Chastity Trials Ch. 05

To her simultaneous relief and annoyance, it really was easier to ignore all the extra attention than April first expected.

By the second week of class, despite all the heartache and bodily temptation that had consumed her, she more or less had a handle on how the college boys at DeVaughn would approach her. Each day it was someone new: an overly sheepish nerd, an overly nice upperclassman, an overly forward jock. Every guy who sought her filled out an archetype so well she felt she'd wandered straight into a romcom, and frankly, she wished she'd realized how obvious they all were sooner. She was more or less able to tune them all out now that she did, and focusing on classes came much easier as a result. Not that the classes themselves were easy. No, those were as arduous as the rumors foretold.

Unfortunately, there were three males who were not so simple to fend off: the three who, of course, she'd met when she was blissfully unaware of this place's salacious intentions. Thanks to that, they'd wormed into her life in ways she couldn't avoid, and she had to concoct methods to keep them all at arm's length.

The easiest of them was Dominik, the last to slip by her defenses before she put up her mental defenses. Every morning after every weekday, after putting up with his piercing stare for two hours of Architecture 101 -- she'd gotten good at it -- he would always, without fail, follow her back to her dorm and try to work whatever he considered "charm." Given they lived just one floor from each other, there was little she could do to stop him. He had the perfect alibi in case she ever came forward to accuse him.

"I thought you might want to, eh, study together," he said, voice thick with Hungarian accent. He did it on purpose, probably thinking she'd find it hot. In class, when he let himself slip, his voice was quite indistinguishable from everyone else's.

"No thanks. I'm already in a study group."

"Well, why not trade notes one night? I am sure there is a lot I can teach you."

"No, Dominik. Stop bothering me."

She slipped past her door and slammed it shut before he could embarrass himself further, twisting the deadbolt for good measure. Be direct, and be persistent. That was the only way with Dominik. There was no need to be nice, for he didn't really care for such things. That was also why he was so easy.

Well, easy save for one tiny, little thing: the noises he and his girlfriend made every night. Each time she saw him was marred by the memories of those raw, disgusting sounds, of the filthy things his partner screamed out for all of Langley to hear. That she'd actually touched herself because of them made her stomach flip in hindsight. Thus, April couldn't help but blush when he advanced, something he no doubt noticed and quite wrongly took as actual interest.

The other two weren't so straightforward, and worse, they found ways to squeeze into more areas of her life that were somehow even more intimate. She saw Adan, for instance, every Sunday after church. Though he hadn't done another sermon since that first meeting, they always had a heated discussion about the day's gospel. She knew she shouldn't have indulged him this way. He tried to remain as respectful to her as possible, but his eyes gave away his attraction without fail. She didn't want to give him the wrong idea and let their discussions stray into dangerous territory.

Sadly, his resemblance to Jacob was impossible to ignore, and the fact that he was so willing to talk about their faith ultimately outweighed any worries of things going too far. She convinced herself she could keep topics like sex out of their repertoire, and indeed, as long as she didn't think of it, their talks remained entertaining, and she quickly considered him a friend. Even so, what Lily said always stuck in her mind when he was around. Just because he was nice didn't mean he wasn't a threat.

Then, there was Raleigh.

How could April describe Raleigh? In some ways, he was just as simple to deal with as Dominik, at least in theory. In practice, though, it never turned out that way. He was so nice and forward that his intentions were clear as day, but she found herself unable to cut him out of her life actively like she did Dominik. He'd done her a favor with the headphones, and while he hardly hid his ulterior motive, he was never gross about it. He texted her at least thrice every day now, each a message of pure encouragement in the face of the challenges that awaited her. She rarely responded, but that didn't stop him. She didn't know where he got the persistence from.

Of the three troublesome new men, Raleigh was the one she just couldn't pin down. He shouldn't have even been a problem in the first place. He wasn't in her academic department like Dominik, and he certainly didn't share any religious background with her like Adan. Nevertheless, being the curveball he was, he took up more space in her mind than either of them despite how little they'd actually seen each other since before classes began. She couldn't help but think of him whenever it was time to tune out Dominik above with the headphones -- a silent thanks every night, simple yet pronounced. She read all his texts, too. Better that than to let the notifications sit even more in her head whenever she saw them.

The Friday night of her second school week arrived as obnoxiously as any other. Once again, she assumed her defensive position: tucked in tightly under her covers, headphones secured to each ear as her neighbors and roommate got right to work. She was more disappointed than anything in Lily at this point. Evidently, all the church visits at the end of the week did was give the girl an excuse to continue her sinful behavior. April knew she had no more right to judge than she did before, but she at least thought Lily would try to repent like she was.

She shifted slightly under the sheets, allowing herself to hold her phone with one hand one more time before putting it away for the rest of the night. As always, she read over the messages she and her boyfriend had shared over the week, smiling at every single one while failing to ignore the heat in her groin that followed. Sometimes, the defensive position still worked. Lately, not as much.

As her hand wandered, she let herself make excuses. She and Jacob hadn't been calling as much as she'd hoped, but their texting hadn't slowed at all in spite of the spat they'd had the other day. Classes had taken up so much more time than even April could've expected. That was really all.

Still, the longer she looked at the screen, the more her smile faded.

The trials of mind, body, and soul. Those were the challenges God had put before her. And even if they weren't perfect, she had methods to deal with all three.

She had no idea how to tell Jacob about them -- if she even could.

===

April and Lily settled into their seats at the cafe across the food court like they'd been going there their whole lives. It hadn't taken long for them to become regulars here; after all, this place was one of the most popular refuges for girls seeking alone time from the constant pursuit from the other sex. It wasn't that guys weren't allowed in, per se, just that the gender divide was so obvious it hung thick in the air as soon as you passed through the door.

April couldn't believe it had taken her so long to feel it.

"Gah, structural engineering is killing me already..." she groaned, falling forward on the table. Lily sighed sympathetically.

"I get what you mean. It's only the end of the second week, and I feel like I'm already running on fumes..." She took a sip of her coffee -- it was a miracle she could be so quiet after so much sugar -- and went on. She didn't seem bothered by breaking the taboo against hot drinks, either. "I wish break would come sooner."

"I haven't had time to do much of anything. I can't even walk around without some guy coming up to me and making trouble. I'm such an idiot for not looking into that more..." April sat up, downing the rest of her cold, unsweetened tea. She hated the stuff more than anything, and that was why she drank it. It helped keep her head on straight more than the sweet variety.

In truth, she was exaggerating her plight more than a bit. She didn't actually pay much mind to any unwanted suitors aside from the three who'd been troubling her from the beginning. Still, while she nowhere near regretted her decision to come here -- to do so would be blasphemy against the Heavenly Father in itself -- it was more than a little humiliating to realize how easily she'd gotten herself into this situation. Had she chosen to go to BYU like every other regular Latter Day Saint, she'd still be with Jacob, and she wouldn't have had to deal with this bizarre culture to begin with.

That was never an option, of course. Her dream wasn't one that could come so easily. She needed to prove herself worthy of building the very embodiments of heaven on Earth. If she couldn't get through this, what was the point?

"I don't think I'd be able to last at all if it wasn't for church," Lily muttered. April sighed inwardly, both disappointed and pleased with herself that last night's suspicion had been correct. "What about you? Have you seen any of the other girls lately?"

"Haha, no..." her weak laughter faded quickly. In the chaos that was the start of college, she'd spent so much time balancing classes with her stress over men that her efforts to make connections had slipped considerably. She hadn't gone to the cafe with her new church friends since before the semester started, and making it to her department study group with Mary was a monumental task. She even felt like she was coasting by in debate club. She never used to coast when it came to arguments.

Frankly, she envied Lily. She hadn't seemed the type to adapt so quickly to such a perverse place without even a shred of guilt. In her current mood, she couldn't hold back the topic any longer.

"How do you do it, Lily?" she said, straightening up in her seat. "Get through church, I mean."

Lily tilted her head. "I'm not sure I get you...?"

"Well, uh, you remember what Adan talked about in his sermon a few weeks back. And the reputation you told me about..." April wanted to bury herself as she beat around the bush. This wasn't normally how she talked. "I've just been wondering how you... I don't know. Live with yourself?"

Her hands practically flew to her mouth, but they were too late. Lily's face had already gone beet red, realizing exactly what she was alluding to.

Oh, yeah. Just ask her why she touches herself every night, why don't you? April's conscience scolded. Given her current location, she quickly had a blush to match her roommate's as she immediately ran damage control in a hushed, frantic mutter. The cafe around them bustled on none the wiser. "I'm so sorry...! You don't have to answer that...!"

By the time she finished her sentence, Lily had calmed herself. Despite the undeniably rude question, the girl just smiled kindly, only a trace of pink remaining on her cheeks. "No. No, it's alright. I was worried you might've, uh... heard me before... We should probably talk about it... I thought you might hate me since we always avoid it..."

"I couldn't hate you, Lily." The words came out ashamed, almost pitiful. Now that the bandaid had finally been ripped off, her roommate was clearly the more mature one here.

"To be honest, it does bother me a bit," she began. "I don't know how to explain. I've never had a boyfriend, and I've never been confident about that kind of thing... I kinda lock up with most people. And I can't ignore our neighbors upstairs. So, um... I just end up... dealing with my feelings by myself." Her smile broke, and she covered her face. "I'm sorry! I know it's bad! I j-just... I don't know what I'd do without church. I'm already so guilty as is. I don't normally talk about this with anyone, and I like to think the Heavenly Father understands my struggle..."

"It's okay, Lily! You don't have to keep talking about it! I shouldn't have asked something so personal here!" April insisted as the girl's eyes welled up with tears. Thankfully, she was able to stop them before the girl started making a scene in a place like this, though she still felt guilty about bringing her to this point. She'd been selfish to think this girl didn't struggle with her temptations just as she did.

"I'm sorry, too," she sighed. "Things have been hard lately. Classes. Boys. Sleep."

Lily's blush deepened in shame. April just giggled it off.

"... But I don't know. I've just never been in this situation before. I was only wondering if there was actually any way to make it easier."

Her phone buzzed. She looked as she always did, hoping it was from Jacob. Instead, it was Raleigh. She should've known.

[Wanna get lunch sometime this weekend?]

She pursed her lips and banished her phone back to her purse, where it would stay for the remainder of the date. Lily caught the exchange with a raised eyebrow, taking the chance to avert the subject. "How are things with... Um, you know, your, uh..."

"Jacob?"

"Mhm!" She perked up in her seat as though she'd been caught.

"Nothing's all that different between us. The guys here have something else coming if they think they can just break what we have in a single semester."

Lily looked down sadly, not quite hiding her jealousy. "That's wonderful... To have such a strong relationship right off the bat..."

"Oh, come on now. It's not all good, I'll have you know," April said. "I don't think I've ever missed someone so much. I hate that he's not here. It's not his fault, but it would be nice if I could just show all these morons they're wasting their time."

The two shared a laugh as they kept working at their drinks, but deep down, April lingered on the sentiment. If he'd taken school a little more seriously sooner, if he'd kept up with his studies as much as her...

No. All that was in the past now.

After the silence grew between her and her roommate got a little too heavily, Lily spoke up sheepishly, trying to regain her composure.

"Hey."

"What's up?"

"So, I went to lunch with Sadie and the others a few days back... They actually live in Langley too, believe it or not. Apparently, a fraternity is running a party for new Langley residents next Saturday."

April squinted, immediately suspicious. A frat house inviting freshman girls for "fun" was already on the nose, but throwing a party for people not even in the same living area? How obvious could they get?

Even so, she refrained from commenting. "What about it...?"

"Well, I've been invited. And... I was wondering if you might come with me." Before April could express her clear disapproval, Lily stopped her with an open palm. "I know it's shady. Even I'm not that naive... but I've been trying to get out more, and I feel like if I met someone special like you did, life might be easier. I might not struggle as much. I don't want to go alone, though."

"Lily, did you hear what I just said? Having a boyfriend won't fix all your problems."

"I know! But... I'm sorry. I just wanted to run it by you..." she sulked, deflating immediately. "It's okay if you don't want to go."

April wanted to groan. This girl was a master of puppy dog eyes, especially with those glasses of hers. It was a crime someone so cute, nerdy, and innocent-looking had to grapple with lustful thoughts. That said, her condition clearly wasn't getting any better. Perhaps she did need to see how disgusting men were to calm down a little. April wouldn't actually let anything happen to her, of course. She'd be with her the whole time, and given she was already experienced enough in turning down unwanted attention...

"I'll think about it," she caved. "But you gotta start keeping quiet at night if I go."

===

They arrived at Delta Veta far earlier than April wanted or intended. The house was rather unassuming compared to the rest of the campus -- so unassuming she'd passed by it countless times on her way to class without even realizing how close it really was to her own dorm. It was a headache, really. Since Lily wanted to be at the party right on time to meet the others, there was no convincing excuse for April to be late.

Now that she stood at the doorstep, however, Lily was practically trembling.

"This was your idea," April sighed.

"Yeah, yeah. Just... keep close, okay?"

"I will. And remember: don't accept any drinks. From anyone."

"God, April...! Do I look like that kind of idiot...?" Lily's cheeks were so red from embarrassment that April thought she might burn up on the spot. It didn't make her show any mercy.

"Don't use the Lord's name in vain, Lily. And... well, you've never been to one of these."

Nor have you, her conscience reminded her. She suppressed a shiver, maintaining her poker face through the bloody war going on just beneath her skin. It was only a minute past the supposed start of the party, and already she could hear the thump of music beyond the walls, not to mention the occasional muffled wail of a small crowd. They'd wasted no time. Perhaps they'd even started early. Just standing at the door listening was enough to make April question her existence, let alone the thought of who else might be attending. What would her parents think seeing her now, let alone the Heavenly Father?

The thought had crossed her mind many times by now. That was exactly why, last Sunday, she wasted no time breaching the subject with Adan after church.

"A party?" he'd said to her dilemma, holding his hand up to his chin as he always did when he was in deep thought. "Hmm... You might've gathered as much already, but I went to my fair share last year when I started slipping. They're fun, I'll give them that. Met some friends. Some I even converted. But you know all those warnings we rolled our eyes at as kids? The things the grown-ups said about them? They're true. Think of every temptation you can think of, and college parties'll be full of them. Drugs, alcohol... bodily sin. The whole lot. It's really pretty simple..."

April turned away slightly to hide her blush at the mention of sex, a motion which had unintentionally become quite common between them. Only when she was sure she was in the clear did she turn back. "I know all that already, Adan. But I have to go. I'd be throwing my friend to the wolves if I didn't."

"Is it alright if I ask why she asked you to come with her?"

"The dummy wants a boyfriend. Somehow, this was what she came up with. At least, some of her new friends did..." She found herself quite angry all of a sudden as she confessed. She'd been so sure that the church friend group wouldn't be that kind of crowd without really getting to know them, and now, Lily was paying the price.

"Well... I can't really say she's wrong in all fairness. It wouldn't be hard for most girls who go into Delta Veta to come out with a guy, at least for the night."

April wasn't able to conceal her blush that time. Adan didn't seem to notice.

"But you're right to tag along. You're just looking out for a friend," he continued. "Besides, you're faithful, and you've got conviction. I've talked to you enough to know that. You won't let anything happen."

He cracked a small, understanding grin, and April's heart leapt in spite of itself. Her stupid mind, as always, recalled Jacob at the sight. That grin had saved her so many times. It encouraged her, nourished her, made her believe in herself against all odds. It had no business being on anyone else, especially someone who shared his likeness.

So, she went despite all the constant warnings of her conscience. She didn't tell her boyfriend about it, of course. Although his doppelganger approved of her decision, she had no doubt the actual man would quickly take issue.

Before she or Lily could doubt themselves any further, the front door swung open without either of them having knocked. A plain-looking frat boy in a polo awaited them at the other end, somehow having sensed their presence. The thumping music and noise of the crowd escaped the door after him.

"Welcome, ladies!" he exclaimed. His smile was wide and welcoming but also vacant, cheeks flushed with inebriation. April and Lily shared a short glance of unease but ultimately still followed him in.

April's brow furrowed as the indoor atmosphere hit her all at once. The very air was a cocktail of mismatched perfumes and colognes, an awkward mingling of the sexes, tinged with the tang of sweat and something... medicinal. Like hand sanitizer marred with cinnamon. She could only guess that it was the alcohol, but it was too unfamiliar for her to tell. She turned to Lily to gauge her reaction, but against all odds, the girl now seemed much more unbothered than she was, though still visibly nervous.

The frat house was big but not nearly big enough for an event like this. The living room and hallways were already crammed with carefree partygoers before they reached the basement, but once they were there, April could hardly think straight. The music no longer thumped, but boomed through her entire body, and the crowd roared incomprehensibly. A disco ball hanging from the ceiling, shoddy and missing a few panels, cast an uneven, spinning grid across the whole room, making it impossible to focus on one person at a time. Some danced, and even more yelled. Those outside the middle played pool and beer pong, screaming wildly whether they missed or not.

Whatever they were doing, however, they all had one thing in common: a drink in one hand at all times.

The frat boy leading them got siphoned off at some point after realizing neither she nor Lily were interested in his antics, leaving them to fend for themselves in the center of the party. No sooner were they alone, however, than did another group of girls cut through the crowd to meet them. Lily's face brightened, but April hardly shared her relief.

"Sadie!" her roommate exclaimed. The leader of the new group, a bubbly-looking, curly-haired redhead, threw her arms out and embraced them both. April reluctantly accepted the hug, trying not to recoil at the smell of alcohol already on her, not to mention the skin contact from her... revealing attire. Never would she have expected this behavior from the demure girl who wore exclusively ankle-length dresses to sacrament.

"You guys! I'm so happy you could make it!" Sadie squealed. "Come on, let's get you outta the middle... it's too early to dance...!"

Despite April's attempt to listen as she followed, the girl's rambling melted into the cacophony of the party, and she ended up just trying to shut all the noise out instead. With her ears out of commission, her eyes frantically searched for something else to focus on, eventually landing on the clothing the girls here wore -- or rather, the clothing they weren't. Sadie and her group were hardly the only ones. All her peers were dressed to seduce. Crop tops and short shorts, high-riding skirts and cocktail dresses -- even Lily had opted for a summer corset that hugged her thin curves a little too tightly.

April glanced down at her own loose-fitting dress self-consciously. She could feel her face burning up and silently thanked God that the flashing lights hid her blush, at least. While she didn't want to attract the attention of any of the men prowling around, she was not in her element at all.

"... April? You okay?"

She jumped. Lily's shouting voice had cut through the noise like a ray of sunlight through an overcast sky. The girl wore a wide smile, clearly having warmed up a bit more to the environment, but her eyes were still lucid enough to show some worry.

"Oh! Uh... yeah! It's just a little crazy, is all!" She had to yell herself to have any hope of being heard. The party had only gotten louder.

"I know, right?" Lily yelled back. She looked expectantly at April along with the rest of the group. "We were about to play beer pong! You want in?"

April's stunned drone was lost to the party, her poker face shattered as her mouth hung agape. Her gaze flicked to another group who had already started. A swaying girl, looking barely cognizant, chucked a ping pong ball in a high arc, aiming for the plastic cups arranged into a triangle at the other end of the table. The surrounding group erupted into cheers as it plopped squarely into one of the back corners, and the girl took a long swig of her drink.

April pursed her lips and looked back at Lily. "I'm fine, I can just watch! I, uh, don't know how to play...!"

Her roommate's face dropped a little in disappointment at the flimsy excuse, but at the beckoning of Sadie, she reluctantly assimilated back into the group. April, likewise, assumed her standard position against the wall, not too far away to lose sight of Lily yet not too close to be dragged into an escalating situation.

It took almost no time at all for Sadie and the others to become indistinguishable from the other tables. With each throw, each hit, each miss, they screamed their cheers so close April's ears whined in protest. Guys sauntered in from the crowd to join different teams, no doubt to try and snag a partner for the night. By the time Lily's first turn came, one had already set his sights on her, shouting in encouragement from just a little too close behind as she squeamishly tossed the ball. It went in, and the deafening cheers were all suddenly for her. Just like that, the rest of the girl's anxiety vanished from her face, and in the excitement, her hand accepted a cup offered from the swarm.

April's eyes widened.

Stop her, her conscience urged. It's what you came here to do.

She didn't move. Rather, she couldn't.

"Come on, take a swig!" Sadie's yell pierced through the chaos with ease. Lily laughed, but as if realizing what position she was in, she glanced around until she found April. Her eyes looked almost pleading as she smiled. She clearly didn't want to ruin the fun. April shook her head in equal parts disbelief and disapproval, praying her thoughts would reach.

They were barely a whisper amidst the chanting crowd. "Drink! Drink! Drink!"

With a look of silent apology, Lily put the rim of the cup up to her lips and turned her head back. The cheers roared to a peak.

Okay, okay. That's a sin, but I'm still here. I won't let this go further than a drink, April rationalized. She didn't notice she was shaking until one of the girls tried offering her a cup of her own, prompting her to practically smack it away. No one tried again after that.

As she kept on trying to watch over her friend, men did approach her, but they were even easier to turn away now that they were drunk. Whatever charm they may have once had -- or thought they had -- was diluted beyond repair by the alcohol. They slurred over speech, walked with uneven cadence, sometimes even stumbling if they had too much. What was worse was that they hardly seemed to notice. They drifted over to her place at the wall, pretending they hadn't seen her while trying to spout out pick up lines practiced well before intoxication. Over time, even these approaches stopped, and the whole party began to properly ignore her as she wished.

It didn't give her much relief.

With not much else to do, she glanced once more at Lily to make sure everything was still in control. The game was over, and the guy trying to court her had thankfully left. She turned to her phone. Her fingers immediately navigated the screen to Jacob's contact.

[I miss u]

It was reflexive, but she meant it. She wanted him to know it. To sense how uncomfortable she was right now. Even so, no matter how long she stared at the other end of their messages, no reply came.

"Hey, April!" Lily's shout pulled her out of her numb focus. In the time that had blurred by, she was already clearly tipsy, completely defenseless to whatever liquor she'd been given. Behind her, the center of the room had grown even more crowded, and the music more deafening. The dance had properly begun. "We're gonna have shots. You want in?"

"Lily..." April's disapproval was absorbed into the noise. Lily heard it anyway.

"Oh, *hic!* come on! It'll be fun!"

April just stared at her friend in equal parts pity and anger. It had taken no time at all for her, a fellow believer, to be absolutely absorbed into this environment. She wanted to grab her by the shoulders and shake some sense back into her, to pull her out of this house and back to safety. They never should've come.

Instead, she said nothing. Amidst the pounding music and screeching crowd, the words just wouldn't come out.

"Suit yourself!" Lily, barely noticing her conflict, slipped back into Sadie's group. The other girls, who'd long since forgotten April was even there, spared her a raised eyebrow but nothing more.

She was a prude. And everyone was starting to know it.

She retreated to the comfort of the wall, continuing to watch her roommate as if she hadn't already failed her task. Only when the girl downed her first shot did April reluctantly break her gaze. The pressure of the crowd was overbearing now -- not because it shunned her, but because it ignored her completely. She, in her plain dress, under these flashing lights, disoriented by the sounds that could not even count as music, hardly belonged. The wall was the only thing that felt familiar here anymore.

Another piercing bout of laughter drew her eyes up. Sadie's group, and Lily along with it, had pulled away to a few beanbags situated around a coffee table nearby. They'd turned some board game, normally innocent, into a drinking game. April traced the wall toward them so as to not lose sight, but the moment she was close enough to sometimes hear Lily's voice over the chaos, her eyes went right back to the carpeted floor, fixating on an ambiguous stain.

Her sigh came out tiredly, uselessly. Perhaps the girl didn't need her here after all. She hadn't even known her for more than three weeks tops. Why was she so adamant about staying and protecting her in the first place?

She checked her phone again. Still nothing. For the first time, as she stared at the loud, empty left side of the screen, she let herself be annoyed.

He should have been here. Because he wasn't, because he hadn't tried as much as her, she was in this mess, finding distractions and filling voids when all she really wanted was to pursue her dream with him. It wasn't fair, but it was true.

With every glance back at Lily, the resentment in her grew little by little. At some point, she decided to stop. She could feel the envy coming on looking at that smile, that laugh, that belonging. None of it was what she dreamed of, but the pressure around her was like nothing she had experienced. Not like the orderly sleepovers and church get-togethers she was used to. No matter how badly the chaos drowned out her thoughts and betrayed her morals, there was no denying that everyone here besides her was having sheer, unrestrained fun.

April didn't want to be wrong. She couldn't stand being wrong.

As she often did in times like this, in times of doubt and turmoil, she closed her eyes and thought back on her teachings. She thought back on the presence which had always soothed her, comforted her, and reminded her what was right. She was no longer the scared little girl she was in elementary school, hidden and at the mercy of that old house. Jacob was the love of her life, but it was God that saved her, his hand that stepped in. And he would step in again now.

...

... She couldn't feel Him.

Her eyes snapped open at the realization. She had no time to process it as she instinctively looked again to the beanbags.

Lily and Sadie's group were gone.

She broke from the wall in an instant, berating herself for wavering, for letting the atmosphere of this place disarm her for even a moment.

"Lily! Lilyyy!"

She couldn't hear her own voice anymore. The lights and noise and partygoers were blending together now, and it took all she had not to become lost in the concoction. The individual had become something twisted and wrong. She held one arm out in front of her at all times to wade through it, forcing herself to ignore whoever she touched. A high-pitched instrument -- a synth, a distortion guitar, a soundboard, she didn't know what -- screamed back at her like a rogue wave, pushing her back a few steps.

The Lord's presence. She couldn't feel it. Not here, as though it were so packed full of sin that not even He would dare look inside. Rotten. Obscene. Dirty.

As she was and would continue to be if she stayed.

She needed to get out.

But the stubborn side of her, the side that still couldn't bear to go back on her promise and leave Lily here, refused and pushed her deeper into the ever intensifying dance. Eventually, somewhere in the middle of the room, she did finally catch a glimpse of the nerdy girl through all the bodies. As the undulating flow pushed and shoved her around, she somehow kept her eyes on Lily, who now stood with another guy. Her smile was hauntingly carefree now, her eyes plagued with the same vacancy that had taken the rest of the room. April couldn't make out the full face of the male, just his plaid button-down T-shirt and matching drunk smile.

She could only watch in that moment as her roommate danced with the newcomer with reckless abandon. They paid no mind to those around them, nor to the sheer nonsense of the music. All that mattered to them was contact. They made their own room, made their own rhythm so long as one part of body was touching another -- hand on hand, leg on leg as they swayed and spun together, drawing nearer and nearer until at last, they pressed lewdly face-to-face. Lily gazed up at her taller partner as he held her close at the waist, and even from a distance, April saw something familiar in the girl's eyes snap -- a spark, a breach of self control, ruinous yet oh so weakening.

Lily's hand, tracing the man's stomach through his white undershirt, drifted down to his waistband.

Before April could even gasp, someone took her wrist from behind.

"Come on, follow me!"

The voice gave her no time to object, yanking her from the scene. She tried to plant her feet down or get a better look at the interloper, but the crowd disguised him. She had no choice but to follow. In what felt like no time, she had been fished out of the sea of people and brought back up the stairs into the first floor. The light of the living room returned, the drumming beat of the dance muffling below like a repressed memory.

Rather than look at her kidnapper or even worry about their intent, April collapsed to an empty chair as her legs gave out. Only then did she realize her whole body was shivering, and she was practically hyperventilating. She brought a hand to her eyes and found, to her disbelief, that a few tears had begun to form without her notice.

"As far as first parties go, I'd say that went pretty well."

She finally looked up to see that the familiar voice did, indeed, belong to Raleigh. He donned the same casual attire as most of the men here, but his button-down and cargo shorts were fitted with more care. He also wasn't holding a red cup like everyone else, and his cheeks weren't flushed.

"What're you doing here?" April spat.

"Don't you remember? I lived in Langley, April."

"Yeah. Last year. This party's for new arrivals, remember?"

"So what? I still got an invite. Some of my friends are here, you know. I'm talking to one right now."

She rolled her eyes but couldn't save herself from a weak smile. "Uh... thanks. I couldn't... well, couldn't anything in there."

"No problem. We've all been there."

She felt her chest rise with a reply but paused when she found nothing to say. Her eyes pulled away from the handsome savior in the silence, focusing on a few coasters strewn about the coffee table in front of her. She had been to so many social gatherings in her life, and she thought she'd even been to some parties, but never had she felt so disarmed and vulnerable in her life. Not like this, at least. With Jacob, she wanted it to happen. Here, despite the sheer overwhelm of the crowd, she'd just felt helpless and alone.

She shifted her focus to Raleigh's empty hand, trying to regain some tact. "You seem... sober."

"Oh, I hate alcohol. Being drunk sucks."

"Hm. Wouldn't have guessed."

"Ouch," he smiled. "Would it be too, uh, distasteful to ask what you're doing here?"

April huffed, feeling almost all the air she had left leaving her. "Gosh, I... I don't even know, Raleigh."

He just let the silence intervene again, staring expectantly. Jerk. She didn't have the self control right now to keep her feelings bottled up.

"I was supposed to be keeping my roommate responsible. No point in that now. All she cares about is getting some guy in her pants. Good riddance, honestly. If she doesn't take her chastity seriously, she can take it up with the Lord. I'm done..." Despite saying it like she meant it, she felt guilt as soon as the words left her mouth, remembering how Adan had reassured her yesterday. This wasn't entirely Lily's fault. She didn't have the same convictions April did. Though she shared the same faith, she was a normal person. Of course the girl would cave to the pressures April was more resistant to.

Because at the end of the day, April wasn't normal.

"Can you make it home alright?" Raleigh cut to the core of the matter like it was nothing special. She didn't know whether to appreciate or resent him for it.

"I live a few feet away, Raleigh. And... God, I can't just leave Lily, can I...?"

"April, I hate to be that guy, but it seems this friend has made her decision, and you're in no state to go back in there. She is not your responsibility. I can't let you walk out in the dark alone, either. Look at yourself. You're still shaking."

She didn't need to look to know he was right.

"Someone will definitely try to take advantage of you."

"And you won't?"

She expected a smug smirk, but surprisingly, he remained completely serious. "You're going to have to trust me."

The two regarded each other in that living room for a short while. April searched his expression thoroughly for any deceit. Her inner voice, still rattled from the ongoing frenzy downstairs, insisted he must've had an ulterior motive, that in spite of his genuine act, he was just like the rest of the lecherous partygoers here. Just a scoundrel trying to lure her away from her duties. The more she searched, however, the less evidence she found of it. He didn't pry into her situation or pretend to understand the full scale of her predicament; his face, likewise, never changed. He wasn't drunk, either. As much as she didn't want to admit it, she already knew fully well that Raleigh was a man who always meant what he said.

"Fine," she caved. "But do you know where the bathroom here is?"

"Someone went in the one on this floor to pull trig a while ago and hasn't come out, so you'll have to use the one upstairs. First door on the right after the steps. Don't go in any others. Need me to lead the way?"

"I can go to the bathroom alone, Raleigh." They both shared a laugh at this. The break in tension, however brief, was enough to get her up the stairs.

As she stood at the door -- she double checked to make sure it was the right one -- she tried not to think of what Lily would get up to tonight. Raleigh was right. It was a shame that her efforts to keep the girl away from sin had failed, but ultimately, that was between her and God. She couldn't deny she still felt guilty for betraying her and Adan's expectations for herself, for not dragging her friend out by the shirt the moment it all went wrong, but that didn't change reality. After all, Adan had said it himself once: at a certain point, when one insisted on rejecting Him, fault became theirs. Could he blame her when he found out what Lily had chosen?

Not my responsibility. What a nice ring Raleigh's words had.

April turned the bathroom doorknob, so immersed in her own relief that she didn't pause to consider the sounds beyond.

Regret came in an instant. The moment dragged on far longer.

She registered the smell first, then the warmth. The fragrance of pine body soap, artificially pleasant, and the tickle of steam that rose up from the white, porcelain tiles in a gentle fog. Had she listened closer before, she would've heard the steady hiss of the shower before now, the intimate running of water against skin.

In it, for the first time since coming to the party -- for the first time that day -- she saw Dominik in the curtains drawn aside.

Naked.

April just barely noted his look of shock before her eyes, without her permission, descended him. He was frozen with his hands up in his hair, presenting himself fully. Droplets of water traced his musculature like lurid fingers -- chest, traps, abs. There was not an unworked part on him, and under the running shower, each part gleamed like a marble statue under museum light; no longer human, but art.

She only appreciated it for a mere moment. Her eyes stopped their descent, fixating between his legs.

She did not have the time to take in the details of what she saw. She was stuck in a state of half-processing, half-understanding. Veins, flesh, a flushed, swollen head. Weight. All of it pulsing. All of it reacting to her presence. Heavy, alien, and alive.

In the span of that moment, April could only stare.

Her struggles with school, church, and men.

Her failure to protect Lily from the party.

Her failure to resist her body's temptations.

Her heartache over Jacob, over the separation she couldn't bear.

In that instant, a single, simple thought overpowered each and every one of these worries.

Dominik's penis hung halfway down his knees.

The moment did end, of course. She tore her eyes back up to his face with a quick gasp not a second after opening the door.

He was already smirking.

She slammed the door shut again without looking back.

By the time she was at the bottom of the stairs, she had forgotten she needed to pee. All her focus had gone to walking straight in spite of her spinning head, of the ache in her groin which was, inexplicably, growing by the second.

Raleigh, idly unaware on his phone, only noticed her when she passed right in front of him, almost leaving through the front door without a word.

"April, that was quick. Is everything alr-"

"I'm going home."

===

"Mmmmnnn-!"

Unbeknownst to April, her hitched moan, as much as she tried to suppress it, was loud enough to be heard through the walls.

She was well beyond the point of worrying about it for more than a moment, much less stopping. Her hand was stuck between her legs now, two fingers rubbing what felt like a permanent circle into her pussy. Her eyes, likewise, were wide open in equal parts trance and disbelief, witnessing her own debauchery as though she were a third party. She didn't dare close them. She had no choice.

Her defenses, having struggled against temptation for God knows how long, had finally broken.

Her own body had become something unrecognizable. She was hopelessly wet, and heat drove each and every action. Her hand. Her ragged breaths and moans. Her thudding, rushing heartbeat. When the unwanted pleasure began to subside, it shifted her forward on the bed and parted her legs just a bit further to give her a better angle, and her fingers continued even harder, pressing deeper. The heat roared. Her moans followed.

"Ahhhhmmm-!"

She clasped a hand to her mouth, staring blankly down at her bare, dimly lit form in the dark. Her nipples were stiff peaks in the cool air, hardened ever since she'd thrown off her garments. Out of blank curiosity, she moved her free hand down to one of them and pinched it lightly between her thumb and forefinger. Another sensitive bolt shot through her whole body at the contact, making her shudder uncontrollably. Her lower half contorted, ass clenching, back arching, until a shaking grunt escaped her throat.

She wasn't sure if it even counted as an orgasm. She'd lost track of what she remembered that feeling to be. All she was certain of was that she had never experienced something like it, not even during her horniest nights. Not even with Jacob.

And it was because of... of...

God. Why couldn't she have just waited to go to the bathroom until she was home? It was just an extra minute away. She didn't even have to go that badly.

As soon as she made it out of that house with Raleigh, she made a beeline for Langley without so much as explaining to the poor sophomore what had gone wrong. How could she? Going to that party at all was a mistake. Not one thing had gone right, and in the end, even after resisting all the sin it had to offer, it was forced upon her eyes anyway. Raleigh could never understand that. In the end, she ignored his attempts to comfort her and closed the front door on him, opting to make an excuse later. She couldn't talk right now. Not in her current state.

Not with that... thing still fresh in her mind.

A lot of them are pretty 'well-endowed,' if you get what I mean, Lily's voice echoed.

April curled a finger inward as if doing so would dig out the memory, turning her head to the nightstand as she swallowed a groan. On it, as usual, rested her phone, screen still shining with her boyfriend's face. The sight of him broke something in her all over again.

She called.

Of course, she'd already tried many times by now. It was the first thing she did upon returning to her room aside from touching herself. She didn't care anymore about how mad she was at him, how little he cared about the church and her faith. None of it mattered. She needed him right now. She needed release. She needed mercy from all these pent-up feelings. From the arousal, and from the guilt.

The dial tone droned above her moans before dissolving into robotic voicemail. It didn't surprise her, but she had let herself hope again. She fantasized about him being here for her, about him helping her through all this the way he did with everything else. She thought about what might've been had she not stopped him all those months ago, had he seen through her obvious bluff and taken what he so desperately wanted. It was a violation of her chastity vow -- she wouldn't even try to deny it -- but the regret was too strong right now to act against.

Because she hadn't acted on her sinful desire then, Jacob was not the first man she'd seen in person. And he never would be.

Still, her hand never once stopped working through this turmoil, and inevitably, it brought on another climax as she kept looking at her boyfriend's picture. A confusing, unbearable blend of regret and release took her from head to toe, erupting over and over in time with her heat-driven tremors.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I love you, I love you, I love you. I only love you.

After a while, her shaking subsided, as did the quiet apologies. She went limp on her bed, breathing tired and heavy, filthy hand set free from between her legs. At last, the furious heat faded away into her subconscious, now satisfied. The image of what she'd seen in that shower remained, but the regret it brought was blunted by exhaustion. Opening her eyes, she looked again at her phone, frowning at the call button.

She would undoubtedly feel far worse tomorrow. She had no idea why Jacob hadn't picked up any of her frantic calls at this hour, but come next morning he would see the onslaught that he'd missed and call her back. What was she supposed to tell him then? That she'd pleasured herself after seeing another man? That she hadn't been able to hold herself back any longer? That certainly wouldn't do no matter how true it was. At the same time, it wasn't like she could just pretend everything was alright. Just the past three weeks had been hell. Ever since their close call, her body had been screaming for attention, chastity be damned. Tonight was a warning siren. Her convictions were not as steadfast as she believed.

She covered her face with an arm, holding back her tears. Her worries didn't end with Jacob. Lily would be back tomorrow, too, and she wasn't the only one who needed to answer to God anymore.

Though she knew it was wrong, April pressed her eyes shut behind her arm and chose to procrastinate. Those were tomorrow's problems, she told herself. For now, all she needed was sleep.

... But the night had other plans.

The door to the apartment opened just as she was about to drift off. Two sets of footsteps snuck inside, failing to hide themselves.

"Come on...!" Lily's voice ushered.

"Is your roommate here?" It was a male's voice. Presumably that of the one she had been with at the dance.

"I think so. She goes to bed early, though."

April's eyes widened again. She wished she had done what Lily said. Now, she could do nothing but listen on as the couple pitter-pattered over to Lily's bed -- just beyond her own wall. Her roommate let out a barely muffled and clearly drunk giggle as she was pushed on.

"Shhh...! I-I... I promised to be quiet- ah!"

"Don't you hold back now. You asked for this."

"I was just... I just meant... Nhh...!"

There was the shuffling of clothes, the smacking of lips on skin soon after. April's mouth hung agape, too stunned to even consider stepping in.

"Oh... Oh. Oh my god, I-I..."

The man paused. "You like that?"

"Yes, please, baby, don't stop...!"

April heard another shuffle, quicker this time, paired with Lily's gasp -- the shock of being pulled closer to her partner by unexpected strength. April recognized the sound from when Jacob moved her around while making out. It always made her want more.

But Lily actually got it. The smacking returned louder, more passionate than before, and her moans went breathless. Her body was at his mercy, her pleasure at his command. April idly brought her thumb to her lips, listening to the girl's ecstasy grow more, and more, and more, until...

The male stopped.

Lily caught her breath in irritated confusion, mind still fixated needily on her own climax. "What're you..."

"Come on. Don't leave me out of it."

A belt rattled, then fell. April felt the atmosphere change from behind the wall, heart leaping in tandem with Lily's silence.

"It's... it's so big..."

"Your fault," her partner said cheekily. "What're you gonna do about it?"

The silence prolonged another heartbeat too long. Just as April wondered if Lily was about to back out, a gentle smooch sounded out in the tense air, quiet yet unmistakable.

The male was the one to express his appreciation this time. "Mmmm... Just like that... Tease me. Go slow."

The smooches went on, though they never grew quite as confident as the man's had been, and his moans were never quite as intense as Lily's. April could feel her unease, her inexperience in every kiss, as though she were tasked with something wrong and dangerous. The girl continued anyway, adding her own moans to the mix, enjoying the danger. Eventually, though, she stopped with another gasp, pulled back onto the bed by that same unexpected strength.

"You ready?" asked the man.

"Mhhmm...! Please, I want it...!"

April bit her bottom lip, waiting. Beyond the wall, a slick, wet sound marked the moment her roommate's life changed irrevocably.

"ooooOOOOMPH-!" The girl covered her face with a pillow far too late.

"Shiiiit, you're so fucking tight..."

"You're... ah... big..."

"You like that dick, don't you?" The sound came through the wall again, faster as he took Lily with more purpose. "Don't you?"

"Oh... OH! Yes..."

"What was that?"

The girl drew a deep breath. "Fuck me...!"

That was the only motivation the man needed. A loud slap resonated through the apartment, and Lily screamed out for all to hear.

This went on for a few minutes, maybe more. April didn't bother counting. It felt like a long time. Too long. With every slap, every thrust, Lily's restraint broke more and more, and she said things April couldn't have ever imagined coming from her. Pleading for more. Begging for it. Like the girl who Dominik pleased upstairs every night, she had become a woman in utter bliss, every other problem in her life forgotten as they were pounded out of her one by one.

April's composure began to crumble alongside her. Already, she felt her own heat reactivating, threatening to drive her into another sinful session. She still resisted in the end, but the fact that this was happening just past the wall made it unbearable. It was a suitable punishment for letting the party culminate into this. Even if she had worn Raleigh's earphones in time, they wouldn't have protected her from the lewd truth happening next to her.

At some point, the slaps sped, and the man's grunts grew rapid. Lily's moans spurred him on regardless, perhaps knowing what awaited her, until, finally, he roared into the night.

"UUURGH!"

"AHHN!"

And they stopped.

For minutes, April listened on as their breathing slowed. It was the only remaining sound beyond the wall now, like the hissing smoke of a great impact. When even that faded away, the couple sank into a shared sleep as if they hadn't just had sex right where Lily's roommate could hear them. And she had. Oh, she had indeed.

But as she clasped her hands over her mouth trying to process it all, her roommate's loss of purity was hardly the first thing on her mind. Even her worries over how it had ended, how safe the girl had been, seemed fleeting.

Instead, her mind was stuck on the man she'd brought inside.

That had been Adan's voice.