August 29-30 2026

Well it's after midnight so it's the next day now. I need to go lay down for a while and try to get at least an hour of sleep. It will help my head. But it should also help my pain. Living in pain just sucks. I wish pain on no one. Okay maybe a few people. I have four autoimmune diseases and fibromyalgia. Which in itself is hell. You take all of that and combine them now you understand a bit more of why I'm in pain. One of these days I will explain more. For now you got this. I used to live at a pain scale of about seven daily. I was given a shot a few months back that made the pain go from a seven down to a four-five. I recently found out that this shot wasn't covered by my insurance. I don't know what I will do without it. When it bumps to ten don't touch me, don't move and don't look at me. Those days are hell. All of this makes it hard to live life to the fullest. When you're in this amount of pain.

I use sex as an escape from it. I used to have a Dom who passed away a little over a year ago. He would beat my ass. Like beat it. It would be red as fuck with bruise that he managed to give me from smacking my ass. He even punched my butt and hips. He was given permission to do this. Though we did have to talk about it the next day. My normal pain did not like that amount of pain. It felt great when it was happening. With him spanking my ass and everything. It would help channel my pain to the pain on my ass vs all the rest of the pain. I haven't found someone who spanks like this and that I trust enough to let spank me like this. I'm not sure if I will ever find a guy who spanked me like he did. Spanks after spanks. Hard spankings. His hands were not small. His hand took up a cheek. My Dom and I were very popular at the sex club we went to. I still go at times but it's not like it used to be when he was still here. The no spankings sucks the most. I get some spanking but not like him. Nor do I just stand up and bend over to get spanked like I did for him.

It was an adjustment period and it still gets to me at times. Not having him there anymore. We both fed off of each other's energy. Maybe one of these days I will find that person again. I know the person will not be him. I know they will be different but still finding someone that gives me the similar energy and spanking hands. I like floggers, crops and paddles. However he did not need them. His hands were the best. Honestly I prefer hands over the others. But the others make for a good massage. When he would spank me at the club, oftentimes we would have a big crowd watching him spanking me.

Okay nap time. I got more work in a few hours. So I'm trying to squeeze in a nap.

Okay this going to nights isn't working. I can't seem to sleep during the day. I got two hours of sleep earlier today but that's it. Other than what I got in the middle of the night last night which was like four hours. So I'm going to start earlier in the morning. I tend to do well when I start early in the morning. I just got to stop staying up so late. With the weather cooling down that should help as well with getting to bed at a more reasonable time. Start between midnight and 3am. Then I should be done between 6-10am depending on when I start.

I'm also going back to my other job part time. One day a week. I miss my people there. (I never actually did this.)

I don't remember when I found my first diaper porn film. But I do know I was so hot and bothered by it that I was like holy shit balls. LOL. At this point I have watched so many diaper porn films on top of all the ABDL stories I have read on Literotica. I have always called it diaper porn. This was way before I knew what or anything about ABDL. Then it wasn't long after that I was like oh that is me.

As I have been writing these stories I have done some soul searching within as well. I'm learning more of who I am and what I want. After a 13 year relationship ended. You start to really look at yourself. I'm still not fully sure of all my needs yet. I have figured out a few of them. I just don't know if one guy can provide me with every single thing I want. I'm also not sure I would want the person that is my Daddy for my ABDL stuff. If I would also want him beating my ass calling me a slut. But if I had a person who did everything. I wouldn't need more than one man.

It's like a mate bond. Find the person who makes you a better person and makes you feel completed. That hopefully loves your kinks. Is there one person really out there for me? Where the fuck has he been? I wasn't expecting to wait until my 40s plus for fucking mister right to show up. Then again I haven't been divorce for a year yet. So I guess I can't expect that. In this short amount of time. Hopefully before I'm 100 and I can enjoy life a bit. I mean I guess I would hope before I ended up in a nursing home in diapers. LOL I'm trying to make you all laugh at something. So hopefully that made you laugh. I know I chuckled about it.

My life was turned upside down when he passed. I had no idea how much he was a part of me or how much he meant to me. I would tell him about all the guys. Feels crazy not talking to him about the guys anymore was one of my favorite things to talk to him about. He would talk to me about his girls. When he passed that whole month was hell for me. I finally came out of it. Until I left my ex husband. Got my own place all the damn things he and I would have done. Then one of my other guys who I have a very complex relationship with. He came back into the picture. Then I became an emotional wreck. Because they were both Doms. Both of them Dom me. I could see the two of them becoming friends bonding over football. Then I could see the both of them Dom me together. They would be doing some tag teaming on me. There is just so much the two of them would have done to me. That caused me to have a huge breakdown.

Then the most recent one was like two months ago. I went to the club. I meant him at. I have been there tons of times since he passed but for whatever reason that night hit hard like a ton of bricks. I almost lost it at the club. I cried a lot on the way home and I couldn't leave my house for two days. I was a basket case. Everything made me cry.

So it was a lot. I used to write stories for him. I love writing. I finally came back to it about 11 months after he passed.

I haven't been in a diaper for how long? Seems like weeks. LOL. I know it's only been days. It still fuckings sucks thought. It's been four days since I wet my diaper. What's wrong with me? Trying to focus on working and not being an ABDL. Who wants to wear a diaper and piss in her diaper.

I know I know adulting sucks! I agree.

Sometimes you just have to accept that adulting takes over way more of any one person's time. It is what it is. Oh fun, laundry stopped. LOL. At least I got caught up on laundry.

I'm going to put the book away for the night, go put the pads in the dryer and make my way to bed.

I need my beauty sleep.

Good night Daddy.

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August 30 2026

Well today was a busy day. WOW!

So I went back to the days because the nights weren't working out. So last night I went to bed and slept for 12 hours. Yes, I got up for the bathroom. I tried setting some alarms but every time I woke up I was just as tired. I slept for that long also without any of my normal night time medicine. Because I took them that morning to sleep during the day which didn't happen. So yeah. I'm about to head to bed. With my medicines tonight.

It's been a very off day for me. Let me tell you.

I became an adult and worked a bit today. At least I did some. Better than not doing anything.

Night Night Daddy

P. S. Six days into the new book and I haven't had sex. What the fuck? LOL

Part of that is i'm not in the mood to chase the guys they know I like to fuck. Message me about coming over.

Like DUH!

If you been t o my house you know your welcome here just fucking ask.

I don't understand men sometimes. But I can also understand not wanting to get turned down as well. But how you think us women feel when you turn us down. It's a two way street there.

I guess I was asked about sex but I turned him down.

I had to add a timer on my drama shows along with my phone going to sleep at 7pm. So that I get off the games and shows and get to bed.

Okay okay really good night Daddy.