The Fair Folk Pt. 05

(On rereading this episode as originally drafted, it struck me as a bit weird.

So I rewrote it to make it super-weird. If you're writing a story about people who gain emotional and spiritual peace from being naked and covered in mud, there's no point in not leaning into it.

Contains some fairly mild violence and might get a bit emotional. I know I said that the last part was the fourth act of a five-act drama, but Cal and Peggy turned out to have a lot of issues that they needed to, um, address.)

The Fair Folk

Chapter 5: The Dirt

We were sitting around talking when we heard someone crying in the kitchen, and then T. J. came in with her arm around Gwen, who was weeping.

Jill sprang to her feet.

'What the fuck happened,' she said, and glanced at me.

'Gwen got a call from her dad,' T. J. said.

'Oh shit,' Jill said, and came over to them both. She held out her arms, and Gwen walked into them, and sobbed, burying her face in Jill's shoulder.

'Your friend's out there,' T. J. said to me.

Gwen looked up, and looked at me, her red face streaked with tears and snot.

'Cal,' she croaked, 'this had nothing to do with Peggy. She was very kind.'

I nodded and went out.

At this point, I couldn't really blame the others for thinking that TCB must have upset her.

But she was nowhere in the yard, and she wasn't in the kitchen garden.

I looked around. Far off, across the back field, I could just about see a dark figure walking away.

I ran after her.

By the time I caught up with her, she was walking down the track to the river. She heard me coming up behind and glanced over her shoulder.

'What happened,' I said.

'I was having a cigarette,' she said.

'I didn't know you smoked.'

'I'm trying to give 'em up. I only smoke when I'm really stressed. Anyway, I was having one, and I heard someone come out with their phone ringing, and then I heard it was Gwen talking to her dad.'

She kept walking, staring ahead of her.

'And I hid, because...'

She paused, but kept on walking.

'I dunno why. Maybe I didn't want her to know I smoke. But, obviously he was in a bit of a state, because she was trying to calm him down.

'But then, he said something to her, I dunno what, but, fucking hell.'

She shook her head.

'She was so upset. I could hear him shouting at her, and I couldn't hear what he was saying, but she started crying and begging him to stop. It was awful.

'And when he hung up, I came out to try to say something, and she explained how he was off his meds, and so on, and I tried to say something, you know, sympathetic. But she just started crying again.

'And then T. J. comes out and sees her, and the first thing she says is, she says to me, "What did you say to her."'

'Did you tell her...'

'Gwen did. But that's not the point.'

She kept walking.

'She assumed I'm that much of a fucking cunt, that I would get Gwen into a state like that.'

'That's just T. J.,' I said. 'She's protective.'

'Did you see Gwen?'

'She came in with T. J., she was still crying.'

'Did you think I'd done that?'

I hesitated. She glanced at me, with a bitter half-smile.

'Yeah,' she said. 'It's understandable. But that's not the really bad thing. You know the really bad thing?'

'What?'

'That I'm still making this all about me. Because I'm upset T. J. assumed it was me. Fuck's sake, Gwen apologised to me for losing her shit. Why would she do that, if I weren't such a pain in the arse?'

She walked faster, distraught. She looked at me; it was like she couldn't believe herself.

'I should be feeling sorry for her, but I'm feeling sorry for me. I'm fucking awful, Cal. And you only don't see it 'cos you like me.'

'So where are you going?'

'I'm going to the mud, to cool down and to stay out of everyone's fucking way.'

'You're not thinking of doing anything stupid?'

'I don't know,' she said, 'and now, I'm turning into Gwen's fucking dad.'

'How?'

'He was saying something to her and she kept begging him not to do something. I bet he was threatening to off himself.'

'Shit.'

'Yeah. And now look at me. I'm fucking doing the same thing.'

She wiped her eyes angrily.

'You shouldn't hang around with me,' she said. 'I'm shit.'

'I'm not letting you go off by yourself to a muddy river in the middle of the night, when you're in a state like this.'

'How are you gonna stop me.'

'I'm gonna go with you.'

She left the track and walked across the grass towards the mud, pulling off her black t-shirt. She tossed it on the ground and I picked it up.

She stopped at the edge of the mud, staring at it, and pulled off her sneakers and socks.

'Is this really gonna make you feel better,' I said.

'I don't know,' she said, slipping her arms out of her bra straps and taking the bra off. 'But, I'll feel better about feeling shit.'

She pulled down her jeans and panties and stood there, staring bleakly at the mud. I gathered up her clothes.

I loved her body.

It wasn't like it was 'supremely beautiful', or anything. Not that I gave much of a shit about that, anyway.

Looking at it, I guessed that she was the sort of person who worried that she had fat thighs, because that was one of her features, that her thighs were a bit big, but I loved them anyway. And her skin was this lovely pale honey colour and her face was, not delicate but, angular.

But it wasn't about her body. It was...

I had seen her, on screen, standing there, doing nothing but be cold and naked and muddy and vulnerable, and it had moved me almost to tears. Seeing her in a state like that, made me feel for her.

And, also, because we'd been naked together, and we had done things to each other, I couldn't not feel something for someone I'd done that with.

I was starting to get to know her.

'You gonna stand there like a perv,' she said without looking at me, 'or are you gonna join me.'

I put her clothes on the ground and started to undress. It wasn't warm.

When we were both naked she looked at me.

'Thanks,' she said in a small voice, and stepped into the mud. She almost immediately sank in it up to her ankles but she walked in a few paces and then got down on her knees.

I went in after her and knelt next to her.

'Fuck,' I said, 'it's cold.'

'It's supposed to be cold, you tit.'

She leaned forward, scooped up a double handful of it and smeared it onto her face.

'Uhh,' she sighed, like she felt a kind of relief.

She leaned blindly forward and took more and smeared it on her breasts, and gasped slightly, then did more on her stomach, and her groin, then she un-knelt, and lay down on her back and started doing her legs.

I copied her. It was cold and clammy and gritty but when I was done and lying on my back, cold and blind and naked, the mud clung to me like a mask. Or a cocoon.

'Samuel Beckett was a pussy,' she said through clenched teeth.

'Why,' I gasped.

'His mud's warm.'

'Yeah,' I said. 'I bet he never got naked in it.'

'No,' she said. 'It's all a fucking metaphor with him. Fucking twat.'

'Still a great writer.'

'Oh, well fine.'

We lay there. I felt the cold mud drawing the heat out of me. It was disturbing, not being able to see. I could just about hear her rasping breathing.

'What do we do now,' I said.

'We lie here.'

'Until we get hypothermia?'

'Sshh.'

I then felt her fingertips touch mine. I felt calmer.

'I fuck up every relationship I'm in,' she said.

'So do I.'

'I can't get close to people.'

'Me neither.'

'I'm too ashamed to admit what I'm like.'

'Me too. What are you like?'

'Oh... private, weird. I've got this mud fetish, my head's fucked up. Ninety-nine per cent sure I've got undiagnosed ADHD.'

'Gonna see a doctor about that?'

There was a pause.

'... Think I should?'

'If it would make... if it would help you be happier?'

She was silent.

'There's not a lot makes me happy,' she eventually said, 'but, when I think about you, it calms me down.'

'That a good thing?'

'I used to think it wasn't. I used to feel more alive when my brain was really firing. But now...'

There was a pause, and then a squelching sound, and I felt her hand on my arm, and her voice was closer to me.

'I'm getting so fucking tired of it, Cal,' she said, her voice shaky.

I rolled onto my left side, facing her, and we groped till we found each other and she came into my arms and we held each other, our limbs entwined, our bodies pressed together. My chin was on her forehead. She gave a little sigh as we clutched each other.

Being blind and naked and covered in mud really did make her more calm. Maybe me too.

But we were still cold.

'Fuck,' she gasped, 'really fucking cold now. I only notice it 'cos you're warm.'

'Yeah,' I said.

'Mmmmmmmmm,' she said, but it wasn't a sigh of pleasure, it was a growl.

We lay still, holding each other.

'Listen,' I said. 'I do like you, but I'm not blind. You've got a lot of shit going on. So do I, but you're not Gwen's fucking dad. You didn't make her cry. Apparently, you can't. Yeah, you've been annoying the last couple of days, but you didn't do that to her. She told me herself. She said, It takes more than a bit of a meltdown to get to me.'

'Well,' she said quietly, 'whatever he said, it was a fuck of a lot more than a bit of a meltdown. I felt so bad for her.'

'See? She likes you. She's got her dad, and he's the fucking dark lord, apparently.'

'Who am I, then,' she said. 'Some mook who the heroine gets rid of in act two.'

'Maybe you're the dodgy, sarcastic stranger who nobody trusts, 'til you come in at the end and finally help. And I'm your plucky sidekick.'

'It's not as neat as that.'

'Nothing is as neat as that, for fuck's sake,' I said. I was annoyed that we'd got all clever, instead of being true with each other. 'Fuck that shit.'

She nodded. The mud smelled of earth. We shivered and held each other tighter.

She took a deep breath in and breathed out.

'I mean,' I said, 'we can lie here as long as you like, or else we can go back to the house and you can try and be nice to Gwen.'

'I want to be nice to Gwen,' she said in a shaky voice. 'I'm just fucking rubbish at it.'

'Well,' I said, 'I like you anyway.'

'Why?' she said miserably.

'I dunno, why does the sun shine?'

''Cos it's a gigantic fusion reaction.'

'Oh,' I said. 'Like you and me.'

'Seriously. Why do you like me.'

I thought:

Because you're cool. And you're brave.

And the world is a lot less lonely when I know you're out there.

'Why shouldn't I like you?'

'Because I'm a self-obsessed, fucking...'

'Shut up,' I said, exasperated.

'Are you telling me to shut up?' she said, her voice rising.

'Yeah. I'm so fucking sick of you going on about how shit you are. It makes me think like I'm an idiot for liking you.'

'Don't you fucking tell me what do, you fucking simp,' she said, and although my eyes were full of mud I could feel her drawing back from me.

Then she hit me on the ear, like a weird sideswipe.

'Ow!'

'I was trying to slap your stupid fucking face, but I can't see.'

'Well, that's not fair, cause I can't hit you back.'

'Pussy,' she snarled, and we grabbed each other and started struggling blindly in the mud, each trying to get on top of the other.

I really wasn't sure what was the point of this, but I was irritated enough that I wasn't going to be her fucking punchbag, and she was pissed enough to want to prove some sort of point.

We struggled and slithered over each other. It was made a lot harder by the fact that it was pitch dark, and we had mud all over our faces, so we couldn't see a fucking thing.

She and I were on our sides, and grappling with our wrists, and then she let go of one wrist, and reached down and grabbed my balls, and squeezed them, so I naturally pulled my hips away from her.

She then grabbed my shoulders and hauled herself on top of me, shoving me face-down into the mud, and she was on top of my back, facing down my back, and she stuck her hand between my arse cheeks to hold me where she wanted me, while her feet kept my face in the mud.

I was struggling as it was, flailing, with my face buried in the mud, and I managed to get my palms on the ground and lift myself up, and she slipped off me.

I swivelled around, grabbing her blindly, and she grunted as I got one arm around her neck, holding her down, and pushed my other hand up between her arse cheeks to give myself leverage, and my thumb slipped into her anus, and she gasped and struggled, and I heaved her forward and her face went into the mud and I leaned my weight between her shoulder blades and pushed her into it, and she made a muffled burble and then one of her hands grabbed my balls again, and squeezed, and I whimpered with the pain but I kept holding her down, my thumb up TCB's bum, and I dunno what the fuck what we were doing but it seemed really important that we do it.

*

Cal was on my back and his thumb was up my arse and my face was in the muck and I was squeezing his bits and, fuck, it was awful, but it was also like I had never been more weirdly and fucked-offed-ly alive than this.

It wasn't even like I wanted to be doing it.

But it felt right. We had to fight. I was so angry, with me for being so selfish, and with Cal for being mean to me just when I was starting to calm down, and with Gwen for being perfect and with the world and with my dad and with her dad and with everything, I had to fight, and I could only fight him, 'cos it wasn't fair to fight anyone else, and if I fought myself it could get really fucking nasty.

I managed to lift my face out of the mud.

'Fuck you,' I gasped.

'Fuck you,' he panted back to me. 'I was trying to be nice.'

'Fuck off with that,' I said, desperate to stop him from trying to be nice, because that was all a lot of shit, and I didn't want to hear it, and the only thing I was good for was fighting him in the mud, naked and blind and desperate. I couldn't see anything else. I couldn't imagine anything else. Everything else was just noise.

I felt his hand on the back of my head, and he plunged my face into the mud again.

*

I pushed her face into the mud. She squirmed underneath me and I took my thumb out of her arse, cause it shouldn't have been up there in the first place, obviously.

She heaved her face out and gasped 'Prick.'

'Can I just remind you,' I panted, 'that this started because I was trying to tell you I like you.'

'Yeah,' she said in a voice that was half a sob, 'and I don't believe you.'

'It's fucking true,' I said, trying to hold her down and stop her from attacking me, but she was strong, and we were slipping all over each other, and she pushed me onto my back, her fingers between my thighs, trying to grab my slippery taint, her other hand turning my face and pushing half of it into the mud as I fought against her.

'You're just saying it,' she said, 'cause you're fucking sad and lonely, and you know me, and, and, and we've got something in common.'

I took a deep breath, and pushed her off me, mostly, and we were struggling with each other, side by side, cold and filthy and exhausted, and we couldn't beat each other, because although she's slightly smaller than me, I'm rubbish at fighting.

'Yeah,' I said.

'You're a fucking sad, lonely bastard, Cal,' she said, starting to cry.

Now, that really hurt. Because it was true.

'Yeah, I am.'

'And you're only clinging on to me 'cos I am too.'

'Fucking... yeah, I know.'

We were sort of fighting each other off, at this point, one arm grappling with the other's arm, our hands on each other's privates, our legs kicking, or trying to.

'We're just leaning on each other.'

'Yeah, we are,' I said, and I was crying too by this point.

'Fuck,' she sobbed, and she twisted around violently, and her elbow, I think, connected with my nose, and it really hurt.

'Ow!' I yelped, 'fucking, shit!'

And I threw her off me, just as she heaved and twisted herself away from me, so she landed face down in the mud harder than she thought she was going to, and she made a muffled cry and then rolled over and cried 'Ahh!'

I sat up, wiping my eyes with one hand and holding my nose with the other. I could barely see, but TCB was lying on her back, a couple of feet away, with a hand covering one eye.

'You all right?' I said.

'I hit a fucking stone,' she said bitterly, wiping her face. 'Shit fuck pants.'

We looked at each other, panting for breath.

She peered at me.

'Your nose is bleeding,' she said.

'Your eyebrow's bleeding.'

We stared at each other for a moment.

Then, because I was exhausted, I held out my hand, and she grabbed it and I pulled her up and she sat, sort of half on my lap and half in the mud, and we put our arms around each other and, well, we just sort of let it out, for a bit, if you know what I mean.

It was messy and undignified. I mean the fight hadn't had any bloody dignity about it, but the after-the-fight bit was just grubby and snotty and teary and embarrassing.

We held each other tight as we did it. I put one hand on her bum, gently this time, to make up for how I'd handled her in the fight. She wrapped her arms one over my left shoulder and the other under my right armpit and pushed her face into my neck.

'I'm sorry,' I sniffed.

'I'm sorry.'

We sat like that for a bit.

When we'd come back to ourselves enough that we could talk without hiccupping, we went on sitting like that.

'We're now officially ridiculous,' she muttered.

'I don't give a fuck,' I said.

'Me neither.'

It was cold, we were shivering, we were in pain, we we were filthy.

But it was, more or less... all right.

I let go of her a bit, and we separated slightly, and wiped the mud off our faces, so we could see each other properly, and we looked at each other, properly.

We'd both spiralled, we'd gone way too far, and we had to either stop completely or fucking fix it.

She peered at my nose.

'Don't think it's broken,' she said.

'When I was a kid I used to have nosebleeds all the time.'

'From constant picking?'

'Yeah.'

I looked at her cut eyebrow.

'We'll need to get something on that,' I said.

I held out a hand, and TCB stared at it and then took it.

'Right,' I said, 'this whole Gwen thing.'

'Mm.'

'She wanted to work with us,' I said, 'and she's one of your fans, and she's still one of your fans. She told me in front of everyone, she said you were kind. Can we not just go back, and you can practice being nice? Let's stop fucking hiding and being idiots.'

'Yeah,' she said, nodding, and we leaned forward and held each other again, and she shook for a bit longer.

I had no idea if she was laughing or crying, or just really cold.

I wasn't too sure about that with respect to me, either.

'Thanks,' she finally said, in a small voice. 'I think I know what to say, now.'

***

Cleaning ourselves off was tricky in total darkness. As in, impossible. We ended up wet but still objectively filthy, just no longer caked in mud.

We trudged back to the house, side by side but not touching, and went through the dark kitchen to the back room, shivering in our damp clothes. TCB's hair was a shaggy mess. My socks squelched.

The gang was all in there. Gwen was on a bean bag, and Jill was next to her holding her hand.

'... as well he didn't call mum,' Gwen was saying. 'If he had, she'd have said by now. Oh,' she said looking up at us, smiling tiredly, 'hi, guys. God, you're absolutely filthy.'

She looked rather bemused.

It would be fair to say that, other than from Gwen, we were not getting the warmest welcome.

I sat on the arm of a chair, and TCB stayed standing.

'And what happened to your faces?' Gwen said. 'You're bleeding.'

'Oh,' TCB said, 'we had a fight. But we made up.'

'We need to clean...' Gwen started, but TCB held up her hands and Gwen fell silent.

She looked at everyone, her face and hands and hair clotted with dirt, her clothes soggy. She clasped her hands in front of herself and her fingers squirmed nervously over each other.

'Um, sorry, just, before we do anything else,' TCB said, and blinked. 'Guys, I, I don't want to make this all about me, because I know I do do that, but I just wanted to say something. It won't take long, I swear.'

She looked around the room at the generally indifferent-to-hostile faces, and at me. I nodded at her: Go on.

'I know I've, I've, I've been a right pain in the arse, the last couple of days, and I want to say, I'm sorry.

'I have this... friend, who says I'm not good with humans. 'Cos I bitch when I can't get my own way, and I get lost and I blurt shit out, cause I lose my temper, and I can't tell people when I like 'em, 'cos I assume they don't want to know. And some of you probably know that by now.'

She glanced quickly at me, and then at Harper.

'And I'm sorry for pissing you all off. And it's not "I'm sorry if you were upset by my behaviour" fucking shit, it's, I'm honestly sorry that I pissed you off. Because I was trying to piss you off. And I wish I hadn't.'

She swallowed. She avoided looking at them.

'I overheard this end of, of Gwen's phone call with her dad, so I'm the only other person who knows a bit what it was like.'

She glanced at Gwen, who was looking back at her steadily.

'See, my dad fucked off before I was born. I've never met him. Apparently he didn't want kids. He's certainly not interested in me. I've sometimes wondered why. Definitely got something to do with why I'm a fucking mess.'

She looked right at Gwen.

'But I think I'd rather have no dad, than have a dad who'd do what... what your dad did, to you, tonight. Just... I dunno. I dunno what to say.'

Gwen smiled at her sadly. The others were watching her a tad less impatiently than before.

'Now,' she said, 'I know some of you are thinking, Jesus Christ, when's this fucking bitch gonna stop making everything about her, and just sit down and shut up.'

Harper and Gav smiled. Gwen chuckled slightly. T. J. pushed her glasses up her nose.

'And the answer is, in about two and a half minutes.'

This got a general chuckle. I couldn't help glancing at my watch.

'See, I didn't realise what this would all be like. I was sure this all had to be bullshit, somewhere. But, maybe there is a layer of bullshit, but, I can't find it.'

She raised her head and looked them in the face.

'You're all able to just play and have fun. And that's... great. I wish I could do that, but I'm shit at fun. I dunno how to do it.'

She actually sort of smiled at them, helpless, and shrugged.

'And that's why I can't do anything, here. I can't meet you halfway. I want to, but I can't, and I've been telling meself that it's 'cos you're too light and fluffy, but it's really 'cos I'm too heavy and sad.

'See, I always feel like I'm wrong. That I'm out of place. And what the mud does, is it gets me used to that, and it makes me okay with it.

'It's like they say, dirt is matter that's out of place. When I make myself dirty, I feel like it's only natural. But it's not fun. I need it, 'cos I feel like dirt most of the time. But you can play in it. And that's amazing. But I can't.'

She paused, and I could see that she was thinking furiously about how much time she had left to make her point, because she was convinced that they weren't remotely fucking interested in what she had to say, and only wanted her to shut the fuck up.

'Like, when Harper asks Gwen if she's been a dirty whore, it's play. 'Cos Harper's a lovely person who knows Gwen isn't a dirty whore. But when Gwen's dad asks his daughter something like that...'

Gwen took a deep breath.

'That's fucking dirty,' TCB said. 'That's not something a dad should ever say to his daughter. I mean he's your dad, he's ill, so, allowances, but...'

Gwen nodded.

'I don't know how you handle it,' TCB said to her, 'never mind handle it like you do. But, you do. And so, huge respect, Gwen. Huge.'

She nodded, and stopped and stared at the floor and swallowed.

'Anyway, I'm gonna shut up now, but the only other thing I wanted to say is, the fact that you thought you should say sorry to me, 'cos I overheard that... when you didn't have a fucking thing to apologise for...'

She bit her lip for a moment, and nodded to herself.

'But if you thought you did, 'cos of what I'm like... then I'm the one who's fucking sorry. I'm gonna shut up now.'

She sat on the floor, looking abject.

I glanced at my watch. Two minutes and twenty-five seconds.

There was a long silence.

TCB sat, staring at the floor. Awaiting whatever anyone chose to throw at her.

Gwen got off her bean bag and sat on the carpet opposite her.

Then, without getting up, she skooshed on her bottom over to TCB, a few inches at a time. It took her so long to do, maybe half a minute, and was so silly, that even TCB had to smile slightly.

When she reached TCB, she stopped.

'Peggy,' she said, 'is it okay if I give you a hug?'

TCB nodded and knelt up. Gwen knelt up and hugged her, and TCB cautiously hugged her back.

It went on for a long time, and, slowly, TCB's grip on her strengthened, and her shoulders relaxed, and she gave an audible sigh. Gwen kept on hugging her, with her eyes closed.

After a very long moment, they disengaged, and Gwen looked at TCB, and smiled.

'What you want to do, baby girl,' she said gently.

'I think, have a wash?' TCB said. Gwen nodded, as if this were the correct answer.

'Sensible.'

'Then, maybe... get pissed?'

'I'm down with that,' Gwen said.

'If you're gonna have a wash,' T. J. drawled, 'there is actually something you could do that would be super-fucking helpful.'

'Guys,' said TCB earnestly, looking at them all, 'I swear, anything.'

***

Ten minutes later we had gathered in the garden. Lights had been set up. Cameras were in hands. TCB was standing naked and dirty and resigned on the grass, and Gwen was holding the garden hose.

'All right,' T. J. said. 'Let's monetise this fucker.'

They started recording, and Gwen proceeded to hose TCB down.

The water was cold, and I had to admire how TCB handled it.

Not by shrieking with laughter, which is what almost anyone else would have done, but by an unstoppable torrent of gasping, f-words and self-recrimination.

'Fuck! Fuck. Fuuuuuck that's cold. So fucking cold. Fuck me. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. FUCK! I can do this, I can do this, I deserve this, I deserve this, I deserve this. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. Yes, yes, more water, need to be punished, need to be punished. Bad girl, horrible girl, bad bad bad. Fuck. Do me. C'mon. In my face, in my face, water in the face, c'mon.'

T. J. smiled broadly, but Harper and Jill were pissing themselves laughing, as Gwen gleefully played the hose water up and down TCB's body and into her face.

I was naked too, and after a few minutes they shoved me in next to her. I actually had soap, so I washed her, and then she washed me back, and when we were finally clean, but wet and freezing, Gwen turned off the hose and stepped up with towels and handed one to me and wrapped TCB up in the other and hugged her. There were actual cheers from the others.

'That was brilliant,' Gwen said, beaming. 'Thank you both.'

She looked around.

'I decree,' she said, 'that all of us who want to should get pissed, except T. J., who is exempt.'

'I would quite like to get slightly pissed anyway,' T. J. said.

'Then that is between you and your god,' Gwen said, and smiled at TCB, and smiled at me.

*

About two hours later, we were definitely more drunk.

I (Peggy) was dressed in some of Gwen's clothes, having run out of clean ones, and was lying on a bean bag, and Cal was close to me, which I liked. I had a plaster on my eyebrow where a stone had cut it.

Gwen was lying in Jill's lap, and Jill was stroking her hair and looking down at her, fondly.

'I'm sorry we didn't get to make a proper video,' I said.

'Meh,' T. J. said, smirking, 'it's still pretty fucking good.'

She had had one glass of wine and was positively squiffy.

'There are more important things in life than messy videos,' Harper said.

'Every collaboration doesn't work out,' Cal said.

'Yeah, there are some people who should never have worked with each other,' Jill said. 'Taylor Swift and Scooter Braun.'

'Paul McCartney and Stevie Wonder,' Chris said.

'Politics and religion,' T. J. said.

'Metallica and Lou Reed,' Cal said. 'That album fucking sucked.'

'That album fucking sucked because it was by Metallica and Lou Reed,' Jill said. 'Metallica sucks, and so does Lou Reed.'

'That's not fair,' Cal said. 'Metallica have some good songs. Lou Reed has about three albums' worth of good songs.'

'Only three albums?' Harper said. 'I've always heard that Lou Reed was this amazing fucking genius.'

'You've never listened to Lou Reed?' Cal said.

'He died when I was ten,' Harper said. 'Sorry. Fucking old people music.'

'Kids these days,' Gwen said to me, smiling.

'Aren't you their age?' I said, nodding at Harper.

'No,' Gwen said. 'I'm 26.'

'Fuck me. You look five years younger.'

'Money, sweetie,' she said.

'Right,' I nodded.

'As long as you aren't obsessed with earning it, it's rather good at easing stress.'

She gave me a look, then, a little rueful smile, which I liked. Then she sat up.

'Hey,' she said. 'I had this idea. And, if you don't like it, totally fine. Just a thought.'

'Tell me.'

'I've been wanting to find a way to make a video with you. Right? And apart from one jokey one, we've fucked up, because, we're too different, or whatever.'

'Yeah,' I said, feeling like she was getting at me. But I took a breath, and held that feeling off.

Gwen looked me in the eye for a moment.

'So,' she said, 'I would love for us to make a video with... just you, the way you do your videos. We've got great gear, great crew, the mud is amazing. We'll do it your way, you tell us what you want, we'll honour how you do it. Use us. No trying to make it more sexy, or anything. You'll have total control, but you won't have to worry about working the camera. You can just be in the mud.'

'Why would you want to do that?'

'Because I want to feel like what it's like to be you, and seeing you make a video is the best way I can think of.'

I absorbed this.

'Well,' I finally said, 'thank you for the offer, but I don't want to do that.'

'... Okay,' she said, and I could see how upset she was at me turning this down.

'But,' I said, 'I would do it, if you're in it with me.'

She looked up at me.

'You up for that? And, we'll start off clean. You undress, I'll cover you in mud, then I'll undress and cover myself, and we'll be in it together. And we'll be freezing together. That sound good?'

She smiled.

'I'm tired of doing it on my own,' I said, looking at Cal.

'Yeah,' she said, 'I would love that.'

'Can you do me too?' Cal said.

'Serious?' I said. He nodded.

'I mean, not if you don't want me to,' he said.

'Okay,' I said. 'Sure.'

'If we're having a freezing cold, naked and uncomfortable party,' Harper said, smiling, 'sign me up.'

'Oh, for fuck's sake,' Jill said, 'we need to go full Spencer Tunick, don't we. Count me in.'

'Um,' Gwen said, 'hang on, I'm going to have to stand there while Peggy does all of you? It'll take ages. I will freeze my tits off.'

'You're right,' I said. 'I'll do Gwen, and then one by one, anyone else who wants to can join in and do yourselves, but I'll supervise and make sure you're all covered, and I'll do myself at the end.'

'It could actually look pretty amazing,' T. J. said, smiling.

'Does it really calm you down?' Jill said. I nodded.

'It gets very noisy up here,' I said, pointing to her head. 'Being in the mud makes it quiet.'

'It's true,' Cal said. 'I can testify from personal experience.'

He looked at me.

'It does sort out the important from the unimportant,' he said.

*

TCB looked back at me, and she didn't exactly smile, but there was a light in her eyes.

'Hey, guys,' Harper said, 'it's three a. m. If we stay up, we could do it at dawn.'

'Uh,' Gwen said, 'I'm loving the sense of adventure, but, couple of things. One, I'm quite drunk, and I won't be sober enough to drive the Land Rover three hours from now. Two, I don't love the idea of us all doing it when we're pissed. And...'

She took out her phone and stared at it.

'... Apparently it's going to be a lovely bright morning tomorrow, but the forecast for dawn on Tuesday says low temperatures and rain.'

She looked at TCB.

'If we're going to walk the way of TotalCoverageBitch, I think low temperature and rain is more your style.'

'I mean,' TCB said, 'I don't want to force anyone to...'

'No, no,' Jill said, 'you've suffered for your art, now it's our turn.'

TCB laughed.

'Also,' Gwen said, 'it means we can actually plan this thing tomorrow.'

She looked inquiringly at TCB.

'You up for that? You're the director. Let's not just wing it. That's not how you do things. You decide when we shoot, how we shoot.'

'Um,' TCB said, 'just, before we... is everyone okay with this?'

She looked around nervously.

''Cos if I were you, I'd be a bit like, what, we're gonna let that fuckin' hysterical cunt run a shoot? I would totally understand if anyone felt like that.'

Gwen looked around the others, too.

Harper looked like they were waiting for someone else to make a decision.

Gav and Chris, likewise.

T. J. looked as unreadable as usual.

Jill looked at the others, and said to TCB, 'You're not gonna yell and scream at anyone?'

'I've only ever directed one person before,' TCB said, 'but, I will absolutely try my best not to yell and scream at anyone. I've no fucking clue what I'm doing, but, if any of you start getting pissed at my behaviour, please just tell me, and I'll, I'll try to do better. Is that okay?'

'Okay,' Jill said.

And on that note, we finally decided to go to bed.

***

TCB and I went upstairs to our room, and we brushed our teeth and set out our water, and then we turned our backs on each other, to get into our pyjamas.

When I turned around, TCB was standing on the other side of the bed, naked, exhausted, looking at me.

'Cal,' she said softly.

I wasn't sure what exactly she wanted me to do.

'It's been a long fucking day,' she said. 'I'm too knackered to have sex, but I'd really like you to hold me.'

I took off my t-shirt and pyjama trousers, and we got into bed, and she moved right into my arms.

As before, as soon as we were naked and TCB was close to me, I felt easier and calmer in every way. She rested her head on my shoulder.

'Just for future reference,' I said, sleep dragging me down into the mattress, 'you don't need to ask me to hold you. I really like holding you.'

'You say that now,' she breathed.

'I'll let you know if things change,' I said.

'Okay,' she said in a blurry voice. 'Funny thing. I don't really give a shit any more why you like me.'

'Good, cause I don't know.'

She shook, slightly. I thought she might be laughing.

'Don't fucking know either,' she said very quietly into my ear. 'It doesn't matter.'

She nestled into me.

I nodded.

And then we were out.