The Queen’s Inseminator Ch. 02

Author's Note:

This story leans hard on satire and humor, and light on erotica. There are three installments planned (so far). Feedback would be appreciated as I try my hand at a short serial.

Content warning: Contains light, comedic BDSM as a plot device.

***

The Queen's Inseminator

Chapter 2 -- Hard Riding

"You may not realize it, but you are an amateur at receiving a beating! In my trade, it's a frequent occupational hazard."

Everything was wonderfully quiet by the lake, including my patient listener.

"Most gentlefolk are just that! Gentle, dare I say business-like in our transactions, which, believe me, I appreciate. They have no conflicts, no complications in their heart. We proceed to the depths of the matter, then pull out and go our own ways."

"{snort}?" asked the mule next to me.

"Ah, well the details are what some might consider sordid. Don't get me wrong! I'm entirely in the mood for a little ungentle prodding of the bullocks, usually. But when I'm on the job, too much can be difficult to bear!"

I paused and felt in my pack for a now-ragged, silken garment. The smooth sensation of the fabric took me back. It brought tears to my eyes. And not from nostalgia. Still, the garment served me well over the years. I remember exactly the day I got it. It was that day very early in my career, in Haute-Dale.

I felt the silken garment again. It still gave me mixed feelings, after all the years.

***

Haute-Dale was the largest settlement I'd seen yet, a true city. They had an actual gate, although they hadn't gotten around to making a wall. The gate was there for ceremonial purposes, as I was about to find out.

As I approached the staff manning the gate, one of them looked at me and then down at a sheet of parchment. He looked puzzled, and looked me over again. Then he called over another staff member, who repeated this weird act. Finally, they called over a third member, clearly in charge. She shrugged and nodded approval.

This next part is embarrassing to remember, but they blew an actual fanfare, although with a tiny sour note to it. Then, with that brassy horn ringing in my ears, the first staff member announced me to the city. This fine fellow had a voice so loud, it was probably heard in all districts.

"PRESENTING! THE QUEEN'S OWN. INSEMMMMMMMMMMINNNNNNNATOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRR!"

That got a reaction, and not what I expected. There was a LOT of initial interest. But the citizens in their fine clothes swept on when they saw me. Hmm, maybe this city will be a milk run since none of them seemed interested in my, uh, services.

I asked the first staff member if he could direct me to the city tavern. He had sat down, weary from his efforts, but looked up and gave me a funny look. "We have many fine taverns. For you, I recommend The Rat's Nest."

The Rat's Nest sounded fine to this weary traveler.

***

The Rat's Nest was nice, homey, and clean-ish. I sat down in a settle by the open fire and propped up my aching feet. This might have been their worst tavern, but it was a fine place to relax, and the staff was accommodating. I was enjoying the relaxing pastime of watching people on the street outside. Then things started getting odd.

Over the next hours, there was a train of couples acting strangely. The two of them would be walking with purpose towards the tavern, the woman with a happy look. It was pretty clear she was looking for me, or rather, what I could provide. Once they saw the tavern, they would pause, have a fierce argument right there in the street. Then they would turn around and leave, the woman looking sad. This was confusing. Who wouldn't want to at least check out The Rat's Nest?

"But I don't CARE!" said a slim woman, the latest example. She had long, dark hair and pale skin. Her clothes were mostly elaborate black lace, but they looked fancy instead of drab.

"Dear, I know. I know! But think of our reputation. Let's talk, and we can always come back." This was from an equally slim man who had a very thin mustache and chestnut hair. He was dressed in an exquisite green top with brown vest.

They continued on like this, then she gave up and stalked back. The handsome man gave a backward look, shook his head, and followed.

Now I was truly curious, so I wandered out and saw them getting into an elaborate carriage. It was a large box, black with lots of elaborate and cheap-looking gold trim. The wheels looked oversized to my unpracticed eye, and a driver in a fur hat sat at the front.

The woman's lace hand emerged from the carriage and tapped the driver lightly on the shoulder with a crop. He in turn tapped the single, tired horse with a longer crop. He drove the carriage... This was something I had never seen before. He drove the carriage about two horse lengths, just far enough to pull abreast of the manor next door. The couple exited the carriage and went into their manor, the front door slamming. And that was that.

***

I really had no idea what to do. My plan was to stay in Haute-Dale another two days, then move on, a plan that was soon discarded.

"May I join you, my lord?" It was the butler from the carriage, still wearing his fur hat.

"Of course, have a seat...?"

"Oh! Thank you, my lord. I'm Irwin, and you are The Queen's-- "he began formally.

I held up my hand-- "Please, good Irwin. Think of me as a laborer."

"Of course, sir, although sir should know that by virtue of being a Queen's Own, he outranks nearly all in the kingdom."

"Rank. I suspect that's what is going on here."

"Just so, sir. I'm a laborer as well, so I'll speak plainly." He paused, a bit anxiously.

"Irwin I, uh, order you to speak plainly."

He looked relieved. "Thank you, sir! The plain truth is that I serve the humblest nobility, Fredo and Mona in this case. They are typical of all our citizens, I hasten to add. All of them are poor, yet need to keep up their appearances."

"That does explain what I've seen. They want children, but..."

"They can't be seen with a slovenly wretch such as yourself! Exactly, sir."

I let that pass. After all I did order him to speak his mind. "But, being a simple man of the plow, so to speak, how can I be expected to perform my role? I came here to provide fertility, not prance around in fancy clothes."

"Ah well... THAT'S IT! You sir, have a great mind, despite your rough bearing. I'll return before nightfall." And he left in great haste, leaving me bewildered.

***

Just as I was about to settle in for an early evening, Irwin did return as promised. And he brought a package. An unwelcome package. It was an outfit for me to wear, a silken outfit in outrageous colors. It was bright in all the wrong places. And tight, also in all the wrong places.

"Irwin..."

"I know, sir, I know. But I assure you, this is a code for our poor aristocracy. Though gaudy, it signals you are a member of our class. It will smooth your path."

He continued, "In fact, I've set up a meeting at our manor between you and Fredo, at your convenience. We can leave anytime; I've the carriage out front."

We did spend some time talking before embarking on the very short trip to their manor. Irwin was a gold-plated bridge between my world and his. I'm not going to say I was transformed by his two-hour education. It did open my eyes to some new ideas.

***

At their manor, the introduction to Fredo went smoothly. I even remembered some of the fancy words Irwin had taught me. Fredo was urbane, forgiving, and easy to talk to.

Then we got down to business. Fredo started, "Before you go to work, my boy, I should offer you a few tips-"

"Please stop," I said, holding up a hand. "I went through this in the last village and it... it didn't end well." I shuddered.

"To be sure, to be sure. But I had something different in mind. I'm putting myself in your place, just like you'll be putting yourself in my place shortly, ha-ha!"

"Ahem..." he continued, seeing his joke didn't land. "Take Mona, my fine wife. Flawless, white hindquarters. Framing her forbidden dark fruit, luscious and ready for the plucking. Any hungry man would slaver over her." He paused, a dreamy look on his face.

"Ahem, moving on. But you are not any man. You are overwhelmed with an abundance of lovely, fertile, willing women. It becomes a burden, if you'll forgive me for being candid."

"Where is this leading, uh, good sir?" I asked a bit impatiently.

"I'll get right to it. Mona... possesses a desire to urge her male companion on with the crop. And quite assertively! I don't question why. You have only to make the request and she will happily provide. You'll be well rewarded, trust me on this!" He gave me an eager look. "I see it as a win for everyone!"

"You... are suggesting she should... whip me...?"

"Yes!"

"While I'm--?"

"OH yes!"

"And that is supposed to be an improvement?!"

"ABSOLUTELY! Ah, I see. It does go against common sense. It is an odd thing, now I ponder it. But... we all enjoy foods that are both salty and sweet. It is the same. But so much better! Feeling that smack, that SMACK my boy! It will do wonders for you! Ah, if I had only discovered this truth when I was your age. So many years wasted!"

He paused, letting this odd concept sink in. I'll admit it was a bit intriguing, but only because he seemed so passionate about it. He was actually breathing hard and had to take a moment to collect himself.

"One final word, and I'll say no more. Merely instruct Mona to your desires and she will comply. Her imperious nature is merely an act, meant to fuel our beastly desires. Take the crop to your breast, I implore you. But if it's not to your tastes, simply ask her to forbear."

We chatted a bit longer, in a companionable way before I left with his advice and some additional gear to complement my ridiculous outfit.

***

Having finished up with Fredo, I entered the parlor, which was surprisingly homey and comfortable. It was small and intimate, without being confining. It had no windows, but wasn't suffocating. It was dimly lit by golden sconces, providing an exotic looking light. Earth-toned tapestries hung loosely and there was a rather nice, velvet divan. Even to my untrained eye, I could see where this couple spent their money, and their time.

When I entered alone, Mona was lying there, looking expectant. She stood up and I was surprised she only came up to my chest. She strutted up to me, her arms crossed.

"So. You are the one that will provide for me." She gave an affected sigh. "Very well. I will take the position of the beast."

She turned around and knelt on the divan, slowly drawing her cozy dress up past her waist. And I have to agree with Fredo. Her rear areas were a pristine white, like a crisp apple. And between her slim thighs there was everything to see and nothing to imagine.

"You may begin."

And begin I did. At least, at first. But I could see she was used to working with servants. I was a little slow to warm up, a first for me. From her body language, she was growing bored and impatient. And as these things go, it just got worse. And the worse it got, the faster it got worse. I was a bit desperate, and if I'm honest, curious. Fredo had sold his idea well.

"Your lacking servant needs the prod, my lady," I said, laying down what Fredo had provided. It was a crop, but covered in a sleeve of velvet towards the tip. Apparently Fredo felt I was a lightweight, which is fair. That perked her up like nothing else. She was very still for half a second, trembling. Then she grabbed the crop and held it back towards me, arm stiff, poised and quivering.

"You are indeed lacking and need motivation. I'll give you one more chance," she said in a shrill voice. But I could see she had a genuine grin now. Her cold demeanor had transformed into heat. I knew my role now and leaned into the fumbling and inept provider.

She reached back, her crop poised. Then a sudden whip and I felt quite the shock. The sting soon faded leaving a strange... small euphoria? Most peculiar. I could start to see what Fredo meant. And without realizing it, I had redoubled my dutiful efforts, plundering Mona's treasure with great lust. I would at times sigh, hamming it up, and pretend to be flagging. And knowing her cue, she would take another smack at me with that velvet crop.

This continued and I was surprised at how fast the time went. Before long, I fell on top of Mona, my service completed. But she didn't mind my impertinence, her eyes closed and a small smile. I could see she was already thinking about her new child. As for me, I'd have to ponder this new flavor. Salty and sweet indeed.

***

The smugly disheveled noblewoman finished rearranging her fancy dress, hiding my messy handiwork. Unabashed, the lord of the house entered, all finery and pencil mustache.

"Great work! I observed through the keyhole and I'm now your biggest fan! I thought, how could this measly chap possibly deliver. But you did!"

"Thank you...?" I said, now a little used to being evaluated.

"I'm hoping for a strapping lad, much like I was! Not like, um-" there was a very awkward silence. I think we both were remembering how reproduction actually worked.

"Eh, good enough! I'll ring for Irwin, shall I?"

***

I spent more time in Haute-Dale than expected. Fredo and Mona became great hosts and I like to think friends, once my duty to them was completed. They and Irwin took great pleasure in teaching me about society. I was even forced to start on my letters and numbers. It made the velvet crop seem like a tickle. Speaking of which, that crop got a lot of use over the weeks. Haute-Dale was a true city and many of Mona's peers had the same predilection.

Before leaving, the four of us had a man-to-man-to-domme-to-butler talk. I wanted to thank them, but all that came out was, "I probably won't be back."

It sounded churlish as I said it, but Fredo seemed to understand. "In that case, we won't name the child after you" -- making Mona spit out her fancy drink. All they ever talked about was names for their child. Her comeback to me was "What is your name, anyway?" We all laughed at her roast, followed by an awkward silence. We talked on into the night, just enjoying the company.

The next day I was at the city gate, about to head out, when Irwin caught up to me, out of breath. "My apologies for delaying you, sir. I saw you had left your outfit behind. Sadly, I did not have time to launder it."

I peeked into the small package, wrapped for travel. There was the foppish noble costume.

I sighed. "Thank you, Irwin, it's been fun." He looked uncomfortable.

I recalled my lessons and said sternly, "That will be all, Irwin." He looked relieved that I had learnt something after all. With affection he concluded our conversation, "Goodbye, sir", and left.

Now I could resume my journey on a high note. Nothing could knock me down at this point.

"My lord! My lord, wait!" It was a younger man, that same messenger from the previous village. "You are wanted for urgent consultation in Papeer! By order of the Guild of Maintainers!

Papeer, hmm. That was the awful city that Terry had warned me about. Things aren't looking up at all for your favorite Queen's Inseminator.