The Ballad of Dani P.

I was a Princess once.

Well that was once upon a time ago at least.

I had a kingdom in the land of Tra'leir Parque, where all the villagers would line up around the block on sniffens day to catch a whif of the moist, yeasty, cavernous pit that is my vagina.

This was the custom there.

However, not all the villagers were satisfied with my royal stench. There was an evil sorcerer, Gary VanPoodlefuck, or something like that who would constantly walk his dog beyonce and shout things like

"close your damn legs ya demon!"

And

"Jesus Murphy that smells like 40 year old cans of dead eels soaked in old hot dog water and French bulldog piss in a dumpster where a homeless swedish hemophiliac vomitted after they ate clams out of a musty old portapotty in the middle of july of 1995!"

He wasn't wrong.

It was a god awful aroma.

Unique in its own way though, i had often thought of making candles, and calling them "the scent of unhinged dispair"

My trade secret? Not washing... ever.

One time I found moss growing along my uterine wall. It was amazing! To thing there could have been an entire civilization of micro organisms... well... in my case, organisms. Living inside of my mommy bits!

So Gary had had it up to the gills with my vagina, as the smell had created a thick, foamy, greenish brown smog across the land. It would stain clothes, skin, and would end up attaching to everything so were you to visit foreign lands, they would immediately assume you a vagrant and smother you in soaps and fragrance oils. That never worked, so some of them were exiled from those lands, as even if you were to die and be buried underground, it would contaminate the soil and seep up through the ground. Many swamps were created this way.

Gary confronted me and said "your evil has plagued this place long enough! The stench of your putrid, filthy, crab ridden, puss box of a pussy has effectively caused the vultures to even leave!"

I replied "if you think thats bad, you should take a whiff of my asshole!"

Then I cackled and cackled to the point of tears, which also smelled of shit.

Gary pulled out a magic wand and started waving it around saying

"I banish you to the forest so deep that no man shall have to endure your wretched, nasty old beans smelling, stink box ever again!"

There was a rumble in the ground, the winds started shifting, and a tornado appeared, taking me up inside of it and that is where I blacked out.

When I came to, I was exactly where Gary said I

Might be, in the trees.

I was able to glue together sticks and leaves and make a sort of shelter using the smegma from my taint. It was a very sticky and oily paste that hardened like that of an Adobe hut in the early south American territories. Only muddier.

It was among the trees in my new forest prison I started to learn that there was a sort of magic in the air. As I sat in my tree hut of dirty sweat and secretion, I began to have needs. So I twisted off a branch of the scratchiest, driest, sticks in could find, this one happened to have mud and bugs all over it, half of it being moistened by the saturation of sitting in either animal urine, rain, or something else.

I shoved this branch inside of my seeping, diseased, oderous vagina and wiggled it around for some time like I was scratching an unfathomable itch. My acidic precum almost seemed to sort of sterilize the branches harsh texture.

"Ive heard of being one with nature, but holy fucking shit!" I exclaimed.

It was then I realized the tree was moving, the other branches formed around me and spread my gelatinous cellulite bags of ass cheek and started to insert what felt like miles of rough, woody, vines in and out as it they were taking turns.

"oh fuck yeah! Is that all you got?!, I am princess Dani P of the Tra'leir Parque! I can take it! I can take anything! My pussy has been beaten, battered, bitten, fisted, stomped, and thats just a Tuesday! Sometimes I find giant catfish and sit on them until they find solace in their new home that is the cavernous hell pit between my legs!"

Thunder clapped, and so did my cheeks.

I was getting jammed from both ends now by a tree that I can only assume was magic.

I felt fissures forming in places that no man dared explore, this was fine.

A storm started brewing again, much like the one that brought me here. This one was different though, this one had a familiar greenish/brownish hue to it. My stench had changed the environment similar to that of the dagobah system. This storm seemed to be fusing with it.

Lightning started to shoot everywhere, I now had multiple vines sticking out of my ass and vagina like I was growing roots. They were lifting me up toward the sky, still not quite touching my floppy sloppy g spot. It was then my eyes started to roll back and an ancient magic filled my soul, speaking through me saying

"we are the spirits that dwell in this forest, we have been waiting for one who can host so many of us at one time. Many have tried and failed as they were not strong enough. Now you will have the power of powers. Wield the magic of our ancestors!"

Then after being suspended about 30 feet in the air the son of a bitch dropped me. All while shooting a load of some black sappy tarry type of stuff all over the place. I was still picking sticky stems and pine cones and junebugs and shitnout of my snatch a month later I'll tel you what.

So I retreat back to my humble little hut I built and start looking around for the materials I would need to start a fire. It was then I noticed that a single tiny little flame was floating in space right in front of me. My mere thought brought it to fruition.

"What is this magic?" I asked.

"The magic of our ancestors you stupid bitch! We Literally just said that when we shoy our load in you" the forest answered.

I spent the next few years in that forest honing my skills, getting gang fucked by the tree people, who without noses still seemes a little bothered by the smell of my rank and rotten fish pussy.

The I decided to embark. on an quest of revenge and return to my kingdom of Tra'leir Parque where I could find the great sorcerer Gary.

I returned and what I found was no longer the kingdom that of which I once knew.

Banishing me wasnt enough evidently. The whole kingdom was abandoned. Only one lowly farmer lingered, desperately trying to grow crops.

"What happened here?" I asked.

"My Princess! You have returned! I would know that smell anywhere!" The farmer replied.

"Come now my child, tell me what has become of my home" I asked again.

"Since that fateful sniffens day, you see Gary started reveling in the fact that your crotch smog would nonlinear be effecting our society. Food would taste better, smells would... return to how they should be, and we could all live in peace and harmony. But there were detractors. Those who opposed his radical ideas... i was one of those my liege. We proposed that life was better with the aroma of hot garbage and months old McDonald's wafting through the air at all times. I dont even brush my teeth! Nor would I ever allow a child. So we started rebelling. It was slow at first, litter here and there, constantly blasting all summer long by kid rock and couple other choice hits. Never ever showering was a big one. But none of it was really necessary you see because the smell never really went away. Not even after the ozone layer started to repair itself and the water started to run a little less polluted... it was still in our nostrils clinging to the little hairs in there. So Gary moved. And soon enough everyone moved as well." The farmer said.

"And what of the others that were on your side?" I asked.

"I lost my child to the winter. Short of that its just me. It was always just me. Ive missed that old stink in the air... it was like an old shoe taken from the bottom of a lake and left to sit out in the sun next to an old tacklebox, both covered in weeks old dog shit, but like the dog was sick or something like it had eaten something it really shouldn't have you know. That and throw in the smell of a garbage can filled with old dirty maxipads and nasty sweaty old man balls with like that weird dirt cheese accumulated in the creases." the farmer lovingly recollected.

"Your loyalty is appreciated farmer, I hereby dub thee, queen of Tra'leir Parque. This is here by your land. Now cab you tell me where Gary went?" I replied.

"Yes, but before you go would you mind entertaining a fantasy of mine?" The farmer said

"Surely. What might you have had in mind?" I replied.

Well as unconventional as it was I felt i need to oblige. She dressed in a tight black leather suit with enormous dragon like wings and holes cut out of the breasts and crotch areas.

"You know whats better than being a princess?" The farmer said as she threw me violently to the ground. "Eating out the most rancid, disgusting and uncongenial genitalia that has ever been!"

With that she dove head first into my ever sinking beef section. Writhing around, thrashing her tongue from left to right, up and down, northwest southeast, northeast to southwest, she even went in directions I hadn't imagined before possible. This farmer was capable of great things, I knew it then.

There was a great "sluurp" noise like that of a suction cup coming unstuck as she picked her now entire sticky a putrified head, covered in a thick grey goo.

"Before you go my princess, I must show you another reason I love these lands of Tra'leir Parque." The farmer exclaimed as she pulled out a jar of honey she had sequestered in her anus.

She proceeded to spread honey all over her breasts and genital area like she was getting ready for the most invasive Brazilian than anyone has achieved. She really got up there. Poking her sticky fingers up inside herself to ensure that there was no attainable centimeter missed.

Then she whistled. It was a loud, screeching whistle that could pierce your ear drums should you get too close. Thats when the bees came. In more ways than one that is because as it turns out she had been so lonely in the village with no one around, she trained the bees to... pollenate her. They swarmed the honey covered parts of her and she moaned and groaned with pleasure.

Then the bees formed the shape of a person and proceeded to perform acts of sexual prowess only ever seen in the most extreme and banned copies of the kama sutra.

Still bent on the thought of revenge I left that brave farmer to her devices and journeyed off to find that son of a bitch Gary.

I explored many of worlds, some were worse than others, had a guest spot on Jerry Springer and ultimately they couldn't use the footage as the toxic odor emanating from my most unholy nethers was gagging the entire audience and causing them to projectile vomit.

It took me so long to find him that i started growing green things off of my teeth and veins had started practically popping off of my scalp.

This was fine as that was always the plan anyway, I took some health tips from the farmer, after all brushing your teeth is vastly over rated and thats how they control your brain!

I found a man on his way home from college to impregnate me while he was nursing a hurt knee. In return I gave him the power to remain erect as long as he had large fat sweaty italian man plugging his anus like it was his life's purpose. A cruel joke, I know, but I am a huge Bitch so its whatever to me.

I hadn't plan on having children, not ever though, so as I ventured on in search of that mother fucker Gary, I became more and more pregnant. I tried everything from smoking crack, cigarettes, throwing myself down the stairs but the little bastard was a strong one. That's when I learned that Babies are a special kind of magic. Especially that of which born from such a smelly garbage cave like my funked and rotted carcass pussy.

I came to the conclusion it was probably time to unload this child and bequeath it to the farmer. The one person who i knew wouldn't mind the stink.

I said "raise this child as your own and through my magic he will be. You will call him Aaron and he will be your own. I will return here to the kingdom of Tra'leir Parque to be princess once more. And you as queen, your duty is to raise this Prince to be my husband. And we shall rule Tra'leir Parque as king and queen."

The farmer agreed and took the child and through my magic she was now the mother.

I pressed on and finally found Gary. He had found himself bitter and aging alone in an apartment complex with no memory of how he and Beyonce had gotten there. Once he was able to breathe fresh air again his brain couldn't comprehend the experience and blocked out the last 300 years of his life. What was once a great sorcerer was now reduced to a near sighted old fool.

Many years had passed and ofcourse I returned to reclaim my throne as Princess of Tra'leir Parque this time alongside my Prince. H saw me and said "I dont believe it, finally someone whos stink matches mine!, would you... make me the happiest half human half fecal monster in the world and... have a three way with an equally disgusting woman I met on tik tok out in Arkansas, we could even wait until we have 2 kids that way we can experience the thrill of abandoning them with your father whom we can also move into their room with us in our 2 bedroom apartment. Oh by the way the living room is exclusively for smoking wax and making gross tik tok videos."

My eyes teared up, which gave me pink eye because my tears for some reason also have fecal in them.

"Yes!, yes! A thousand times YES!" I cried.

I was made the happiest goblin witch princess in the world that day. We moved into the apartment complex where Gary lived so I could keep an eye on him and if he ever were to remember I would cast a spell on him to forget again. There was a maintenance supervisor who just when you though had to be the worst, i even shared my disgusting used, uncleaned dildos with his wife, Aaron would then prove to be an even worse maintenance supervisor after him.

Just when you think there couldn't be a more happily ever after, you can use my story as evidence that miracles do happen. A princess finds her prince. Even in the kingdom of Tra'leir Parque.