The Cocksucker Road I Seem To Be On

Damn, Damn, Damn, I can feel myself slipping, further and further, or maybe I should say, closer and closer to being, A Cocksucker!

I (Sammm) have been sharing my journey into this most distressing, and yet so exciting aspect of my life. Distressing because of what that word represents. The Word? COCKSUCKER! I think that Yes, I may indeed be a COCKSUCKER. I sure as fuck know I want to be.

First, a little backstory. I was forced to suck a cock at a very young tender age and it seemed to put a look on my face that predator's can see and recognize. So it happened three more times as I grew up. But I repressed all three of those traumas deep in my mind. I knew nothing of my past encounters until at age 40ish I found a therapist who did this therapy called breath work. It was a meditation type thing where I laid quietly and focused on breathing, slowly, measured, in and out, in and out.

After six or so sessions the first horror emerged.

I always knew something was really fucked up in my head and as soon as I became of age I sought out therapy. But like therapy is, it's mostly smoke and mirrors. They don't know what the fuck was wrong with me any more than I did.

Finally after about 20 years I knew what made me who and like I was. And since that time I have fought that urge. I sought out that very urge but always kept it at bay taking it right to the edge even sucking cocks with condoms only.

And then the story I have already written about where I was in a sauna, a fucking public sauna.

I walked in and there was only one guy and he looked at me hard. It made me uncomfortable and nervous so I looked away as he fumbled around with his towel. This went on for about five minutes until he started trying to look under my towel as his towel moved slowly up and down with the one hand that was now under his towel.

He was studying me closely and when he saw me look he opened his towel and showed me his hard cock being stroked by his hand.

By now, "The jig was up", as they say. My legs had opened and I was looking at his cock. As soon as my hand went to my cock he looked up at me, smiled and said, "Wanna touch it?" And before I even fucking realized it, my head nodded.

Now this sauna had two levels. One where you sat and your feet were on the floor and a higher lever where your feet were up on the first levels seat. He stood up, stepped up on the higher level and walk over to me, his towel covering his ass and his hands holding it open in the front.

As soon as he was close enough I reached out and wrapped my hand around another man's cock. I held his cock ever so briefly and then pumped it about three or four times, and then it was like it was out of my control and before I knew it my mouth opened and I took that fucking cock deep into my mouth as it would go, to the point that his pubes were in my nose. I held it there for a second and then sucked as hard as I could. I started moving him in and out just being the cocksucker that I now as. After about five times I realized what the fuck I was doing and pulled off in horror. I was sucking this guys cock in a public sauna where anyone could come in at any second. I sat straight up and pulled away from him.

He stood there a second and then said, "Damn, you know exactly how a man likes it sucked. Suck it more." I looked at the glass door and saw that no one was coming and dove back onto that cock pumping and sucking like a madman. After another few seconds, I have no idea how many, many 10 or 15 I came once again to my senses, pulled off, stood up and walked out the door. At that second the only thing I knew was that I was a cocksucker, not who I was, or anything except that I had to get the fuck out of there.

I quickly went to a shower stall, pulled the curtain, turned the water on and at a hard stream and let it wash my mouth out for about two straight minutes. I don't know why, I had already sucked anything and everything I could deep into my throat just like I would have if he had cum.

I came out of the shower to see him looking for and then at me. I turned quickly away, went to my locker and in two minutes was dressed and walking away as quick as I could.

That night, long after my wife was sleeping I laid there thinking about it. I started caressing and then stroking myself as I remembered it all. I had a bare cock right in my mouth and was sucking it like a baby on a bottle. It was right then that I realized what happened. Those other 10 or so cocks I had sucked with a condom where my tongue could actually feel the load of cum on the inside or that condom, That was NOTHING, absolutely NOTHING compared to that 20 or so seconds of that bare cock in my mouth, feeling that cockhead in my fucking cock sucking mouth sucking that head like the cocksucker I now was.

I blew my load all over myself right next to my sleeping wife thinking about that.

I now knew what I wanted. I wanted it all. I wanted to swallow another man's load.

I started going to a beach where gays hang out. I went about four times looking for what I wanted. A young buck who had loads of cum.

Two days ago I saw a guy and followed him. He wasn't young but fuck it. As we got into the woods he pulled his cock out. I walked closer as I took mine out. As I got close enough we both grabbed the others cock. We pumped each other up to full hard cocks. I looked at his cock closely. It was about the same length as mine but bigger around.

All at once I said, "Fuck it", and dropped to my knees. As my mouth opened and I moved in to take it he pulled away and said, "No".

I got up and walked away. That was the end of that encounter but I knew, and I know, I fucking went down on my knees and was ready to suck a bare cock and have him explode in my mouth as I swallowed his seed.

And now as I sit here typing this my cock is hard and I have to go jack off thinking about, What's next? Do I fight this urge? Or say fuck it?

And all I know for sure is what will happen if I have another man's cock in my hand.