Tim Goodwood, Accidental Hedonist Ch. 01

My name is Tim Goodwood, and I was raised to be a people-pleaser, I do not like to offend people, and I always say yes when asked if I want to do things... here is the first part of my story.

I had to go to Leicester of all places, for my Rural Real Estate Agent course; this was arranged because nobody wanted to go to Leicester University and so they moved some compulsory industry courses there.

Leicester is the place where the tube will go when they next give England an enema.... it is an unlovely collection of 2-up, 2-down hovels which back onto walled, cobbled yards that connect with dank, and mouldering alleyways full of undernourished and unwashed kids.

These kids are accomplished at spitting, swearing and smoking by the age of nine; one hoped they would be too sickly to breed.

Houses are so cheap that I contemplated buying an entire street rather than renting a room but at least renting meant a quick escape when the time came.

I chose my accommodation for its secure garage and its proximity to the hospital, I felt sure I would need it as I succumbed to some dreadful disease or other. If I was Chinese, I would have worn a facemask all day and all night.

The landlady at my digs, Val, was somewhere between 45 and 60 with greying hair, green eyes and saggy tits. I couldn't understand a word she said at first due to her thick midlands accent. I tried to find a "Midlands to English" dictionary but met with failure at every turn.

She had an 18-year old son (Herman), who was a bit simple, to say the least, and no husband; he had apparently run off with a (male) door to door salesman who sold vacuum cleaners. The food wasn't bad though, as long as you like meat and two veg every day.

My bedroom door had no lock, the toilet seat was split, and the bed creaked every time I masturbated. As the door didn't lock, I took to jerking off in the shower when nobody was around as her little shit of a son thought it was really funny to flush the toilet, so the shower went cold and that sort of spoilt the mood.

Well for the first few weeks he did anyway.

One evening I had just got back from my course and was sharpening my pencils, the bedroom door crashed open.

"Please knock next time" I said this without looking up from my pencils.

"A'hm tut man in this 'ouse and ah give tut orders rahnd 'ere me duck" His Leicester accent strangled his vowels and stamped on his consonants. "Tut" is Midlands for "The", they all talk like that... and they call everyone "Me Duck".

"Excuse me?" I looked up at the odious little child and fixed him with a steely glare.

"Yew 'eard us, I give tut orders and you fookin' obey" He admonished with pre-pubescent arrogance.

The tiny tyrant, well, not so tiny, he was a fat little fucker from all that meat and two veg, handed me a piece of paper and on it was a list of demands, all written (badly) in blue pen.

It read, and I will use his spelling to preserve the accuracy of the moment, like this.

Rools of mye house

1: Yew wil give me sixpence on dimand (sixpence is money in Midlands language)

2: Yew will do as I say

3: Yew will give me chokolat every week

4: Yew wil tidy mye rum (I think he meant room as there was no booze in the house)

5: Yew wil kleen my Ferret cage (people in this part of the country had some weird affinity with Ferrets, which are just poncey Weasels really).

DO AS I SAY OR THEIR WIL BE CONSEKWENSIS!!

On the bottom it had a ragged row of dots and the instruction "Sine Hear"

I read these and posed him a question

"What if I tell you to fuck off and leave me alone?"

"Then I'll tell me Mam you're gay" I regretted not bringing my shotgun with me.

I played for time.

"As with all contracts, I need to read it thoroughly and I will sign it in the morning" I said with a finality that would accept no argument.

"You've got until tomorrow tea time... pisswit".

Pisswit, now there's a first, I had not heard that particular insult before.

"Pisswit.... pisswit..." I toyed with the word for a while and then went back to my pencils.

That night I thought it best to be upfront and showed his Mum the note.

"Well me duck" She said, adjusting her glasses "Our kid hasn't been the same since we had that Vacuum Cleaner salesman lodging here, tek no notice me duck".

I wondered if I should quack.

"So what do you want me to do about him?" I wanted her to say "Shoot the little beast, or drown him, it's up to you" and I got close! "Boot him up the arse for all I care, 'ee could use some discipline" was her dismissive reply.

The miscreant showed up the next day and booted my door open again.

"Piss off or I'll slit your throat" I figured we might as well be honest with each other, us both being men of the world.

"Maaaam!" He screamed off down the corridor.

"Maaam! Tut Lodger is gaaayyy!"

I could hear Val scolding him "Don't be such a liar Herman, go and say sorry to Tim".

He went to his room and yelled like a demon until he puked with the effort and then it all went quiet.

Next time Herman kicked my door open there was a bucket of water balanced in such a way that it landed on his head with a satisfying "Splotch" and as far as I was concerned the matter was at an end.

All was cool and groovy for a few weeks and then one day Val bailed me up at the breakfast table.

"When are you going to tek us for tut ride on tut Mortybike me duck?"

I nearly choked on my Weetabix.

"Really? What about the boy?" She didn't seem the Scooter Trash type.

"Our kid is at remedial camp until Monday" This seemed like a set up.

"Have you been on a bike before?" I said this so as to make it sound like a really dangerous activity.

"Oh aye me duck.... ah've even gor us own skid-lid.... me an' Herman's Dad (she spat and crossed herself every time she mentioned the father) were quite the ton-up tearaways in us youth me duck".

I found myself staring at her, goggle-eyed and slack of jaw.

"Oh, er, well of course.... how about today?"

It would have been rude to refuse and may have caused offence if I did.

"Great!" She smiled like I hadn't seen before.

"I'll get us a pack up".

"You won't need a pack, we're only going out for lunch" The weather forecast was good for the rest of the day.

"Pack up is lunch yer daft bugger" I was clearly still culturally adrift.

"No, don't bother, I'll buy you lunch, must be a nice restaurant somewhere out in the sticks" I threw in casually.

Val looked at me as if I had just given her a new car.

"You mean sit down and eat?" The cultural gap yawned like a gaping chasm.

"Of course" I looked at her a trifle concerned and thought for a moment that she looked pretty cute and vulnerable for a landlady.

We headed out into the country on the Harley and visited Toxley Manor, a vast Georgian Estate, paid for with the profits from dark satanic mills and the weaving trade.

It seems that Val had a thing for English Landscaped Gardens and knew an awful lot about plants and trees and all things horticultural. She was very excited and scampered about like a kid in Santa's Grotto.

Lunch in the café was excellent and Val looked around as if I had taken her to the Ritz. She was most taken with the real cotton tablecloths and condiments that did not have a crust of dried nastiness around the top.

Turns out she liked bikes a lot and made me take the long way home, we bought fish and chips just on dusk and sat by the river feeding ducks.... not "me ducks" real ones, with feathers and webbed feet.

Returning home I put the Harley to bed and went to my room to get my pencils ready for Monday. There was a gentle knock on the door.

"Come in" I yelled over my shoulder as I was concentrating on my pencils.

The door opened and there was an expectant silence. I got the feeling on the back of my neck that I was supposed to notice something.

I turned round and Val was standing there in a wispy negligee.

Women are funny things, fully dressed some of them don't look much, pretty unfanciable sometimes because clothes are not often made to enhance chunky women. Val didn't look too appealing most days, but you know, naked and left to nature, most women look OK undressed. This is because everything sits in proportion when not artificially arranged.

Val looked quite fuckable in the dim light.

"I ain't had a groping while six year me duck".

I had no idea what she was talking about.

"Eh?"

"I haven't had sex for six years pet, would you be a good'un and help us out?"

Good grief, this was a turn of events I hadn't expected.... the appendage had clearly been a Boy Scout as "Be Prepared" was his motto and he sprang to attention right away.

Even though I was a bit behind the eight ball I thought it best not to refuse and cause offence as I couldn't be bothered with looking for more digs just now.

I must have nodded because Val shot into my bed; I swear her feet didn't touch the floor.

Once undressed and wrapped in an embrace, Val kissed me with a passion that made me believe her earlier statement about six years of celibacy. My hand was up her negligee and stroking her nipples so fast that I feared the appendage had taken control of my limbs as well as my brains.

Those saggy tits were not as saggy as I thought, they were quite large and had softened with age but her big pink nipples responded to my caress, and I found her softness and maturity to be quite fascinating and exciting.

I cuddled up and rubbed my cock against her belly, her soft and warm belly, ran my hands down her back and stroked her buttocks.

Val put one leg over mine and stroked my buttocks in return, this gave me better access so I ran my fingers down her arse crack, lingered momentarily by her bum-hole and found the dampness as I searched for her eager opening.

It was wet and her vagina was agape, I rubbed between her lips and spread the wetness all around her bum and that sensuous wasteland between the brown and the pink.

This got her all lit up and Val took the member in hand, rolled onto her back and led me to the temple door. Her mature body gave me a jolt, she was by far the oldest woman I had ever fucked, let alone seen naked up close and I felt as if I was doing something very wicked indeed.

She may have been wet and ready, but years of neglect meant that it took a bit to get her to relax internally. The head of the appendage was in as far as those wet and juicy lips, but things were getting awfully tight just inside.

I pulled myself out, spat in my hand and rubbed the end of my organ before trying again but it still felt like she was going to tear, so I slid down and kissed her between her breasts and all the way down her soft, warm belly until I was staring her straight in the cunt.

Nuzzling into her groin and snuffling like a truffle pig through her pubic hair brought me great joy and delight. I paused and then rubbed my nose in between her lips, savouring the smell of her as I moved in with my tongue and began to lick all around the outside of her pubic mound.

Val lay there moaning and gasping a bit while I got right onto the target and sucked her clitoris feeling it firm up in my mouth. I licked and let my saliva run into her femininity and mingle with her own delicious juices.

Taking a good look, I fingered her with my middle finger to get it plenty wet and then teased her butt as I licked and sucked some more.

Val tensed and grabbed my head (the one at the top of my body, with ears and a face).

"I'll be done too soon if you keep that up me duck" and she guided me until I was poised for penetration.

This time she was properly ready, and it was way easier to get inside her, although it still took a bit to get comfortable. I pushed in and pulled back, easing in deeper every time.

"That's huge!" Val seemed genuinely impressed.

I grabbed her right buttock with my right hand and teased her bum again, feeling her own juices running into the winking eye of her most private of private parts. I used this to ease my finger, just the tip, onto her rosebud and pressed in as I pulled back with my hardness and palpated it in rhythm with my thrusting.

Val had her legs in the air so I could sink right in and as I pushed up against the limits of her acceptance, hitting the end of her internal pinkness she gave a great cry.

"Unnnngggghhhhh... ooohhhh.... ggnnnnnhhhhh!" she gripped my buttocks and pulled me right in.

"Tiiiiimmmmm!"

After she came, I waited for a few seconds and resumed my rhythm, I was out of synch but not far behind.

Val reached down and squeezed my balls, I quickened my pace, and she reached further still until she could insert her finger inside me and as her finger got as far in as the second knuckle I really got off on the feel of it against the sensitive lining of my arse.

"Ooh that's rude" I murmured in ecstasy.

Just as if a switch had been flicked, I came, in a sudden hot jolt that could be felt all the way up the inside of my cock, "pulse, pulse, pulse". There was so much semen that I could feel my own wetness inside her, which made me give a final Richter-scale squirt and I was done, emptied right up inside her warmth and wetness.

We lay there for quite some time, both out of breath.

I had started something here and I became her sex-slave for the rest of my stay in Leicester. Herman got sent out to visit his cousins (a lot) so that we could grab a quick fuck, or even a long one, as and when the mood took Val.

She had a thing about not always letting me penetrate her, as if she enjoyed giving me satisfaction while charging up her own sexual batteries through denial and abstinence.

After a few times of pleasuring just me, Val would come on like a sexual tornado and we would fuck like crazy until she let go with a huge orgasm.

In between times she would do some crazy shit to me while Herman was doing his homework or having a bath.

One time Val approached me in the kitchen and dragged my manhood out into the open and stuck just the head in her mouth (the rest of it was too big to fit and Val didn't fancy choking to death) she sucked like a cheap Hooker and rubbed my balls, slurping and jerking the while.

I was on high alert as Herman was watching Scooby Doo in the next room, so I came really quickly. Val stood up and, with a wicked grin, grabbed me and kissed me hard. She pushed her tongue deep into my mouth and she hadn't spat or swallowed. I got a mouthful of my own seed; it was slimy, warm and salty and reminded me of a Chinese Banquet I once attended.

This startled me at first, but it was only fair, I sometimes got Val to suck her own juices off my tongue and now I knew how it felt.... very, very rude. Val pushed with her tongue in a way that made me understand she wanted me to swallow, my cock hardened again as I did so. I swallowed and wondered if that made me gay, incestuous or both?

Another time, while Herman was at school and I had a study day; Val wandered into my room topless and lay down on the bed.

"Sit on my face big boy" She said with a grin.

How could I refuse?

I sat on her face, facing her feet with my bum on her mouth and she licked my bum-hole which was a new one on me and I wondered if her life with the now absent husband had been as bad as she made out but as he had run off with another man I guess he had been up for a bit of anal action from time to time.

Having someone's tongue up your arse is a delicate and highly stimulating feeling, especially when they reach through and stroke your member at the same time.

Val pushed me off and asked me to turn round as I sat down on her chest; she pressed her breasts together and asked me to fuck her tits. This was also new and stimulating and as I was still throbbing from the arse-licking it didn't take long before I was on the vinegar strokes and with a final look down at those big pale orbs I shot my mess right in her face.

Val made me lick it off and let it dribble off my tongue and onto her nipples; she then massaged it in like skin lotion while I rubbed her clit until she popped.

Eventually, like all good things, this all came to an end. My course was done and dusted, and I had to head back down to Devon to start a new job as a Rural Estate Agent.

Parting was Val was sweet sorrow, as a gift I bought her a lifetime pass to the National Trust and some Train vouchers, so that she could continue to indulge in her passion for stately homes and gardens.

Val cried with joy and hugged me until I thought my eyes were going to burst. Even the dreaded Herman shook my hand and wished me well, but then he would, I had given him my collection of Marvel Comics, nothing rare and valuable but it was a big box of comics....... and to show there were no hard feelings I gave him a bar of real chocolate, no laxatives.

Next time, I will tell you how i made selling muddy fields sexy and profitable...