Double Devil Day

Double Devil Day

"This is my cousin Dante, he'll fill in while I'm gone." The haggard little shoulder angle said, suitcase in hand.

"Where are you going?" asked Kris.

"It's been a rough go. I need a vacation." Said the tired angel, his robes tattered, his halo slouching. "Dante will take good care of you. Fresh out of Seminary."

"He's a devil." Said Kris.

"No. No, he's an angel. See the halo?"

"But, I mean, he still has a tail. A devil's tail. It's pointy."

"He used to be a devil but he's reformed, right Dante?" said the tired little angle.

"Yep. On the straight and narrow. And on my way to a full benefits package." Dante said with a grin.

"The tail...?" Kris asked.

"It's an angels tail." Dante said proudly.

"His wings are safety pinned on." Kris said.

"It's fine. Jiminy Cricket was a bug. Look, you are my final test before full redemption, a 401k, and dental." Dante said.

"Don't I already have a shoulder devil. I haven't seen him in decades, but I don't think I should have two shoulder devils. Isn't that against the rules?" Kris asked lazily.

"Rules? It's your head, mate. You make the rules. And besides, there's no place for an angel like me here today. Good luck." And with a divine puff, the angel was gone.

"Dante. Huh. I never knew you guys had names."

"Did you ever ask?"

"I guess not. Tell me about yourself."

"I'm an angel now, and I'm here to encourage you to make pious choices and lament wickedness and all that. What else do you need to know?"

"Huh." Kris said, taking a long puff on his favorite cigar.

Kris felt another poof and then a pinch on his ear on the other side. It was his long lost first shoulder devil.

"Hey, I'm back. Names Diablo, thanks for asking. I like beaches at sunset and bitches til sunrise!"

"Oh yah!" said Dante, starting a high five before composing himself. "I mean, no. That's bad."

"But seriously" Diablo corrected "there are no beaches in Hell. It's, you know, Hell. But the ladies... turns out there's a special Heaven within Hell for all the sexiest ones." He said. "I had VIP seats at the demons only Cock Gobbling Bukkake Queens Club tonight. This better be important."

"God, I miss the CGBQ Club." Dante sighed before catching himself. "So many lost souls to guide and to the light. Have you thought about reforming? Divine light and stuff. Way better benefits. Better cafateria options." Dante said.

"Nah, I don't want my street cred to drop. And I've got an in with the demon's union. Supervisor gig." Diablo said with a shrug.

"Oh, middle management. Ouch. I'll pray for you." Dante winced.

"What can I say? I'm a glutton for punishment. Self-masochism gets me off. Nothing like infinite unpaid overtime to get me hard." Diablo laughed.

Kris smiled a little. "Welcome back." Kris said. Double demon day. So be it.

The little demons made themselves comfortable on his shoulders and Kris leaned back in his chair.

Kris sat on his porch, enjoying the spring sunshine, his well-manicured lawn, a glass of bourbon and a cigar, all indulgences he rarely had the opportunity to enjoy. But today was special. Kris was having a bad day. The worst day of his life, actually.

You see, his life's work was on the verge of being taken away from him. He was born to be a baker, christened by destiny and his parents at birth by name. Krispen Crumb, his loving parents bestowed, a young Dutch immigrant couple. There was nothing explicitly binding about the name itself, but it sounded delicious. It was not the name of a plumber or a lawyer. It was the name of a pastry chef.

And he'd never fought the pull of fate, rather he embraced it enthusiastically chasing his place in pastry history. He'd studied abroad in France, Thailand, England, Japan, Brazil, and apprenticed gifted chefs in the US. He was passionate about his craft and had an unfoulable good nature. His final mentor gave him his personal spatula, admitting that there was nothing left to teach him. He'd retired, leaving his bakery to Kris, encouraging him to let his creativity flourish. And he had.

His mastery of the many nuances of the sweet treats from around the world allowed him to create new flavors. Cakes, pies, donuts, cookies, all dazzling. His most prized creation, though, was his sweet cream recipe, a perfect blend of the richest dairy and a subtle blend of spices he'd gathered from around the globe, Krispen Cream. He guarded it close, the light, perfectly sweet ingredient becoming a part of most of his treats. He quickly grew his bakery locally and within three years he had six bakeries across the country. He even opened three restaurants and was working them up to be 5-star establishments. He was able to afford a lovely house and married a lovely girl.

But then came the lawsuit. A large donut corporation claimed he had infringed on their trademarked name too closely with his Krispen Cream and they wanted to take everything from him. He'd tried to keep his spirit unbroken but the legal fees wore him down, working his shoulder angel ragged. The legal battle raged over the last year. He sold off his restaurants and all but one of his bakeries to remain above water. One month ago, as his funds dwindled, his wife left him for an artisan candle maker. Still, he kept hope that this would end and he'd be able to continue his work. That morning, the courts presented their final decision. He'd lost everything, even his last bakery. He was bankrupt.

He sat in the sun, trying to focus on the pleasant breeze, the flavor notes in the bourbon and the cigar, a life raft in the boiling ocean of his mind, waiting for the storm to calm so that he could plan the next step in his journey. If he could just make it through today he'd be fine, he knew it.

"Excuse me, what do you think you're doing!?" a high voice shrilled like nails on a chalkboard. It was Ms. Elizabeth Montgomery, HOA President of the Silver Oaks Community, a menacing woman in her 40's, slender, blonde, and she had no idea that today was double devil day.

"Oh, she's kinda hot if you can stomach that much plastic and smug." Diablo suggested.

"Poor prideful soul." Dante lamented. "But think of just how many sea turtles she's saved by storing all that extra plastic in her face rather than just letting it be thrown into the ocean. Perhaps there's good in her."

Diablo nodded in agreement. "Like the grinch. The sexy grinch."

"The bylaws are quite clear about tobacco and alcohol use in the front of our homes. It's forbidden. Take that filth to your back yard." she barked, holding up a red binder like it was an unquestionable holy text. He took a deep breath and slowly nodded, trying not to let slip that his good nature was lost at sea.

"But that's not why I've scheduled this appointment." she continued to approach up the steps to his porch, emboldened by his submission, grinning wickedly, baring her perfect teeth. Kris was not notified of any appointments, likely one she'd made with herself.

She was dressed far more formally than necessary for the occasion, tight white blouse with a black pencil skirt with matching black stockings and black heels, like she was attending a funeral. She reached the top of the steps and walked closer to him than necessary. He still didn't stand up.

That's when he noticed Ms. Montgomery had a shoulder angel, dressed identically to Elizabeth but with a halo, and well-kept white wings, and wearing a very amused expression. She also had a shoulder devil, wearing an identical outfit to but a little tighter around the chest, a lot shorter in the skirt, with a tail and little manicured horns. The devil wore an unamused expression, twirling her gum with her finger.

"Praise the Lord." Dante said.

Diablo proceeded to whistle, his eyes bulging out of his head like a Tex Avery cartoon.

Her shoulder angel scowled at them, the devil waved.

Elizabeths position gave Kris a peek of the top of her stockings through the high slit in her tight skirt, sitting on her smooth white thigh. Liz pushed the red binder in front of his face, it's pages well worn, littered with bookmarks and tabs. "The Crumb residence is in clear violation of statute 84.3.27!" she said as she smacked the back of the binder. She paused as though he should know what that meant, still grinning impishly.

Diablo's eyes grew big. "Fuck, not bylaw 84.3.27! Are we going to have to shut down the geriatric drive-thru glory-hole?." He laughed. "How's Nanna going to afford her Werther's Originals?"

Dante smothered a smile shaking his head in shame.

"And the midget Chip'n Dale show in the garage. The 'Little Smokies' are going to be homeless. That's going to be a real shame." Diablo added. "The community is going to suffer for these losses in so many ways."

Kris fought a grin but lost. He noticed Ms. Montgomery's shoulder devil was rolling with laughter as well.

"Uhhg" Liz moaned indignantly and opened the binder, flipping the pages dramatically. She found the incriminating passage. She stabbed at it with her finger as she pushed the pages under his nose, then dropped the sacred binder in his lap.

"There shall be no obscenities or offensive decor posted or placed in the visible front yard or front of any home." She read vigorously and then glared at him as though she'd clearly trapped him.

Kris still didn't say a word. He broke his gaze with her and surveyed his yard. His landscaping was immaculate, he kept his grass trim and green, and not a weed to be found. He looked back at her questioningly.

"That is a beautiful lawn, Kris." Dante commented piously.

"Yep, a very lovely gay lawn. Tell me your gay without telling me your gay..." Diablo taunted.

"I'm not gay." Kris thought.

"Hey, it's okay if you are. Pope says it's aye-okay now. A little sodomite fun in the sun every now and then on a beautiful lawn could really hit the spot." Dante comforted.

"I'm not..." Kris thought but was cut off by Diablo.

"Kris, again, we are figments of your imagination. So... who are you really trying to convince here."

Kris imagined dicks in both Dante and Diablo's hands and they appeared. Dante tossed his dicks aside with a "you rascal" chuckle.

"Nice one, homo." Diablo said. "You sure think a lot about dicks. I guess it's not surprising from a guy who's master work was called Krispen Cream. You know everyone thinks the secret ingredient is your..."

"I'm not gay." Kris said out loud.

Elizabeth cocked any eyebrow "That's not..." then growled at the sky as she stomped off the porch and plucked his lawn ornament out of the ground, a sturdy plastic pink flamingo he'd picked himself and was quite fond of. It had sunglasses. He'd picked it up the day his wife left him. He'd named him Leroy. They were just two cool guys chilling in the sun.

"I'd party with Leroy." Dante confirmed.

Elizabeth climbed back up the steps and dropped the flamingo at his feet, the thin legs falling off.

"This obscenity is offensive to the eye and ruins the aesthetic of this upscale community. We have standards here." She yipped, almost frothing with gleeful spite.

Diablo winced. "She's like a chihuahua. You should punt her off the porch." Diablo suggested then made a whistling sound and then a splat.

Dante shook his head. "Hmm, I bet she just needs a little compassion and maybe a nice biscuit."

Kris looked down at his flamingo, the painted-on sunglasses had a chip now. Then back at Elizabeth. She was leaning in aggressively now, her cleavage finding gravity and almost spilling out of her tight blouse. She wore a black bra and had perky C cups, he guessed, that appeared to be much firmer than she should have had a her age. Probably surgically improved, he decided. It was a pleasant distraction. Still, she snarled at him.

"If you can't understand our standards, then you have no business being here. I know about your business failure, your marriage failure, and now this. Can you even afford this neighborhood anymore? Pathetic. This infraction will cost you a fine of $247. The public intoxication will cost you $768 more. And they are accruing a late penalty of $100 dollars per day that they are delinquent." Her petrified smile somehow grew more wicked than before, tickled by a sense of victory, her personal cloud of smugness suffocating. He had no money.

Diablo shuddered. "She's like an insecure VP pressing me to meet an unreasonable deadline. I'm so aroused right now." Diablo whispered, looking down at his trousers. The devil was dressed like an old-timey Brooklyn gangster, Kris didn't know why. But he did have an exaggerated erection, far disproportionate to his size, straining at his pants, his suspenders stretched. Elizabeth's shoulder devil stared at Diablo with a hungry grin, licking her lips. Even her angel stared down her nose, biting her lip discretely, Kris noticed.

Liz locked her eyes on Kris and her face turned stern again as she stood strait, pulling the busty display away. "I dedicate all my personal time to keeping this neighborhood perfect and rarely have time for myself."

The prude angel on her shoulder caressed Elizabeths face comfortingly, her head shaking sullenly. Poor Ms. Montgomery.

She continued. "For some reason, I'm unable to find a suitable successful, obedient man that can handle my strength and commitments to excellence. You are certainly not that man." Her angel smirked smugly at Kris. Her devil made lewd gestures to Diablo, conveying to Diablo that she'd like him to park his extension in her rear docking bay.

"So, here's my offer." Liz continued. "Pay now, or I start calculating the delinquent fees. After one month, I put a lean on the property. The end." She licked her lips. The excitement of the hunt in her eyes, her prey cornered, all the power was hers.

Kris sighed. He was trapped. He didn't have the money. He didn't have any money.

Psst.

Psst.

Kris looked up. It was Ms. Montgomery's shoulder devil, waving her arms at Dante.

"Hey, Dante, remember me? Lil?." She said with a flirtatious smile.

"What do you want, temptress." Dante asked with a glower.

"Oh, easy there, little fella. I just thought you'd have a harder time forgetting me and this little kitty." Lili said rubbing her hand over her crotch. "Especially after that night at the CGBQ Club. I still don't walk right and it's been, what, three years."

"Nope. I don't recall any such debauchery." Dante said, avoiding her eyes.

"He just finished seminary." Diablo said with a chuckle, poking Kris's earlobe with his clothed erection peskily.

"Oh boy. That explains the costume, I guess. You're an angel now?" Lili said.

"Yep."

"I don't buy it. Do you wanna have some fun?" she said, blowing a kiss at Dante who smiled, holier act melting for a moment.

"We could use some fun today." Diablo said.

"Hey!" Elizabeths angel interrupted. "Don't talk to them. Why do you have to try to seduce every angel you see. And, I don't think that angel is even real. Do you see that safety pin?"

"I know, right? I still think he's cute, Celeste. And the other guy has a huge dick. I've got a good feeling about them." Lili said petting her kitty again.

Diablo stepped in. "Well, hello there. I'm Diablo."

"Lovely to meet you." Lili said with a wink and a wiggle of her curves. "Wanna know a secret?"

"Yes." Diablo said.

"Don't you dare!" Celeste threatened.

Lili continued unphased. "Lizzy girl hasn't been laid in over four years. She was married to a very successful banker but she had to go back to Poland to take care of her mother for a year. The bank fucker couldn't even wait two weeks before finding a cheap piece of ass to replace her with. She stayed in Poland for a whole year until her mother passed away."

Celeste looked sad. "That is true. She's incredibly lonely and struggles with pride. She's very insecure about how she looks and having control in her life. And she has some resentment towards men."

"So... if you're up for some fun, I could tell you how to push her buttons just right. Maybe we all win this afternoon." Lili said, licking her lips.

"No. You can't do that, it's cheating!" Celeste protested.

"What are you going to do? Throw some smug at me? Besides, thoughts and prayers aren't going to bring water to Lizzy's desert. She's getting really creative with her toys as well. Like, even I'm worried for her health."

"I don't like where this is going." Dante cautioned. "I know she looks like a desperate, lonely, middle-aged cougar that you could take out your frustrations on sexually again and again and again and maybe even again. But I'm pretty sure that would be a sin." Dante said cautiously. "And if you sin today, you'll go to Hell and I'm going to lose out on my stock options."

Diablo grinned. "Brilliant, Dante. Kris, I think we could find something cathartic to do with this situation, don't you? Grind some lemonade, if you catch my drift." he suggested with an eyebrow waggle.

Kris contemplated. Then he nodded to Lili, who danced on Liz's shoulder.

"So. What will it be?" Elizabeth pressed.

Coffee. Coffee sounded good, Kris decided.

Appetizer

With one last slow, savory puff on his cigar, gently tapped out his cigar, bent forward and picked up the pieces of his cool, pink, feathered friend. Then he stood up slowly. Liz paused for a moment, as tall as she was, he was still a head taller and had broad shoulders more suited to a blacksmith than a baker. She forgot her facade for a moment as she took him in, towering over her, and for just a moment, battled a mix of fear and excitement.

Lili waved her arms to get his attention, pointing to a spot on Elizabeth's neck just below and behind her ear. Then pantomimed melting.

Kris looked her in the eyes thoughtfully, gently brushed a stray strand of Liz's hair back, then lightly caressed the indicated weak spot before resting his hand on her neck. Then he leaned in slightly and whispered in a low rumble.

"When I was young and dipped in folly, I fell in love with melancholy. And the only cure was a cup of coffee."

Elizabeths face softened and Kris felt her melt into his hand, her lips parting softly. She was quite pretty when she wasn't in terrorist mode.

Lili pantomimed an explosion in her crotch, then gave him a thumbs up. Celeste was staring dumb founded, her hands on her hips.

Kris continued. "I can make you a cup of coffee that will be better than any other you've ever had. It's a sensual experience, like drinking the memory of a night of hard-won passion with a forbidden love, one you'd gladly live forever but by nature can only last one... perfect... moment." He slid his fingers up her neck softly, then back to her shoulder. A shiver ran down her spine but she liquified further. Liz found herself breathing a little quicker as well.

"I can make you a cup." He offered.

The spell was cast. Liz forgot why she was there for a moment.

"Yes please." She whispered and slowly nodded yes. He spoke eloquently and his voice was like an echo from a deep well, clear, low, enchanting but distant. It was hypnotic.

"I'll make you a cup."

Celeste was sitting now, flush, fuming.

Diablo grinned "Well done, chef sociopath."

"I think you made the right choice, offering an olive branch. Look how well this turn the other cheek stuff is working." Dante congratulated. "You know what? I'm proud of you. That's right. I'm a proud, real angel that deserves a full pension."

"We're just getting started." Kris said.

Kris opened the door and invited her in with a gesture. He took her back to his kitchen, noticing her hourglass figure, setting the flamingo down on the couch in the living room as they past. Liz sat on a stool at the kitchen island, watching Kris work hungrily.

Kris was a pleasure to watch, clearly a master, and moved through the kitchen like he was dancing, his muscular mass finding grace and rhythm easily.

They returned to the living room, Kris on a chair, Liz on the couch next to Leroy. Kris hadn't lied about the smells and the first sip of the finished coffee was everything he'd promised. She closed her eyes and tried not to let him see how much she enjoyed it.

"How do you like it." Kris asked cooly.

"It's lovely." She said hesitantly. "I think it really is the best coffee I've ever had."

"Please, enjoy it. There is often a sadness associated with finding something so good that you fear you may never have anything so good again. A pinnacle reached. Perhaps, though, that's the beauty of it, what makes the occasion so special. Every cup after this one will be a disappointment but you had the privilege of enjoying this great one." He rumbled slowly, thoughtfully, with no bitterness.

"Psst." Lili said. "It sounds corny, I know, but give her a sincere compliment. She'll buckle."

"Oh, look at you! That sounds lovely. She could really use a confidence boost." Celeste said, offering Lili a high five.

"Yah, tell her that her fake tits look awesome. Then seal the deal with a wet willy." Diablo said. "I call that move the Gentleman's Passport."

"Are you serious?" Celeste chirped?

"Yah. It even worked once. At the drive thru geriatric glory hole." Diablo said reminiscing.

"What? No." Dante said. "You don't understand woman. If I were a demon, which I'm not, I'd call out her insecurity and tell her they are unfounded while still insulting her behavior. But, you know, definitely don't do that."

"Oh, sploosh. Yep, that will do it. Total power play." Lili said. "Devious."

Dante half-heartedly accepted a high five from Diablo.

Kris considered the advice for a few moments. He breathed in deep slowly, setting his coffee on the end table, and then softly spoke.

"She seemed a rack for avarice, gaunt and craving. Many a soul she has brought to endless grief. A fitting beast for breaking." Kris said.

Liz looked up from her coffee, confused.

"You're not very good with compliments, Kris." Dante informed him.

Kris sat back comfortably and continued, not explaining himself.

"Elizabeth, you are a beautiful woman, perhaps one of the most beautiful I've ever seen. Only God himself could craft such a gorgeous creature, slender, long legs, perfect curves, and a smile that men start wars over. A wolf queen. But your insecurities are tragic. The botox, the designer hand bags, the attitude are all like graffiti on a master-worked marble sculpture. Someone tricked you, robbed you, robbed all of us of a Venus."

Liz didn't say anything, her eyes wide in shock, her cheeks flushing. Lili peaked out from under the hem of Liz's pencil skirt. "Oh, yah. Either she really liked that or she pissed her pants on your couch out of spite. Either way, it's a slip-n-slide in there."

Kris smiled slightly, encouraged, keeping eye-contact with Liz.

"Ms. Elizabeth Montgomery, I have a new proposal." Kris said. "Today has been the single worst day of my life. I have a darkness I've never felt before, deeper than I felt possible. I'm fighting demons. I'm glad you came over today. You have a very rare opportunity. I'd like to fuck you harder than you've ever been fucked and in ways you've never been fucked. I'd like to unleash my demons on you in a way that makes today the day you mark with fondness and sadness knowing that you'll never experience sex this gorgeously brilliant and terrifyingly intense again in the rest of your mortal days." He boomed, still calm but his volume building in a steady crescendo. Then softly again. "Would you like that?"

Liz sat stunned. Then she carefully sipped the last of her coffee.

"Yes, please."

Kris kept his poker face and didn't let slip just how happy he was to hear that.

"Alright boys. Now what?" Lili asked.

"He's a chef. Everything is a meal with this guy." Diablo said.

"You're going to eat her!?" Celeste screamed and fell to her knees.

"Fuck, that's dark." Lili said.

"No, no way. No cannibalism. Kris is way too picky about his food." Dante reassured. "But, if I were a demon, and I'm not, I'd suggest a five-course fucking with each course progressing deeper into the depths of his plagued little mind until all the black on his soul has been scrubbed clean by the screams of her orgasms." Dante caught himself again, shaken back to his new identity by the breeze on his own massive erection that couldn't be contained by his heavenly garb. "But we should probably enjoy some time singing a hymn together instead. That could be stimulating and basically just as fun, right?" He sighed. "Fuck. I'm going to lose the dental options."

"Wow." Diablo said.

"No way." Celest said, wiping her tears. "It's better than getting eaten but Liz isn't a toy. She's a strong, independent boss bitch."

"Oh, even boss bitches need love. Sometimes tough love." Dante said.

"Alright chef, order up." Lili said.

Kris knew just what to do. He stood up slowly and began to speak again.

First Course

"A gourmet meal service is like a play for the senses, all the senses if it's done correctly. The beautiful visual experience of each plate, the sentimental aroma's building the anticipation for the pallet then to enjoy the flavors and textures of each creation. Every course building to greater and greater pleasure on pleasure."

"I'm going to give you a three-course service like you've never had and will never forget. Appetizer, three plates, then dessert. It will give you more pleasure then you thought possible and you will never find so much pleasure again with anyone else. Ever. That's the price for experiencing perfection. Eternal disappointment."

"Damn." Diablo praised. "I'm going to use that line. Eternal disappointment. Who would ever suspect you put lavender talcum powder on your balls."

Elizabeth found herself nodding 'yes' subtlety.

"No!" Celeste yelled in Elizabeths ear. "Stop this. You tell him that you're the boss then make him lick your toes. Say it. Say I'm the boss."

"Oh, kinky." Diablo said to Celeste. "You are naughty after all."

Kris stepped forward, his strong hand gently found its way to rest on Elizabeth's neck and she found herself leaning into it, a little ache in her groin growing at his low, smooth voice, like a thunderstorm a county over on a quiet night lulling her soul.

"I'm the..." She started but stopped as he rolled his thumb up to her lips. She melted into his hand and instinct took over. She opened her mouth and guided his thumb in with her tongue, gently sucking, spellbound.

"You're a wizard Harry. Erecto Petronus." Diablo congratulated as he watched her overly pouty lips work.

Liz was still surprised by her body's ability to override her determination to be the one in control. But she loved it.

"Oh fuck, that's hot." Lili said. "Now pin her down. She is way turned on by your control and strength. And she could use a little disciplining, don't you think?"

Kris grasped her neck firmer and guided her to the couch cushion with a slurp and a whine as he took his thumb back. She was on her knees now with her chest resting on the couch, arms extended overhead like she was bowing to the broken flamingo pieces, Leroy, her new God. Her ass was in the air stretching her skirt tight, riding up to show her stockings and black panties. His hand caressed the lines of her panties, slowly down her thigh to trace the top of her stockings, taking his time. His left hand still held her to the cushion by her neck, his thumb back in her mouth and she began sucking again.

"The first course will set the mood. To create the crescendo of pleasure, it will be necessary to push your limits. It's important that you know, you are here by choice and you can leave by choice at any time. Do you still want to proceed?"

Elizabeth didn't answer, just pushed her ass back onto his hand. He gave her ass a firm swat. She squealed and turned her face to look at him, still pinned to the cushion.

"I need to hear you say it. I have no interest in forcing you." Kris said.

He started to stand to step away, but she responded in a panic "Yes, yes. I want to proce..." Kris returned to his position and gently buried her face in the cushion again as she finished her plea. She didn't protest as Kris held firm, pulling her skirt up around her waist, swatting her tight ass two more times a little harder, leaving light pink handprints. She squealed again but then relaxed, panting into the couch as he massaged her rosy ass gently. One more swat, one more squeal.

Again and again he slapped her glowing cheeks, massaging between rounds of swats until her squeals were replaced with moans and she relaxed under his hands, no longer writhing with the strikes, but wiggling with anticipation. Kris hummed a verse to her.

"Ah, rosy cheeks, how sweet, how fair,

A blush of life, with death to spare.

They bloom like petals, soft and shy--

Then turn quite pale when mortals die.

For nothing pleases hell's critique,

Like biting wit and blushing cheek."

"Mmm. Poetry again. That get's me..." Celeste started before catching herself, her little hand on her crotch.

"Spanking poetry. Nice." Dante complimented.

She slowly rubbed her glowing ass on his hand to sooth her cheek. He pulled it away and she groaned. He spanked her harder. Then, as she pushed back against his hand again, he traced his fingers over her lacy panties stretched tight over her pussy lips. They were already soaked. He teased her until she squirmed and her body tensed in ecstasy. He swatted her one more time, a little harder than all the rest and it pushed her over the edge. She shook in an orgasm and her legs dropped out from under her. Kris held her up as she screamed into his couch cushion.

Finally she relaxed.

"Second course?" Kris rumbled.

Second Course

"That was a mistake, but we are not our mistakes." Celeste encouraged Liz, trying to pull her out of her pleasure haze. "We can get up and walk right out of here and go find a nice spot to sit in the sun and weave some boondoggle key chains for the church fund raiser. That would be just as gratifying, right?"

"Oh, let her be. She needs this as much as you need it." Lili said, who was now sitting on Kris's shoulder next to Diablo.

Ms. Elizabeth Montgomery was breathing heavy now, softly moaning as Kris massaged the wet spot on her lacey panties. "Yes.. yes" she said breathily.

Kris slipped his finger under the slick lace, tracing around her entrance with two fingers.

She groaned in frustration and pushed back against his fingers. But he pulled away and spanked her hard again.

She wiggled her needy ass and moaned. "Yes, please. More." she panted.

"Oh, I know this is hot as hell, but we're not a whore." Celeste chided.

Dante and Diablo both leered hungrily. Lili was sitting between them now, lazily stroking both of the demon cocks while they enjoyed the show Kris was putting on.

Kris caressed her wet lace faster, pushing the slick cloth into her entrance. He swatted her one more time softly, then lifted his hand off her neck and sank his fingers into her pussy while massaging her ass with his other hand. He pulled them out and tasted them. "Hmm. Slightly tangy but surprisingly sweet. Like honey in lemon tea. I don't know if you're quite ready yet. What do you think?" he asked as he dipped them back into her as she gasped. Then he pulled out for her to taste, pushing a finger to her lips. She resisted at first but accepted, and instinctually began sucking his finger.

"Dammit!" Celeste said.

Kris continued to massage her ass cheeks firmly, teasing the outline of her labia with his fingers as she sucked.

"Honey Lemon tea?" he asked

She nodded yes.

"Pull your panties down for me when you think you're ready."

Head still resting on the couch cushion, a small puddle of drool staining the velvet, she reached back eagerly and peeled her panties off, strings of her juices stretching from her aching, teased pussy. She pushed them off all the way and kicked them across the floor.

Kris guided her hands and placed them on her ass cheeks and she spread them apart, completely exposing herself, giving him even better access. Kris pushed two fingers back into her pussy deep with a force that made her gasp, though she stretched to accommodate them and she was slick. She moaned with each thrust and he caressed her insides with a "come here" gesture that drove her wild. He also massaged her asshole with his thumb, slick with her juices.

"Hey Celeste," Lili yelled. "Isn't Lizzy being a little greedy? That's a sin, right? Sharing is caring." She said as she gave each demon dick a slow kiss to emphasize her point.

Celeste thought about it for a moment, then whispered into Elizabeth's ear, who eagerly responded, fumbling at Kris's pants until she had the belt undone, his boxers around his knees, and his generous cock in her hand. She began to stroke him and moaned as she felt it grow even larger.

Kris calmly let her work though he was surprised. He switched hands and pushed his two dripping fingers into her moaning mouth and she sucked them clean, intoxicated by her own taste. She pushed back and she felt a quiver build and erupt before she knew what was happening. She shook and squealed into the couch cushion as she came hard again.

Kris was shocked at how fast her soft little hand had progressed him to the edge. It had been months since he'd been touched but he didn't realize just how pent up he had been through the chaos in his life. He quickly echoed her orgasm, glazing her face while she squealed with pride, licking her lips and fingers as she played with his frosting.

Third Course

Kris pulled his fingers free and turned her over on the couch. He spanked her sensitive pussy lightly as she whimpered. He tore her blouse off and unhooked her bra from behind her, her C cups poured free, still looking far better than they had any right to be. Kris took a moment to admire them.

"Touch them." Diablo said dreamily.

"Yes. They were made to be touched." Lili confirmed.

"No, no, no. You've had your fill. Let's go find that Butter Cream Gang VHS you still keep in the cupboard. Good clean fun." Celeste said sweetly.

"I don't know, Celeste." Dante added, losing his own battle with sin as Lili swallowed his flaming sword. "Kris seems like he's strayed pretty far from the light. Elizabeths' heavenly globes are pretty divine. Could even be the religious experience he needs to bring him back."

"Hmmm. They are a gift from God, aren't they. I guess if it could be a missionary experience..." Celeste considered.

"I could go for some missionary." Diablo said with a grunt as his iron rod disappeared again into Lili's mouth. How did the oversized cock not split Lili in half. It was as big as her entire body.

"Jeez, Lili! Get control of yourself." Celeste said, biting her lip.

"You heard her, Kris, worship those blessed fun bags until you're back in the fold." Dante said.

Kris put his hands on her perfect tits, softly at first, enjoying her perfect skin, tracing her nipples, his fingers still greased with her juices. She squirmed at the touch but didn't move away. He couldn't resist long before the need to squeeze set in bad. Her gorgeous C-cups stress balls worked better than he could have ever imagined. Enough that he almost forgot what he was doing. He kneaded her breasts like dough for two fine loaves; he could almost taste them. Then he did, sucking hard on each of her nipples, squishing them together while Liz gasped.

"Oh, my." Dante said to Lili. "His composure is hanging on by a thread. If Liz were to accidentally give his cock a little kiss with her lower lady lips, he'd be done for. Let's pray she doesn't."

Lili grinned and took the cue, whispering into Elizabeths ear.

Kris was finding some zen in her therapy pillows. He could have continued forever, but Liz wrapped her legs around his waist and began grinding her wet easy-bake oven on his spatula.

"Uh-oh." Dante noted.

"What?" Celeste asked innocently, a little panic in her voice.

Kris felt his cool, controlled facade boiling away, her slick hot lips igniting the TNT that was buried just under the paper-thin layer of his control, begging him for what he wanted anyways; unrestrained fucking, no holds barred, no remorse.

"It's on now." Diablo said, summoning a horned war helmet from somewhere. "Prepare for battle. Ms. Montgomery has unleashed Grond, the great battering ram of legend."

Celeste looked confused.

"Oh dear." Dante said remorsefully. "Not even the Great Gate of Minas Tirith could stand against Grond."

"Fuuu... Lizzy girls pussy is about to be pulverized." Lili said before positioning herself between Diablo and Dante, swallowing Dante's sacred scepter again, Diablo's cock pushing at her pussy entrance until it pushed in with a squish. Lili moaned on Dante's shaft and they both started a matched rhythm, like two lumberjacks' sawing a tree in half.

Kris pulled his hips back from Elizabeths beckoning lips and, then, using her tits as handles, rammed Grond into her slick pussy forcefully while pulling her back to him. Liz screamed in shock and thanked god the force hadn't knocked her teeth out.

"Its... so... big..." she said weakly.

Kris paused for a moment to let her accommodate him, but Liz wrapped her legs around his hips, kicking him like a cowgirl encouraging a stallion, and his horse cock was eager to run. Kris levered his ram back again and crashed into her with a growl that surprised and excited Liz. Kris didn't stop this time, pounding at her gates relentlessly. Elizabeth's eyes rolled back in her head and her mouth opened in a silent scream, still encouraging him with her legs around him.

"Grond! Grond! Grond!" Diablo and Dante chanted as they thrust in unison, Lili squealing and giggling, holding Dante's ass and pulling his war hammer into her throat and pushing back on Diablo's spear at the same time.

"Grond. Grond. Grond." Celeste said under her breath, the slightest bit of unangelic jealousy creeping into her pious heart as she watched Liz writhing with pleasure despite the brutality of the assault on her hot gate.

Liz felt her body tighten and she quivered an orgasm around his cock, her legs squeezing him in even tighter. Kris paused until her grip loosened a little, then resumed his same pace and rhythm. Pounding and hammering, his primal needs driving him. The catharsis of the unrestrained fucking was intoxicating. He had no intention of stopping until his ramrod drove her little body clean through the couch. And Liz loved every rageful, lustful blow colliding against her cervix.

Kris grunted as he lost control and injected a huge load of liquid fire from his siege engine into her moat. He didn't lose any speed or momentum, plowing forward as his cum and her juices frothed and squeezed out of her.

Liz squealed and writhed in orgasm three more times. Or maybe it was one unending ecstasy, it was hard to say as jostled as her body and mind were at the moment. She was pleasure drunk and hungry for more. He kept going and she kept encouraging him with her body for longer than either could keep track.

"Yes!" she screamed as Kris filled her a second time.

"I'm worried for your health Liz." Celeste suggested hesitantly. "You should probably stop, get a snack, some electrolytes, and read the bible for a bit, don't you think?"

"More, please. More." Liz said with a weak squeeze of her legs.

Diablo waved at him. "Kris, remember, you've got lots of options." He said, as he and Dante switched places, spinning Lili around. Dante lined up with Lili's dripping pussy but pushed his drool slick cock into her tight asshole instead and she moaned.

Lili looked at Kris, bouncing forward as Dante pounded. "When Lizzy-girl... helps herself,... she always has... one toy on her clit... and the other... in her... mouth." She said, then licked a serving of her own juices off Diablo's cock before swallowing it to the hilt. They began the lumberjack treatment again while Lili moaned loudly.

"Do you always have to moan like a whore? Geez, have some dignity." Celeste said, while despising her own dripping lady angel bits.

Lili paused for a second, slurping off Diablo. "Awwe, I know jealously when I see it. Is this better for the pouty little toddler angel?" then resumed the rhythmic teeter-tottering threesome, but now each thrust was punctuated by a comical squeaky toy sound.

Celeste put her hand to her face then looked back to Elizabeth, perversely, sinfully enjoying the satisfaction in her face and wishing it was her. She would definitely need to repent later.

Kris paused his pounding abruptly.

"No... No. Please no... More... I want more." She panted weakly. Fuck me. All your demons, just fuck me." She said desperately.

He spanked her hard again and she moaned this time. He picked her up and put her on her back on the floor, still wearing her stockings and her skirt bunched up around her waist.

Kris knelt down over her head and leaned over her. He put her own hand on her pussy and started her rubbing. He pulled her legs up and leaned forward, tucking her knees behind his arms and rested on his elbows, his hands pulling her cheeks open, his hard cock hovering over her mouth. He could feel her warm breath with each pant.

"Mmm. Make her beg..." Celeste slipped accidentally, then slapped a hand over her mouth.

Kris slid two fingers from both hands into her ass, prying it open, enjoying another gasp on his cock. He kneaded her ass cheeks while his fingers probed and pulled her open. She lifted her head up and lapped at his cock, but he pulled away.

"Mmm, please." She said greedily, lifting up, lips pursed to pull him into her mouth. He pulled away again, but licked the long path from her from the top of her clit, over her sacred alter, all the way down slowly to her sin bin while she squirmed and pushed her pussy up to meet his tongue. His thumbs played with the space between pussy and asshole while he felt her tongue flicking out to taste his cock.

"Please." She whined. "Please, Mr. Crumb. I need your cock in my throat. Please..." she begged as he traced the path with his tongue again.

Satisfied, Kris waited until she pursed her lips again and slowly began thrusting into her mouth. She moaned around his cock and sucked him in deeply and he just about lost his load. The vibrations on his shaft from her groans, the way her throat massaged his head were all so intense. It made him wild again and he pried at her asshole, squeezing her cheeks hard. She screamed on his cock and rubbed her pussy furiously, her font frothing and streamed her juice into her asshole. He pushed two fingers from each hand deep into her asshole at the same time as he drove his cock into her throat. She writhed and gagged on his iron rod, then clenched around his fingers in another orgasm, her most vicious yet. She quivered for what seemed like minutes and Kris didn't let up. When she was finally finished, lying limp, panting, his cock still in her drooling mouth, his fingers still pulling her relaxing asshole open, a mind broken rag doll.

Kris pulled his dick out of her mouth with a slurp and his fingers out of her ass with a slick pop. Liz was still grinning in a daze. He moved around her, still holding her knees up, kneeling between her legs. He teased his cockhead at her still stretched asshole. Liz held her legs for him with a pleasant sigh, and Kris secured her lovely tits again before firmly pushing against the gates to her dark abyss. With a wink, the abyss welcomed him, stretching further around his girth, he reamed her open, plunging in up to his hilt. Liz gasped, then screamed in another orgasm strait away, her halo gripping and milking Kris harder than he'd expected. He grunted in surprise as he filled her with another load after just ten incredible thrusts. It felt amazing. Kris just kept plumbing the depths of her rectory, the cum making her even more juicy.

Kris squeezed her fun bags tighter and gained even more steam. Liz moved one hand, still keeping her leg raised. She grabbed Kris's hand and brought it to her mouth and began sucking on his fingers.

"Oh, shit. I didn't tell her to do that." Lili said.

"This should be fun." Diablo said.

Kris lost any remaining control over his primal instincts. He dropped his hands to her hips. He pounded away at her grateful vortex, her body skidding up the carpet with each blow, their juices amplifying the slapping, squelching, crashing almost enough to be heard over her screams. He didn't stop. Hammering away like John Henry, one blow for each dollar he'd had taken from him, each injustice cleansed by his growls and her squeals, and he'd continue until he'd been fully baptized, every demon slayed on his crusade through her backdoor holy land. Elizabeth's pussy poured juices that kept his cock lubed and each time he blew his load inside her, it just felt slicker and better.

"Look at them go!" Lili said. "I think they're both going to be exhausted." She was laying on her back, catching her breath on Kris's shoulder, talking to herself in a haze of sinful pleasure.

Dante and Diablo were feeling pretty good about life as devils and as a team. After their fun with Lili, they decided to explore Elizabeth's being a bit, specifically her ample breasts, which the were riding like rodeo bulls as they bounced with each forceful blow from Kris.

"Yee Haw!" Diablo yelled, clutching tight to her erect nipple.

"Get off of there!" Celeste demanded.

"Easy there, little buckaroo." Dante said. "Come on up and I'll give you a riding lesson."

"As if. And where's your wings." She said, hand gesturing quotations around wings. Dante had lost his robes and wings.

"I gave up."

"You just gave up? After all you work to get through seminary? Benefits packages?" Celeste asked skeptically.

"Well... I really tried, but Lili said I could put it in her butt if I gave her my wings. What was I supposed to do?" Dante said, looking up at Lili who was trying on her new outfit.

"Fucking sexy." Lili said, modeling, wearing nothing but the pair of wings. She winked at Dante.

"Fucking sexy." Dante said, falling off the bucking nipple after a particularly vicious quake, 7.8 on the riktor scale.

"But what about your angel vows!? Why haven't you turned into dust yet?" Celeste said sadly.

"Hmm." Dante said, sitting down beside her. "I don't know. Perhaps that's just a way to manipulate the angels."

"Fuck. You might be right. Fuck it." Celeste said, dropping her robes revealing a truly heavenly body. She pounced on Dante, kissing him aggressively with celestial tongue skills that no angel should have. She lined herself up and sat down on Dante's still hard cock, skewering her juicy angel pussy on his pitch fork. Celeste squealed melodically as she rode Dante, back arched, blessed tits pointed to the sky.

"Yee Haw!" Dante said, finding her rhythm and bucking back up into her.

"Hell yeah, Celeste! Break that bronco!" Lili cheered.

Ms. Elizabeth Montgomery scream weakly, drunk on the deep anal dicking she'd needed for too long. So drunk, she didn't notice the repeated chirp of her phone, lighting up with texts, noise complaints at the Crumb residence. She'd take care of those complaints with an iron fist. Later.

Finally, Kris filled her with another load of his world famous man-chowder. That was the third, maybe fourth in her ass, he'd lost track and they had been working her ass for almost an hour without tiring. He had many demons to slay that day and Liz enjoyed every second.

He fell next to her, breathing heavy. She rolled over, snuggling under his arm. Kris was satisfied, no longer worrying about his business, his life and he could think clearly. He had started with nothing and he had skills and practice. He would be just fine.

Dante lay on Kris's chest too, smoking a cigarette while Celeste kissed at his neck lazily, her hair a mess, mascara smudged.

"That was awesome." Dante said.

"That was awesome." Kris agreed out loud.

Ms. Elizabeth Montgomery rolled back off of him, lying back on the carpet.

"More please." She whispered, still lost in ecstasy.

Dessert

She didn't wait for him to say yes or to start. She sat up and sucked his battered battering ram into her mouth and gently sucked, savoring her own taste on it. She slid her legs, straddling him, her ass up in the air, his and her juice cocktail still dripping out of her down her thighs and onto his chest.

He kneaded her ass gently, thumbing at her pussy, happy to continue. But then he remembered someone. A friend who had received a grievous insult.

"Do it." Diablo said.

"Do it." Dante and Celeste said together.

"For the fallen." Lili said angelically.

Kris reached up to the couch cushion and secured Leroy. He smoothly hooked Leroy's beak into Elizabeths pussy, anchoring it deep and pulling pressure up. Liz moaned long and deep on his cock. The vibrations felt amazing. Kris bounced the pressure up and down, milking his own cum from her pussy and asshole as he did. Liz went wild.

"Fuck!" she screamed around his cock before letting it plop out of her mouth. She pushed his thighs apart and slid further down him. She positioned her pound cakes around his shaft and squeezed them together around him. At the same time, she licked a quick line down from his dumplings to his doughnut hole and latched on, licking, rimming, and sucking, probing with her tongue while she stroked his cock with her tits.

"Holy fuck!" Kris groaned.

Kris couldn't help thrusting a little between her tits as she stroked him. He probed Leroy in and out of Liz's pussy a few more times before, pulling him out and lining his beak up with her asshole. Liz screamed into his chasm as he pushed Leroy firmly into her depths, stretching her until he slipped past the apex of his head, then her ass almost sucked him in to the neck as she cinched around the lucky bird. Liz lapped and ate more furiously.

Kris used his other hand to tease, then slip three fingers into her pussy, feeling Leroy pushing down against his fingers from inside her ass. He wiggled a fourth finger into her pussy and probed in and out. She was slick but with Leroy sharing real estate inside her, four fingers was a big stretch. Kris pulled his hand free and offered the mess to Liz. In her wild, depraved state, she took a short break from eating his asshole to enjoy this treat, sucking each of his fingers clean before returning to his ass. Her soft tits felt amazing and he'd never had his ass eaten before. He grunted and delivered a generous batch of Krispen Cream between her sugar loaves.

"Dante, tell him to do that thing you did to me at the CGBQ club!" Lili said.

"The Chupacabra's Dirty Chalupa, 90's Alternative Variation? No way! No mortal could survive that. We don't want murder charges." Dante said in horror. "Even I was traumatized. Enough to send a devil to seminary..."

"You do remember me! Nice." Lili said with a proud grin. "I could do it again. And we could teach Celeste."

"No!.. well... maybe. Where would we find Jenco jeans and a Creed CD at this hour?" Dante pondered.

"Kris needs to step up his game. He's getting the royal treatment." Diablo said with a devious grin. "Kris, it's muppet time."

"Muppet time?" Celeste asked.

"Do it." Lili said eagerly.

"Wakka, wakka." Kris said.

Kris slid his fingers back into her pussy and Liz moaned in gratitude. Kris tucked in his thumb and pushed harder. Liz screamed but pushed back against his hand, stretching her little pussy further than it had ever gone. She bounced her weight back, mouth still latched to his ass, tits around his cock, desperate to take his whole fist. Finally, with a groan, he slipped past his knuckles and she enveloped his fist, clenching tightly around his wrist. Liz looked up and squealed at the ceiling and Kris felt the rhythmic clenching of an orgasm from inside her. He pushed and pulled, churning her butter as she writhed and screamed. She almost squeezed Leroy free but Kris held him secure. When Liz relaxed, Kris repositioned his hand until he could feel Leroy's head in her ass through her vaginal walls, cupping his hands around it. He began to push and pull both his fist and Leroy, alternating both. Liz tried to resume his work on Kris's asshole but the feeling was so intense, she screamed and collapsed. He kept working, pumping, rubbing Leroy's head through her insides, thrusting up through her slick tits. Her legs shook with intense pleasure and she bit at his thighs between screams, pushing back on his hands.

Kris focused hard but the view and the sensation of Liz lying on him, totally depraved, letting him use all of her and loving it was incredible, quite possibly the closest thing to a religious experience he'd ever had. He said a quiet prayer, then grunted hard as he came between her tits again. She quivered in another intense orgasm, clenching so hard she ejected him and Leroy forcefully, digging her hands into his ass hard as she came, her nails digging into him. It only made Kris cum harder, emptying the frosting factory completely onto her slippery body.

When they both finished, Liz turned and slid her body over him, resting her head on his chest. He held her, both panting, hearts still racing but recovering, both of their demons slayed. Metaphorically. Dante and Diablo explored Elizabeths gaping holes, Lili and Celeste slip and slid down the slick of juices on Kris's thighs.

"Double Devil Day. That's what you should call your next restaurant. Or maybe like a food spa. That could be a thing." Liz said softly.

"I like that." Kris said softly. That did sound good. The sun was setting. Kris hadn't realized how much time had passed.

"May I make you dinner?" he asked, his low, controlled thunder of a voice returning.

"I'd like that." Liz said softly, melting into his chest. "But after..." she brought Leroy to her lips and kissed his beak. "... I think I still have a few more rounds in me. Maybe we could even try the..." she paused while Lili whispered in her ear. "the Chupacabra's Dirty... Cha... Chalupa...90's Alternative Variation?"

Lili nodded enthusiastically.

The Chupacabra's Dirty Chalupa

90's Alternative Variation

The Crumb residence was surrounded by police and EMS. The fire department had cleared the scene and extinguished the numerous property fires. From somewhere in the wreckage, Creeds "Take me Higher" blasted on repeat. It had been two days since the neighbors had seen Ms. Elizabeth Montgomery assault Mr. Krispen Crumb with her issues about his lawn ornamentation. Now, the entire roof was missing.

Captain Rogers looked at the wreckage in concerned awe, shaking his head, having been one of the first on the scene after the explosion.

"I've never seen anything like it." Detective Parker said. "I thought for sure it was a drug fueled murder-suicide. But no. We found them collapsed in a lovers embrace, giggling like they were mad, wearing nothing but queso cheese and oversized jeans. I can't believe they both survived the explosion. And it looks like they were battling a pack of gorilla's for two days in there before the place blew. I can't tell if they are the perpetrators or the victims. I found white feathers and cloven hoof prints everywhere. There's tortilla chips all over the carpet, broken furniture everywhere, and dough." He said.

"So much dough. Everywhere." Captain Rogers confirmed. "Destruction and dough. I counted thirty-three pies. Apple. I guess the guy was a chef. I've never had sexual feelings towards a pie before but these are... well... it's very strange. But why were they wearing those jeans?"

"Jenco's, Captain. Jenco jeans." Detective Parker said. "Bizarre but popular in the 90's. I don't understand it. And where did they find so much Surge soda? The bathtub is full of it. And did you see all the symbols on the floor around the tub? Some kind of cult thing, maybe?"

"Burnt. The symbols are burnt into the tile. Very difficult to do. And we had the forensics look at it. It's Latin. It translates to 'Leroy Demands Pie'." Captain Rogers said. "What do you make of the two paintings? Disturbing."

"Very disturbing. Polar opposites. First we have the Back Street Boys in brutal hand to hand combat with their rivals, NSYNC. So much gore. Perhaps even cannibalistic. Why would they put that in Lance's mouth?"

"Why Lance? Why?" Captain Rogers lamented.

"Then the other picture, a graphic, perhaps even pornographic depiction of the groups engaging in vigorous love-making with each other. Haunting yet arousing. Get that out of your mouth, Lance." The detective said shaking his head.

"Are they meant to be a message or perhaps a metaphor? We may need to notify Homeland Security, have them check in on both bands. They are national treasures." Suggested Rogers.

"That would be wise. And that flamingo, sitting in the center of the crater in the living room. Doesn't it look like the explosion was centered around that bird? Like it erupted from the bird? But there's not a scratch on it, other than the small one on the glasses." Said Rogers, scratching his head.

"That flamingo has seen things. Things no lawn ornament should have to see." Detective Parker noted. "How are the suspects/victims?"

"Amazingly well, all things considered. A bit dehydrated, hypoglycemic. Both are walking a bit funny. Mr. Crumb has a minor chemical burn on his scalp from bleaching the tips of his hair himself. Ms. Montgomery appears to have a minor infection in a homemade tattoo on her lower back. 'El Chupacabra Eats Ass'. That's what it says. Mr. Crumb has one too, identical tramp stamps. Both are expected to make a full recovery." Captain said, pausing, clearly troubled. "Sir, did you see the hamsters? What were they doing with twenty-one hamsters? They weren't using them... you know... sexually were they?"

The detective sighed. "No. Worse. They were training them."

"Training them for what?"

"Tamagotchi. In just two days they've successfully trained hamsters to raise and nurture the electronic pets." Detective Parker said. "And they're good at it. Mindful. No Tamagotchi will ever want a human owner again."

"It ain't natural. I don't like it. All of this. It feels sinister. Like it was designed by the devil himself. Did you find any drugs?" Captain Rogers asked.

"None. And their toxicology came back relatively normal. Did you know you could get guacamole poisoning?" the detective poised. The captain looked surprised. "It's possible. If consumed rectally and in high volume. Perhaps a gallon. It's not unpleasant. Or so I'm told, of course."

"Of course. So... the victims have guacamole poisoning?" Captain Rogers asked.

"No. I just found that fact fascinating, worth pondering."

"Oh."

"We may never know what actually happened here. If only that flamingo could talk." The detective bemoaned.

"Have we found the roof yet?" the detective asked.

"No. It's like it just disappeared into another dimension with the explosion."

The detective stood in silence for a moment, shaking his head.

"I don't understand what happened here... but it was evil. I'm closing the case. Have an exorcist visit the home before anyone else is allowed in. I feel like going to church today. Maybe stop at the Piggly Wiggly and get some guac on my way." The detective said somberly, tipping is hat and walking away from the scene thoughtfully.

"I'll take care of it. But... I'm taking a pie." Captain Rogers said.