Vengeance

I couldn't put it off any longer; we needed to have 'the talk'. A feeling of dread ran through my body, sending a shiver down my spine.

We sat in the living room, mugs of steaming hot tea in our hands. I took a deep breath that seemed to catch, the words came out in a jumble, "There's something important I need to discuss with you?"

"Oh you sound serious, I hope it's nothing bad."

"Sorry this is really difficult; please try to remember I love you more than anything else in the world."

Panicking slightly I carried on, "It's a confession of sorts, so well ermm... while I was away I made a mistake, well several mistakes really."

Shit that didn't sound good, even to me! I forced myself to continue, "I, I slept with someone, I can't begin to tell you how sorry I am!"

Devastated didn't even come close to the reaction to those words; I felt like the worse kind of gutter rat on the face of the earth.

"It was just sex... I still love you, it was a terrible terrible mistake!"

For a few moments I thought Tessa had stopped breathing. Then she looked at me, I could see the fury building but her voice was as cold as ice, "One mistake or several, make up your mind!"

"It happened a few times over the last two months of our tour."

"So not a drunken fumble but an affair you kept repeating. You're an absolute pig, how many times exactly?"

"Does it matter, please don't over react, it was just sex and it doesn't affect us."

"Don't over react are you for real!? Did you think that I'd just accept this!?"

"Well no of course not, but I hoped we could get around it and move forward."

"Oh just move on because I love you and should forget about it; you're sadly mistaken! We talked about this; you said I could trust you on tour and in return for my trust I get treated like shit; is this the first time?"

"I've always been faithful to you before, I didn't mean for it to happen."

That was the truth, the woman involved had been so engaging with a huge amount of energy. I listened to her doubts about her fiancé, I was a comforting shoulder to cry on but before I knew it we were kissing. After that, one thing led to an inevitable other. She was so tempting, almost irresistible. I'd been hit on before by dozens of groupies but this felt different.

Tessa broke me from my thoughts, "Well who was it?"

"I think what is important..."

She interrupted my evasion, "Tell me now or we are done!"

"Shit OK, it was Emily, Josh's fiancée."

"Josh your friend and band mate? You stupid fucking idiot, you're unbelievable! Why are you telling me this now?"

"Well I wanted to be honest with you."

Tessa looked sceptical, "Does he know?"

"Yeah we had a fight about it when he found out. We're trying to sort out what will happen to the band. We've got contract commitments for Europe after the mid tour break."

"So your confession is because everyone already knows and you couldn't keep it quiet any longer!"

"No, well yeah I suppose that did change things, but I wanted to be honest."

"So that's two relationships you've ruined. I hate to break it to you but the world doesn't revolve around you Nathan! You've been listening to far too many people telling you that the sun shines out of your arse! What the fuck has happened to you, when did that all change?

"I haven't changed... I just made a mistake!"

"I always thought we were great together, this has completely blindsided me. Everyone said I was mad to trust a musician on tour, how can you betray me like that? You have no idea how this feels and just how much it hurts!"

"I do, well I think I do! Jesus I am so sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you, I never thought about the consequences."

"Trust me you have no idea, if you did you wouldn't be asking me to move on. I can't stay here with you, I can barely look at you; I'm leaving!"

"No pleased don't, I'll go if you need space or time, my gear is still packed and one of the lads will put me up. Just please consider giving me another chance."

"Why not go to your mums?"

"Because she will look at me like you are doing now."

***

We had formed the band seven years earlier, I was the lead guitar player. We were doing quite well and trying hard to make the step up when Josh joined us. He was only 17 at the time but he was a huge 'talent', not only a great singer but he could write. We all chipped in to refine the songs and shared the writing royalties but the songs were really his. We built up to play our own stuff, with just a couple of our best covers remaining in the set list and had embarked on a national tour of the UK playing mid-sized venues.

My wife Tessa had been supportive throughout even though she was well aware of the risks of alcohol, drugs, pressures, women, and the general stupidity of musicians in that position. She was worried about me being away for five months, but to her credit had still encouraged me to chase my dreams.

I didn't know Josh had found out about me and Emily until he started playing the Foo Fighters track, 'Best of you' in our warm up for the final gig on the UK leg of our tour.

He sang:

"Is someone getting the best, the best, the best. The best of you?

Are you gone and on to someone new?

Has someone taken your faith? It's real, the pain you feel. Your trust, you must confess.

I've got another confession, my friend. I'm no fool."

And then turned toward me and punched me in the face; it fucking hurt!! I tried to cover up but he just kept coming, raining punches down on me. Thankfully the other guys got there in time to save me from the worst of it.

They were shocked and supportive of me until Josh blurted it all out. "Go on you arsehole, tell everyone why I'm no longer engaged!"

The other band members were appalled at what I had done. That was nothing compared to the tour manager who was furious, "I fucking hate rock bands, you're all morons. It's the same shit over and over again. I'm telling you now if we lose money because of this I am going to sue you all for every last penny you have!"

His rant continued into epic proportions even for his standards, "The only way we make money is releasing the album with the tour promoting it. I am telling you now this tour will continue! Now get the makeup girl to cover the bruises and pretend you like each other while on stage. If anyone asks you just say it was a wild party that got out of hand and you were too drunk to remember the details, they will believe that of you imbeciles!"

After that none of the guys were talking to me and I realised I had to get back to Tessa and confess before she heard it from someone else. That went as well as the band warm up. If I was being honest with myself part of the reason I went with Emily was because I was jealous of Josh. Despite being 7 years younger than me he'd taken over as leader of the band. It used to be me everyone looked to and the fans adored, he took that away from me.

Josh took some persuading to continue. In return for staying he wanted sole writing accreditation and royalties for the album we were about to release. None of us could argue with that too much as he provided all of the source material. We had added some riffs, bridges and music elements but they were his songs. His or not, the potential loss of money for the other band members made me even more unpopular. I thought about quitting but I wasn't really any good at anything else, I mean what the hell would I do instead? I needed to talk to Tessa; she was always the one with ideas and solutions.

***

It took a while for Tessa to calm down, we talked on the phone but it was cold and uncomfortable. Days turned into weeks, something had to give if our marriage was to survive.

I had no idea how to patch up our marriage despite offering to 'do anything.' Tessa was trying to get over it, but she'd said I'd made a fool of her. It was the unfairness and trust issues that were proving to be the biggest barrier to us continuing.

We sat down to talk again, Tessa didn't hold back, "I feel like a doormat, if I forgive you, you get away scot free! And it's worse because all of the band and our friends know about it."

"I said I'd do anything to save us Tessa, anything!"

"You say that but then offer no ideas or suggestions, you're expecting me to fix us or just forgive you, well I can't! It's just too unfair, you've no idea what you have done to me. I stayed home to enable you to follow your dreams and in return you do this."

"I know it upsets you."

Her voice heightened in pitch and volume to a shrill, "Upsets me, upsets me! Are you serious, you haven't the faintest idea of how this makes me feel?"

She was raging, I was nervous about uttering another word, then she seemed to reach a conclusion, "Right the only way we might stay together is if we even things out! That way you will get to feel at least some of the pain I'm feeling now!"

"What do you mean 'even things out'?"

"I mean, I will have sex with another man and if it goes ok, do it for the same amount of time as you did, two months if you're telling the truth of course!"

"Come off it that's not on. It will just make things worse!"

"It's the only way you'll realise what this feels like! You said you'd do anything, other than a few apologies and some flowers nothing has changed. If I forgive you, why wouldn't you do it again, you have to pay some price!"

"I wouldn't do that Tessa!"

"And I should believe you why exactly? You wouldn't have even confessed unless you'd been forced to. If this hurts you enough, it might ensure you never repeat the same thing. It seems appropriate for you to know exactly how being cheated on feels. I would've never have done that to you."

A niggle formed in my addled brain, "You haven't started seeing anyone have you? I know we are living apart but we are still married."

"No I haven't done that, but it will be something we both have to get used to if we split up. Would you go back to Emily, I here her and Josh are over for good?"

"No, even if we split up she is too young; it was never a relationship thing."

"That is another reason for doing this, for me to see what it felt like from your perspective. You claim to never stopped loving me and that it was just sex; I don't think that can be true, but doing this might help me find out. I want to understand what made you do it and keep going back. Call it us being on a break or separated if it makes it easier. That's the reality anyway if we don't do this."

I sighed in frustration, "How would you even go about doing that?"

"I have no idea where to start, I'm the faithful wife remember! In fact if you don't want me trawling bars or going on a hook up site, you'll have to help set it up."

"No way in hell am I setting you up with another man!"

"Fine, you don't have to, we'll just call it quits now and try to move on with our lives."

"No I don't want to give up on us! and don't want to be separated anymore. Can I at least move back in while we try and sort this all out."

"I suppose so, it's your house as much as mine, but I'm not sharing a bedroom with you."

***

I stayed in the house and tried to ignore Tessa's request. That didn't work for long, she downloaded and completed a set of divorce papers and handed them to me. We didn't have many savings and neither of us could afford the house, so we'd have to sell it. It meant starting over for both of us, the thought of that was nothing less than miserable.

For the first time I started to think about her proposal. Maybe if it happened while I was on tour it wouldn't feel so bad, we had another few weeks before the European leg was due to start.

The impossible part was thinking about potential candidates. I talked to Tessa about it to show I was seriously considering it. She seemed surprised; maybe she thought I'd just opt for the divorce.

"So how would you see this working?"

"You're the adulterer, you tell me!"

I grimaced at that retort, Tessa spotted it, "Sorry being petty isn't helping us, but I honestly don't know where to start."

"Yeah ok, is there someone you know who might be interested?"

"Hardly I've been soundly off the market since we got together and made sure to stay that way."

"So maybe a stranger?"

"I don't know about that, there are safety issues and I don't want to mislead anyone. I am not looking for a life partner, just someone we can trust for a short while.

Bizarrely we were talking about potential candidates to be my wife's lover, Tessa prompted, "What about one of your friends, someone you trust?"

"Jesus no way, I'd never live it down. I suppose could ask my brother Chris, he's always liked you and I trust him more than anyone I know. At least I could explain everything, he'd be sympathetic and there's less chance of an attachment, he wouldn't try and take advantage."

"Yeah maybe, but it might make Christmas at your mums a bit awkward. I mean where do you even start that conversation? What about someone from the band, they all know what happened, no doubt they see me as the poor little wife."

"You've never cared about what they thought before, anyway things are already tense enough, I'm not even sure the band will stay together."

We didn't resolve anything but I said I would give it more thought. I just couldn't see how it could work.

A few days later Tessa surprised me with an option, she clearly wasn't letting this go, "My boss Hal noticed I was really down and not focused, I ended up telling him everything."

"I wish you hadn't Tessa, telling more people just makes it all feel bigger and harder to resolve."

"Actually he was very supportive and understanding, then he surprised me.

"Oh how?"

"Well he said he'd like me to consider him, he mentioned always liking me but knowing I was happily married. It was kind of cute; he actually asked me out on a date and then got all flustered."

"Shit, did he?"

"Yeah I said I'd think about it."

Actually as far as impossible choices went, Hal wasn't too bad. He was older although he definitely kept himself fit. But then I had caught him checking Tessa out a few times. I worried about him getting infatuated and they'd be working together afterwards. Would I be able to trust him? Strangely given the topic I did trust Tessa, she was nothing if not genuine and honest. I believed her when she declared this was about balancing the books.

***

We attended the first band meet up since Josh had attacked me. The management team had arranged a pre tour party in the gardens of a country house. The band, crew and management were all there with their wives and partners.

Tessa came with me; she looked gorgeous in a full rock chick outfit, including skin tight leather trousers, matching jacket and knee length boots. I guess she was making a point and wasn't going to play the part of a wallflower suffering from my infidelity.

Sure enough she was the life and soul of the party, and looked like the antithesis of a victim. Later I noticed her talking to Josh, they looked very comfortable with each other and deep in conversation.

She approached me later, "I had a long chat with Josh about you and Emily."

"Yeah so I saw, was there a reason for talking to him?"

"Well to see if you were telling the truth for one thing."

"You can trust..." I stopped myself recognising another thing I'd broken.

Tessa continued, "I wanted to see if he was ok and hear the story from his side of things. He is clearly devastated about Emily and their engagement is definitely off! I can't tell you how disappointed I am that you took advantage of her and ruined their relationship."

"Shit, I didn't mean for that to happen, is he ok?"

"No, he actually seemed quite lost and sad. He is talking about quitting the band and sod the implications; potentially that bankrupts you, and me by default. He was grateful than I checked to see how he was doing, it's more than you have done!"

"I doubt he'd talk to me, the last time I saw him he punched me!"

"Actually he seemed like a really nice guy and was easy to talk to. I guess we have a lot in common both being cheated on."

Then it dawned on me where this might be going, "You aren't thinking of him are you?"

"It crossed my mind, you hurt him and it would balance the books for both of us. We're the harmed parties in all of this! It might even help him get over everything and keep the band going."

"That would be a nightmare, he'd have that over me forever. Anyway he is too young, he is only 21!"

"Yes exactly like you have Emily over him! It has equilibrium about it if nothing else and we wouldn't have to explain the situation to someone new. You should also remember he is older than Emily; that didn't do too much for my self-esteem I can tell you!"

"Do you think he is interested in you that way?"

"Yes I think he would be if I made myself available, he certainly gave me that impression. We joked about having some revenge sex; you broke up his engagement so it's only fair after all."

"Jesus, how would you even go about it?"

"I've decided to take some leave and come on start of the European tour with you, I'm sure we can find some time to make the arrangements."

"You might decide to run off with him, especially as I've screwed up so badly."

"I won't do that, I'm trying to find a way for us to stay together. Despite everything I still love you, even though you've proven yourself to be a shit husband."

Tessa sighed as she continued, "Sorry that was petty again, it's hard not to attack you. The reality is if we break up, we'd eventually be seeing other people anyway."

"So that's it, you've chosen?"

"Yes or we can split formally and try to start our lives over again. That might be less painful for us all."

"No, I don't want that if there is still a chance for us."

***

Tessa had insisted the three of us meet up before anything happened. Josh turned up looking his best; I was more than aware of his youth and good looks. I would have apologised about Emily if I didn't know what they were planning.

Tessa went through some ground rules and about us all being respectful to each other. She said that they would be discreet and that Josh and I had to see the tour through as she had no intention of being bankrupted.

I blurted out, "How long will this last for?"

"The same duration as you and Emily, 2 months, how often did you see her?"

I hedged it down, "Once a week or so."

Josh spoke up, "It sounded like more, and she was free on all the nights I locked myself away to write songs. You slept with her overnight as well while I was making money for you!"

Tessa nodded, "So in principle once a week for two months, and I'll stay over with Josh on some nights to even things up."

I cringed at that, but tried to rationalise it as just eight times. Although the overnights added to that, still less than me and Emily.

Then Josh surprised us, "Look Tessa I really would like Nathan to feel the pain we're going through but please don't feel like you have to do this."

She looked thoughtful, "No there is a need to do this, but I want to do it as well."

Josh couldn't resist pushing the knife in a little, "That's fine but I want us to have fun as well, this isn't an obligation for you Tessa, and I'm sure Nathan enjoyed himself with Emily."

She smiled back at him, "That's fair and rest assured it's not an obligation, I won't just be going through the motions and have every intention of enjoying it. That is part of what Nathan needs to cope with."

Josh's eyes lit up, "So when can I take you out?"

***

With more money coming we could afford hotels on the tour, so Tessa was able to stay with me. In the first week she agreed to go out with Josh on one of the nights where we weren't travelling and didn't have a gig.

Watching Tessa get ready for her date was excruciating. She made a point of walking around in stockings, suspenders, lingerie and heels. I felt awful knowing she was preparing herself for another man. Her lush full breasts were barely contained by the push up bra.

"I've got the message Tessa, you're going all out, there's no need to rub my nose in it."

"Actually I think I do need to rub it in a bit, so you feel the full weight of this. And I'm not going to shy away from it, but point taken, I'll tone it down."

She looked stunning but I couldn't bring myself to say so. She slipped on a leather pencil skirt and black semi-transparent top which left a lot of her bra on show. Perfume and jewellery finished the preparations. Just then there was a knock on the room door, Josh had arrived for this date!

I was surprised at how well he'd scrubbed up in his classy suit and open shirt, nowhere near his normal grungy t-shirt and jeans. They were clearly eying each other up.

"Hey Tessa, you look absolutely gorgeous. I don't know how any man could cheat on a lady like you!"

She gently chided him, "Now, now Josh play nice, this isn't easy for Nathan but thank you for the compliment, you look very handsome yourself."

He looked at me, "Sorry Nathan it's just hard to forget you fucked my fiancée."

That comment curtailed my response. They seemed in no hurry to leave and flirted with each other, I assumed for my benefit.

Tessa turned to me, "Now Hun, I'll be back before midnight. I thought about having a few dates before getting to the deed, but this isn't a romance."

With that she kissed me on the cheek and took Josh's hand to leave, "Shall we go?

Josh looked like he'd won the lottery, "I'd love to."

Despite myself, I watched from behind the hotel window as Josh opened the taxi door for Tessa. I saw him look at her long nylon covered legs as she swung into the car and wondered if the hem of her skirt riding up was on accident or purpose.

If her intention was to cause me as much angst as possible, it certainly worked. Time seemed to stand still, the room was so silent, her discarded clothes on the floor. I looked at the clock, five past seven.

I tried to keep myself busy, it was useless. I checked the clock again, eleven minutes past seven; it wasn't possible for time to travel so slowly! This was going to be an eternally long night. What was Einstein's theory of relativity, could time travel more slowly relative to the agony involved? Jesus I was losing it, my mind was jumping erratically all over the place.

I just couldn't settle, I tried watching a film, it finished but I couldn't have told you what it was called and what it was about. I was too busy imagining them having dinner, talking and laughing.

By 9pm I was sick with worry; I hated doing it but eventually sent a text asking if she was ok. Her reply was short like she didn't appreciate being interrupted, "Yes all good."

I tried playing my guitar, using headphones to lock myself into a cocoon. It wasn't even 10pm, were they in the throes of passion yet? She was probably just along the corridor with him in his room! There was no way they would do it just once, she'd made it clear she would enjoy herself and Josh had his own revenge to gain.

Several beers and sleeping tablets didn't help at all, the evening and the agony dragged on. I thought I might be going insane and had to get out. Rushing out of the room and moving along the corridor past Josh's room, only to hear the unmistakable moans of my wife. Tessa was a passionate women and she'd always enjoyed sex, she was a vigorous and enthusiastic partner.

Shit, I resisted the urge to barge in and instead staggered out of the hotel with no intent or idea of where I was going. I was an emotional wreck, fighting the images of Josh and Tessa... of him fucking her and her loving it!

I ended up down by the river, taking deep breaths to try and calm myself, at least it was tranquil. Tessa had been right, I didn't have a clue how utterly shattering infidelity felt. Had she thought about me at all? I doubted it, but maybe, maybe she'd come back early knowing the agony she was putting me through. That gave me the impetus to return to the hotel, at least Josh's room was silent as I passed, I hoped that meant she was back in our room.

The room was just as I left it, with no sign of Tessa. I checked my phone, quarter to 12, there were no messages or calls from her.

She didn't come back at midnight, I called and got her voice mail, so messaged instead, 'Do you have any intentions of coming back?"

At half past 12, I was banging on Josh's hotel door. He answered it in a robe looking annoyed until he saw my face, then he looked worried.

I could see Tessa in the bed behind him, covering herself with a sheet and looking equally concerned. Her hair was ruffled and her lipstick all but gone.

"You need to stay calm Nathan; I've already said I will be staying with Josh on some nights.

"No, you said you'd be back by midnight!"

She hesitated biting her lip nervously before replying, "You're right, Josh it's OK, I should go back now."

He didn't look happy but nodded agreement.

She stood up and quickly and stepped into her skirt; I noticed she still had her stockings on. She slid her top on and picked up her heels and purse, then she paused before bending over to retrieve her bra and panties from the floor, fuck!

As she passed him she quietly said, "Thanks for a lovely night Josh."

With that final insult I stormed out, she followed into our room moments later, using her arms to cover her breasts in the transparent top.

She looked at me, "There was no need to barge in like that. I'm sorry, I lost track of the time and then I thought you might have been asleep."

"Hardly and you ignored your phone!"

She checked it, seeing the missed calls and the text asking if she was coming back and cringed slightly. "Sorry, I didn't see them, we were... busy!"

I was furious with her! She dropped her heels, purse and underwear, standing there in the skirt with her breasts clearly visible through the top, Christ she looked hot!

I had an urge to reclaim her, to fuck her. She saw that in my eyes, "We can... make love if you want that, you're still my husband."

Overriding the urge I retorted sharply, "I'd suggest you get a shower and wash his stink off you before you come to bed."

She looked upset her eyes filling. Maybe she was the same as me... lost! She went into the bathroom. I used the time to undress and get into bed, facing away from her. She slipped in a little while later, knowing better than to spoon in like she would normally.

***

I was awoken by the rays of sunlight filtering through the blinds, surprised to realise I'd fallen asleep at all, but still feeling more exhausted than at any other time in my life. It wasn't just the physical lack of sleep but the emotional drain.

Just then Tessa came out of the bathroom. I bitterly snapped at her without thinking, "So how was it?"

She looked away nervously, "It was fine."

Well that's about the blandest response possible, I assumed she was trying to be careful and not hurt my feelings and tried to provoke her, "Well let's hear the gory details, was it everything you hoped? Was he younger, fitter, had a massive cock and could keep going?"

"Do you really want to compare notes, should I ask if Emily was better than me, she's certainly younger, pert and prettier."

"Fuck!"

"If it helps Josh was a complete gentleman, Oh I know he was rubbing it in with you a bit before we left but after that he was nice. It wasn't like us; it was sex not making love. It was difficult seeing you like that last night; you didn't really get to see how distraught I was after you cheated."

That took a bit of wind from my sails; she was right, I hadn't had to see her in the state I was the previous night, still I pushed that aside, "Oh I just bet he was bloody prince charming."

"Actually he was, we went to a place in town, it had a nice lively atmosphere. He was good company through dinner and offered me another opt out, saying we could just pretend to sleep together. Then he insisted I had no obligation to him and that he took nothing for granted; and that we could just have a nice evening of dining and dancing. I thought that was a lovely thing to say."

"But you didn't feel like taking him up on that offer?"

"No, I didn't, I wanted to go through with what we had agreed."

She hesitated then, "How was your night?"

"As bad as I'm sure you hoped it was!"

She nodded, "A feeling of being lost, wondering what you've done wrong, questions and thoughts crowding in on your mind making you feel constantly sick. Anger, hurt, then sadness and feeling lost again?"

That was a pretty accurate summary, it reminded me that I'd put her through the same things, "Yeah all of that and then some!"

"Despite what you think of my actions last night, I'm still feeling all of those things as well when I think about you with her, and I got no warning about your betrayal."

"Do you think the warning makes it any better?

"No I suppose not, but you need to feel the pain from the other side. When you were apologising, did you have any idea what it felt like for me?"

"No, I didn't realise it could be this bad. So are you seeing him again?"

Her reply felt brutally short, "Yes."

***

I saw Josh at the sound checks for the gig the following day and waited for the sarcastic remarks. He said nothing and we just launched into the music again, much to the relief of the rest of the band.

Later we were left together, "You know Tessa is really special, you were crazy for messing around on her."

"Yeah I know that and I am sorry about you and Emily, but you had better treat her with respect or it will all end in a hurry and you won't sucker punch me next time."

He shrugged, "Maybe Emily wasn't the right one after all, far too immature. Tessa is broadening my horizons; I'll give her my very best efforts."

The smarmy little prick, I almost swung for him!

The gigs after that went reasonably smoothly, I barely spoke to Josh but otherwise we managed the shows well enough. I certainly wasn't enjoying it but we tolerated each other. I didn't socialise with any of them, focusing on just trying to get through things.

I was spending most of my days with Tessa; at times it was like how we used to be. At other times she felt remote and my life felt off-kilter.

I hinted at getting Josh out of the band, but there was no chance. Everyone knew he was the main talent and song writer; we had nothing if he wasn't writing.

The tour manager made his feelings clear, "You're lucky to still be in the band given what you did, but we can easily change that if you're not happy!"

***

If anything the second date felt even worse! At least Tessa didn't flaunt getting ready in front of me this time. But she had been laughing when making their arrangements. I heard her say, 'No we certainly can't skip dinner.' It was obvious Josh wanted to get into her knickers as quickly as possible.

Josh coming into our room to pick her up started with an awkward moment as he arrived and went to kiss Tessa; she managed to turn so he caught her cheek.

I glowered at him, "This isn't a fucking romance and she is still my wife!!"

"Yeah man cool, it's hard not to get carried away with her, she's absolutely amazing. I really can't thank you enough for allowing me to spend time with her."

"It's not like I have much choice, this is what Tessa demanded! And I'm seeing if I can live with it, but there are no guarantees, absolutely none at all!"

Tessa turned to me, "I've decided to stay over to avoid the problems we had last time. Try not to stay up all night worrying."

With that Tessa ushered him out of the door saying she'd see me tomorrow. If anything the night was worse than the first time, although it felt more like a resigned empty sadness. I wanted to avoid witnessing her return, so went out the next morning. I had no idea what to do, eventually settling for a walk around yet another new town on the tour before finding a café.

She was in our room when I got back and had obviously showered and switched to casual clothes. There was no way I was going to ask how it went again, that would just add to my agony. Likewise she avoided asking how I'd been. I presume she had a pretty good idea.

My feelings had switched from wanting to reclaim her, to not wanting to touch her with a barge pole. That was compounded by the realisation that they probably had sex again that morning. We settled on an uneasy truce, exchanging small sentences about mundane things.

***

She accepted his welcome kiss on the third date. Maybe I was paranoid by now but they seemed to act out in front of me, flaunting their relationship. As they were getting ready to leave. Josh pulled Tessa close and kissed her!"

I'd had enough, "Do that again in front of me and you'll regret it."

Josh tried to brush it off, "Relax Nathan, it's nothing compared to what we'll be doing later."

Tessa spotted my anger building, "That's enough Josh, this isn't part of our agreement and you agreed not to be a dick about it."

She turned to me, "Remember you agreed to this as well!"

"Yeah well it was a stupid idea and I am reaching the end of my patience."

She hesitated before guiding Josh out of the door. Were they trying to rub it in or was it natural for them now. Either way it pissed me off. I wasn't sure I deal with this shit for another 5 weeks.

***

We attended a party thrown by the tour company. Tessa came with me, she looked gorgeous in a form fitting deep purple dress, she filled it out in all the right places and it suited the hair up style she'd chosen. As the night continued she spent more and more time with Josh laughing and joking, other people were looking at me wondering what was going on. So much for being discreet!

I was angry but didn't want to call them out in front of everyone. I smiled casually leading Tessa to a quiet spot, "Is this part of your vengeance, trying to humiliate me?"

She looked unsure of herself, "No, not really, but I don't like the idea they all know about you and Emily and think I'm a weak wife who forgave you."

"You said you'd be discreet, if you can do that this ends now!"

She let out a long breath, "I suppose you are right, OK I will cool things down with Josh."

I took my own calming breath before returning to the party intending to show my face for the minimum time possible before leaving, only to be approached by Josh."

"Is Tessa ok?"

"My wife is fine thanks, and I'd appreciate you keeping your distance from her, at least in public. I hate this arrangement and you're really pushing your luck."

He recovered and smiled amiably, "That's fine then; I'll wait until our next date!"

***

Josh was already warming up when I arrived at the venue and picked up my guitar from the sound guy. I knew it was Fleetwood Mac he was playing but I didn't place the track until he began the vocal.

"Sweet, wonderful you. You make me happy with the things you do.

Oh, can it be so? This feeling follows me wherever I go.

I never did believe in miracles. But I've a feeling it's time to try.

I never did believe in the ways of magic. But I'm beginning to wonder why.

You, you make loving fun (It's all I want to do)."

I stormed across the stage, "You cocky little shit!"

Josh smirked at me, "Calm down it's just a warm up tune, I don't know why it came into my mind."

This time it was me who threw the first punch, shortly followed by us both rolling around on stage wrapped in cables, guitars and straps. We were eventually dragged apart by the crew.

He kept shouting, "I fucked her until she couldn't walk and I love waking up to her blow jobs. She's always ready to go again; we weren't fucking in a tour bus like you two sad losers."

I managed to break free and land a final punch onto his jaw, that made a strange sound.

Three of the guys were still pinning me down when the ambulance arrived for him. They let me go and I returned to my hotel room. Tessa was already waiting for me, she'd clearly been crying,

I looked at her, "It's over, Josh decided to rub your affair in my face and I took exception to it."

"I already heard, your manager called, he was ranting and apoplectic. He said that you're a moron, you broke Josh's jaw and that's the tour finished!"

"It's just as well, it was never going to work seeing him all of the time and with him rubbing it in."

"If it's any consolation I texted Josh and told him he was an idiot and said that it was over."

I shrugged at that thinking it didn't matter much, "I know its hypocrisy but I can't live with what you have done. I need to get away, this is driving me crazy."

"Yeah I figured that!"

"So why do it, we could have just divorced?"

"Because we had to end and you had to accept it. You never thought you'd done anything that was too wrong. We would have argued for months, with you apologising but not being able to understand let alone repair the damage you'd done. And if I'm honest I did want some revenge, what you did to me was just so unfair and it hurt so much."

"So you never thought we'd make it?"

"No not really, two cheaters I mean what chance is there? If we had stayed together without any repercussions, you would've done it again."

I took a deep breath hoping that wasn't true of me, "I'm sorry for starting it all, I didn't realise just how much it hurt to have someone you love betray you. I get that now, you were right not to forgive me!"

She seemed to deflate, the anger leaving her body, "I'm sorry as well, I didn't mean for it to go as far as it did, but I couldn't get over what you had done; and then Josh was good fun and to my surprise I enjoyed it. It's not how I thought this would go! I didn't intend destroying everything. I thought Josh was being ok about it, he didn't mean anything to me, not really."

I heard the echo of my own words in hers, but it didn't hurt any less and it didn't change anything.

Tessa put the final nail in the coffin, "Maybe this will help in your next relationship, I do hope you find that Nathan."

***

With Josh's jaw broken that was the end of the tour and the band. The management team never did pursue us for money; we managed to break even with the tour and album.

Six months later I was playing and singing solo in a local pub, they generally paid me a few hundred quid. The main thing was enjoying music again after not touching a guitar for months.

Then I saw her, in honesty she was hard to miss, in a shimmering white satin dress that clung to her figure, damn she still looked mesmerising.

She approached during the break, "You look and sound good up there Nathan."

"Yeah just like old times. I signed the divorce paperwork before I left Tessa, they all looked reasonable to me."

"Yeah I know, I haven't actually filed the paperwork though, so I'm afraid you're still married for now."

There was a long silence between us before I half mumbled, "There is no rush on my account."

"Thanks Nathan, I'm not in any rush either. I did like being married to you after all!"

"Yeah I guess it's not the worst news in the world."

She looked surprised, "Really, you can't mean that after what I did!"

"Yeah well I started it so I'm hardly innocent and I..." I hesitated and cleared my throat, "I kind of miss you."

"I miss you too Nathan, a lot actually. I saw that you were on and found myself really wanting to see and speak to you again."

"It's great to see you too, it would be good to try and forgive each other if nothing else."

"I don't know Nathan it feels like we burned too many bridges and hurt each other too much to recover from it all."

"The thing is I never stopped loving you Tessa!"

Her eyes widened and looked full of tears, "Me neither, are you serious about forgiving each other? Could we go back to how it was before all of this started?"

"I've missed you, more than I thought possible. I don't think we can go back; we'd need to be better than we were, protect and look out for each other above everything else. I know I didn't do that in the past."

"I am sorry about Josh, it was a stupid idea."

"Do you ever hear from him?"

"He called a few times to see if we could get back together."

Tessa must have seen the reaction I trying to hide, "That was never going to happen."

She stayed and danced in front of me for the second part of my set, it was hard to take my eyes off her. After we drank into the early hours, catching up on our lives before going back to our old flat.

We made love, it was slow and intense. As it was building Tessa looked into my eyes and never broke contact until we had completed. I was immersed in the emotion in her face which I held in my hands. The most intense sensations stemmed from our continued deep and passionate kissing.

I gently withdrew and pulled her into a hug, my arms wrapping around her enjoying the softness of her body.

We slowly moved back into a relationship, trying not to make too much of a thing about it in case it all came crashing down again.

Initially we were overly careful about each other's feelings and 'tip toed' around things. I thought we had a chance after our first argument. It wasn't about anything important but when she shouted at me I found myself smiling back at her.

She frowned still trying to be cross with me, "What you idiot?"

I laughed, "There she is, the girl I met all those years ago."

It would be a long road to redemption but we'd made a start! I felt as though a missing piece of my life had been put back in place, Tessa swore the exact same thing. We were both determined to take better care of each other this time.