Why was the Genie in a Beer Bottle?

Author's Note: This is a silly story.

One wish? Ain't it supposed to be three?

"Dammit, Jed, you don't make those big decisions without talkin' to your wife first!" I yelled at him in the hushed tones that proper ladies use at fancy BBQ restaurants like Soo-ee's Pig Pen.

"But the clock was tickin', honey. That genie didn't give me but a few seconds to make up my mind." Jed looked down, kickin' at the peanut shells on the floor and wringin' his hands, the way he did when he was stretchin' the truth a bit further than even his crooked-ass Momma would approve.

"You always got your mind in the gutter's the problem. If you wasn't always tryin' to slip your little pecker in my back door, you might'a got us somethin' good from that demon genie!"

"Can you blame me? We was just talkin' about how we was gonna go dancin' and maybe I was gonna get birthday lucky tonight."

Jed was right. I was practically shakin' my dump truck in his face right before I left for the ladies' room. When he snapped the cap off that bottle of beer and a fuckin' demon genie popped out, I shoulda been there to guide him.

"What the hell was a genie doin' in a bottle of beer?"

"He said it was a long story, and I could fuck off and waste my one wish if I wanted to hear it."

"One wish? Ain't it supposed to be three?"

"He told me one. Maybe he was lyin', but when I made my wish, he waved his hands around and then shot me a pair of finger guns."

That was when the magic happened. At the time I didn't know about the genie and Jed's wish, but I felt a kind of twinkly swoosh wash across my belly as I settled down comfortably on the toilet seat. Just like that, the reason I went to the ladies' room was gone. I felt empty down there.

"Did you even ask if I was gonna be okay?"

"Of course I did, Nella. You're the most important thing in the world to me, besides my new F-250."

I couldn't help but smile. That was Jed really sayin' how much he loved me.

"And what did the genie say?"

Jed beamed proudly. "He said it was such a great wish that he wasn't gonna even try to fuck with you to teach me a lesson. Then he up and disappeared in a puff of smoke."

"How exactly did you phrase your wish? I mean word for word."

Jed cleared his throat and sat up formal and straight with his hands clenched on the table, like he was recitin' a speech at school. "Make it so Nella's always prepped and clean for gettin' a good butt-fuckin'." He quickly pointed a finger at me and added, "And for tongue-fuckin' her bottom too."

I dropped my chin and slapped my hand over my face, just like Homer Simpson. At least I didn't say "D'oh!"

That's when Tina rolled the food trough up to our table and started servin' up the ribs and fixin's. There didn't seem like much more to talk about, and I was mighty hungry.

Takin' My Shiny New Bottom Out for a Test Drive

Back at the trailer Jed was practically bouncin' off the walls. He was excited to get down to business, and frankly, so was I.

"Get in there and take a good shower, Mister! Tops and tails... tops and tails!" Rib night was a messy affair, and sauce gets in all the wrong places.

While he was doin' his business, I was in the other bathroom doin' a little self-inspection. Everything looked normal. Nuthin' got moved around or closed off. I poked my fingers everywhere that neither a tongue nor cock belongs, and it was spotless and surprisingly well lubricated.

And then there was my pubes. I'm not one for keepin' everything trimmed down there--too much effort to fight off nature's will, I always say. But now my bush was a perfect triangle above my coochie, a thick tuft of hair that looked like it just came from the hairdresser.

The usual trail of stragglers that went past my pussy to surround my butthole was gone, like it was lasered off. And my butthole, formerly the standard brown patch of skin with a knurled balloon knot in the middle, was now shiny, pale pink, and neatly puckered. If this was a trade-out, it kinda sucks for the girl who got stuck with my trainwreck-lookin' bunghole.

Back when we was still datin', Jed nicknamed my butthole "Lucy," and I thought it was funny as hell. We was pretty drunk, but the name stuck. My back-door confidence level was high and I was excited to take ol' Lucy for a test drive.

I picked out fiery red babydoll lingerie with a super-thin thong panty. It had lots of pretty lace and chiffon, which draped nicely off my smokin' hot cougar body. Standin' in front of the mirror, lookin' back over my shoulder to get a good view of my bottom, I winked in approval at my reflection. Momma always said angels kissed my face and demons shaped my body.

Despite bein' the momma of two teenage daughters, I never let my body go to pot. Based on the attention I got from my girls' boyfriends, I was a MILF with all the right curves in all the right places. Maybe my hips were a little wider than they used to be, my ass had more jiggle than before, and my tits hung a little lower now, but the overall package was top-notch for my age.

Jed came out of the shower buck nekkid, towelin' off his shoulder-length dark hair. He had a little bit of a limp from a "traffic accident" that ended up payin' for his truck. But damn, that man still looked good for his age. His body was tight, maybe a little thin for some, but he was all sinewy muscle and farmer's tan from workin' in the sun.

He was already sportin' an impressive half chub. He might have rubbed out a quick load in the shower to give himself some extra stayin' power, but he was notorious for a quick recovery, even if he didn't. Watchin' it swing back and forth as he walked was hypnotic, and I started salivatin' at the thought of gettin' my lips on that thing.

"Was that genie tellin' the truth?"

"Seems like it. And he threw in some bonus goodies. I think you'll like 'em." Jed didn't care what my back door looked like as long as it was clean enough to snack on.

Jed leaped onto the bed, nekkid as a jaybird, landin' flat on his back with his legs bouncin' up in the air. His pecker stuck straight up, and I got a front-row view of his wrinkled-up ball sack and the dark crack of his ass.

When he stopped bouncin', I slipped into my best sexy reveal pose. I pulled the tie loose on my red satin robe and let it fall off my shoulder. I thrust out my chest some. It didn't take much because the lingerie bodice did a nice job of liftin' my tits up and smushin' them together to make an impressive display of cleavage.

Lookin' over my shoulder at Jed, I fluttered my long, fake eyelashes, and let the robe fall wide open. With a little shimmy, I let the silky fabric slip off my shoulders and fall to my feet.

I arched my back, thrustin' my hips and ass out. With my hand on my hip, I extended a leg, flexin' my calf muscle and pointin' my toes. The black stiletto heels showed off my legs and added a hitch to my stance, makin' my ass cheeks more prominent.

Jed pursed his lips and whistled. I knew what my man liked, and this was at the top of the list. This lingerie might come off faster than I'd gotten it on, but it was all part of the show.

He sat up on the edge of the bed and pulled me toward him, wrappin' his arms around me and burrowin' his face between my tits. He snuggled in, lettin' my pillowy boobs slide against his cheeks. I straddled his legs and thrust my crotch against his chest.

His hands explored my back, one hand slidin' up beneath my long, dark hair to grasp my neck, while the other slipped down to cup an ass cheek. He kneaded it as he pulled me down for a deep, probin' kiss.

Reachin' down, I grabbed his cock at the base in a firm grip. I pulled, stretchin' him to the limit and strokin' him hard the way he liked it. He moved his lips to my ear and moaned quietly as he began to nibble and suck at my earlobe. I'm a sucker for gettin' my ears tickled, and Jed played me like a fiddle while I jerked him off.

His fingers traced down to the back of the lingerie. With practiced confidence he released the hooks of the bodice. He pulled back to let the lacy fabric fall away. My tits jiggled freely, invitin' his attention. He took a nipple between his lips and suckled and licked. It firmed up in response, and he switched to the other. I mewled like a kitten at the sensation.

Tuggin' the small patch of fabric aside, Jed pulled me down onto his pulsin' cock. I've never needed much stimulation to get lubricated, but with these new updates to my body, my box dripped like a leaky faucet. He pushed himself against the folds of my pussy and easily slipped past.

I pushed down onto his lap, and he filled me with his full length in one thrust. A buzzin' shudder rolled through my body. My eyes widened and I swear I felt the sensation all the way into the hair on my head. My skin prickled with excitement as I sensed every inch of Jed's cock slidin' into me. I lifted off him and came down. He jerked his hips up to add to the thrustin'. We moved in a rhythmic crescendo of fuckin' that sent my mind reelin'.

The scent of honeysuckle surrounded us, swirlin' in a gentle breeze that cooled my skin. A sweet honey taste flooded my mouth, mixed with the sweat that I licked off Jed's shoulders. I hadn't turned on any music, but in the background I swear I heard a flute playin' softly over the rushin' splash of a mountain stream.

My heart raced and I felt the familiar tingle and twitchin' of an orgasm ready to go, but there was somethin' more. My whole body tensed like a spring, as if I might shoot my blessed soul to the moon with this climax. When the explosive shudder roared through my body, I felt it in every cell, an almost unbearable lightnin' strike of pure pleasure.

The aftershocks continued for almost a minute, uncontrolled tremblin' that gracefully faded. Afterward, a joyful peace settled over me, and I became intensely aware of Jed's imminent release.

He rammed his full length into me, embracin' me in a bear hug to pull me against him. I've heard Jed gruntin' as he was about to cum a thousand times, but I've never heard the sounds he made as he built up to let this load go. It seemed almost as if he was in pain, like from years of holdin' back.

His body tensed, every wiry muscle taut as a guitar string. My pussy was so sensitive to the presence of his cock, I honestly sensed the throbbin' flow of his cum from his balls, along his shaft, explodin' deep into my hungry insides.

Pulse after pulse of thick, ropey cum blasted my womb. It filled me and flowed out, poolin' in his thick, matted pubes. As I gloried in the wet warmth of our lovemakin', it soon became clear that Jed was holdin' onto me to keep from collapsin'.

We fell onto the bed and lay there catchin' our breath for several minutes. I relaxed in a state of outrageous satisfaction from a mind-blowin' orgasm. Jed traced circles on my belly and took great joy in runnin' his fingers through my carefully coiffed bush.

"That was a pretty good start, don'tcha think?" Jed said.

"Start? Holy crap, if we stop right now that was still the best sex I've ever had."

"Yeah, but we haven't taken your shiny new bottom out for a test drive."

"True. I'm likin' the changes that demon genie made so far."

"Don'tcha want to know all the other things that demon genie did to you... the stuff I asked for?"

"I know you wanna see what else that demon genie did. But me, I'm a little worried. If a regular pussy fuckin' almost made my head explode, what's a magical butthole gonna do?"

"Only one way to find out." Jed got on his knees beside the bed and pulled me to him, slidin' me onto my back. I lifted my head and looked across my chest and belly toward him as he pulled my panties off. Pullin' my legs back and grabbin' my knees, I exposed my bottom directly at his grinnin' face.

"Get on in there--oh my..." Jed wasted no time plungin' his tongue deep into my asshole. He lapped and probed, slurpin' and suckin' at my pink puckered hole with the gusto of an anal artist.

For whatever reason, from the beginnin' of our relationship he had a wild kink for tastin' my taboo treat. He was so committed to his filthy desires that I went from thinkin' he was a freaky pervert to delightin' in this dirty deed. I truly enjoyed the way he used his tongue and fingers to prep my asshole to receive his cock. And now he was goin' at it with even more intensity than usual.

"Mmmmph, mmmm, mmmhhh," Jed said. "This is crazy, babe. Your asshole tastes like sweet honey wine. I'm not kiddin', I might be gettin' a little buzz from this."

"Bring it up here, Jed. I want to taste it on your lips." He came up and we locked into a long, probin' kiss. He wasn't jokin'--it was delicious and I didn't want to stop tastin' myself from his lips. He had to pull away to get back down to business.

Usually, gettin' my ass painted by his tongue was a pleasant enough experience but not nearly stimulatin' enough to take me to the edge. But now I was already feelin' the early signs of another orgasm. I began to twist and moan, grabbin' him by his long hair to pull him in tighter to my asshole.

As the tremors began to roll through my body, I felt Jed pull back. Lookin' down between my tits, I saw him leanin' back with his mouth hangin' wide open. A yellow glow lit his face from below, as if I was sittin' on a flashlight.

"I don't know what's happenin', Nella, but I need to fuck your ass--like right now!"

He stood, his pecker bouncin' in time with his heartbeat. Without waitin' for my permission to proceed, he pushed the tip of his cock against my puckered sphincter. My asshole welcomed him in, as if it were vacuumin' him into me. In moments he plunged himself to the hilt. He seemed to have trouble pullin' back.

"Your asshole don't want to let go of my cock!" He pulled back with more force and slowly my sphincter muscles released him. The suction tugged at my guts as if to draw them out with his cock. Every nerve around my anus was firin' at maximum stimulation and my mind was explodin' like fireworks.

"Relax, honey, relax. You're gonna hurt yourself... and me," Jed said.

I blinked, snappin' out of the hypnotic state I had fallen into. With a lot of effort, I was able to unclench my asshole enough to allow Jed to give me a proper ass-fuckin'. The sensation was magical, beyond description.

Jed tried his best not to cum too soon, but he was strugglin'. Through some miracle, he held himself together for several minutes before tensin' up and releasin' another truckload of semen deep into my guts.

I felt every spurt like he was squirtin' Tiger Balm out of his cock. It was both hot and cold at the same time as it oozed around my insides and dripped out of my asshole.

When he pulled out, the light comin' from my asshole filled the room. Jed glowed as he stood up and backed away, both spellbound and terrified by what had just happened.

Then we both noticed that his limp was gone.

The Genie Returns

Jed walked around the room, stretchin' and twistin' around on his healed leg. He did a few karate kicks he had seen in old martial arts movies.

"This is crazy, Nella. Your new asshole done fixed me."

I was checkin' to see if the light had finished shinin' out of my butt. It took several minutes, but it finally dimmed to a faint glow. What the hell did that genie do?

At that moment, a blast of wind radiated from the center of the room and a large, olive-green-skinned man popped into existence, floatin' on a cloud of smoke. His eyes were glowin' yellow and rimmed in blood red.

Jed instinctively dropped into a defensive karate movie position. Seein' as he was butt-nekkid, his pecker dangled like a butcher shop sausage, slappin' around from side to side.

Pullin' the sheet up to cover my tits, I gawked at the intruder.

"Dammit, genie! You scared the shit out of me," Jed said.

The genie ignored him, instead focusin' on me and the slight yellow glow that was still visible through the sheet.

Shakin' his head, he muttered to himself in some sort of genie language. Not sure what he said, but it looked like he was afraid of some trouble.

"Are you gonna introduce me to your friend, Jed?"

"Right, yeah, of course. Sorry 'bout that. Genie this is Nella. Nella this is the genie."

"You've already used Pazuzu's anus?"

"Hell yeah. What a ride. And it fixed my gimpy leg."

"Yes, it will do that. I need it back."

"What's Pazoozoos?" I asked.

"He is the rightful owner of that sacred butthole that I should never have given you."

"He? Like Pazoozoos is a man?"

"Pazuzu is the King of the Winds, a celestial being of unimaginable power. He has the face of a dog, bulging eyes, a scaly body, and a snake-headed cock. On his feet are shredding talons that strike fear in his foes. Four wings unfold majestically from his back. And, somehow, that spectacular anus is his proudest feature."

I stared hard at the genie, tryin' to get a handle on what he was sayin'. It seemed like a good time to go with my instincts and not my brain.

"Bullshit. I've seen a few buttholes in my day, and this magnificent work of art is all woman."

"Silence, fool! At this moment an angry god wants to know why he has a knurled-up, rather unpleasant looking sphincter bulging out of a patch of dry, brown-tinted skin. Also, he's never needed to shit before, so that's got him in a bit of a mood."

The genie turned to Jed and puffed himself up to his most intimidatin' stature. "You must withdraw the wish immediately."

I cut Jed off just as he was about to speak. "Don't say nuthin', Jed." Lookin' directly in the genie's eyes, I saw through his tough talk. There was a quiver of fear in his pursed lips.

"First off, it's my butthole now. And I like it. Second, if you want it back so bad, just take it."

The genie looked down and mumbled. "It was a granted wish. You must surrender it freely."

"Well, that's another matter then, ain't it? What are you gonna give me for it?"

"You have already enjoyed supernatural anal sex so transcendent that your man's leg is miraculously healed."

"He's gonna have to limp around in public for at least another year anyways. It's not our first dealin's with insurance companies."

"I will grant another wish."

"Well, from what Jed told me, you like to punish people and teach lessons to folks who ask for wishes. You're a demon trickster, and I'll not have you pullin' no scams on us."

The genie looked appalled by the accusation.

"Jed! Go fetch that Bible we stole from that La Quinta motel!"

"Wait... wait. Okay, no tricks. Whatever you want."

"I want to keep this butthole."

The genie tensed up and glared at me. Maybe I was stretchin' my luck.

"Just kiddin'. How about you start by tellin' the truth about where this butthole came from and why you gave it to me."

"Fair enough, you wicked woman," he said. "The hallowed anus belongs to the ancient Babylonian goddess Inanna. She is the most beautiful of the ancient deities, an infinite fountain from which pure sexuality and sensuousness flow. She's also a goddess of war and strife. And she's pissed."

"I knew it. That pucker was too perfect to belong to a man." I gloried in my brilliance for a moment until I remembered what we was really talkin' about. "Why'd you steal her butthole?"

"Short answer... I was quite drunk. Through a series of embarrassing events, the Brewmaster at a local microbrewery imprisoned me in that beer bottle for weeks."

"I been in similar situations myself," Jed said, knowingly noddin' his head.

"Shush, Jed! Me and this demon genie is doin' business."

"Also," the genie said, "Jed's wish was a perfect description of Inanna's divine anus." The genie smiled slightly, as if recallin' a fond memory.

Jed, on the other hand, sniggered like a schoolboy hearin' a dirty joke. I love that man, but his pitchfork ain't got all three tines.

"Well, my Lord and Savior says your pagan gods are all minions of the devil, so I don't want no demon asshole as a back door. Let's work out some details where your Nanna gets her bottom back and Jed and I make enough dinero to live comfortably."

"State your wish. I do not want to make Inanna wait another moment."

"Hold on. Makin' hasty decisions is what got you in trouble in the first place. How about a drink while we powwow?"

"I've no time--"

"Jed, go fetch us that bottle of Jack Daniel's that we're savin' for your niece's baptism party. Pour us all a shot."

Jed went and got the bottle of whiskey and three of our fanciest collector shot glasses from our favorite casinos. A warm scent of fine Tennessee whiskey spread through the bedroom, removin' the urgency from the situation as far as I was concerned. That demon genie might be in a hurry, but I was sippin' and thinkin' on what we could get for this snazzy butthole.

It took a couple of offers before the genie accepted the reality of the situation and took the drink Jed offered. He tossed the shot back like they do in old westerns and threw the glass back at Jed. "Have the imbecile dispense another," he said to me, as if Jed was no longer part of the conversation.

The muscles in my neck tensed and I clenched my jaw, but I held my tongue. I gestured slightly for Jed to do the same.

"Dispense another for our guest."

Before weed became legal, Jed might have struggled with the word "dispense," but now he was very familiar with what a dispensary was.

The genie quickly downed four shots while I sipped at my first like a bird. It didn't take long to see that the Jack was workin' its magic on him.

"Look, Nella," the genie said, wavin' his shot glass around to put some extra punch in his words. "I need to get that snooty asshole her snooty asshole before she turns me into a cockroach. She is not fond of your shit pipe."

"Well, I've enjoyed the time I've had with this bottom hole, but I'm partial to my original equipment. As it sits, Jed's gonna expect to fuck me in the ass every time. It'll take away from the specialness, even if it is magical."

Jed nodded his head eagerly. I could see from the way his little soldier was standin' up that he was thinkin' about gettin' in there right now. I turned my butt away from him, just in case he got any ideas.

"Tell me what you desire, and I will grant your wish. I tire of your delays."

"Well, let's start with the number of wishes. Traditionally, Jed should have got three. Were you tryin' to rip off my man?"

"My obligation is for only one. Sometimes I offer more if I suspect there is fun to be had with foolish wishes."

"Well, like I said, there will be no tomfoolery happenin' with my three wishes. That's the first ground rule. I expect you to be a demon genie of your word. Understood?"

"Of course, dear Nella. Three wishes are acceptable in exchange for what I ask. However, if you continue to drag this out, I reserve the right to subtract wishes. Make your request now or I will reduce it to two wishes."

"Fair enough. Lemme think this through... we want money, maybe a big lottery win. Scratch that, make it a world record lottery win, and I don't want to split it with nobody else."

"Done." A slip of paper with numbers typed on it appeared in his hand. "In three months and seven days, go to your favorite vendor and select these numbers for the MaxiMoney Millions Lottery. Memorize the numbers now."

The edges of the paper began to burn. I looked around frantically for a pen, but there wasn't one in sight. By the time I looked back the flames were about to consume the numbers. Desperate to memorize them, I started to call them out: "13, 21, 34, 55, 89." Before I could say them out loud twice the numbers were gone.

"Hey! We had a deal. No trickin' me."

"No tricks, Nella, just remember the first number, 13. After that it is the Fibonacci sequence for the next four numbers."

"What do I know about some fuckin' fibbin' nazi sequence? You're tryin' to screw me over. I ain't givin' you nuthin' back--"

"Trust me, Nella. It's a very familiar mathematical sequence. Look it up online and you'll see your numbers right before your eyes. Fibonacci, F-I-B-O-N-A-C-C-I. Ask anyone who remembers their high school math."

I scowled at the demon genie, still unsure if I could trust him. I grabbed my phone and typed the word into my browser. Even misspellin' it, the search engine knew what I meant. Sure enough, the next four numbers after 13 were exactly the ones I'd called out.

"Okay, I guess you're tellin' the truth. Now, wish number two. I want for me and Jed to have long, healthy lives. Nuthin' too long, maybe 100 or somethin', but a real quality life. Not broken down or with the dementos... or trapped in prison or anything nasty. I want us to enjoy our lives together."

"Done. Now it is up to you to keep your relationship healthy. Or separate on good terms if that is your choice. I can't control that."

"Fair enough." I felt that same twinkly swoosh over my entire body. Behind me I heard Jed take a sudden, sharp breath.

"I feel... I don't know how to describe it, Nella, except, like... young. I feel young," Jed said.

Before my eyes, years of hard labor fell away from him like a layer of dust. He stood taller, with smoother skin that didn't show the creases and witherin' that come from workin' in the blazin' sun. The Jed I remembered from our first date stood there. His body was still muscular, but more filled out, less wiry. His eyes were bright and hopeful. Twenty years of hard livin' and hard drinkin' were gone in a few moments.

I could tell by the way he looked at me that he was seein' the same effect. And I felt great.

"You'll still age, but I've reset the clock a bit and time will be kinder to your body than it has been so far."

Jed and I stared at each other, mouths hangin' wide open. My tits were sittin' high and proud again, no longer pulled south by gravity and nursin' two babies. And Jed's cock was rock hard and pulsin' like it was ready to snap off his body and jump into my first available hole.

"You done good, Mr. Genie," Jed said.

Nuthin' I could have said would have added to that.

"Thank you. And now for your last wish."

"Hold on. Lemme get somethin'." I went to the closet and moved a few boxes around until I got to an unmarked package that I always hid so the kids wouldn't find it. I unfolded the box flaps and pulled out a large, heavy silicone sex toy in the shape of a perfect ass and vagina, but without all the rest of the body.

"This here is Grace, a silicone sex doll with a heart-shaped ass. Best on the market."

"Dammit, Nella, that's our secret toy. You don't need to be bringin' that out to show our guest."

"Lemme explain, Jed. I got an idea."

"Go on," the genie said, strokin' his chin.

Epilogue

It's been a couple of great years since we last saw that demon genie. I got my original plumbing back, and we got the money, just like he said. We took it in a lump sum 'cause we don't trust the government. I hired a lawyer to watch our financial manager, and a second financial manager to watch the lawyer. I don't trust lawyers either.

Jed and I are still as madly in love as two teenagers can be. We went through the whole thing of buyin' houses, cars and toys, gettin' homes for our Mommas and takin' crazy vacations. But we stopped before it became a problem and instead focused on our new business.

We manufacture, market and sell the number one brand of silicone sex toys in the world. It's all American-made by trained master silicone artists. We use only the finest, safest materials and our proprietary true-to-life silicone skin that no one comes close to duplicatin'.

But what really sets us apart, what you can only get from our company, is our unique product line. Each product is modeled on the actual physical attributes of ancient pagan goddesses and gods from around the world. As I suspected, if there was one thing all these minions of the devil were good at, it was fuckin'.

It should come as no surprise that our two best sellers are the massive Pazuzu Vibrating Snakehead Cock® and the self-lubricatin', easy clean-up Inanna Fuck Doll® with a generously squirtin' vagina and glowin' anus.