The Princess and the Pee

Author's Note

The Princess and the Pee. And no, that's not a misspelling. I'm well aware of the difference between pee and pea. And if you're more fond of the former than the latter, this goofy take on a well-known fairy tale might be something you'd enjoy. But, if mild water sports offend your sensibilities, you'll probably want to take a pass.

* * *

The Princess and the Pee

Once upon a time, there was a prince who wished to marry a princess.

Now, dear reader, I'm sure that's a line you've heard a thousand times before. And you're probably beginning to question the choice to pick up and read this tale, particularly when it begins with a line so mundane.

But let me assure you, gentle reader, this is not your typical fairy tale, and this is certainly not your typical prince. For Prince Papillon was not like other girls.

Yes, you read that right. Prince Papillon. Other girls.

For while Prince Papillon was born as a girl, she did not feel the need to act like a girl. At least not a girly girl. A princessy girl. Though Prince Papillon had nothing against girly princessy girls, and in fact she rather wanted to marry one someday. She just didn't fancy herself as a girly girl, and certainly not a princess.

And indeed, it was this behavior that earned Prince Papillon the childhood nickname of Princess Pantaloons. For during her school days, she wore pants, preferring the boys' uniforms to the girls'. And though this nickname stuck, it was never uttered in Prince Papillon's presence. For whenever it was, it resulted in a rather severe thrashing for the one foolish enough to utter it.

Though lately, Prince Papillon had no desire to thrash anyone and much preferred taking solo walks in the forest and communing with nature. It was on one of these very many nature walks that Prince Papillon first came upon Princess Neptune.

* * *

And now, dear reader, let us pause here. For you deserve to know a bit about Princess Neptune before we continue our story, and why she had snuck out to the forest that day, instead of residing in a high tower, brushing her long, lovely hair and doing other princessy things.

Princess Neptune was distraught. Princess Neptune needed alone time. Princess Neptune was secretly called Princess Uranus behind her back. Except that these snide comments were thought of, and articulated more like, urine-ous.

For Princess Neptune had a bed wetting problem. A problem she'd had since childhood. Not that it was entirely her fault, Princess Neptune would tell anyone who would listen, but of course as it often is in fairy tales, no one listens to the princesses.

Princess Neptune, being a princess, was never allowed to go anywhere on her own. This included the toilet. Trips to the toilet came with an entourage of nurses, measuring what came out, and an equally large number of maids, ensuring the princess was properly cleansed and smelling properly princessy afterward.

What Princess Neptune really wanted, what she longed for, was to pee in private. But of course, as mentioned, no one really ever has the princesses' best wishes at heart in these kinds of stories. So follow her they did, those maids and nurses. Until finally, one day, Princess Neptune decided she'd had enough and she would just hold it.

And hold it she did. Princess Neptune would hold her pee all day long. At first it was a strain and a struggle, but as she grew older, it became easier for her. From sun up to sun down, Princess Neptune never, ever peed.

But at night, when she was asleep and her determination held less sway over her body, it was a different story. Princess Neptune always lost control over her bladder at night. Every night Princess Neptune wet her bed. And this is what garnered her the nickname Princess Urine-ous.

And this cruel nickname, of course, is what caused Princess Neptune to run off for the solitude of the forest on this particular day, the very same day Prince Papillon was out watering the trees.

* * *

"You get some water," said Papillon, urinating on a tree.

"And you get some water," said Papillon, moving to the next one.

"And you!" said Papillon, skipping on down the line of trees. "And you! And--"

Papillon stopped short after nearly bowling over Princess Neptune. "Pardon me, fair princess, for I did not see you there."

Princess Neptune stared. Not into Papillon's eyes, held in some sort of magical and mysterious true love's trance. For it is not that kind of a fairy tale, gentle reader.

No, Princess Neptune was staring at the tip of something peeking out from the undone fly of Prince Papillon's princely trousers. Princess Neptune blinked. A small droplet of urine glistened at the tip, and as Neptune stared, Prince Papillon shook exactly once and the droplet was dislodged to fall to the earth.

"Are you a prince?" asked Neptune.

Papillon nodded.

"What is that thing?" asked Neptune, next. "That thing in your hand."

"Little Star," replied Papillon, flashing a tight grin.

Princess Neptune scrunched up her brow, staring at Papillon's gaping trouser fly and the strange appendage poking forth.

"Sorry," said Papillon. "That's just my name for it. Tinkle, tinkle, little star?"

Papillon raised her eyebrows and waited. Neptune just stared.

"Tinkle?" added Papillon. "Twinkle?"

Neptune offered nothing.

Papillon sighed. "It's a urinary funnel. It lets me pee standing up. So when I'm in the forest and I need to--"

"You pee standing up?" asked Neptune.

Papillon nodded. "With this. My little star."

"How does that work, exactly?"

"You want me to show you?"

Princess Neptune chewed her lip for a moment and then shook her head. "How you pee is your business, nobody else's. Why should I want to watch you pee? Why should anybody want to watch anyone when they're...?"

"Princess?" whispered Papillon.

"I'm sorry," said Neptune. "I'm a little sensitive about these things."

"No one ever asks a princess what she wants to do, do they?"

Princess Neptune shook her head.

"That's why I became a prince!" declared Papillon. "You sure you don't want to give this a try? It's very liberating. And not this one here. I've got an extra. A clean one. I'll give it to you if you want. It's life changing, really."

Again Princess Neptune shook her head.

"Well," said Prince Papillon. "Let me just put this away. And if you need to go, I'll turn around so you can--"

"Turn around?" asked Neptune.

"Yes. So you might have some privacy. I know we're in the forest, and no one else is around. Just the woodland creatures, but they'll pay you no mind. So if you need to go, I'll turn my back."

"You would... do that for me?" said Princess Neptune.

"Of course," said Prince Papillon. "Unless you need a hand to steady you. I could do that while still averting my eyes, I think. Though if you're averse to the sound of it..."

"Prince Papillon!" exclaimed Neptune. "When you think of marriage, do you find yourself with the image of a girl or a boy?"

"A girl." Prince Papillon nodded. "Definitely a girl. Though she would have to be a girl who did not mind my many nature walks. And my way of watering trees."

Princess Neptune smiled. "If you would be so kind as to turn your head," she said, gathering up her skirts.

"Of course, my lady," said Prince Papillon.

And with that, Princess Neptune squatted on the forest floor and peed.

And peed.

And peed.

For Princess Neptune's bladder was the stuff of legend, and she had been holding it for some time.

"You must have been saving that for a while," remarked Prince Papillon.

"You peeked!" exclaimed Neptune.

"I did no such thing. But there is a small river here where there was none before."

Neptune looked down between her feet and promptly turned three shades of crimson in her cheeks.

Finally, she took a deep breath, stood up, and readjusted her skirts. "I am sorry for my outburst," said Neptune. "You are an honorable prince. It was wrong of me to doubt your word."

"Understandable," said Papillon. "We just met."

"Yes," said Neptune, staring down at the ground, no longer a river, but still moist and muddy. "And I have never peed in the forest before."

"Princess Neptune?"

"Yes, Prince Papillon?"

"Do you like to frolic?"

"Sorry, what?"

"Frolic. In the forest. It is something akin to walking, though with more levity and often--"

"Yes, I know what frolicking is," said Neptune.

"And would you like to? To frolic with me?" Prince Papillon held out a hand to Princess Neptune.

"Sure," said Neptune, latching onto Prince Papillon's hand, while concealing a small smirk that was creeping over her face. "You are a very chivalrous prince. I suppose we could frolic."

"Princess Neptune?" asked Papillon as they began to frolic.

"Yes?"

"Would you like to marry me someday?"

"Perhaps," said Neptune, clutching Papillon's hand and frolicking alongside. "Though I should like to give it some thought."

"Of course," said Papillon.

* * *

And now, dear reader, you may be left to wonder if this is the end of our tale, and if perhaps the two will simply frolic their way into a happily ever after. But, gentle reader, I can assure you this is not the case.

It's not that the two did not enjoy a good frolic. But rather there was so much frolicking the hour became late and the sun began to dip before the frolicking was concluded.

"Dearest Princess Neptune," said Prince Papillon. "I fear I have kept you out in the forest too long."

"I did enjoy the frolicking," said Neptune.

"I shall escort you home."

"But my home is so far from where we are," complained Neptune, pulling her mouth into a deep frown. "It isn't fair of me to put you out like that."

"My family's home is just over that rise," said Papillon, pointing off beyond the cluster of trees to a hillside. "You are welcome to stay in the guest house. And we can send a rider ahead to notify your family of your safety and well-being."

"Prince Papillon," heaved Neptune, clutching the Prince by the arm with both hands, "you are a most thoughtful prince. I am happy to have met you today."

"And I must say, Princess Neptune. I have never enjoyed a woodland frolic so much as I did today. I do believe my wish to marry you is stronger, indeed."

And together they started walking. They walked to the base of the rise and began their ascent. Halfway up to the top, Princess Neptune slowed her pace.

"Prince Papillon," said Neptune. "Would you mind waiting a moment. I think I need to..."

"Of course, Princess."

Papillon turned around. Neptune pulled up her skirts. And a new river was born that day, on the hillside.

"Shall we?" asked Papillon, elbow extended.

"Yes, let's," replied Neptune, latching on with two hands now.

* * *

And so, dear reader, after not one, but two mid-day pees, with Papillon standing guard but never too close, Princess Neptune felt her decision to accompany Prince Papillon was a good one. And, without the need to hold back her bladder, she felt more relaxed than ever before.

"Prince Papillon, my day has turned out so much better than I expected when I left home this morning," said Neptune, as she walked arm in arm with Prince Papillon. "And I have very much enjoyed spending it with you."

"And I with you, dear Princess."

"However, I do have some concerns. Particularly when it comes to the guest house."

"If you wish to be left alone, I will see to it you are not disturbed," said Papillon.

"It's not that," said Neptune, slowing her steps and lagging behind. "It's just that..."

Prince Papillon slowed to match Neptune's pace and stopped when she stopped.

"It's just that sometimes..." Neptune held her lower lip in her teeth and looked down to her feet. "Sometimes I have accidents in the bed."

"Then I shall ask for extra pillows, so you do not hurt yourself in the night if you should fall from bed."

"Not... Not that kind of accident." Neptune looked away.

"Oh," said Papillon. "Nothing to be concerned about."

* * *

And so, dear reader, Princess Neptune banished the unpleasant thoughts of bed wetting to the darkest corners of her mind. She spent the evening enjoying a hearty meal with Prince Papillon, and the prince's parents, in the castle dining room. She lounged by the fire and played with the family's cat, while minstrels struck a soft tune. And as the sun departed completely, and the moon took its place in the sky, the princess yawned ever so daintily.

"My dear Princess Neptune," said Prince Papillon. "I fear I have kept you from your slumbers. For that, I must apologize."

"It's alright," said Neptune. "I've enjoyed myself very much this fine evening."

Prince Papillon rose and stuck out an elbow. "I shall escort you to the guest house."

"So chivalrous," replied Neptune, smiling.

"I must ask you, dear princess. Do you prefer to bathe in the evening or at dawn? I only ask, because--"

"In the evening," said Neptune, before Papillon could finish. "Definitely in the evening."

Prince Papillon nodded. "Very well, I shall have a bath drawn for you."

"Would you...?" Neptune started, and then stopped.

She turned to face Prince Papillon. "I would feel better..."

Neptune frowned. "It's beneath your station, but..."

"Would you like me to draw your bath, princess?" asked Papillon.

Princess Neptune nodded.

"And would you like me to turn my head as I did in the forest today?"

Princess Neptune stopped. She chewed her lip and looked down at her feet. Finally, after some time, she raised her eyes to Prince Papillon. "Do you like girls?" asked Neptune.

Papillon nodded.

"Do you like this girl?" Princess Neptune turned her hand inward, pointing to the center of her chest.

Again, Papillon nodded.

"Would you oblige me by drawing my bath?"

"Of course," said Prince Papillon.

"And would you... join me in the bath?"

Prince Papillon stepped back and held Princess Neptune by both hands. Papillon peered into the princess's eyes. "And you're sure this is what you want, princess?"

Princess Neptune nodded. "Do you? Or do you wish to be married first?"

"It's just a bath, princess," said Papillon, smiling.

"It's just a bath."

* * *

And now, dear reader, we have come to the point where this fairy tale departs from the fairy tales of old. For in the stories you might recall from your childhood, the princess always married the prince and lived happily ever after. Never did she sink into the tub wrapped in the arms of a strong butch with a habit of frolicking and peeing on trees while standing up. Not in those stories.

But that's exactly what's happening here. And so, gentle reader, we join the prince and princess in the guest house, enjoying a relaxing soak after a long day of frolicking.

"Is the water still warm enough, dear princess?" asked Neptune.

"Yes, lovely."

"Do you feel clean?"

Princess Neptune smirked and pointed to her left shoulder. "Perhaps there is a spot here you may have missed."

Prince Papillon fished around in the tub, pulling forth a cloth. She touched the corner of it to Princess Neptune's shoulder, swirling it around. "And now?" asked Papillon.

"There is a place over here." Princess Neptune pointed to her right elbow.

Once again Prince Papillon swirled the cloth. "And now? Do you feel clean now?"

"I do," said Princess Neptune, "but I feel as if I should like to remain here in your arms a little longer, if that is amenable to you."

"Of course, princess."

"So chivalrous," muttered Neptune, as she let her head loll against Papillon's chest.

"You are a most enchanting princess," said Papillon, trailing a fingertip over Neptune's shoulder. "Until this day, I have always frolicked alone. Insisted on my solitude. And yet with you at my side, it felt good. Natural. Like I had been frolicking with you my whole life. But yet, we only just met."

"I too felt this," said Princess Neptune. "Never before have I been comfortable peeing in front of someone. I would always hold it, to avoid any possibility. And yet, today... twice! Twice I peed while you stood near."

"I would be honored to stand by you anytime, princess."

"So," said the princess, turning herself to face Prince Papillon. "If I needed to pee in the middle of the night?"

"I would accompany you, so you could find your way."

"And if I were to pee before bed?"

Papillon nodded. "I would keep watch so you are not disturbed."

"Prince Papillon," said Princess Neptune. "I will most certainly marry you one day."

Prince Papillon smiled.

Prince Papillon puckered up.

Prince Papillon leaned in.

Papillon missed.

For Princess Neptune had stood up, leaving Papillon in the tub, frowning.

"But first," said Neptune. "I had too much wine with dinner and I really need to go."

Papillon stared into the bathwater. "I understand."

"But Prince Papillon," said Princess Neptune, "will you not accompany me?"

Papillon looked up. "The chamber pot is in this very room, Princess. Surely you do not need me..."

Upon seeing Princess Neptune's face fall, Prince Papillon stood up. "Of course, my lady. It would be my honor."

Princess Neptune's smile returned and she held out her hand. The two stepped out of the tub, one after the other.

"Prince Papillon?"

"Yes, princess, I shall turn around so that you might have your privacy." Prince Papillon turned to face the opposite wall.

"Um, Prince Papillon?"

"Is something amiss? Any thing you require my lady, you need but say it and--"

"Prince Papillon?"

"My lady?"

"Would you like to watch?"

Prince Papillon turned a slow quarter turn. Princess Neptune was seated upon the chamber pot and staring at the floor. She raised her eyes to Papillon.

"Watch you...? I thought you found it distasteful."

Princess Neptune nodded. "I do. When it's nurses and maids. But when it's you... It feels different. Liberating. Isn't that what you say? I should like to try."

"Of course, Princess Neptune."

Princess Neptune parted her knees and looked into Papillon's eyes. "Can you see?" she asked.

Prince Papillon nodded.

"Here it comes," whispered Princess Neptune, the corners of her mouth ticking up slightly.

Papillon never looked away during the whole time the princess let loose. Soon the torrent became a trickle, and then nothing.

Princess Neptune peered into Papillon's eyes, the two of them motionless for what seemed like an eternity. And then Neptune sprang to her feet. She threw her arms about Prince Papillon's neck.

"That was amazing," exclaimed Princess Neptune. "I think when we are married, I shall have you watching me every time."

"Married?" mused Papillon, encircling the princess's waist. "I think I like the sound of that."

"Thank you, Prince Papillon. You have opened a whole new world to me. A world in which I never again need to hold my pee."

Prince Papillon looked into Princess Neptune's eyes and smiled. "Tomorrow, I should like to have you join me on my morning nature walk, if you would be so kind as to accompany me."

"Yes, I think I would enjoy that very much."

"But I must warn you, fair princess, I often rise before the sun," said Papillon.

Princess Neptune nodded.

"And I skip breakfast to snack on berries from the forest," said Papillon.

"I like berries," said Princess Neptune.

"And I hold my pee, so I can water as many trees as possible."

"I should like to water trees with you," said Neptune. "If you'll have me."

"I think it a splendid idea, my lady."

"And Prince Papillon?" said Neptune.

"My lady?"

"Would it also be wise to share a bed so we might set out together, first thing?"

"Even if we are not yet married?" asked Papillon.

"You have been nothing but chivalrous, my prince. I trust you with my virtue."

Prince Papillon reached for Princess Neptune's hand. "Thank you, my lady," said Papillon. "I promise your trust is not misplaced."

"Prince Papillon?"

"My princess?"

"I think there's a little left in me," said Princess Neptune, as she let a wry smile cross her lips. "Would you care to accompany me?"

Prince Papillon moved Princess Neptune's hand so that it rested in the crook of her arm. "It would be my honor."

The two marched back to fetch another chamber pot, which Princess Neptune promptly filled, while holding her skirts up out of the way. The tinkling sound, then finally a torrent, echoed around the room.

Prince Papillon grinned. "A little?"

Princess Neptune exhaled with a smile as she continued peeing, never looking away from Papillon's eyes as she did.

* * *

And as the moon shone through the bedroom window, dear reader, you should know, for the first time since she could remember, Princess Neptune slept through the night without wetting her bed. She woke in the morning, before the sun, still wrapped in the arms of Prince Papillon, warm and content. Her bladder was full, and she knew she would have to pee eventually, but after so many years of holding it, Princess Neptune knew it could wait until Prince Papillon was awake to watch.

And yes, dear reader, the two did eventually marry, but only after many seasons of frolicking and watering of trees.

The End

* * *

Afterword

This was a bit of a departure from my usual. I'd love to get your thoughts in the comments.