Farewell, My Beautiful Friend

Author's note: this letter was written for someone I had a major crush on in the Lit chatrooms. I wrote it after she deleted her account suddenly and without explanation. It was my attempt to sort out my feelings, process my shock, come to terms with my unanswered questions, and ultimately move on. Obviously, no names or graphic details will be shared, out of respect for her privacy and mine.

I never thought I'd meet someone like you in a place like this. Someone who made me feel safe and seen. Someone I could have a regular conversation with just as easily as a sexy one. Someone with whom I could just unwind after playing and have "Lit pillow talk." A genuine personal connection and not just someone to have cybersex with. Now you're gone, and this place feels emptier to me.

A lot of my other Lit chats have involved an element of control. I've never really considered myself a Domme, but the idea of being in charge always felt intoxicating to me. That's what I mostly came to Literotica to explore. It was different with you. You and I felt like equals, and that affected me in a way I wasn't ready for. I've had many partners who were good writers, but you felt connected to me. I could feel your hunger and passion in every message. At the same time, though, it felt like you valued our conversations and never tried to push me to do anything I wasn't in the mood for, always letting me move at my own pace, never impatient, just happy to be there with me. Even when you took charge, you always asked me what I wanted -- always mindful of my preferences and boundaries, never needing to be reminded.

Maybe these things were just basic decency, but to me, they meant something more. I wasn't used to being remembered. I always assumed people forgot about me as soon as I stopped talking to them, both in real life and online. You made me realize I was wrong about that, and that's helped me see my interactions with others in a new way.

The first time we ever chatted, we indulged in a roleplay that ran far past my bedtime, and I ended up cutting it short with a quick goodbye and logoff. I felt terrible about that. I was sure you'd never want to talk to me again. But to my shock, you reached out again, on another night. It felt like you saw past the awkward things I wished I could have done differently and recognized something deeper in me.

You always created an atmosphere where I felt like I could say what was on my mind, without fear. I could feel my walls come down around you. I was guarded with some of my fetishes and sexual quirks because of how others might react to them, but I never felt afraid of sharing things with you. A lot of times, you even liked what you heard and were eager to indulge me. Then there were other times when I was too lost in my own thoughts to feel sexy, and you just held me and made me feel like everything was ok. No matter what we did together, I cherished every moment I spent talking to you.

As my feelings for you grew deeper, I started to ramble more about my insecurities, to be more emotionally raw. The filter slowly came off as I was able to share some of the emotional baggage I carried with you. I was always afraid it would put you off, but you never made me feel anything but welcome, supported, and understood.

I'll probably never know why you deleted your account. You didn't owe me a reason, but I wish I could have known something was wrong the last few times we talked. You seemed ok, and I'm just shocked that you could disappear so quickly. And why delete your account instead of just not logging into it? What could have happened to make such a dramatic step necessary? Was it something I said or did? Was I being too clingy, despite trying my best not to be? Was I too emotionally real, after all? Was I trying to be too much of a friend, when that wasn't what you wanted? Or was it something unrelated that you never told me about? Even if it has nothing to do with me, I'm worried: is everything ok in your life? I'm trying not to speculate too much, but the questions won't stop coming.

I feel like my world has shrunk without you here. It's lonely knowing I can't look forward to seeing you on a night when I can stay up late. I used to go to bed after our chats feeling warm and cared for. Now, sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night, wondering where you went, what you've been up to. It hurts that I didn't even get to say goodbye.

But in spite of this, I hope this decision has helped you. I hope you are happy and healthy, spending real life with people you love, doing things that fulfill you. I also hope I find someone in real life who makes me feel the way you've made me feel online. You made me feel things for another person that I hadn't felt in years. It had been so long since I'd had that kind of an attraction to someone, I was starting to think I was aromantic, and just trying to figure out how to be at peace with it. The few months that I spent talking to you made me realize that I am, indeed, still capable of feeling this way. I just hope it doesn't take another several years before it happens again.

Farewell, my beautiful friend. Thank you for everything you did for me. I appreciate it more than you can know.