The Queen’s Inseminator Ch. 03

Author's Note:

This story leans hard on satire and humor, and light on erotica. There are three installments planned (so far). Feedback would be appreciated as I try my hand at a short serial.

Content warning: Contains roleplay and public sex as a plot device.

The Queen's Inseminator

Chapter 3 -- Measurements of Baby-making

"I'm telling you, good citizen! You may seem to know your trade. And I'm certain you do. But to truly know what real milking is, you would have to spend years in my profession."

The pleasant sounds of milk splishing continued. I took that as a sign to continue as well.

"To be utterly used up, wrung out, and then! Then! When you think there is no more, you'd be mistaken. At that point, the measure of 'milk' as it were needs to be finely calculated!"

"I usually try for a bucket, kind sir!" remarked my new stable companion, a slim milkmaid plying her trade upon a compliant cow.

"A bucket? A bucket! Don't get me wrong, I'm well versed with the pleasurable practice of churning the butter. But at some point, there is none left to give!"

"That's true, sir, that's true. If I may, perhaps you merely need a little relaxation...?" asked the milkmaid enticingly.

"But my duty. Were we to proceed, I would need to measure this as well. I would be happy to provide you with my fertile seed. But sadly, this will provide me with no so-called relaxation."

"Well sir, I'd be happy to give it a go. If it helps your situation, I'm more of a bloke when it comes to the making of children, but I'll be your maid anyway."

"Ah yes, well then... a relaxing time it is!" I replied, reaching for my buckle.

I paused briefly, considering where my loathing of bookkeeping started. It was in Papeer.

***

Papeer was not what I expected. I thought it would be a dark and grim city. Rather, it was pleasing at first glance. The buildings were fine beige stone, bright and cheery. The roads were straight and they had an actual sewer system, very modern.

I stood at the gate, looking like a gaping farmer. But I didn't care because the cityscape was calm and soothing. I almost didn't spot the slim woman waiting for me.

"My Lord of the Seed, I am Whisper." She was like the city, calm in appearance and demeanor. She had perhaps a decade on me, and fine white-blonde hair. Then her pleasant demeanor took on a doubtful look.

"Hmm, perhaps I've misidentified my assignment. You are an Inseminator? But you are physically repugnant!"

I looked at her fully now, true friendship blooming in my heart. She wanted and needed nothing from me! I responded with true sincerity. "Whisper, I think we'll get along very well. And yes, I am a Queen's Inseminator."

Unfazed, she coolly said, "Very well. On your approval, I'll take you to meet the Director. He is most anxious."

***

We walked deeper into the city, making our way to this Director. Citizens were polite, despite my grubbiness. We eventually came to a modest hall, but grander than most.

Entering, there were scribes silently at work. At their head was an older man, plain in appearance except for ugly jowls hanging down. He wore rich clothing, I supposed because he was in charge, clearly the Director. Alert to his domain, he looked up with a piercing eye.

"Ah, Whisper. I see you've found our wayward son. Welcome, my lad! Welcome to... Papeer!" He gestured grandly, then dropped his arm, a little disappointed. I wasn't that impressed.

"No matter," he muttered. "I am known as the Director, and... well, I can see that titles mean little to you."

And then he talked and talked and talked. If he was the villain, his weapon was boring his adversary to death. I could not follow most of it, except for the end.

"... and it is vitally important that we meet. I'll get us on your calendar this week. Next week at the very latest. Whisper, if you would please assist our boy until then?" And he gave Whisper a bit of a leer. I saw her cringe and give a shudder. When I looked back, the Director had disappeared.

"My lord, shall I take you to your lodgings first?"

"Before anything else, I'd like to meet an acquaintance if he is in the city."

"What is his name?"

"Terry."

Her face became a careful mask. "I'm very sorry. Maintainer Terry has been imprisoned. For... for improper filing techniques." She looked down in shame. There was a quiet gasp from some of the clerks.

I was nonplussed. "Well, can we go to the dungeon and see him anyway?"

"Dungeon!?" she exclaimed. "Let's just meet him where he is." We moved out.

***

Whisper took me to see Terry. I expected a dank cell, but instead we went to his apartments, his regular living quarters.

"What... you are the last person I expected to see! An Inseminator, in Papeer? Unheard of!"

He calmed down, though, and offered me a seat and a wooden mug of water.

"Aww, never mind that. I'm just happy to see you already at it. Believe me, none knows better your value to the kingdom." He muttered, "And the cost."

"It's been rough; the burden is more than I expected. And now your Director seems to desire adding to it."

"The Director," he muttered grimly. "He put me here, under house arrest. I really thought my new filing system was unstoppable."

Terry took a drink and was quiet for a bit.

"I'll give you the plain facts. The Director is ambitious and desires power, disregarding the needs of the kingdom."

We spoke at length, and Terry seemed genuinely interested in my adventures. He laughed and winced at appropriate moments in my narration, a great audience. I think it was an education for Whisper as well, although she laughed a lot louder at my mishaps and pratfalls. She asked me to repeat a few parts involving the crop.

But much of our time was spent looking to the future. Terry was silent, thinking his deep thoughts. At last, he said, "Tell me, my boy, have you perchance been to... The Repository?"

Whisper gasped.

***

Accompanied by Whisper, we made our way to their hallowed Repository. I'd seen nothing like it in my travels. It was in the form of a massive cathedral. Inside were soaring vaults, massive and filled bookcases, tables, and close to complete silence.

A few clerks glided about on their errands. They favored a distinctive uniform: a crisp white shirt, hair tied up in a tight bun, a skirt for the women and formal pantaloons for the men, and strict looking shoes with cork soles. They all looked very strict and upright.

I had been in the doldrums from dealing with the political mess. But those uniforms on the clerks... they did something for me. It was that same feeling as Fredo's velvet whip: a physical attraction where there logically should be none.

Whisper interrupted my fantasy. "Are you sure about this plan? You seem too much the weasel for this kind of power play."

"I wasn't sure before, but I certainly am now," I said with renewed vigor.

"Find three women that require my services and have them meet here tomorrow." I added something that wasn't in Terry's plan. "And have... have them wear their clerk outfits."

***

The next morning, Whisper and I arrived at The Repository. Whisper had a friend with her, Gina, who was not dressed as a clerk. But there was an extra surprise. Many extra surprises. There were not three women. There were scores. And they were all doing their best to look like clerks.

Somehow, word had got out. The youth in me felt pretty proud. But my experience told the truth, that these women came for the fertility, not the man. If there were a fantasy world where they could pay enormous sums of gold coin and get attached to weird contraptions in a cold room, all for a child, no doubt they would be in line for that instead!

A particular woman caught my eye, a husky plumber by trade. She was attempting to slip into a crisp white shirt. Ah, what is this? It was the velvet crop all over again. The thought of encountering a plumber, simply arriving for her work, but getting something more than expected... I couldn't resist.

When I entered the Repository, I asked Whisper to pull that specific woman out of line and include her for the day. But only on the condition that she wear her dirty coveralls, and maybe put some extra grease marks on her face.

Whisper gave me a very doubtful look, and said "You are... never mind. I'm not going to say it. I'm just going to follow your instructions and... try not to think about them."

She looked down and had more to say. "I'm adding myself to the list," she said in a hurry. "I've been wanting a child. But we don't get your kind in this city. Ever."

"Whisper. I'm disappointed. But if that's what you want..."

"I'm not looking forward to it. Gina said she would help me feel at ease. If you don't mind."

"Whisper, at this point I'm getting really used to people watching me at my trade."

"Thank you, my lord. We'll both get through it, I'm sure. Shall we proceed to the original plan?"

***

In the grand foyer of the hall were the three recipients, including the plumber in her coveralls, looking determined. I should say four recipients to include Whisper.

I raised my voice to be heard. "Greetings, all. We're going to try and locate a private place where we can begin. This may take some time."

At that, the women started to look really nervous and upset. One of them said "Excuse me, sir. A bit cruel, don't you think? Calling us in here and getting our hopes up. And then saying we have to--" her voice cracked a little "--wait longer?"

"My apologies. But, what can I do?"

"Sir, location doesn't matter. That is, if you were to perform your duty to us in the city's central plaza during market day, that would suit us just as well. This fine hall you have will work nicely."

The other women nodded, agreeing and hopeful.

"Let me make sure we're all clear. You are fine with me, I'm going to be very blunt, impregnating you in a very public place with no privacy, and with others in close quarters."

"If it pleases you, sir. You see, we don't want to lose our opportunity. And no offense to my Lord of the Seed. But you are not my husband. I'm here for your fertility and not... the bedding."

I glanced back at Whisper and she said "Performing this act with you can't be any worse. Let's complete the task. There's a couch in the main hall that will serve."

***

Whisper and Gina did put up a screen for a small amount of privacy. And then Whisper lay on the plush couch with Gina at her head, holding her hand.

Once everyone was comfortable, I began to ply my trade. And as these things go, well, it's not generally a silent act. Most of all, there was the rhythmic smack of flesh on flesh. I was going at my task with a bit of haste, out of respect for Whisper's distaste. But this served only to increase the volume of said task. Oh, did it echo!

Up until now, Whisper had been simply tolerating the necessary act. But now we were focusing on the shocking sounds, reverberating in the hallowed hall. Neither of us could hold back and we both exploded with laughter. And that opened the dam for me, completing my task. Gina was horrified and said, "Whisper! You REALLY owe me one now!" And that made us laugh even harder.

"Well, no offense, but I'm glad that's over," I said. We were both feeling a bit high and glowing, even if it wasn't a romance scroll situation.

"Agreed, my lord. But... thank you. You are still an ugly baboon, but... thank you."

Our tender moment was broken by a thunderstorm. "WHAT is happening here!?"

It was the Director, arriving ahead of schedule.

***

The two of us were soon facing off in the center of the main gallery. I suppose the man had a flair for being dramatic. Whisper and Gina stood to the side, since this wasn't their fight.

"What is this sacrilege? House arrest is too good for you! I'll--"

I broke in before he could get going again, and asked, very politely "Pardon, good sir, but what is your title?"

"My title?! Why you, you are well aware of what my title is! I'm the Director of the Repository of the Grand Guild of Maintainers! And now--"

"That does sound like a powerful title, it does. But I feel like it's missing a little fizz. Something with the word 'Queen' in it?"

The Director filled his lungs, about to bellow once more. Whisper cringed out of habit.

"--"

"Oh wait, that is because you are not one holding THE QUEEN'S WRIT, GOOD SIR!"

A very long silence stretched. I might say a pregnant silence, but that would be in poor taste.

"What. Do. You. Want." asked the Director through gritted teeth. But I had to give the man credit. He lived by the title and he, uh, had to back down because of the title. He was true to his principles.

"Why, Director! All I want... is for us to be friends! And this is easily done. Why don't we reinstate Terry, no hard feelings. He'll consult for me, and I'll be about my stern duty with his help."

"Just two more items and our business is concluded," I continued.

"First, Whisper will be assigned to me for the duration. That is to say, for as long as I will be performing my duties for the Queen." Whisper did NOT look pleased.

"Second, Terry as well will be my assistant for the duration. I much appreciate your help, Director, and will be leaving Papeer after completing my duties. Which, by the size of the city will be," I sobbed inside "three weeks."

It took the Director a long time to simmer down, and he never really did. He eventually turned around and left. But he did agree to my requests.

***

Five terrible weeks later, I was standing in a beautiful courtyard with Terry and Whisper.

"Whisper, I truly enjoy your company. I wish we could stay together. But my road is not a pleasant one. You'll continue to be my agent-at-large in Papeer, on your own authority."

Terry butted in, "The boy is taking my lessons too well. He means you're free to do what you want, and continue to be paid. Good luck!"

Whisper didn't say much, thinking about the future. "I wish you luck as well, and happiness, my lord. Although, you and the clerk uniforms..." She walked off, shaking her head.

Terry and I simply nodded to each other. We each turned around without speaking and headed in opposite directions. He was going to our next destination, paving the way for my visit.

I headed for one last meeting with the Director.

***

"My lord," said the Director, now back to his smooth self. "I wanted one more opportunity to plead your indulgence. If we could simply know the count of women you provide for in each town, it would help us with kingdom planning. This isn't for you, nor for me. It's for those women and their children."

"I see your point, Director. This won't be a burden, especially with Terry to help. We'll provide the counts." We parted on good terms.

After a few more days, I finally was on my way out the gate, on my way to the next town. Suddenly, that blazing messenger appeared.

"My lord! This is most urgent! You--"

"Hold it there, fine fellow. You are talking to a Queen's Own. And this one has different instructions for you."

That brought the irksome messenger up short. It looked like he wanted to argue, but by now, between Fredo and Terry, I had developed a tone of authority. "Yes, my Lord of the Seed?"

"You, sir, are now in charge of all my messages originating from Papeer. I charge you to maintain record of them. And keep them safe until I return. Which, I will be honest with you, may be never."

He gulped and replied, "Yes, lord."

My duty in Papeer had been draining. My next destination would be the temple communities of High Mountain, sure to be a relaxing break for this weary Inseminator.