Breathless

Speaking of that dream I had about her going down on a German guy (weird dream if there ever was one), the night before she disappeared we had an argument, nothing major, just a squabble, but it left a bad feeling that lasted through the night, so I was surprised in the morning that before we got up she got a little playfully affectionate, sat up and on her way off the bed stopped to lightly kiss me, saying in effect, without words, "no hard feelings." It was clear she had none, her spirits were light and untroubled as usual (so it really seemed, anyway), and relations between us good again as ever. The cloud left by the fight had lifted with the morning sun. She lightly kissed, daubed her tongue at the center of my body on her way down and off the foot of the bed, stopped as if attracted, drawn there, kissed my thigh- her tongue left wet smoothness, cool, the side of my pelvis, daubing here and there and really pressing down and kissing.  

I definitely had hard feelings then. Ha ha. I thought, will we make love, will she go ahead and suck me, as in the photos I've taken of her doing it, will I actually behold that wonder with my eyes, feel it on my skin, the sensations, motion, rhythm I mentioned in my description of the dream. Will she make it real now, unexpected after our fight the night before, total delight?

I asked her, half-gasping, beaming with delight, and she smiled back, open, unguarded, loving, my loving wife, said, "I will but later," and I understood, she couldn't now, had to get up and start the day, and so did I, there was my work at the college.

I reached forward to her at the middle of the bed, nude like me, her body gleaming, even the sheets looking silvery in the morning light, tousled beneath her where she still crouched, palms down on the resilient mattress, half-rocking there, turned to me, then turned down again for a last look at my body so close below her, my hard extended prick. And I petted her hair to make clear I understood, bore no resentment for her leaving me in the lurch much less for the argument that had turned harsh, all of that anger gone now.  

Akemi stopped back in the early afternoon from her painting at the studio but there wasn't time for lovemaking then either. And I expected that, knew she had her dance class to go to. And watched and encouraged as she packed her change of clothes.

And then she left and didn't return, was gone! Yes, that's how it happened. I'm telling you, breathless now still from the shock of it, which hits with renewed full force every time I remember, look around the apartment and think, she isn't here, not just for the moment as usual but for... no idea how long, maybe forever! The very air shakes. So does the sun coming through the windows and hitting these empty walls.  

So I write. No one has to read, but it helps me through this time, anyway helps me survive, as of course I have to, the hours; the minutes pass seemingly independent of me, and I'm still here! If you do read, anyway, thanks, It's good to know that might be happening, there's a world out there where Akemi is and it might be a good one, she might be back!

Things happen as usual but feel haunted. I went to the supermarket and asked a worker in an aisle for help finding something and after the conversation saw him talking to the manager about it (I overheard). He said, "I hold that in the highest regard," apparently talking about me but using "that" instead of "him." It sounded a little like he was defending my honor, as if the manager had somehow impugned me.

Afterward I approached the manager, from curiosity (and I'm starved for social contact). I said of the worker, "He seems like a nice guy, but he isn't the brightest bulb in the room, is he?" He was a little learning-disabled, had learned the formulaic expression of respect somewhere but not how to use it.  

Of course I thought then of how Akemi and her friends speak English, idiosyncratically, with mistakes, naturally, but well, beautifully. It hasn't occurred to me to call any of Akemi's friends for help, by the way. We get along well but aren't close, our only connection really Akemi, who's absent now. God, I miss them all!

She hasn't been gone long. I shouldn't be so freaking upset. Maybe she stayed over at a friend's and forgot to call or even thought she had already. Did she say something and I missed it? She'd probably be surprised I've reacted like this. But I have! You would too!