now occurred to me that Cassandra had an amazing 5'10" body with nearly ivory skin. Strike that. She had a phenomenal body. She was both voluptuous and athletic. Even though she looked as if she exercised frequently, she was not a steroid addicted gym rat. Her curves were also striking without being freakish to the point of looking like a plastic bimbo. And that face. She looked like a classic movie actress with her shoulder length black hair and cold blue eyes. Everything about her was perfect. It took me a few months to finally appreciate her beauty. And to think that this was the "weird girl" that we went out of our way to ignore. As tempting as it was, I couldn't stare. Something very important was happening and I couldn't let sexual thoughts intrude. Not even if I didn't have a clue as to what was going on.

We walked to her car, which was a black 1967 Mustang that must be worth a fortune nowadays. It appeared that I was going to be riding shotgun while she drove tits out. After laying the swords across the back seat by its companion, she said, "Get in the passenger seat. We have a 45-minute trip and I need you to listen to every word. Don't get yourself distracted by you or me being naked. It has to be this way, and I'll tell you why on the trip."

After seating my bare ass in her car, I tried to focus my energies on facing toward my right to try to avoid looking at her. It wasn't easy averting my eyes since I was a nineteen-year-old who was still controlled by his hormones more often than I wanted to admit. I buckled up just as she sat in the driver seat. She turned on the ignition and her radio was playing a Velveteen Valkyries of the Void song. I can't say how many times in the last couple of months that I squirted one or two off watching that nude performance they did at StackedAFFest with Myra Slayne on the Superhung video app. Just what I didn't need. A reminder of something that gave me a throbbing boner.

Cassandra buckled up and turned off the radio. She shifted the car into drive and began to talk: "Good song but I need you to pay attention to me right now. You just came within a few minutes of losing not just your life but your very soul to vampiric possession. I mean, what happened? Did you oversleep? Are you invited to parties so rarely that you forgot you were invited to one for once? OK, I shouldn't have said that. But anyway, your tardiness saved you."

I asked her, "So had I have been there a few minutes earlier, I would have had all my blood sucked out?"

"Not all of it. Just enough to keep you under their control. They are all in a state of unconsciousness right now. They can still be saved. We have 24 hours until they become full vampires but they can still stumble outside later on and be incinerated by sunlight. Right now, they need their rest."

"How do you know all this?"

"Well, let me ask you something? How old do you think I am?"

"You look like the same age as the rest of us. 19? 20? Maybe 21?"

"Wrong. I'm 27."

"27? You look so young. I'm not trying to make you feel old but that seems like a long time before I get to be that age."

"Enjoy your youth while you can, Kelvin. It'll slip by faster than you know. I'm already at an age where it all seems to go by faster and faster. So, let me get back to my story. I'm not really a college student. I've been a vampire huntress for seven years. I have been personally responsible for who knows how many bloodsuckers. Hell, bloodsuckers is the wrong word these days. There are numerous species of vampires. Some of them don't even need blood. Some can subsist from the electricity in your nervous system. There are even a few that can infect your brain with something like a computer virus and drain you of your lifeforce remotely. But we're not going to worry about those right now because we are dealing with what should be a run of the mill stock vampire right out of somewhat traditional lore."

"What do you mean 'should be'?"

"How well do you know Maxwill Groam Jr.?"

"The jerk that acts like everything is owed to him? The guy that is a part time Manosphere influencer with way too many stupid people following him? The guy that says 'making love' is for 'fags'?"

"That's him. He's all of those and worse. His dad Max Sr. runs a private equity firm that can be blamed for putting ten million people out of work while his own fortune is now in the trillions. As heartless and evil a cunt as he is, his son is becoming something that could be far worse. You see, the old man is at least quiet about all the fiscal atrocities he commits. He never does interviews and he never comes out during the day. He's always in his compound which is in some undisclosed location. Not so with Junior who lives life by being 'in your face and up your ass'. Other than a certain occupant of the now shitty looking White House, I have never seen a more attention starved asshole in all my life. The vampire killing agency I work for sent me here as a fake student to kill him and hopefully who ever turned him too. Whoever that is."

"Wouldn't that be his dad?"

"Well, you would think. However, even though his dad invests heavily in age defying pharmaceuticals, he has expressed no interests in becoming immortal himself. He says he feels like he will die when nature is ready for him to. His son has no such compunctions."

"So, how did little Mr. Rich Boy wind up here?"

"Little Maxwill started out as Ivy League until he flunked out to the point that his dad's money couldn't save him. Then he got bumped down to a state university. It took only a semester to fuck that up too. Then it was several other schools and now he's here in our crappy little community college. It's the end of the academic road for entitled pricks like him who don't want to put effort into anything except for being a piece of shit. Now this school is just fine for someone like you because you can work your way up to state as long as you keep your grades up. But for Junior, it's the ultimate humiliation. Slumming with the poors."

"What does this have to do with vampires, Cassandra?"

"You said it yourself a few minutes back. Junior is one entitled son of a bitch. You see, the Groams have stolen your money, jobs, and your dignity but that's not enough for Junior. He wants to spit in the face of the universe and be a burden upon eternity itself. He wants to live forever and make the rest of us miserable while he's at it. He has had everything handed to him his whole life and he still wants more and more. He found someone who was able to fulfill his deepest, darkest wish by making him a vampire. Who that is I have no idea but I'm pretty certain it's not his dad. He's a spoiled debutante and what we saw is his coming out."

"So you're saying Maxwill attacked the party tonight?"

"And he had some help. Don't you get it, Kelv? Everyone on that invitation list is someone he wanted to take out his embarrassment on by making them his slaves. It doesn't matter if it's not their fault. Do you remember wronging him in any way? You don't have to even though you were on the goddamn list all the same. Can't you see? He organized that fucking party."

"Oh, shit". Having heard that made me think of all the rejection I faced in high school that was now a repeating theme as a college student. Not only was I a victim, I was also a rejecter myself. I had to start to make amends now that things were heading in a direction that I couldn't turn back from. "Cassandra, if I mistreated you in any way, I apologize."

She said, "No, I kept myself aloof. It was the best way to study Junior's movements. I didn't want to drag anyone innocent into harm's way. It was really difficult when your boy Jason Houlahan was always trying to be my friend. I can handle jerks very easily. It's sweet guys like him that are the hardest to turn away."

"Yeah, Jason. He's all heart. And it sucks that he's in the farmhouse right now with two holes in his neck. Goddammit!!! Why him?"

"Considering it's Maxwill Groam Jr., Asshole Extraordinaire, you just answered your own question. So let's do this thing for Jason and everyone else. Speaking of which, I would have made it to the party sooner but Junior had me arrested on a trumped-up burglary charge. Not enough evidence to stick but enough to keep me locked up while he did what he did at the party. Thank heavens The Agency bailed me out. I'm hoping we have enough time to save everyone. I was too late to stop it earlier but all isn't lost. As long as we kill Junior and his benefactor in evil, the vampiric spell they have over the partygoers ends. Everything should be back to normal if we succeed."

I wanted to be the voice of reassurance but this was all very new to me. I wasn't optimistic we could succeed considering what we were up against at my present level of inexperience. For better or worse, I was here and I was going to do what I could.

"Right now Kelv, we are going to the hospital that Groam Equity closed down a few months back. It's Junior's current base of operations. Do you have any more questions?"

"What is with the swords?"

"Vampires have existed since prehistoric times at least. Our ancient pagan ancestors had to contend with them just as we are today. The ancient faiths conducted skyclad rituals, or naked as if you are clad by only the sky, in many facets of their lives. One such ritual performed was protection from vampires. The best defense they had were the swords we are using while naked. Clothes are a hindrance that blocks the swords' magical properties. Well, they make the swords impossible to pick up."

I took a defeated breath and let my head sag down. Here I was, a goofball who read manga and played videogames while others my age were war heroes, gold medalists, respected scientists, and anything else that required the gumption that I sorely lacked. I really felt the weight of my lack of accomplishment. In the headlights was a sign that said that our destination was only a half a mile away. The time for self-pity was over now that the hospital was visible. It was a boxy building that stood four stories.

We parked in a space that was directly across from the waiting room lobby. Both of us exited the car and took a sword from the back seat. Once again, I felt the energy coursing through my naked body. I was itching to do something even if it got me killed but Cassandra motioned for me to stay my hand while she had something to say.

"I have to start with a little bit of a music analogy. I'm a metal fanatic. My favorite bands are Metallica, Anthrax, and Voivod. Just like those bands, I like to throw caution to the wind and go in there and kick some fucking ass. But tonight, we will need to be quite a bit more strategic. We have to be like jazz musicians. We have to improvise and do some crazy shit that no one expects. Got me?

I nodded.

"First things first. We need to walk over toward these reserve water tanks around the corner. Take both of the swords and place the point of each one to both tanks". A minute later we saw these two tanks standing side by side that held thousands of gallons each. Cassandra put her hand on each one and started to pray in what I believe was Latin. At the same time I had the points of both swords on both tanks. I tried not to stare at her shapely, nude ass in front of me. After about two minutes, she closed her prayer and we began to walk back.

"If you don't mind me asking, what was that all about?"

"Making them more sensitive to fire, making the stream widespread throughout the first floor, but most importantly, making it holy. You'll understand in a minute". Now we saw the lobby entrance.

We entered through the still working automatic doors. Once we were in the lobby, it looked like a perfectly normal, well lit waiting room except that it was completely deserted. No receptionists. No security guards. No doctors or nurses walking by. No visiting family members. Nobody except us. We were looking around for any hidden traps when an unwelcome nasally voice came through the intercom.

"ATTENTION, MY LOYAL ENTOURAGE. WE NOW HAVE TWO NAKED VISTIORS IN THE LOBBY. THE FIRST IS A SMALL DICK AND SAGGY BUTT MOTHERFUCKER WITH A MIDDLE AGE PAUNCH NAKED KELVIN McCRAWLEY. KELVIN, ISN'T IT PAST YOUR BEDTIME. SHOULDN'T YOU BE UP EARLY FOR CARTOONS IN THE MORNING WITH A BOWL OF FRUIT LOOPS IN FRONT OF YOU? NO MATTER, YOUR DROOPY ASS IS STILL FUCKED.

"AND ACCOMPANYING HIM IS THE ROTTEN BANANA TITTIED, DISTENDED TWAT LIPS WITH STRETCH MARKS LOT LIZARD CASSANDRA BARKINGS. HOLY SHIT, WHO LET THE DOGS OUT? WOOF WOOF!!! NO MATTER, YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO!!! KILL THOSE MOTHERFUCKERS!!!"

It was obviously Junior trying to fuck us up from the onset by making us insecure about our bodies. While mine was no masterpiece since I only started working a few months ago, what he said about Cassandra was total bullshit. She was a five alarm smoke show. Speaking of her, it was obvious that she wanted to tell me to not take the bait but felt there was no need once she looked into my eyes. It was then that we heard the screams and running footsteps. It was all hands on deck time.

When the first of Junior's shambling henchpeople became visible in the hallway, I noticed something horrible. I have seen many of these people before. I have seen some of them as I drove by the various drug rehab facilities throughout town. I was only guessing at that point but it appeared that Junior sold these lost souls a promise of escaping their tortured existences. I'm almost sure that he told them, "Join me and all your problems will be over. Forever."

Just as they were getting closer, Cassandra said something that seriously made me doubt her sanity at that moment, "Kelv, give me your sword. Now."

"Are you crazy?!?!"

"Trust me. This will work. Now give your sword."

Against my better judgment, I gave her the sword as the horde got closer. With a sword in each hand, she sprinted toward the seating area. She jumped on top of a coffee table, ran the short distance lengthwise, and leapt high into the air. Once she was at the apex of her jump, she clashed the blades of both swords together violently. The collision of the blades created a bright spark that activated the sprinkler system. She dropped both swords to the ground, tucked her body into a ball, and landed on a sofa that was against the wall.

The water felt good on my bare body because it was slightly warm. I couldn't say the same thing for the monstrosities that were dispatched to end us. Never before have I heard such dismal cries of agony. The water, which felt like a soothing shower to me, was highly acidic to the damned minions. The stench of their melting bodies was unbearable. I could have sworn that some of them still had the presence of mind to beg for the hellish rain to stop. No relief was coming. The waters it seemed had a mission: To eradicate whatever mockery of life these unfortunates still possessed.

Even though the stench persisted, the screams were finally over. All of the doomed were nothing more than a putrescent puddle that was once their decaying bodies and their rotting clothes. For a more seconds, the sprinklers unleashed their waters. Then, they stopped as quickly as they began. I took a deep breath and walked to the couch that I Cassandra was still hunkered down in. Fearing she probably hit her head on the wooden armrest, I lightly tapped her on the shoulder.

"I'm OK, Kelv. Never better."

She stood up and was completely drenched like me. She was breathing heavier than usual and her large boobs were heaving above her very well-toned abdominal muscles. Again, I had to look away. We won the first round so far, "See, Kelv. I prayed for the water in the tanks to become holy. I also prayed for all of the sprinklers to work on the first floor and for them to become more sensitive to fires, like the spark generated by the swords. Thanks in part to the sword you were generous enough to give me."

I sat down and sighed. "I know we have a lot to do but I need to process what just happened. We just killed probably hundreds of people. One of those people was Vinnie Crossthorn. He was a big deal in my high school football team. At least he was until he discovered steroids and painkillers to cope with his injuries and unrealistic expectations placed upon him. We all looked up to him growing up but in the end, he was just a sad, scared boy who gave in to his addictions. Just like all the others who just died. The only thing that separates me from them is that my parents put the fear of God into me about drugs. There wasn't much keeping me from being melted by holy water just now other than a happy accident at birth". I started sobbing out of guilt and grief for the massive loss of people I didn't even know.

"Kelv, we didn't kill anyone. They were already dead once they crossed paths with Junior. Some were already lost even before they met him. That's what addiction does to some people. All we did was end their misery. I don't know the answer is but I know that survivor's guilt is not it. All we can do about is make the right choices or make choices that look like it when what is right is not perfectly obvious. We have that opportunity tonight. Now dry your eyes. We've got plenty of work ahead of us."

Like an unwelcome guest, the voice on the intercom returned as Cassandra picked up our swords from the floor. "I SEE YOU DOWN THERE CRYING LIKE A LITTLE BITCH, KELVIN MCCRYBABY. DOES POOR WIDDLE BABY NEED HIS DIPEY WIPEY CHANGED. OH, I FORGOT. YOU'RE NOT WEARING ONE. BE A MOTHERFUCKIN' MAN EVEN IF YOU LACK THE EQUIPMENT FOR IT.

"OH, YEAH!!! I SEE OLD MISS DRAGGIN' TITS. ALL YOU ARE IS AN OLD WRINKLE WITH NONE OF THE JUICE. I WOULDN'T FUCK YOU WITH MY DAD'S OLD WORN OUT DICK. SPEAKING OF MY DAD, YOU'LL HAVE TO FACE HIS SIX WIVES ON THE SECOND FLOOR. MY OLD MAN MIGHT HATE MY NEWFOUND VAMPIRISM BUT EACH OF HIS WIVES LOVE IT. AND ONE MORE THING. THE LITTLE THING WITH THE SPRINKLER SYSTEM WON'T WORK A SECOND TIME. WE'RE FUCKIN' ON TO YOU SHITS THIS TIME. TOODLE-MOTHERFUCKIN'-LOO, MOTHERFUCKERS!!!"

Cassandra looked at me and said, "I know it was tempting to do otherwise but you're doing a great job keeping your mouth shut while that moron speaks. The shit spewing out of that cunt he calls his mouth should never be dignified with a reply. I don't care how much what he says stings or how clever your comeback is, it's not worth wasting breath on his sorry ass. Now let's go upstairs and fuck those bitches up. And try not to step on any of that rotten shit on the floor."

"Is it corrosive to us? Will it make us zombies too?"

"No, it's just fucking gross. That's all."

"One more question. How in the hell does the old man have six wives? I thought there were laws against bigamy."

"He's a goddamn trillionaire. Does that answer your question? Wait a second. I just remembered. I need to do another sword prayer. Keep quiet for a minute."

Planting both of her feet on the ground and spreading her arms apart with a sword in each hand, she began to pray once more in what I believed was Latin. Again, I had to look away from her magnificent nude body.

Finished with her prayer, I asked, "What did you pray for this time?"

She replied with a sly grin, "You'll find out in a few moments. Just be ready for a catfight of epic proportions."

We found the stairwell and walked up to second floor. The door opened to another waiting room. What we found there were six of the skankiest looking ho-bags that ever cursed God's green earth. Botched plastic surgeries. Ballooned lips from Botox. Fake tits that were not of matching size. They looked horrible before Junior vampirized them. But now, the blackness in their souls mutated them into something that barely resembled humanity.

The one who I believe called herself Montana St. Booty spoke first. "Are you two ready to feel the motherfucking boom?"

Cassandra was all smiles as she said, "Well, as I live and breathe. It's New Jersey St. Ass I think. I need to brush up on my porn. I would have watched your movie but I opted for Project Hail Mary instead, you know something actually good. But don't despair. I'll watch that movie of you farting on that dude's face, the guy that looks a whole lot like Totzi von Titzi's backdoor boy and cousin."

Totzi screamed at Montana, "You fuckin' bitch. You can't even keep it in the family like I can."

Cassandra was a roll, "And you Chastity Purity Prudence Hoor. One listen of that single of yours 'Give Me That Illegal Immigrant Welfare Fraud Penis' sent me to urgent care for a penicillin shot. Melanomia de Shtup here said she heard and smelt better shit when you were letting her stepson Dirty Sanchez you. You know how the RIAA gives out gold and platinum records? Melanomia said they gave you a wee little bag of shit."

Now Melanomia and Chastity were at it tooth and nail.

"That leaves me Klamidia Gonorhea and Mary Smith. So Klamidia, Mary has gone on record as saying that you are not to be taken lightly. Instead, you are to be taken by a bunch of bull dyke trannies in leather and orthopedic shoes while Gimme a Break is on TV."

Mary trying to be the voice of reason in a sea of futility said, "Can't you see what the slut is trying to do? She's trying to make us fight amongst ourselves. Don't fall for it."

Klamidia angrily shouted back, "Oh, go lick my titty sweat, you thundertwat."

Not to be outdone, Mary came back with, "Suck my pussy hole, asscharger."

"Eat my ass cheese."

"You have cheese coming from your ass? Fuckin' gross."

"Never mind what comes from my ass. Prepare to meet your motherfucking maker, you gender fluid motherfucker."

Cassandra pulled me aside and told me quietly amidst the shrieking and vampire on vampire violence, "Have a seat and watch, my dear boy. Unless they are attacking you personally, don't do anything except sit perfectly still. It's a goddamn shame we don't have any popcorn."

After ten minutes of vampires inflicting horrific amputations, decapitations and eviscerations upon each other, Cassandra decided it was time for mopping up. She gave me my sword back and we began to chop up the strewn about body parts of Maxwill Senior's wives. Once our blades hacked into vampire flesh, it burnt quickly with a blue flame that limited itself to undead remains. Nothing else in the waiting room ignited. It took a few more minutes to find Mary's sobbing head that was behind a yellow CIUDADO PISO MOJADO sign in front of the men's restroom.

Mary looked at us with pure bile in her eyes. "I hope you motherfuckers are happy. When Junior sees this, he's gonna fuck..."

Cassandra slashed Mary's head apart. Both halves were eaten quickly by blue flames.

I said, "Now I'm happy."

Cassandra smiled, "Me too. So what are your thoughts on social media, Kelv?"

"I hate the shit myself. All it does is divide people and shows us a side of them that I'd rather not see."

"What you hate about it is precisely what saved us just now. I have been watching all of their exchanges for weeks now. I knew what buttons to push. What Sun Tzu said about winning a battle before it starts still very much applies today. Something else I have to be honest about. I didn't actually pray before we went upstairs like I did with the water tanks. I just said some gibberish that sounded Latin while striking a cool, badass pose with the swords. If only Boris Vallejo had seen me."

For the third time, the intercom came on with that annoying voice we both came to know and hate. Before I get into what the now undead creep said, I have to point out his tone. Gone was the over the top cockiness and bluster. He wouldn't admit it but it was apparent that he woefully underestimated us. He kept on with his insults and potty mouthed bravado but it was of no use. We were on to him. Anyway, you might want to skip ahead to the lowercase letters if you have any sense. But if you're a glutton for punishment, here goes:

"YOU DISGUSTING MOTHERFUCKERS DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU HAVE DONE. NEVER SEND BITCHES TO DO A MAN'S JOB I ALWAYS SAY. THOSE STUPID WHORES COULDN'T FIND THEIR ASSES WITH BOTH HANDS, AN INSTRUCTION BOOKLET AND THEIR HEADS TURNED 360 DEGREES AROUND. THEY ARE LIKE ANY OTHER WOMAN AND SOYBOY..."

I have heard enough. "You can keep talking but we're coming up to pay you a visit. You best be ready."

"OH, I'M READY, MOTHERF..."

We walked halfway up the stairs to the third floor before I had to tell Cassandra something. "Your plans have all worked out beautifully but I think I can take Junior with my idea."

"What do you have in mind, Kelv?"

"You'll see. Feel free to contribute a riff or two to my improv session."

"I'm starting to like the way you think."

We walked the rest of the way up the stairs. A shirtless and heavily tattooed Junior was waiting 50 feet away for us. "Well, well, well. What do we have here? Kelvin McMotherfucker and ASSandra Whorings. You spent all that time naked and neither of you had the balls to bone each other. Motherfuckin' pathetic. But now..."

I had to interrupt, "So Max, Maxwell, Maxi-Pad. Whatever the fuck your name is. I admit, I'm not packing much heat. I know what I am and the truth doesn't bother me that much. But what about you? You talk a lot about dicks and penis size but nobody has ever seen you naked? What are you hiding? Is it something you're ashamed of?"

"Hey, we're on my motherfuckin' turf and we aren't talking about me."

"Au contraire mon frère. We are talking about you. Drop those pants and show us what you have that makes you proud. Unless of course..."

"Shut the fuck up, motherfucker. Neither of you fucks have earned the right to see my awesome cock."

Cassandra laughed, "Earned? You are absolute comedic gold, Maxwill. You would have already whupped it out by now unless it is too small to whup out. More like barely stick out like a skin tag."

We both worked as a tag team to attack Junior's overinflated sense of manliness. "I mean is that your dick or did your crotch throw up?"

"More like it dry heaved."

"You two motherfuckers quit it. You don't know who you're fuckin' with", Junior brilliantly retorted.

Cassandra said, "Let me guess. Someone who calls it a cock when it's not even much of a weenie."

"A Vienna Sausage that someone left out in the sun to dry."

On and on we kept punching down on this prick who spent his life punching down on others. We felt no guilt and no shame. The only thing that we felt bad about is that nobody did it earlier and with the intensity that we were hitting him. He was literally cowering in shame with my insults upon his manhood when Cassandra swiftly chopped off his head with her sword. His body turned to stone instantly.

She looked at me with something akin to respect in her eyes. "It's a bit overdue but you no longer have to look away from me. Feel free to look at my body. You've earned it now."

I literally didn't know what to say. My heart nearly exploded. As much as I appreciated her permission, there was one more level. One more piece of business.

"Let's go upstairs and take the final bastard. I think it's his dad, Cassandra. He never comes out during the daytime. It's obvious."

"Too obvious, you mean."

"We'll find out once we get upstairs. Let's go end this shit."

We were now on the fourth and final floor when we both lost consciousness all of a sudden.

Several hours later, we woke up on the floor in an office. Part of me knew it was almost daylight even though the windows were painted black. At a desk sat someone in a high back revolving chair that faced away from us. The chair turned around slowly. I couldn't believe who I saw sitting in it.

Harvey.

Holy fucking shit. It was Harvey this whole time.

Like Junior, he was also shirtless. Cassandra and I worked ourselves to a kneeling position and stared in disbelief.

Harvey looked down upon us and said softly, "Do you know how long it has taken me to finally be able to sit in a chair like this while on the job?"

I asked, "I thought you were supposed to be at the university?"

"No son, this is my real job. When you become head janitor, you can have your subordinates do the real work while you can bullshit. Only, I'm not bullshitting."

"Why, Harvey, why?"

"OK. I'll be happy to tell you. For years, I've been living on the periphery of life. Having to work shit jobs makes you someone nobody takes seriously. On and on it went. Until I was able to put the pieces together, both literally and figuratively. You see, I visit weird chat rooms in the middle of the night and I have to clean the university museum sometimes. I caught a thread about a missing statue piece. A piece that looked like an artifact in our museum. What are the odds? I asked for a 'sabbatical'. The whole time I stole the piece while nobody suspected a lowly janitor. I flew to Romania and gave the piece to its rightful owner, who rewarded me with eternal life. My work wasn't quite done yet. I wanted wealth to go along with my immortality."

Cassandra asked, "So you cozied up to Junior? Stupid fucking plan."

"Duly noted. I'm new to this and it was not one of my better plans. I thought he would be easy to take advantage of due to his stupidity but I seriously underestimated the degree of his stupidity. Well, now it's back to the proverbial drawing board. There will be others. Yes, there will. But before I do that, I must kill both of you."

Cassandra was staring at something on his desk for a second before she stood up.

All of a sudden, she started crying.

"Whatever is the matter, young lady?" Harvey stood up and put his arm around her. I didn't like this one bit.

"I realize you have to kill us. Your power is too much for us. We are just cattle. It is our place in nature. But please grant me one last request. I have never known the touch of man on my virgin body. Here I am, naked and ready. My boyfriend won't oblige me because he is a devout Christian. So, please. Make love to me. My body burns for you."

"I guess that's not too much to ask before you meet your end."

"Oh, thank you so much. Could you stand right here? Let's get more comfortable and take these pants off."

Harvey stood in front of the window and undid his pants. Too little too late when he realized he made the mistake of looking down while dropping his trowsers. Cassandra had her left leg reared back like an angry horse. At seemingly relativistic speed, her foot connected with the vampire's exposed testicles. The force of the kick sent him flying into the blackened widow which shattered into a billion black shards. I was nearly blinded by the daylight that now entered the room. Daylight that caused Harvey to explode into flame.

After making sure Harvey was no more, Cassandra looked at me and said, "it's all over, Kelv. The idiot was stupid to leave a working compass on his desk. It was a classic case of letting one's little head do all the thinking. The east window. He let me guide his old, decrepit ass to the goddamn east window. He was smart enough to put us to sleep with gas but not smart enough to understand his own surroundings. Let's get out of here."

Finding the two swords at the same spot we dropped them when we passed out, we left the hospital for once and for all. Once we were in Cassandra's car, she looked at me and asked, "what did you think of our little adventure?"

"To be honest, I found it all anticlimactic. I was expecting more action. More swordplay."

"Swordplay, he says? I'll give you some swordplay once we get back to the farmhouse."

The return trip was made in silence. Both of us just wanted to enjoy the beautiful morning after Halloween. After all, temperatures were going to drop steeply after today and stay that way until at least April. We drank some bottled water to rehydrate ourselves before resuming life as normal.

The morning sun was blazing in a mid-autumn clear sky as we pulled in the nearly deserted parking area. We both got out of the car as naked as the day we were born. At the same moment a still Gladys costumed Jason ran out of the farmhouse with a short person wearing work clothes and a goalie mask.

"Holy shit. Kelvin? Cassandra? You're both naked. I'm so sorry". An obviously embarrassed Jason turned his head.

Cassandra said, "it's OK, Jason. You don't have to look away."

I said, "Yeah. Me and Cassandra. We couldn't find anything to wear for Halloween. Anything at all."

Still embarrassed for us, Jason added, "Anyhow, this girl with me is Gladys". The girl pulled off her mask and revealed that she had short light brown hair and dark brown eyes. Not bad looking. "Well, anyway. This party was a bust. We slept through the whole goddamn thing. I think Gladys and I are going to make up for it by watching some horror movies on Tubi."

"Sounds like a plan, Jason. You have a great day."

"You too, Kelvin. Great to see you too, Cassandra. Not as in 'staring at you' seeing you but..."

"I understand, Jason", Cassandra laughed.

After Jason and Gladys drove off, I was now free to truly enjoy my nakedness with Cassandra. I could now look at her freely without fear of obligations or vampires. It didn't take too long for my dick to respond to my new sense of freedom. Miles from anyone else, she knelt in front of my erect member and put in her mouth. Now I understood what she meant by "swordplay".